music right now: "building a mystery" by sarah mclachlan
i hadn't heard much sarah mclachlan lately, so i've been listening to this song quite a bit. her cd surfacing was the first cd i bought (i think - it was either that or clumsy by our lady peace). and it was my favourite song for the longest time. i got made fun of so much for that, but i could care less. it's an absolutely amazing song. it gives me a feeling like only few songs can. i can't describe in words what that feeling is, it's just simply there.
well, this is my last night in my dorm room, and i probably won't get to write much until thursday night or friday morning at the earliest. nevertheless, i'm kind of glad to be moving into my own place tomorrow. it will be really nice. i'll actually have my own space that's all mine. it's a strange feeling. no one to come home to - that really sucks, but i might enjoy the ability to do whatever i want whenever i want. not that i'm not used to it. it will just be nice to not have a room mate. i liked mine, of course. freeman was a great person. but i just felt that i had to think about his needs to at most times, so i was inhibited a little from doing things i might want to do (like play music on my computer when i would go to sleep). oh well....
oh, i'm finally declared. i've declared my major and two minors, and it's really exciting. so, i am now officially an english literature major with minors in russian language/literature and philosophy. it's a cool feeling. now i have a direction to go in. i just have to figure out my fall schedule out. well, ciao for now.
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posted at 2:00 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "no regrets" by robbie williams
i love the message in this song: no regrets/ they don't work/ no regrets now/ they only hurt
anyway i just wanted to put a quote on here. i got this from my friend will's profile and it made me tear up when i read it. it's really beautiful:
"...every person you connect with on this planet has some sort of a message to give you. if you cut yourself off from whatever kind of relationship wants to form with that person, you're failing to pick up your message."
and with that, i shall go to sleep. only one night left in my dorm room. wish me luck.
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posted at 1:40 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, April 28, 2002
music right now: "not a girl, not yet a woman" by britney spears
i love this song so much. i think it's probably my favourite song by britney (besides "i'm a slave 4 u"). but anyway, i am so incredibly bored and lonely right now. i keep thinking about how everyone is leaving and it's just too much to take. four months is forever. i don't want to have to go through that. i've done it before, and it hurts... ugh, i'm just gonna watch something stupid to make me laugh..
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posted at 6:43 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
i don't think i can go to sky anymore. like i just feel horrible being there. i've come to the realisation that either: a) i'm way too flamey, or b) i'm too ugly for any guys to even want me. like any guy that i was remotely interested in completely ignored me or made me feel like i was invisible, and the only guys who looked at me were men old enough to be my father. i just can't deal with this any more. i never thought i was that unattractive. well, i guess i was wrong....
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posted at 3:06 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, April 27, 2002
music right now: "try try try" by the smashing pumpkins
i love the lyrics to this song. they're so sad, and i love the way it sounds. it's probably my favourite smashing pumpkins song. and it's my goodbye song. whenever i have to say goodbye and let go of someone, this song comes to mind. and i'm starting to cry, which isn't necessarily all that good.
try to hold on/ to this heart/ a little bit longer/ try to hold on/ to this love aloud/ try to hold on/ for this heart's/ a little bit colder/ try to hold on
i hate having to say goodbye. it takes too much out of me. like we always say we will see these people again, but life isn't so cut and dry. i might not see some of my friends again. and it's so painful to think of. so i try to tell them how i feel about them so that they know when they leave that i love them and it won't remain unsaid. these people are my friends, my family. and i'm going to miss them with every bit of my heart....
music right now: "disarm" by the smashing pumpkins
so, last night a pile of us went to this bar in old montreal. i have no idea what it was called, but needless to say i won't ever go back there. i've never felt to maligned by anybody in my life. i am who i am. i don't hide the fact that i'm gay. i don't run around with it on my sleeve or scream it at the top of my lungs, but i am me. i like it. i've come to accept and somewhat love who i am. and when people make me feel less of a person for it, i feel worthless. i wore a tank top and had blue nail polish on last night. so what.. it's nothing big, right? so, i go to the coat check to give in my coat, and this fat ass bouncer says i have to keep my jacket on. so i'm like whatever. i'll take it off when i get out of his sight. this proceeds into a long line of harassment by the bouncers. what is so wrong with me wearing a tank top? at one point, addy's mom went and asked the bouncer how come i can't wear a tank top. he told her it's because "i'm not a real man". what the fuck is that supposed to mean? he's just jealous because i can wear a tank top without needing a bra, unlike him. whatever. and then when i was dancing on the bar these stupid francophone jocks (i don't hate french people, but french jocks tend to be a lot more blatant in their behaviour towards me for some reason) started rubbing my leg and laughing. i just turned around and ignored them. i got so many dirty looks it's not even funny. i didn't even do anything bad. like what the hell? there were good parts. the night wasn't a total bust. they played both "it's raining men" and "can't get you out of my head" which i promptly freaked out when they started to play them. i love those songs sooooooo much! and addy's mom and her two friends were such darlings. i just wanted to cry they were so nice. like when addy's mom asked the bouncer why i couldn't wear a tank top, she like told him to fuck off and came back and bought me shots. and they were all like "don't listen to them. don't listen to anyone. be yourself". and they even offered to go some place else if i wanted to. i felt so good. at least some people in this world are accepting and open. and when they left they hugged me and kissed my cheek. it was so nice. and another good thing that happened was at one point there was this moron pretending to check me out, so i stuck out my tongue as if to like hit on him, and he stuck his back at me. so i gave him the finger and sort of turned away. he was laughing, but i saw one of his really cute friends looking at me as if he was actually interested, so i felt somewhat not alone there.
music right now: "soleil 2000" by saez (french musician that pretty much only sings in french - français seulement :-) )
i feel kind of bad right now. mike just called me and wanted to know if i wanted to watch britney spears hbo special with him. i said no because i'm waiting for ian to call so we can go to sky. i feel bad though. he's all alone, and i really want to spend time with him before he goes. but i also want to have one last night to whore it up with ian before he leaves too. i hate that everyone is leaving. i'm going to be so alone this summer (especially in july). like nick, vicky and peter will be here for a bit, but it's not the same without everyone else.....
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posted at 10:23 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "porcelain hands" by strawpeople
i hate how nobody in north america really knows of strawpeople. they're this amazing techno-ish band from new zealand. i guess the only comparison that i can think of is a slower version of esthero. but they're huge in australia and new zealand. and this song is so beautiful.
but i've had too much on my mind lately. i looked at two apartments with my roommates for the fall, ariel and vicky, and they decided to take one in westmount, a 20 minute bus ride from here. i can't do it. i can't. my life is downtown. all my friends are here, and it's too far. and when i tell them, they're probably not going to want to talk to me for quite a while. but i have to think of convenience and my own needs. i can't ignore how i feel. so, i can't take it. it's really hard, and they're not going to be happy, but i'll deal with it.
and another thing that's been swirling through my mind is i have had a crush on this guy adam for a while, and i can't do anything about it. like he knows i exist, but he doesn't know i exist. and i feel so bad about it. you know when you get a really good feeling when you are around certain people and it's hard to describe... well i get that whenever i am around him. he's amazing. and it hurts for me to think that i don't ever have a chance with him. he's way out of my league, and i'm trying to deal with it, but i'm not sure how well it's working..... anyway, i have to get back to cleaning out my room. i just thought i'd get a load off of my chest.
