music right now: "to love you more (dance remix)" by celine dion
have i become a guppy (gay urban professional - basically a gay yuppie)? i find myself wondering that more and more. i find myself sitting here, eating sushi, drinking pepsi from a can with a straw, listening to celine dion, pondering whether it is so. the first time i remember even being called a yuppie was by my mum. we were at swiss chalet and i ordered bottle water with my meal. she was like "clinton, you are such a yuppie." i was completely weirded out by the comment. it has haunted me ever since.... could i possibly be one? i have no idea.
...
posted at 7:25 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "don't say goodbye" by paulina rubio
i am so hyper right now and it's rainy outside, which makes me want to cry! i want to go out on the main campus and dance around in the sunshine. but no, the fuckin clouds have decided that they need to pore rain upon us. argh!!
...
posted at 5:17 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "shades of gray (live)" by amanda marshall
since i am ever so bored, i am doing another survey. this is the last one for a while - i swear!
01. hair?: black... and spikey
02. eyes?: hazel... ugly colour if you ask me
03. height?: no idea... i think i'm 171 cm tall... i should messure this
04. weight?: 8 stone
05. figure?: slim.
? Style ?
01. clothing?: funky and chic. sometimes flashy
02. music?: placebo, bjork, kylie, moby, etc...
03. makeup?: sometimes. love glitter
04. bodyart?: earrings + industrial in my right ear
? Right Now ?
01. wearing?: tight jeans + a black tank top
02. listening to?: "red magic marker" by amanda marshall
03. thinking of?: dancing around my apartment
04. feeling?: hyper and slightly confused... no, wait, that ringing is part of the song, and not some strange phone in my room
? Last Thing You.. ?
01. bought?: probably shampoo
02. did?: send an instant message to sylvain
03. ate & drank?: ate - cheese; drank - orange juice
04. read?: some of "less than zero"
05. watched on tv?: no idea.... it's been a while since i even looked at a tv
? Either Or ?
01. club or houseparty?: both are fun
02. tea or coffee?: tea
03. high achiever or easy-going?: people see me as a high achiever i think, but i am easy-going. i just do my thing, and if i get good grades in the process, then great.
04. beer or cider?: cider
05. drinks or shots?: drinks are easier
06. cats or dogs?: both are cute. dogs are more devoted, cats are really affectionate most of the time (well, at least kramer is... i don't know about other cats)
07. pen or pencil?: pencil is classy
08. gloves or mittens?: mitts
09. food or candy?: both
10. cassette or cd?: cd, but minidisc is the best of them all
11. snuff or cigarettes?: cigarettes. marloboro lights... mmm.... shit, i should stop that
12. coke or pepsi?: pepsi
13. hard or mild alcohol?: either i guess
14. matches or a lighter?: matches. can't work lighters at all
15. sunset beach or the bold and the beautiful?: passions!!!!! though i used to watch bold and the beautiful with my grandma last summer
16. ricki lake or oprah winfrey?: oprah for sure, even if ricki is a fag hag.
? Who Do You Want To.. ?
01. kill?: hmmm.... dubya would be #1 on my list right about now
02. shag?: hayden christensen
03. slap?: margaret thatcher
04. hear from?: adam or aaron
05. get really wasted with?: ian! and everyone else who i usually would get drunk with
06. tickle?: nic. he goes nuts when i tickle him.
07. look like?: will young. cuz he's hot. and famous. and has an amazing voice. and would be really really good in bed.
08. be like?: brian molko
09. avoid?: old men who want to hit on me
? Favorite ?
01. food?: veggie lasagna
02. drink?: apple juice, vanilla soy milk, smirnoff ice, long island ice tea
03. colour?: black, blue, silver
04. album?: "white lilies island" by natalie imbruglia, "fever" by kylie
05. shoes?: any diesel shoes. i have a huge diesel fetish
06. site?: dotmusic.co.uk, or bbc.co.uk
07. dance?: no specific one
08. song?: "can't get you out of my head" by kylie, "all is full of love" by bjork
09. vegetable?: broccoli
10. fruit?: pineapple
11. berry?: strawberry
...
posted at 5:11 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
What's your claim to fame?