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posted at 5:25 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, April 26, 2002
music right now: "never be the same again" by melanie c ft. lisa "left eye" lopes
rest in peace lisa. we'll all miss the music you would have made. not only were you amazingly talented and a role model for people everywhere, you were the definition of cool. you were taken far too young, but will never be forgotten.
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posted at 4:54 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "can't get you out of my head vs. blue monday" (live from the 2002 brit awards) by kylie minogue ft. new order
i was thinking as i walked back from my last exam today that i am finished my first year of university. this is scary. yet i felt a sort of rush. i did it. i'm done! and i'm not failing out and won't have to live in a box on the corner of sherbrooke and university. thank god. that would suck. so, i then got to thinking about something my mum said to me a few days ago. she was like "clinton i think you should come back here next year". i nearly bit her face off. i couldn't believe she said that. and the more that i think about it, the more i hate and resent that she said that. she may miss me, but why should i force myself to give up the happiness i've found here in order to make it easier for her. i love montreal. i have a life here. i have amazing friends. i'm going somewhere. and she wants to be selfish and have me give that all up... it's so maddening. so, i've been avoiding any conversations with her lately. i'm done with parents for a while. it's time to live my life the way i want. i did what they wanted - i took anthro, then poli sci and psych because in my mum's words "you need a job that will give you money and writing isn't going to do that". well, i don't care. i'll be a starving writer. big fuckin' deal. at least i'll be happy. plus i don't just see myself as being a writer. i'm going to do a few years at another university for fashion design as soon as i'm out of mcgill. i'll have a life. hell, i could even work for gucci or prada (that would be so incredible!), but i'll have my writing as well. i'll be what i want to be. and that's all i want. just thinking of going back to alberta brings out a lot of pain. i can't go back there. i'm not going back. not even for the high school reunion. as i've always thought, "never look back or you'll miss something forward". it may sound awkward and i might regret things in the past, but i have so much ahead of me that looking back to alberta or going back would not be at all in my best interests. ever.
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posted at 4:46 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "can't get you out of my head (extended remix)" by kylie minogue
no matter how many times i hear this song, it never gets old. it is so incredibly amazing. i can just imagine driving down the highway in a convertible, this blaring through the speakers. it would be so much fun. this is like my liberation song... my theme song. it totally fits right in with when i was finally completely out of the closet. i heard it last september when it first came out in england (i've loved kylie for years... light years was such a good cd!) and that's when i threw open the closet door all the way and shouted to the world, "fuck you, i don't care what you think. i'm queer. big fuckin' deal." and i've been like that ever since. yay! shit, i'm hyper now, which is really bad considering that i have a final tomorrow. i'm gonna go to sleep... but not right now.
music right now: "save yourself" by sense field
this song will forever remind me of mike because i heard about it from him. thanks :-) (i know you'll be reading this eventually). i love the lyrics. it's so beautiful. kind of like the way mike and dallas are. i saw the way they were with each other tonight, and it almost made me cry - not because i was sad or jealous, but because it's so amazing to see two people in love, gay no less. i've never really had experience with gay couples besides my own relationships, but they are so good for each other. i'm so happy to see them together. it's.... it's perfect. and i know how much it's going to tear mike apart inside to let go of him on monday, but it's only temporary. no matter how hard it is to let someone go, it's so much more amazing to come back to them with that feeling still inside, that burning that can only be filled when they're there. so mike, if you're reading this, don't be sad. love will find a way (okay, that's really corny and is from some song i forgot the name).
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posted at 12:26 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, April 24, 2002
music right now: "all mixed up" by the red house painters
i can't help but think about what's going to happen in the next few weeks. i have gone through so many changes in the last year, and of them all, this one will be the most painful. seeing people that i love leave for the summer is going to be so hard. i can already feel the tears on my face. where are we going? no idea. i think about last night and how i met so many people i had seen before and i wonder if they'll remember who i am or if they'll care. the same thing happens with all my friends leaving. i just feel like i don't ever make any sort of impression on people. i'm like a fleeting image, there for a few seconds, then gone. i've gotten so attached to people, and it's like having my limbs hacked off. i don't want to go through it....
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posted at 11:36 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "here is gone" and other various songs by the goo goo dolls
i love the sound of the goo goo dolls because no matter how happy the song is, there is always a hint of sadness behind the lyrics. like listen to "here is gone". it's not a sad song by any means, but there is a bit of sadness in it. i love it.
so, instead of studying last night i went to sky. yeah, i'm insane of course. but in the process i met the most gorgeous guy in the world. i'd seen him before, but it had been a while since i'd seen him, and last night i actually kind of met him. it's a long story, but for some reason i can't get him out of my mind. it's both a good and bad feeling because i have no idea when i'll see him again, but i know that he likes me (at least his friend said he did), so there's always that glimmer of hope. and i met a lot of other people who i've seen before at sky but never met before. like there's this british guy martin who is roommates with one of the bartenders, robin. and this other guy adair who i thought was cute and has amazing taste in clothes. it's interesting because i'm actually getting to meet all these people who are like part of the mainstream "sky" clique as i sort of see it. like it doesn't feel like i'm such of an outsider anymore, which is a great feeling. this brings me back to a feeling i'd been looking for in montreal. a feeling that i actually belong to something here, rather than the little that i felt like i belonged to in alberta. and i think i've found it.
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posted at 1:53 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, April 23, 2002
music right now: "love affair" by kylie minogue (the best song off of fever)
i have the strangest hobby. whenever i'm bored, i learn phrases from other languages. i'm able to say "where is the bathroom, please" in like ten languages (french, german, latvian, moldovan, romanian [which is identical to moldovan], russian, serbian, swedish, luxembourghish and macedonian). it's strange, but it's cool. i love being able to say little things in other languages. like i think i could learn swedish by myself (i already know the pronunciation), but i can't wait to take russian in the fall. i am such a language whore.
-ciao (yet another language - italian)
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posted at 11:08 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "sleepless" by jann arden
every one in a while life tosses you something completely different, something out of the ordinary, something completely unexpected, and it turns out to be one of the single most rememberable aspects of life. often times it's a simple incident that alters your perception of the way the world works. well, mine right now is a person. when i first met kazzie at the beginning of the year, i of course introduced myself, and from there i would say hi and ask her how she was doing every time i saw her. then one day, out of the blue, when i asked her how she was, she responded with this: "you know clinton, most people when they ask how you are doing, they don't mean it, but you do mean it and that's really special." that completely took me aback. i of course meant it when i said it, but i never thought of it in that way. she has been one of those people who are amazing. they just have such presence to themselves that they always make every moment special. i know very few people like that, but she's one of them. then, another time i was walking up the stairs with her and we were talking about where we are living next year and she said she's going to really miss me and that i'm really cool. now those words don't seem significant in and of themselves, but the thing is i don't know her all that well, so those words totally made my day. it's incredible that through small conversations some people can get to know you on a level you never realised. and yesterday i was standing in the stairwell talking to a guy from my floor and she came in, hugged me and went "awww clinton" and went right on with her day. it made me feel so incredibly welcome like i've never felt before. there are few people like kazzie in life. get to know them before they pass you by.
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posted at 10:25 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, April 22, 2002
music right now: "here with me" by michelle branch
i had the most insanely crazy series of dreams last night, and they were actually the most vivid i've ever had. i remember so much about them and it's so weird. i have no idea why i had them last night of all nights, but it was insane. so, here's what i remember of them:
pet shop boys dream: in a later dream i found out that this one was a promotional video for the pet shop boys new cd. which totally fucked, because why the pet shop boys? anyway, it was in third person. there was this guy going through what seemed like a huge warehouse (akin to costco but without the roof and with a white tile floor, i think) and the shelves were filled with toys and nicknaks and such. anyway, there was this huge muscle guy chasing the main character through this warehouse. the catch was that the muscle guy couldn't climb to the top of the shelves while the little guy tended to stay on top. the muscle guy would throw stuff at him and try to catch him, which didn't happen. later on in the dream it became apparent that the little guy was looking for a present for the muscle guys sister and the muscle guy wasn't too happy. apparently the muscle guy was like some big drug kingpin and he was afraid that the little guy would expose him or hurt his sister or something like that. it was really weird. then they ended up fighting on like one of those hockey arena scoreboards with the little guy knocking the muscle guy off. then the dream sort of morphed into this basement. i was in these heating ducts with a bunch of other people and this girl set some gas off a la panic room and we jumped out of the heating ducts and the rest hid in lockers in the basement room while i tried to fend off some henchmen or something like that. i can't remember much more about that dream.
supermarket dream: i was on top of shelves in a supermarket swinging from a vine made of videotape trying to find the pet shop boys new video promo which happened to be the previous dream (i think. it actually might have been a later dream). my old p.e. teacher was there and he and my cousin shannon or my brother thought i was insane.
rickets dream: i guess this one i can't remember a lot about, but i guess i was on a roadtrip with this woman who i thought was my mother and we stopped at a store. we went inside and i guess i had an attack of rickets (can that happen?) so i had to be taken out on one of those wheeled things that they use to carry heavy loads. then we were in our station wagon and we hit a snow bank and we were pulled to safety by billy campbell from once and again and we got in his big truck. but for some reason my dog was lost and i couldn't find him and i was sad (a la this movie called far from home: the adventures of yellow dog which i haven't seen in forever).
strange love dream: this dream was really weird because it started off really graphic (which i won't go into detail), but later i was with this guy who i really really liked and we were in the metro i think, but the metro cars were train cars instead and we jumped on the locomotive, but i ended up getting up onto the end of one of those crossing bar things that come down at train crossings, but this one was attached to the train. anyway, we went through the metro, and we went back to the guys apartment, which was absolutely huge. it turns out that the guy turned into justin from queer as folk, and there was a party at his apartment (which was at the top of a 50 storey building and the walls were glass, which scared me). anyway, the party at the apartment was like a house warming party, and his mother (the same woman from the show) was putting up blinds on the second floor of the apartment. she touched the window and another woman yelled at her for getting the window dirty. i looked out the window and it was really high up and i was freaked that if i touched the window the glass would fall out and i'd fall. anyway, later on we were laying in the massive pool on the first floor (which just appeared) and he (justin) decided to get drunk, which he never did. so we mixed this really big drink and drank it. then we layed in all these pillows. my brother was there, watching sports on tv. and for some reason justin rejected me, saying that we shouldn't be together. i asked him why, but he wouldn't give me an answer. then my brother got mad because i think he couldn't hear what he was watching.
music right now: "fear" by sarah mclachlan (the song i'm most into right now)
weird angelina jolie space dream: this one is messed up beyond belief. it starts with this woman and her two daughters accidentally flying into space and they have to leave their car and go into this space restaurant which turns into a space ship. the first daugter makes it fine, but the second doesn't and she becomes a glove for some reason. so then the space restaurant turns into a space ship and angelina jolie (dressed like she looked in hackers) flys the ship and crash lands it on the planet, which turns out to be like a wasteland with tv studios all over this desert plateau. the sky is brownish and cold i remember. then angelina takes one of the daughters and creeps along through this maze of junk looking for two wires to rig her cell phone with so she can call for help. then these soldiers come looking for whoever was in the ship and one soldier chooses to ignore them and the rest can't see them (angelina and the daughter) because they don't walk like the soldiers (who walk like that guy in the levi's commercial now on tv). the soldiers all have union jacks drapped over themselves too for some reason. then i remember sitting in the wreckage and using a computer and whenever i tried to do anything porn would come up and i would have to turn off the monitor because my aunt and older cousin were sitting behind me using other computers (but facing the opposite direction).
another strange dream: this one involved costa rica for some reason where all the land was bulldozed and this crazy person built all these theme parks. then this kid was really inquisitive, and the guy flew with him, showing him the park. one part had a rollercoaster with old tv starts like tom arnold and it was so weird. the guy was trying to trick the kid in some way.
zoo in a store dream: this one was weird and frightening because all these zoo animals were being housed in a zellers i think and they were in these little cages made of plastic mesh. there was two lions who started fighting and all the animals got out, attacking one another. it was kind of like jurassic park. i was in there with a bunch of family and i left with one of my aunt who was like 80 and needed to leave, so we got out. on the way out i saw a lion mauling a baby right in front of zoo keepers who were trying to tranquilise it, which was really scary to see.
old house dream: i remember being in my old house (that we moved out of when i was in grade 7, in think). it was late and my mum was trying to lock the door and i was scared because it wasn't secure enough. like the outside door was at an angle towards the outside and the inside door wouldn't close all the way. so i put on the chain lock. this is a strange dream because i never really felt safe in that house and was always afraid of someone breaking in.
my sister driving the van dream: this is the last dream i remember. anyway, it was from third person again and my sister was driving our old (huge ass) van around our neighbourhood. she smashed into some peoples houses and this woman came out and tried to write the license plate number down, but i stopped her by yelling out numbers and jumping in front of her view. then my sister drove home and got out of the van. my mum was angry because she made a huge mess and the lion we had was sleeping for some reason, so my sister suddenly developed magical powers and started reversing all the damage she caused and the lion woke up and attacked a tiger that was threatening us.
well, you must think i have a fucked up imagination, which is totally true. and the strange thing is all these dreams happened in like an eight or nine hour span. and they were all so incredibly vivid and in colour and there were smells. and tastes and textures. strange. and the order that the dreams above are in wasn't the order they were in when i dreamed them. i'm not sure of the actual order.
anyway, off to do something productive. -ciao
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posted at 2:08 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, April 21, 2002
music right now: "falling into you" by kasey chambers
i love this song. i just recently found out that kasey chambers is australian, which is really cool. i love aussies (considering my sister, niece and nephew are aussies). anyway, i've been thinking a lot lately about not coming back to mcgill in the fall. i'm not sure why exactly, but i think i need a really really big change and montreal might not be it. i love montreal and it's a great place to be, but when i moved here, i thought it would be drastically different from alberta. it is, but i have this need to go further, to get further away from there and just start out somewhere new. so, i've been thinking of working all summer then moving to either london or glasgow at the end of august. i know a lot of people will be like "no clinton, don't go. we'll miss you too much." but, it's something i think i need to do. maybe i won't. either way, i'll be in the uk for third year of university anyway, so i could just wait. but, if i wait, then maybe i'll find something here that will keep me tied down, and that would be too hard to leave. it's a choice between ripping of the band aid now or later. which do i choose? i do like mcgill. i really can't wait to take some of the courses i've chosen next fall. oh well.... i was also looking into going to auckland for third year. they have amazing english lit courses such as new zealand literature and pre/post colonial writings of the south pacific and early icelandic lit, and they sound amazing. this brings yet another choice up. do i go to auckland third year and go to england after university, or just go the england route. i want to live in england so bad. i've wanted to for the longest time. it's such a great country, plus it's like the gateway to the rest of europe. well, it seems like i have more thinking to do...