...
posted at 4:43 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "why don't you love me?" by amanda marshall
i love her voice. i'm really into her at the moment. i needed a break from listening to sarah polley and "crucify" by tori amos.
so, i'm just slightly addicted to big brother 3. the british version, that is. i'm so glad they got rid of lynne. she's such a bitch! i'm sad that sunita left the house yesterday. i kinda liked her. i think adele will win. plus she's in a relationship with a woman right now, which is kewl. gotta love diversity in the house. but her and lee are flirting, so who knows. there's gonna be some sparks flying i can tell. and alex is such a twat. just looking at his picture annoys me. argh!
...
posted at 4:31 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "don't say goodbye" by paulina rubio
love this song. definite happy summer song.
so, i took the dawson's creek personality test. i am:
Jennifer Lindley
Your Character: You're smart, sexy, and sophisticated… and perhaps a bit too cynical for your own good… but that doesn't wane anyone's interest in you. Though intimacy scares you, friendship doesn't, and it is your close bonds with your friends that help you through the hard times. And you've seen more than your fair share of those. Your worldly, experienced point of view broadens the minds of those around you, and you enjoy that. You love to read and to learn new things - but you've gotten to a point where you'd rather sit on the sidelines than participate in the action. You grew up, in your own words, "way too fast," but now you refuse to grow up at all, because the next step involves letting other people in.
Bottom Line: You know that shell you're protecting yourself with? It's not protecting you from anything, least of all your worst enemy - yourself. And that gay best friend (or, straight best friend, if you're gay) - he/she isn't the only person who "gets" you. You need to start trusting yourself - and other people as well. As soon as you learn to love yourself as much as everyone else loves you, you'll go far…
Character Defining Quote:
"Rule of thumb, anything you look forward to for a long time is invariably a disappointment."
very very true. i was hoping i'd get her instead of like pacey or joey. i wasn't expecting to get jack. i'm not that much like him. i'm not a jock, and i don't wanna join a frat (though i have thought of it for some strange reason).
...
posted at 1:05 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "don't say goodbye" by paulina rubio
love this song. definite happy summer song.
so, i took the dawson's creek personality test. i am:
Jennifer Lindley
Your Character: You're smart, sexy, and sophisticated… and perhaps a bit too cynical for your own good… but that doesn't wane anyone's interest in you. Though intimacy scares you, friendship doesn't, and it is your close bonds with your friends that help you through the hard times. And you've seen more than your fair share of those. Your worldly, experienced point of view broadens the minds of those around you, and you enjoy that. You love to read and to learn new things - but you've gotten to a point where you'd rather sit on the sidelines than participate in the action. You grew up, in your own words, "way too fast," but now you refuse to grow up at all, because the next step involves letting other people in.
Bottom Line: You know that shell you're protecting yourself with? It's not protecting you from anything, least of all your worst enemy - yourself. And that gay best friend (or, straight best friend, if you're gay) - he/she isn't the only person who "gets" you. You need to start trusting yourself - and other people as well. As soon as you learn to love yourself as much as everyone else loves you, you'll go far…
Character Defining Quote:
"Rule of thumb, anything you look forward to for a long time is invariably a disappointment."
very very true. i was hoping i'd get her instead of like pacey or joey. i wasn't expecting to get jack. i'm not that much like him. i'm not a jock, and i don't wanna join a frat (though i have thought of it for some strange reason).
...
posted at 1:05 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
here we go again. i'm in a bad mood. here's more whiny depressing song lyrics for ya.
save yourself by sense field
turn out the light
just say goodnight, to yourself
may I remind you
when you find you, you're all alone is when you've got to be strong
cause that's when they call you, in the night
he's got your picture in his mind
he's got your number on a paper at his disposal anytime
is it really true
could you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you
so many times we just give it away, to someone who
someone who you
met in bar
the back of a car
and for a moment you felt important but not in your heart
my self esteem, it's been low, go ahead and count it's been lower than low
i know the feeling of it stealing life out from under me
i want to learn, how you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you
so many times we just give it away to someone who, couldn't even remember your name
could you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you, loves me for me
give it away to someone who someone who will cherish your name
cause I want to learn, can you save yourself for
someone who will love you for you so many times we
just give it away, someone who, couldn't even remember your name
you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you,
loves me for me
give it away to someone who, someone who will
cherish your name
cherish your name
...
posted at 11:50 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "save me" by aimee mann
total rainy day music. it's raining out. and i don't want to have to go out into it. but i have to. i have to go to the russian and slavic studies department to get permission to be able to take russian in the fall. then i have to go see if my english paper is marked. i just feel like crap right now. my mouth hurts. and i have a sore neck. and i'm nauseous, so i can't eat or i'll throw up. great. just what i need. plus there is like no one around. vicky is off with her gramma. nick is in toronto. i'm bored. lovely.