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posted at 6:31 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, April 19, 2002
music right now: "haemoglobin" by placebo
there is something about parents that makes me want to scream and rip out my hair. they are so incredibly annoying! and the song "haemoglobin" by placebo totally describes how i feel right now after a long conversation with my mother. while gabbing about what i'm doing this summer, i happened to mentionthat i want to buy a sarong. this was followed by a comment from my mother that went something like this: "clinton, you're gay, you're not a girl and you NEVER will be." that little phrase has completely changed any sort of attitude i have towards my mother, who i used to consider a hero. now i just consider her a wolf in sheeps clothing. fuck, at least i know where i stand with the hicks in pick up trucks that i left behind in alberta. but my own mother?! i could not believe those words came out of her mouth. when i came out, she said she'd always support me. i took this to also mean that she'd never judge me based upon her own prejudices. well, i guess she should have clarified that! whatever. as vicky says, i'm just not going to tell her anything anymore.
meanwhile, i've had the thought of moving to philadelphia after university running through my strange little cranium today. why? i have no idea. i think it has to do with the movie the sixth sense in a very strange way. i loved the way philadelphia looked in that movie and i always want to live in a city based upon it's appearance (which seems really shallow, but why would you want to live in an ugly city?!). for example, montreal is a very interesting looking city and i love the architecture. meanwhile, edmonton and calgary are not like that and i could never live in their boxy buildings that look like little more that crudely assembled lego blocks. but, as i was walking home from saq, i thought, "should i base where i live after univerisity based upon the gay scene within that city, or on the city itself? after all, i could find love in a city without an established gay area, couldn't i?". that's a good question indeed.
music right now: "bigmouth strikes again" by placebo (a cover of the smiths songs of the same name)
as i listen to this song, i ponder what ever drove johnny marr and morrissey to ever write a song with such obviously bizarre and shocking lyrics as this one. "sweetness, sweetness i was only joking when i said i'd like to smash every tooth in your head..". but, the more that i think about it, the more i realise what this song perhaps is about - physical and verbal abuse. and that's something to write about. after all, the smiths were never afraid to write about devisive subjects. just look at some of their other song titles: "meat is murder", "the queen is dead", "girlfriend in a coma" (well, i'm not too sure about that last one, but whatever). nevertheless, i can't help but sing along to these songs. they are way too catchy.
*sings* "her very lowness with her head in a sling, i'm truly sorry but it sounds like a wonderfull thing.... so i checked all the registered historical facts and i was shocked into shame to discover that i was the eighteenth descendent of some old queen or other..."
this just brought back the image of my seven year old sister singing along to this song. it was really funny because she knew most of the lyrics and everytime that she got to the part where it goes ".. and talk about precious things, but when you're tied to your mother's apron, no one talks about castration..." my mum would scream at me for letting her listen to it. but, returning to the smiths, i think that every generation has a band like them. they are so incredibly influential on music today. look at placebo. i swear, they're the smiths on acid. on that topic, which band do i think was the most influential of all time? the beatles? the rolling stones? the monkees? no, none of these. joy division. they brought out the dark corners of the human soul into the limelight and the world has never looked back. so many musicians have written about the subject matter they pioneered - the smashing pumpkins, depeche mode, and goth rock band, the cure... the list goes on. thank god for ian curtis' lyrics. just listening to "love will tear us apart" gives me the chills. his voice reaching from beyond the grave. he gave a voice to all us people out there who were never included in music before. everyone else sang about drugs, sex, love, sunshine, and other things, while joy division sang about death, self loathing and suicide (very very creepy considering ian curtis' suicide after the second album was released). despite the fact that they existed for only a short time, their memory will go on in music. damn, now i sound stupid. oh, one last good thing that came out of joy division - new order. crank up "blue monday" or "crystal" and tell me that those aren't amazing songs.. i dare you.
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posted at 9:44 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: a bunch of random UB40 songs
my summer goals!
since it is the start of my summer and because i refuse to make new years resolutions, i've decided to start my own tradition - summer goals. so, here they are (in all their spectacular glory):
i) buy a sarong [because i think i'd look good in one and ariel thinks so too]
ii) learn how to make a cosmopolitan
iii) find out where the beef really is [cuz it certainly isn't anywhere i've looked!]
iv) whore it up at divers/cite [montreal's pride celebration]
v) get a really nice tan and eliminate all those nasty tan lines from last summer [fuckin sandles]
vi) wax my legs without crying or burning myself
vii) find a store that sells pants that fit me [without having to resort to buying really expensive pants from le chateau or women's pants - how hard is it for the gap to make size 28 pants? i'm not THAT small! hello!!!]
viii) get a really cool ring for my thumb
ix) finally get my belly button pierced like i've been wanting to for the longest time
x) do something cool with my hair
and that's it. if i accomplish these things, i'll be happy. except number iii because that one's just a little too hard.
music right now: "can't get you out of my head" by kylie minogue
well, now that i've finally finished two of my finals i have some breathing room and i can write again. god, they were hell to study for. i hate whoever decided that essential biology and international politics of economic relations should be on the same day. they shall die a very painful death indeed.... *insert demonic laugh here with thunder and lightning in the background*.
so, i am extremely hyper right now. this is really great because i need to be hyper. i am so ready to dance around my room and start singing at the top of my lungs!!!!!!! maybe it's all the caffeine in my system. maybe its the six chocolate bars i ate last night. maybe its because i'm a very strange boy who should be locked in a very small padded room with a turtle named fred. either way, i'm hyper. gotta go before i bounce off the walls. -sayonara
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posted at 4:50 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, April 17, 2002
music right now: "take me somewhere nice" by mogwai
for some reason, this song reminds me of a guy i had a crush on at the beginning of this year. he was in one of my classes and i really liked him, but it seemed like he never noticed me. so, i just lazed about in my little crush-like state for a while. i met him like halfway through the term, and for some reason this song stuck to him. i have no idea. i think it reminds me of long island, new york (even though i've never been there), and i thought that was where he was from. but i found out a while ago that he's from the opposite side of the continent. well, ever since me and mike went our separate ways (relationship wise, not friendship wise), i find my thoughts inextricably drawn back to him. there's just something about him that makes me feel strange inside. i look at the way he writes his notes in class, the way he walks, and it just triggers something inside me. i really like him. but i can't do anything about it. why? because we're friends. i hate that. it's one of the major failings in my life. i always seem to fall for people that are friends. this happened in high school with this guy mark. i fell so hard for him and it tore me apart. all i wanted was to feel him wrap his arms around me. instead, all i heard were his incesant homophobic and anti-semetic comments. i would yell at him for them, but you can't fight ignorance with a loud voice. you have to tell them what they're doing; how it affects people; how it hurts, how it scars, how it kills. i know he wasn't a bad person, it was just the way he was brought up. i have no idea why i pined away over him for so long. there was just something about him. something about him that awoke something in me. it's because of my love for him that i came out to myself and to the world. and that was a good feeling. but knowing that i could never have him was the worst feeling in the world. remembering the way i felt then brings back bad memories now. i'm not the same person i was then, of course. but i still fear that if i fall any further for this guy it could end up being like before. so, i put the brakes on my emotions. is this a good thing to do?
music right now: "bittersweet symphony" by the verve
right now i'm reminded of this lyric from a song (the name escapes me) - what is this life for?. i have no idea why it's in my head. earlier i had this idea to take the metro to somewhere i've never been. i was going to go to st-michel station and sit in the middle of this octagonal square parkish thing. there's a library and another building in this park. but the feeling i got from it was as if i was travelling back to the 1980s. it's such a strange feeling. i get it occasionally. whenever i watched the goonies and listen to cyndi lauper or any other retro stuff it feels like a hand reaching out from the past, from my past, reaching into my mind and my chest and gripping me, pulling me towards something i don't remember. i don't remember the 80s. i should. it was part of my childhood. this decade has a very weird significance for me, what that is, i don't know. i wish i did. but every now and again i regret for some reason that i didn't grow up in the 80s. it's so completely bizarre, and i have no idea why part of me would wish that. i do remember one thing from that decade. i remember watching my mother crying while watching the news of the montreal massacre. this memory sticks out in my mind because i think it was the first time i saw her cry. it's weird that i think of that now.
music right now: "hún jörð" by sigur ros
this song is so incredibly emotionally painful for me to listen to sometimes, because it was one of my death songs. i was going through so much at that time. but now that i listen to it, i wonder why i went through all that. it's too painful to think of right now....
despite the somber tone i seem to be taking right now, i'm not unhappy in the least. i'm actually quite content, but also rather reflective of my past situations. my life has taken so many strange turns over it's short course that i never know what to expect. it's kind of like driving up a switchback road. as soon as it appears that you're going straight towards some sort of destination, the road suddenly curves the other way. and for some reason, i get the feeling that it's amazingly thrilling. life it thrilling. no matter where it leads, i'm going to find out. the one thing that stopped me from trying to kill myself so many times was the thought that there's so much i have left to do in the world that to end it now would deprive me of that opportunity.
music right now: "infantile" by my vitriol
so, i must get back to studying for my poli sci and bio tests on friday.
-ciao
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posted at 3:59 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: the sound of montreal at night (my window is open)
i saw panic room tonight - very very good movie. not as good as "kissing jessica stein" mind you, but better than anything else i've seen so far this year. but, after that, me and mike sat on lower campus for a bit and talked. it was really nice.
then we hiked up mount royal. if i could describe the memory in one word, it would have to be "perfect". as we stood at the summit, i could feel something i haven't felt in such a long time. i felt content. nothing was wrong. and as i started to cry, it became clearer to me. the world was moving around me. i felt like i was actually part of it, instead of invisible like i've always felt. i was alive. and the tears kept coming. then mike whispered to me "everything will work out". yes, everything will. everything has. i looked down upon montreal, the cars streaming up des pins, the lights flashing in the distance, and all i could think of was that i didn't want this to end. and it never will. keep the memories you cherish right next to your heart and that feeling will go on forever. it will be eternal. as long as we remember one another we will never die. we will be perfect.
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posted at 12:35 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, April 16, 2002
music right now: "superstar" by love inc.
my god, montreal has become a sauna! it is so bloody hot out. i've been staying inside where it's a lot cooler because i hate the heat. i could take it if it was like 10 degrees cooler, but i'm roasting if i go outside. but it is beautiful. i've been getting laundry done, which is awesome, because not a lot of people are using the laundry room. yeah. and listening to super-happy music because after all, warm weather makes me really happy and hyper.
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posted at 4:02 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, April 15, 2002
well, i just watched the last episode of once and again, and i cried, and still am crying. it was so sad at the end. the actors seemed to be pleading for the network not to cancel their show. just the image of shane west tearing up makes me want to cry even more. ugh.
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posted at 11:23 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
why do i always have to be alone? it really sucks. i would just like to be able to feel someone's touch and know that they love me for once. i miss the feeling. and now i'm crying which really sucks. i thought i was better. i thought i could stand being alone for a while. but it feels helpless. ugh, this hurts. it seems like everyone has someone to wake up to, wake up for. is it because i'm ugly? i hate that thought, but it keeps on spiralling through my head. is it because i'm not worth it? no idea. all i know is that i'll wake up and still have no connection to someone else like that. gotta go to bed before i cry any more.
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posted at 12:31 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
oh, comments can be posted now. i'm happy that i finally got it to work. gotta get some sleep. last day of classes tomorrow.
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posted at 12:10 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
i have this song going through my head right now. it's not particularly great, but one part hits me and is really beautiful. it's called "blurry" by puddle of mudd. i could be your someone/ i could be your scene. such a beautiful lyric.
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posted at 12:05 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, April 14, 2002
i have no idea where i am. i feel my body drifting away. i am dying.
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posted at 3:14 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, April 13, 2002
i'm madonna!!!! i LOVE her!!
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posted at 3:04 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "is this desire?" by pj harvey.
so, i woke this morning with an intense headache that doesn't seem to want to leave me. what am i to do? eat a banana of course. strange thing to do, you say? well, i was also incredibly hungry. stupid hangovers. so, i've just got to thinking - what if i never find someone to grow old with. like look at the forty year old singles out there. they probably won't find love in their life time, and i'm just slightly afraid that this might be my case. but, i also think, these people have one thing i don't - personalities as wonderful as a face full of caustic soda. i'm not a bad person. at least i hope i'm not. i just wonder if i'll be alone for the rest of my life. and it sucks. and as i write this, i'm not depressed or sad. i'm just simply blahh, if you know what i mean. i'm tired. and hung over. blah! time to eat a little bit of cheese.