Sebastian Valmont - You can't resist what you can't have. Because of this, you are smart and arrogant at the same time. You think of women as sex objects but all you need is the right girl to change you from the sick pervert that you are to someone who will readily die for love.
yeah! i'm hot! of course the rest of the description doesn't fit, but whatever.
nice. any movie that has christian bale, johnathan rhys meyers, ewan mcgregor and all of placebo in it is fine by me :-)
...
posted at 1:15 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, May 30, 2002
music right now: "slave to the wage" by placebo
instead of sleeping like i should be, i'm caught sitting here, wondering if i really wrote off alberta before giving it a chance. fort saskatchewan was a hole. that's for sure. but edmonton wasn't that bad. maybe i could have actually gone to university there. the thing is i think it was more of me wanting to get away from certain people rather than alberta itself. hmm... this is strange. i have this longing to go back for a bit to see what it's like. i know i could survive in edmonton really easily. it's a surprisingly cosmopolitan city for being in a hick province. maybe i'm just regretting things i shouldn't... hmm... whatever.
...
posted at 4:19 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "we are all made of stars" by moby
since i refuse to sleep, i'm going to do another survey (from mikey's livejournal, as per usual).
first grade teacher's name: mr. gallant
last word you said: ya (as in "see ya")
last song you sang: "we are all made of stars" by moby
last person you hugged: probably vicky
last thing you laughed at: can't remember. probably watching friends when i was sick yesterday
last time you said 'I love you': hmmm.... can't remember. it was like in the last day or two, though
last time you cried: watching the season finale of friends.
what's in your cd player: "fever" by kylie minogue (what else?!)
what color socks are you wearing: black
what's under your bed: nothing
what time did you wake up today: 7.00am
where do you want to go: london or nyc (right now!)
what is your career going to be: fashion design, with occasional spotlighting as a drag queen lol. right.... i also write, so maybe i'll have some stuff published. i'm a veritable jack of all trades.
where are you going to live: i keep saying that i want to live in either london or auckland, but i'll probably end up in stockholm or rekjavik
how many kids do you want: one, i think. maybe two.
what kind of car will you have: won't have one.
current taste: pepsi
current hair: shortish, getting a little too long for my taste
current clothes: gap jeans and gap ribbed t
current annoyance: stupid directors who ruin childhood movie trilogies by release crap sequels (fuck you george lucas)
current smell: nothing. i'm pretty sure i'm losing my sense of smell. i'll probably be anosmic by the end of the summer
current longing: to get rid of this toothache
current desktop picture: "the laramie project" movie cover
current book: "less than zero" by bret easton ellis... i feel like reading it again for some reason
current worry: that i won't get rid of this toothache (fuck i hate teeth!)
current time-wasting wish: to lay under the stars on the main campus with someone special
current hate: teeth.. and george lucas
story behind your lj username: hmmm.... gleefully gloomy = a quote from q magazine
current favorite article of clothing: hmm.... not sure to tell you the truth.
favorite physical feature of the opposite sex: eyes. same sex too. i love eyes. they always draw me in.
last cd that you bought: 18 by moby
favorite place to be: on the beach.
least favorite place to be: christmas dinner with all my family. ugh, i hate hearing all the bullshit they say. first it's the vegetarian comments, then the black nail polish comments, then the "so, do you have a girlfriend?" comments, then my cousin asking me yet again if i'm gay (she knows that i am now, so that won't happen again)
are you more strong in mind or strong in body: strong in mind of course. i'm a bloody weakling when it comes to my body.