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posted at 2:23 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, April 12, 2002
music right now: "don't let me get me", "just like a pill", and "get this party started" by pink
i was laying outside on the grass with ariel and vicky today and i realised something - i am so lucky to be here. i cannot believe how close i came to the brink of death so many times. and now it feels like all this emotion that i had inside has started to come out some how. i wrote what i wrote last night not as a plea, but as a resolution. that's what i've been looking for all my life, some sort of resolution of who i am and where i'm going. you might be thinking "but that only happens in death", but that's not true. everyone falls into that cliche of "coming of age". well, i think i am. i know where i'm going. i know who is crawling underneath my skin. i know who i am. and that is the best feeling in the world.
so, i read something mike wrote me, and it made me cry. i love him with all my heart, and i know we can never be together like i wanted us to be. but, i've accepted that. distance has grown between us in this past week, and it hurts. i feel like i lost one of my best friends. i've told him stuff i've never told anyone. and i want that back. i want us back. i want my friend back.
music right now: "high" by feeder. this song, despite it's happy overtone, it makes me cry because this is the song they played at jon lee's funeral (he was the drummer for feeder). he killed himself last winter.
speaking of winter, i think there is something about this winter that really changed me. i'm not sure what. going home at christmas has really altered every perception i have of the world. i saw what i left, and i don't regret it for a second. i love people back in alberta, but i can't go back there. i have too much pain invested in that province. and with the snow that fell the day i left to go back to alberta came the problems i tried to abandon. they piled up on me like twenty dark spectors riding on my tiny little shoulders until i could take no more - valentines night. i ended up crying my eyes up with vicky. but out of that came some sort of strength that i needed to find. life is fucking hard. this is definitely an understatement half the time. i used to wake up being tired of living. that is the saddest thing in the world. there is so much experience left in my eighty or ninety years left. i want to see the world. i want to find someone to grow old with. i want to live. yeah.
music right now: "why does my heart feel so bad?" by moby
montreal is so beautiful by night. all the lights in the office towers. i often wonder what goes on inside those buildings when they are sleeping. like in the music video "apparitions" by the matthew good band. it's cool. i have this thing with what i call "quiet" music. like stuff that sounds like the world when it's dark - these songs give me this strange feeling, kind of like my introspective music i mentioned in my post last night. what are these songs? - "born slippy" by underworld, "my weakness" by moby, "pure shores" by all saints, "into the night" by love inc, and "lonely souls" by unkle. oh, and "all is full of love" by bjork (which is the most amazing song ever written). and "angels" by the tea party. but all these songs make me think of the heart beat of the world when it's asleep. like walking down a lonely street, these songs run through my head. i have no idea why. it's just something that happens. i love it when the world slows down and sleep. so much happens. yet so little happens too. it's as if we're at our most primal and vulnerable. everybody seeks that need for sleep, so we must stop. and in the black of night things keep living. it's so strange for me to write. i guess i'm like one of the only people who feels this. or am i?
music right now: "what matters" by randi driscoll. this must be the saddest song ever!
so, as you get to know me, i'm sure there are questions that arise. like "you say you are a writer, but what have you written? and what do you write?". well, this is an interesting question. you can't walk into a bookstore and read anything i've written so far, but i hope that you will be able to soon. i have been published twice, though. in grade 3 i won a story contest in a local newspaper and i had my story published (plus i got $20, which was a huge deal for me considering we were poor when i was young). and then in grade 11 i wrote a poem that was published in a book of poetry. i have no idea how you can get a copy of the book, but i do have the poem. it's not all that good (it's about selling out), but i might as well post it. note: this is from a period in my life where i was obsessed with the manic street preachers and their brand of politcal rock, so i was writing a lot of stuff like this.
take us or leave us we are still here waiting for the tide to come in.
we are still here waiting for you to love us.
idol worship is a thing of the past.
now bow down before us.
we are still here handing out carrier bags.
we are still here handing out that which you crave.
idol worship is a thing of the future.
now join our faceless corporation.
we are still here; we are sellouts.
we are still here; we are sucking wallets dry.
idol worship is a thing of the present.
now hate us for who we are,
not what we were
invent the future.
collapse the present.
that won't change what has come at last;
idol worship, from the past.
please don't judge me based on this crap. it's really bad i realise. but i was going through a phase where i hated everything about established society. of course i was in the process of coming out to people, so that was part of it. like some of the names of my poems ("heterosexual lies", "return to the void", etc...) are really morbid and angry. that's what i was. but anyway, i have a book of poerty, but i hate them all. way too annoying. there is one or two poems i wrote, but they're experimental and i don't feel like sharing them. they're "works in progress". but i'm also writing a play/movie. it's really interesting, because i'm putting a lot into it. i have the whole thing in my head, and i really love it. it's a labour of love, if you will. and i'm excited. i have no idea how good or bad it is, but i could care less. i'm giving birth to a creative child that i've been waiting forever to have.
well, as soft cell says "don't touch me please i cannot stand the way you tease!"
laterz
this is great, cuz i love mel c. i love the spice girls too. i just wish they'd come out with something new (although both mel c and posh's solo albums are really really good).
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posted at 10:52 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, April 11, 2002
music right now: "vespertine" by bjork
so, as i was walking by the arts steps yesterday, i thought to myself "wow, a lot of people smoke". of course, me being the person that i am also have done the nasty with those little cancer sticks on more than one occasion. but, what makes it different than eating meat? i wondered today in my contemporary moral issues conference today (which was held outside due to the amazing weather we're having). well, i stumbled upon a phrase: "i pick my own poison". it completely encapsulated my whole life. i choose what kills me and what doesn't. i may smoke occasionally and drink on occasion, and these affect me and me only in the present. i don't smoke around others who don't. i realise that second hand smoke is horrible. after all, i breathed it in for eleven years of my tiny little life. but, as i was thinking, there are vegetarians who smoke, and smoke alot they do. so, why is this right? because they know the consequences of smoking. they choose to affect their own lives, and decide not to take others by eating meat. and i guess that's a good enough reason for me. everyone chooses their own poison, whether it's alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, religion, life, death, whatever. we all walk that fine line between being addicts and not. it just depends on what we choose to do. some are socially stigmatised, while others are socially revered. but they all have the same effect - making our life on this muddy little ball that much easier to take.
music right now: "dolly" by dolly. je n'veux pas rester sage is such a good song.
*sings*
je n'veux pas rester sage
j'aime le souffre et l'envie
abuser de mon age
je n'veux pas rester sage...
well, what else do i have to say? i took this survey today that mike sent me, and one question particularly interested me. it was "if you could be in any movie, what would it be?". naturally my choices were somewhat limited, so i chose "the dead poet's society" as robert sean leonard's character (neil), "get real" as steven, and "the last of the mohicans" as alice. why? because i feel that each one of these movies embodies something about me as a person. like in "the dead poet's society", neil was forced to drop out of a play that he wanted to be in more than anything in the world. and his father forced him to go quit school and go to military school. so he killed himself rather than face that. and ethan hawke's character freaked out. that is one of the saddest parts in a movie that i have ever seen. and one of the most interesting undertones of a homosexual relationship. i totally think that todd (ethan hawke) was in love with neil. look at the way he reacted when he heard. he threw up all over the place while bawling and ran into the snow. it's so sad. and i feel that i have a lot in common with both characters. and plus john keeting (robin williams) reminds me so much of my high school hero, mrs. jensen-hengstler. the one teacher who affected me most. i remember the last thing she told me: "make your mark, clinton". and i'm going to. i hope. in any way i can.
music right now: "white ladder" by david gray.