average time you wake up in the morning: as of now - whenever i want. i like getting up before noon though
if you could play any instrument, what would it be: violin of couse
favorite color: black, blue, silver
do you believe in an afterlife?: nope. i believe in reincarnation in some sense, but other than that, i don't believe that death is the end of one thing and the beginning of another
how tall are you?: 5'11"
current favorite word: ascension
favorite book: "smilla's sense of snow" by peter hoeg, "less than zero" by bret easton ellis
favorite season: summer, autumn
one person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: probably aaron (ex boyfriend), or this guy mike that i was friends with from the time i was like 4 until the end of grade 5
one person you wish was here right now: ian. i want to whore it up at sky with him. i miss that!
a line from the last thing you wrote to someone: "ciao" to matt (high school mate)
a random lyric: "viva forever, i'll be waiting, everlasting, like the sun..." - viva forever by the spice girls
identify five things surrounding your computer: keys, purple pen, post-it notes, printer, cup
the most romantic song that you've ever heard: "please forgive me" by david gray
the last thing that made you truly happy: walkingup university, "love at first sight" playing on my discman, a smile on my face. i love that song. makes me sooooooooooo happy.
the last gift you recieved: magazines and chocolate from vicky last week when i was in the middle of being sick.
...
posted at 3:18 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "wonderwall" by robbie williams (live oasis cover from slane castle)
robbie doing oasis... hmm... that's a little strange. considering all the crap that liam and noel gallagher have said about robbie (for example - he's a fat dancer...), it's surprising to see him doing a cover of this song. it's a good version nonetheless. i really respect robbie (even if he is straight... which is doubtful considering that he sleeps with this guy every night). he's cute :-)
so, since i'm in a sentimental mood right now, here are the lyrics to wonderwall:
wonderwall by oasis
today is gonna be the day
that they're gonna throw it back to you
by now you should've somehow
realized what you gotta do
i don't believe that anybody
feels the way i do about you now
backbeat the word was on the street
that the fire in your heart is out
i'm sure you've heard it all before
but you never really had a doubt
i don't believe that anybody feels
the way I do about you now
and all the roads we have to walk along are winding
and all the lights that lead us there are blinding
there are many things that i would
like to say to you
i don't know how
because maybe
you're gonna be the one who saves me?
and after all
you're my wonderwall
today was gonna be the day
but they'll never throw it back to you
by now you should've somehow
realized what you're not to do
i don't believe that anybody
feels the way i do
about you now
and all the roads that lead to you were winding
and all the lights that light the way are blinding
there are many things that i would like to say to you
i don't know how
i said maybe
you're gonna be the one who saves me?
and after all
you're my wonderwall
i said maybe
you're gonna be the one who saves me?
and after all
you're my wonderwall
said maybe
you're gonna be the one that saves me
you're gonna be the one that saves me
you're gonna be the one that saves me
this song just makes me think. it and "building a mystery" were the first two songs that ever really meant anything to me. and i love them a lot. i've heard them repeatedly over five or six years, and they still never get old. that's the mark of a truly great song. you can hear it a million times and it never loses that meaning you put on it.
so, i was thinking what i wrote before about star wars. i don't think it's all that much that i was disappointed because i wasn't into that type of movie anymore, it's because they're effectively ruined what magic the original three had. i loved the empire strikes back (still the best star wars movie ever) so much when i was a kid. and now that i've seen attack of the clones, it feels like they've destroyed my childhood just a little bit. like when i saw the fellowship of the ring, i was so happy to see those characters on screen. i invested so much time reading those books when i was young, and to see them come to life was quite amazing. it truly was as if i was seeing my imagination on the big screen. but now star wars is gone. i will forever love the original trilogy as a relic from my childhood, alongside the goonies, willow, the neverending story, etc... but i cannot forgive george lucas for destroying what was once amazing. maybe it's the fact that a hell of a lot of stuff was unresolved in aotc (attack of the clones), and maybe be can make the third one amazing and bring it all together. but i don't know. i won't rush out to see it. just like i didn't rush out to see this one. ya.
...
posted at 2:34 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, May 29, 2002
music right now: "skating" by lili fatale
so, i finally gave in and saw star wars this afternoon. was it worth it? not really. i'm not sure why. either a) i didn't care at all about seeing that type of movie, or b) star wars has completely lost its magic. on the plus side yoda was really cute in it. other than that, i don't care about stuff like that anymore i think. i used to be a big star wars fan. now it's just not me. and it's a strange feeling because i thought i'd always be able to enjoy something like that as a guilty pleasure, but i guess i've changed too much. this doesn't make me sad, it just feels weird.
third times a charm :-) lol i am so abercrombie. actually i'm probably more either gap or le chateau, but whatever.
...
posted at 1:18 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "the trick is to keep breathing" by garbage
i love this song. it's so perverse and sexy at the same time. i love shirley manson's voice. they're also amazing live (i saw them when they opened for u2, which was amazing in itself). so, i've been thinking lately about one thing - the fact that i'm gay has become a non-issue. it doesn't affect me anymore. it's so bloody weird, because for years it was always how people defined me. i was gay, then i was clinton. now i'm simply just clinton, who happens to be gay. big deal, right?
music right now: "desenchantee" by mylene farmer
love this song.
anyway, back to what i was talking about. is it necessarily okay to treat being gay as a non-issue, because it's not going to always be that way. if by some strange freak i go back to alberta at christmas, it's not going to be treated the same way. i'm gonna be discriminated against. and i don't want to be caught off guard. right now i feel i know what it is like to have the gay movement succeed - i don't have to care about it. nobody will care. i'll be able to go outside and not have to care whether people are staring at me simply because i'm wearing something guys don't typically wear. it's like whatever. chances are this won't happen elsewhere, but i'm glad i know the feeling at least once in my life. i don't want to be defined by my sexuality. i want to be acknowledged that i'm a human being first and foremost, and i just happen to be gay. big deal.
...
posted at 8:46 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "kiss kiss" by holly valance
runner up for single of the year. too good to not mention. and the video is scandalously raunchy.
my god, i have NEVER been accused of something so heinous!!!!!!! ahhh!!!!!!!!!
so, i'm retaking the test. new answer: fuck, i got the same thing AGAIN! the universe is conspiring against me, i swear. i despise tommy hilfiger. it was chic for like three months two years ago. now it's just fuckin ghetto. and it's totally stealing abercrombie's marketing campaign. like i was walking up university yesterday and on the new les ailes de la mode centre place thingy they had an ad for the new tommy store opening inside in august. well, the ad totally looked like something abercrombie would do. i'm sickened! ahh! the world is going to hell in a handbasket (and the funny thing is that i'm being totally serious too).
...
posted at 8:35 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, May 28, 2002
music right now: "freak like me" by sugababes
this is THE single of the year. it's so fuckin hot. god, i love it. if you like this, "substance" by dot allison is really good too. the video for "freak like me" is really really cool too. they're vampires, i think, and it's really bizarre. but i love it. vampires kick ass.
so, i'm off to the doctors. i feel crappy. ugh. but what can i do? i can't exactly take an exam right now. i can't do much of anything. i'm sore, and i can't concentrate. and i'm sick. whateva....
...
posted at 12:37 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "the gentle art of cloaking" by my vitriol
yet another amazing british band not heard of on this side of the pond.
well, it's official - the osbournes sucks. i finally saw it. needless to say, i was not impressed. i have no idea why it's such a big hit. i watched the first episode, so maybe it gets better, but i really don't like it. it's pointless, boring, i can't understand what ozzy is saying half the time, jack needs a bloody haircut. on the plus side, kelly is kewl. total fag hag. and sharon isn't as much of a twat as i would have thought her to be. but in the end, i didn't like it.
...
posted at 11:08 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "bop bop baby" by westlife
i like this song. it's their new single in the uk, and i decided to hear it for myself. i thought it would be crap considering the title, but it's ace, so that's good.
so, i just saw the season finale of friends. finally. i just downloaded it and watched it. god, i didn't think i'd cry watching friends, but yet again i've been proved wrong (i cry occasionally watching it). i am so happy that rachel said yes to joey. truthfully, i love joey and he would be so good with rachel. who cares about ross. he's annoying. but joey is sweet and caring and he's been there for rachel through everything. god, it sounds like i consider these people real. whatever. it was still sweet. and i want to have a baby! not right now of course, but i can see myself being a parent in the future. i've though about it before, and i thought i couldn't do it because i hate kids. but i definitely could do it. i want a baby.