the second movie i chose, "get real", is important to me because there is the one scene where steven comes out to his school and that totally made me cry. in grade 12 we had a project in which we had to write a speech in which we said something important, and then we had to stand in front of the class and say it. i was going to use it to come out to my class. i went over what i would say so many times, but it always seemed to go like this:
"you say things like fag, that's so gay, and stupid queer! all the time, but you have no idea what sort of impact they have. millions of gay teenagers are harassed every year and a gay teen has a much higher risk of attempting suicide. how do i know this? i am that gay teenager. i listen to what you say everyday and it breaks my heart. i've cried myself to sleep at night wondering why i am so hated for being who i am, but the only answer is that i'm not hated for who i am. i'm hated because people are ignorant and can't see that i'm like them. i just love differently. what's so wrong with love? most of you are catholic. the bible says love everyone. so, how come it's possible for people like fred phelps to stand at a gay man's funeral with a sign saying fags burn in hell? it hurts. you will never know the pain it causes me every day. but, i love myself. i love who i am. it's taken a long time to come to this. nobody wants to be gay. i was born this way. i will die this way. and along the way i hope i affect those around me in a good way. we can't let hate run our lives. so, i'm here, i'm queer..... i'm here. deal with it."
for as long as i live, i will regret never coming out in high school. i would have been hurt, but i'd rather be hurt for who i am rather than be in the closet to protect myself. there's nothing wrong with being gay. i'm don't hate the fact that i am. it's a blessing. i am different. but i am not deficient. i have the capacity to love, which is the greatest thing in the world? isn't it?
the third movie i chose was "the last of the mohicans" (my mum's favourite movie and the movie i've seen the most, i think). there is one part in the movie in which cora and alice are taken by mogua to be judged by the lake huron because they didn't get the "justice" they wanted. so hawkeye, uncas and chingachcook take off after them, trying to save them. uncas comes face to face with mogua and they duel, with uncas being stabbed through the back with an axe and thrown off a cliff. but uncas and alice had fallen in love and she steps towards the cliff's edge. she ignores mogua's outstretched hand and jumps to her death. it's so sad and beautiful because she would rather be with her love in death than to live without him. that would be the way i would want to die. with the person i love rather than after them. i could never stand to lose the person i love with all my heart like that. you never get over a broken heart caused by death. you change. your soul has lost a part of itself. the most important part.
oh, by the way. i am so excited. i just found out that lars von trier's new movie "dogville" is coming out soon. i hope i'll get to see it soon. i loved dancer in the dark. so incredibly sad but one of the most profound movies i've ever seen (besides boys don't cry which totally changed me in a way i can't even describe). oh, speaking of movies, if you want to see something so strange, yet amazing, see "ghost world" with thora birch, scarlett johansson, and steve buscemi. it's like a total mind-fuck. it makes you think about life and what we're really doing. where are we going? why?
so, i've been waxing philosophic tonight, haven't i? well, it's good. i'm minoring in philosophy (i think). plus i've had a lot on my mind, i guess. i love writing this. it's a release. i'm looking at myself in a way i rarely get to. i think about this stuff a lot, but now i can write it down and see what it is i'm thinking of in context to the outside world.
what else is piquing my interest right now? i've been thinking alot about growing older right now. like i now have two nieces and two nephews, and it scares the crap out of me. i don't want to be old. i'll be 30 when my younger sister graduates high school. where will i be? who will i be with? it's all to sudden. i want things to slow down. i like where i'm at right now. i love being able to go out with friends and see movies and sleep in late whenever i want. i don't need to have a job screwing that up. but then again, i'm a writer. this is what i do. i love it. it's the core of my being. and if i didn't have it, i wouldn't be able to live. but, i keep coming back to where i'm going to be in ten years, or fifteen. i used to think i'd be living in manchester with my boyfriend in a little flat near canal street. we'd have long walks with our dog and drive out to the countryside in our little car and lay in the open meadow in each others arms.... *content sigh* but now i don't think i'll be living in england. i see myself in auckland or reykjavik. i see myself with someone. but i don't know what else i see. i've lost some of my adventuring spirit i think. why do i want to be tied down already? like six months ago i felt like a wanderer, wanting to see the world. to suck up all the sights and experience everything possible. i still want that. but i would be content to settle down with the love of my life (whomever that may be... jude law are you reading this? *hint hint*) and live. i could never see myself living at the centre of a continent. i need the ocean. i've only seen it in movies and the little i saw from boston harbour, but i feel it in my bones. the huge vast open water. i want to live near it. like the beach in deep impact where tea leoni and maximillian schell died. something like that. not a tropical beach. something like cape cod or the oregon coast. i still need a little winter too :-) or maybe the coast of ireland. or auckland, even though that's tropical. but it looks so cool in all the pictures i've seen and i want to get a kiwi accent ever so much. but i could also see myself living in reykjavik. i want to go there next summer (2003) for the summer to learn icelandic at the university of iceland. maybe. that would be so amazing. i love icelandic. it sounds so cool. like i listen to sigur ros and i want to be able to speak the language. it's so random and so isolated. and the letters look cool.
music right now: "brand new day" by sting (only because i love the song desert rose)
*sings*
i dream of rain
i dream of gardens in the desert sand
i wake in pain
i dream of love and time runs through my hand
so, i look up at my wall and i see this picture. i cut it from rolling stone. they had one of those special picture issues and i got a few really good pics from it. anyway, it's a pic of joy division in a tunnel, and the lead singer, ian curtis, is looking back. this picture is so ominous to me because he killed himself after joy division released their second album. suicide. what makes a person willingly end their life? i've thought way too much about this. i don't do it all that much anymore, but i used to be fascinated with this concept of death. humans are the only creatures that will commit such an act. why is this? it is because we see something animals don't? i'm not sure. but i think about all the great artists and writers who were so tortured like this. sylvia plath, vincent van gogh, ian curtis, etc.. the list goes on. i think that inspiration comes from sadness. as van gogh said before he died "la tristessa durera" (the sadness continues). i may not be a famous writer or artists (yet, i hope), but i understand that. sadness provides inspiration. i don't make myself sad, i just am sad a lot of the time. but what comes out of that makes me feel like a person. like a human. the sadness makes up a part of me. without it, i don't think i could write what i do. so, it's really weird when people tell me "be happy", and "you are too sad and depressed". it's when i write. it's when i am me. this is the stripped down, most vulnerable part of me, and it's what does the writing. not the analytical, slightly annoying, somewhat self-confident, rational part of me. wow, i've never said that before. i've thought about this, but writing it out really brings me back to the whole core of myself. i actually know who i am for once in my life. it's good. but it's bad.
music right now: my introspective songs - "take me somewhere nice" by mogwai, followed by "now you are free" by james horner, and "theme from cast away" by john williams. they give me this feeling inside that i can't describe. it's the weirdest thing in the world, but i love to feel it. i have no words to describe it.
so, i shall leave this post now and return to the world that is my dorm room. hmmmm.... i wonder if i have any food in my fridge.
-ciao for now
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posted at 11:43 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
so, today is my friday (thursday for the rest of the world). what am i to do? lay around and listen to music is the apparent answer. i want to do something interesting and stimulating. so, earlier, i was looking at summer programs at the university of iceland in reykjavik. i really want to learn icelandic, but there are so few schools in north america that teach it, so i might try to go to iceland next summer so i can learn the language. that would be amazing. reykjavik is supposed to be the party capital of the world! yay!
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posted at 9:52 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, April 10, 2002
well, i feel so stupid right now. i was supposed to be seing nelly furtado tonight with swollen members (the band, not something else all you people with sick minds - for shame!), but it seems i've misplaced my ticket. this sucks so much! so i'm sad, and i'm trying to cheer myself up by listening to kylie minogue (which is working somewhat).