...
posted at 8:43 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "tomorrow" by avril lavigne
so, he did it. i'm so glad that roman polanski won the palme d'or at cannes. i was hoping either he would or david cronenberg would. thank god one of them won. of course if atom egoyan had been in open competition with ararat, he would have won easily. egoyan is amazing. but i love roman polanski too, so all it good.
...
posted at 6:18 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "wonderwall" by oasis
the greatest song of all time. enough said.
so i'm sitting here, wallowing in my sickness, attempting to download episodes of the osbournes. i wanna know what all the hype is about. anyway, i'm still ill. and it's fuckin' annoying. though the right side of my face doesn't hurt as much as it did before. which is a relief. i should go back to bed though. i woke up at three to the apparent sound of someone knocking on my door. i'm slowly going insane, i believe.
again, i have no idea what this means. i've only heard one avril lavigne song ("complicated") so this is a complete mystery to me. the little description is accurate though.
...
posted at 5:07 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, May 27, 2002
music right now : "modern crusaders" by enigma
yet again something else to pass time. since i'm too sick to do much else besides watch episodes of friends, i might as well.
Age: 18
Eye Color: hazel, and they're ugly
Hair Color: black
Height: 171 cm
Grade: U1 in university (or second year)
D.O.B: 30 july, 1983
Boyfriend: nope
Best Friend: vicky, ariel
Celeb Crush: hayden christensen, will young
School Crush: two guys in my terrestrial planets class that are really cute
Future Husband: no idea, though it would be nice if it was either of my celeb crushes :-)
Favorite Color: black, blue, and silver
Favorite Food: veggie lasagna
Favorite Drinks: vanilla soy milk, apple juice, pepsi, smirnoff ice, long island ice tea
Favorite Musical Artist: bjork, placebo, natalie imbruglia, rufus wainwright, kylie minogue
Favorite Song: lots of these - everything from "white lilies island" by natalie imbruglia, "poses" by rufus wainwright, "all is full of love" by bjork, "disintegration" by the cure, "haemoglobin" and "lil' mo" by placebo
Favorite School Activity: not sure
Favorite Thing To Do: chill with the people i like the most aka my friends
Favorite Screen Name: androgynyboi18
Favorite Website: bbc.co.uk
Favorite Actor: sir ian mckellen, jude law, kevin spacey, bruce greenwood
Favorite Actress: jennifer jason leigh, jodie foster, patricia arquette, sarah polley
Car: don't care. i hate cars.
Favorite School Subject: english lit.
Worst Fear: being alone
Pet Peeve: intolerance of any kind; close-minded people
Favorite Number: 6
Sign: leo
Restaurant: le commensal, soto
Favorite Outfit: gap jeans i cut up, black buffalo tank top, abercrombie bandana
Sleep In: flanel pants and a tank top
Sleep With: me, my bear my sister gave me (who is on my shelf because i don't want to get it infected too), someone special
Favorite Flower: bloodflower, purple rose
Girl Name: eilish, madison, sandrine
Boy Name: thatcher, ronan, etienne
What I Notice In The Opposite Sex: eyes
School: mcgill university (yeah redmen! god, i sound like a moron)
Hobbies: reading, writing, drawing, sleeping, dancing, listening to music
Your Quote: "only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and i'm not sure about the former." -albert einstein
Candy: starburst jelly beans, fuzzy peaches, jelly bellies
Radio Station: bbc radio one
Movie Quote: "carpe diem boys - seize the day!" -the dead poets society
Cartoon Character: margaret from "bob and margaret", eric from "stressed eric"
Three Things To Take On Island: music, food, someone special
...
posted at 8:01 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, May 26, 2002
music right now: "the wheat" by hans zimmer (from the gladiator sountrack)
so on my friend mikey's livejournal, he put on this list of things, and i thought it was cool, so, as a break from writing my bitch of a paper for american lit, here is my version:
TEN Movies I Can't Live Without:
1. the sweet hereafter
2. dancer in the dark
3. american beauty
4. boys don't cry
5. trainspotting
6. gladiator
7. the dead poets society
8. l.i.e.
9. contact
10. the last of the mohicans
NINE Albums That Are Important to Me:
1. natalie imbruglia - white lilies island
2. bjork - vespertine
3. sigur ros - agaetis byrjun
4. david grey - white ladder
5. placebo - black market music
6. hans zimmer - gladiator soundtrack
7. rufus wainwright - poses
8. mogwai - rock action
9. hans zimmer - beyond rangoon soundtrack
EIGHT "Bands/Artists" I Couldn't Live Without:
1. natalie imbruglia
2. bjork
3. placebo
4. hans zimmer
5. rufus wainwright
6. kylie minogue
7. madonna
8. sarah slean
SEVEN Things that Annoy Me:
1. being sick - especially when you have a paper to finish
2. my weight
3. poverty - specifically the fact that i'm always poor
4. homophobia, xenophobia, racism, sexism, age-ism, speciesism
5. people who rant about how vegetarianism is stupid
6. parents who control their children's lives
7. critics
SIX of My Favorite Songs at This Moment:
1. "now you are free" by hans zimmer (from the gladiator soundtrack)
2. "haemoglobin" by placebo
3. "joga" by bjork
4. "right infront of you" by celine dion
5. "better the devil you know" by kylie minogue
6. "save yourself" by sensefield
FIVE TV Shows I Watch Regularly:
1. will and grace
2. six feet under
3. queer as folk
4. at home with the braithwaites
5. bbc world news
FOUR of My All-Time-Favorite, Desert-Island Books:
1. "smilla's sense of snow" by peter hoeg
2. "less than zero" by bret easton ellis
3. "the outsider" by albert camus
4. "the laramie project" by moises kaufman (i know i know, it's a play, but whatever)
THREE Albums I've Bought Recently:
1. moby - 18
2. hans zimmer - the gladiator soundtrack
3. olive - extra virgin
TWO People That Have Influenced My Life the Most:
1. sir ian mckellen - an amazing role model who has done incredible things despite the adversity he has faced for being an out gay actor
2. matthew shepard, even though i never met him, his story gave me strength when i needed it
ONE Thing/Person I Could Spend the Rest of my Life With:
1. there is someone, i think, but i don't really want to name them right now
...
posted at 10:48 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "now you are free" by hans zimmer (from the gladiator soundtrack)
i just finished watching two of the best movies i've ever seen - gladiator, and the dead poets society. as you can sort of tell from my tone right now, i've been thinking a lot about myself. not about the future; god, i've done that way too much as of late. no, i've been thinking about the past; where i came from and how i got here. no matter how happy i may be sometimes, i still hold a lot of pain inside and i haven't been able to release it. i don't know why. i loved mark for so long. i spent four years of my life pining away over him, worshiping his every last breath. and sometimes i think that colours my relationships now. perhaps i mess things up because i found something that i never felt from him - reciprocation. he was the unrequited love of my life. and it tore me apart. i thought endlessly what it would be to be in his arms, to look into his eyes and see him look back at me in the way i peered at him. that never happened, obviously, or else i wouldn't be sitting here, reflecting on it. i was going through possibly (hopefully) the worst period in my life at the time. i wanted to kill myself for two years straight. every day i sat in class, thinking about it. looking in the mirror and despising what was looking back at me. i took every opportunity to hurt what was inside me. i cut myself, i starved myself, i emotionally beat myself until i was black and blue. and against every single prediction, i somehow managed to make it to today. my mother once told me that she didn't want my sister to grow up without an older brother to watch over her. she also said that suicide was the most selfish act in the world. but she never realised the sheer pain and torment i went through everyday. at christmas i went home, seeing my class for the first time since the last day of finals in june 2001. everybody knew that i'm gay; i was totally out. the feeling was exhilirating (sp?). and i returned to montreal thinking that i could have been out in high school. but the sad fact is that i never could have. i wouldn't be sitting here today if i had been out. i would be dead. not by the hand of someone else, but by my own.