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posted at 7:00 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
wow, it's the middle of the night and i feel like i've been gutted by a meat hook. my emotions are way too high right now and i feel like crying. great... i just wish everything was normal. i wish it was last september. i wish i had never gone to boston for easter. i wish i wasn't me right now. love really sucks. everytime you think you are over someone, something keeps pulling you back. i miss mike. he's such an amazing person, and i miss him. i hate it because people think that i depend on others for happiness, but i don't. i'm happy in my own way, but he made me feel good when i was around him. he made me happy. but i didn't need him to be my happiness eternally. i have happiness of my own. i love that i'm in montreal. i love that i have good friends. i'm happy that i'm finally at a place where i can be open and honest about who i am. but i'm not happy that i lost love. it hurts too much.
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posted at 2:42 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, April 08, 2002
did i mention that i absolutely love natalie imbruglia?! "that day" is such a good song, but "sunlight" is just that much better. but my overall favourite is "butterflies". it's sad yet it describes how i feel sometimes. and the lyrics are really weird, which is kind of cool. anyway, i'm so sick of looking at sublets for the summer. nick called me earlier and told me about one across the hall from him. it's like $500/month, but i really don't care anymore. i need somewhere to live for four months.... and i'm applying to the mcgill bookstore tomorrow. *crosses fingers* i really hope i get it. i would get a discount on textbooks, which is soooooo good. i just hope they give me an interview and that i don't have to speak in french in it. if i do get one, though, i'll practice like a mofo before it with ariel (especially considering she's totally fluent in french). well, off to read contemporary moral issues crap and listen to more natalie.... ciao
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posted at 8:42 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
well, i'm looking at a sublet for the summer. i'm really nervous, because i'd be living probably with one or two other people. the thing is it's a guy (most likely straight), so i'm not to sure about that. if he was gay it would be different, but i'm not all that comfortable around straight guys because i feel like they try to prove that they're straight a little too often. but i guess it could be interesting. at least i'm not looking at it by myself. i'm taking vicky with me. she'll be my moral support for the adventure. after all, i've done it before for her. wish me luck!
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posted at 5:03 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
hmmm, what is it about international politics of economic relations that makes me tired? i fell asleep in it today. the one saving grace of that class is that we had course evaluations today and i trashed it. meanwhile, i figured out that poli sci is WAY over my head. i feel so stupid whenever we have a discussion in conference because all these know-it-all type people keep talking and i feel inferior. whatever! anyway, i'm so excited about my english lit classes this fall, especially the 20th century canadian film class i'm taking. it's going to be so amazing. i love canadian films, so it should be good.
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posted at 3:52 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
still can't sleep... too sad... "the funeral party" by the cure or "take me somewhere nice" by mogwai both describe this feeling i have inside.
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posted at 2:32 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
i can't sleep. i guess i just have too much going on in my head.
hmm.... i have that song "a new day has come" by celine dion in my head. am i the only person who thinks the lyrics are absolutely amazing? they make me almost cry everytime i hear them. if you don't know what they are, here they are:
A new day has come
A new day has come
I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told to me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear
Through the darkness and good times
I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you
Hush now! I see a light in the sky
Oh! It's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it feel my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun
A new day has come
Where it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now there's joy
Where there was weakness I found my strenght
All in the eyes of a boy
Hush now! I see a light in the sky
Oh! It's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it feel my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun
A new day has...
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it feel my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun
A new day has come
Hush now! I see the light in your eyes
All in the eyes of a boy
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love
Hush now!
A new day
Hush now!
A new day
just reading them brings tears to my eyes. i'm not stupid.. am i? or am i reading way too much into them?
i have to sleep. i'm going to be a zombie! night - xxoo
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posted at 1:28 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
well, i've posted a lot today. i better get some sleep. don't want to be nodding off in contemporary moral issues tomorrow... right, like that won't happen!
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posted at 12:52 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
here's another one (again, courtesy of mike's livejournal). i totally thought mike would be britney and not the backstreet boys, and i would be someone else. hmmm. strange.
this is totally me, which is really cool, considering i love pj harvey soooo much!
thank you mikey for that link (from your live journal).
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posted at 12:33 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, April 07, 2002
well, i'm posting againg. yeah. so, i think that my page looks kind of boring, don't ya think? well, i really hope to learn how to play around with it and make it look really cool. but i guess i'll have to save that for after finals. any suggestions on how i should make my page look?
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posted at 11:29 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
a conversation between me and myself:
me: well well, it seems we've finally decided to write an online journal. what do you have to say for yourself??!
myself: well, i...i...
me: well what?
myself: i just need someplace to write. so, i might as well do it where everyone can read it, huh? after all, i like to write, and i like to hear what people think about what i'm writing. so, that's my motivation.
anyway, i should probably stop that right now, because you're probably thinking "my god, this guy's pretty screwed in the head!". well, i'm not (at least my shrink says i'm not). who am i? i'm your typical university student. what's not so typical is that i'm gay. big deal, right? well, apparently it was in my home province. so i packed up my life into two suitcases, hopped aboard a train, and travelled ALL THE WAY ACROSS the continent to montreal. so, now my first year of university is almost over, and i have to say, it's nothing like i thought it would be (damned "felicity" tainting my hopes and dreams.... i still love that show. it's a shame it's going off the air...). i'm totally out now, which is an amazing feeling. i don't have to lie about who i am. but along with that comes a lot of crap.
so, why did i start to write today? well, last night my boyfriend broke up with me. now i've had other boyfriends before, but this was different. i was in love. and it hurts. but i think something good is coming out of it. i've spent all day today thinking over where i'm going with my life, and i think i do have some sort of direction, but that i never saw it before. i realised i depend way too much upon others to help me feel good about myself. that really sucks. i have to love myself for who i am, not what others know me to be. and i've finally gotten over my writers' block that i've had for a good year. "writers' block?" you say. yeah, i'm a writer. "but... but... you haven't been published?" well, i have been, kind of. the local newspaper. "that doesn't count!". i know it doesn't but that's not the point. what is the point is that i am a writer. as someone once said "nobody wants to become a writer, they are a writer - so long as they write." i love to write. it makes me who i am. and i'm incredibly sad i haven't been able to do it like i am right now for a long long while. i almost feel like i'm not necessarily dead inside anymore (long story that requires much explanation).
well, i better get back to writing my developing areas presentation for tomorrow. it's a pain in the butt, but i don't want to be living in a box on the corner of sherbrooke street and university when i'm older.
listening to right now: "nothing much happens" by ben lee. definitely one of the best male singers i've ever heard. listen to him if you get the chance.
choice album right now: "white lillies island" by natalie imbruglia. simply THE BEST thing i've ever heard coming out of the mouth of a musician. she's amazing. and she's staring in a movie soon!! i'm so excited!
(as you can tell, i love music, plus i ramble.)
stay gleefully gloomy - it's the best way to live life.
Reading: The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism
Naomi Klein God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
Christopher Hitchens Copenhagen
Time Out City Guides
Seeing: Juno
Jason Reitman Annie Hall
Woody Allen There Will Be Blood
Paul Thomas Anderson
Listening to: Boxer
The National The Fountain: OST
Clint Mansell In Rainbows
Radiohead