music right now: "take me somewhere nice" by mogwai
i would not have been able to withstand the stigma that would have followed me. i know that i would have been treated so much more differently. at christmas people wouldn't even talk to me or even look at me. how can they treat another human being like that? all i do is love. it's the same thing they do, only i look into another guys eyes when i do it. what is so wrong with that?? but the real reason that i think about high school again is i find myself falling for another person who won't fall for me back. i see him and my heart trembles. i can't take being away from him. yet i can never be with him. and i find myself drawn back into hating myself. i've been throwing up. i do it to myself. i try to empty what i hate out of me, hoping that perhaps he can love me if i change myself for him. i wonder what is so wrong with myself that i'm not worth it. he told me that he's not worth it, that i should move on and find someone for me. but he is worth it. and he will never know that. i think sometimes that maybe it's just a way for him to tell me he's not interested. but that's not closure. i had that happen to me in the relationship before we met. and i wonder if i did something or if there is something physically or mentally wrong with me that makes him distant and not want to be with me. what is wrong with me? so i sit here, staring at the bottle of pills; the antidepressants i refuse to take, thinking how it would feel to open the cap and swallow them all. to kill the pain. don't cry for me, i'm already dead. but i cannot take that step. not now. i am somehow tethered to life by an invisible rope. i wish to cut it, to cut myself, but it doesn't happen. so i lay down in my bed, hoping that tomorrow will be better. goodnight world. i wonder if i will ever see you again.
...
posted at 5:22 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, May 24, 2002
music right now: "rapture (club mix)" by Iio
i was thinking today and last night about what i want to do with my life when suddenly it hit me like a bolt of lightening - i should become a drag queen. i could be the world's most famous drag queen and have adoring masses. i could put ru paul to shame. that would be so much fun!
...
posted at 11:27 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "go" by jenifer mclaren
"can you make a mistake and miss your fate?"
i just finished watching my favourite episode of sex and the city, i heart n y, and yet again it never fails to bring me to tears. ther's something about how big leaves new york and how carrie doesn't want him to go that always makes me think. but, the quote above has more to do with it. for some strange reason, i find myself inextricably drawn back to this concept of fate. do we really have total control over our lives? or is there an invisible hand per se that drives everything. since i don't believe in a god, one would assume that i think there is no such thing as fate. but, nonetheless i do believe in fate, without a god. it just helps sometimes to think that everything has a purpose and that we are all lead to something greater that will put our lives into scope. whether that's true love, success, martyrdom, whatever... it's all meant to be. and i take great comfort and great pain in this fact. i sit here, alone in the world, as we all are. we come into this existence by ourselves. there is no one there to push us on, to tell us to be born. we have to do it ourselves. and we seem to have to pick our own way through the trials that we face. yet there is an invisible map there to guide us to safety. we'll all come to some sort of destination as long as we trust that there is such a thing.
"maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. without them, what would shape our lives?"
i think, what mistakes have i made, and where are they leading me? was coming to montreal a mistake? has everything i've done here a mistake? i don't think so. not for one minute. when i talk to my mother she repeatedly says that it was a mistake that i came to montreal. well, fuck that. i've taken my road. she has no say in where i go and what i do. as i've said before, had i stayed in alberta, i would be dead right now. there was no way i could be there. christmas was enough to make me want to go insane. but montreal has helped me grow. i've met so many incredible people, done a lot of shit, messed my life over, but i don't care anymore. i'll get somewhere eventually, and as long as i've had fun along the way, then it was all worth it. so, with that, i raise my glass (the invisible one i hold in my hand) and say "here's to all our fuck ups in life. may they only make us that much more stupid in the eyes of our elders and that much more incredible in the eyes of our peers". i'll get somewhere, with or without my parents. i don't care anymore.
...
posted at 8:44 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "rainy days and mondays" by the carpenters
well, it's time to do something actually constructive. and this music has really killed my mood. hmm.... time to change it.
music right now: "california dreamin'" by the mamas and the papas
no idea why i chose this song. i guess i just wanted to hear it. anyway, i feel really weird right now. i kind of feel like lost. it's as if i was going somewhere, doing something, and now i have no idea what that was. i'm in the middle of nowhere without a road map. and i'm bored out of my mind to boot. so, i'm going out again tonight. nic isn't. which is a bit of a comfort. i don't really want to see him for a bit. everytime i see him i fall for him all over again. how can i let someone have such power over me? just one look in his eyes sends my heart flying back to him. fuck, he's not that great. i should just find someone who actually wants to be with me, instead of kidding myself and thinking that maybe just maybe he'd decide he wanted to be with me. it's not going to happen.
there's supposedly a party tomorrow that nic says i should go to, 'cuz it's close to me. i don't know if i'll know anyone there, so i doubt i'll go. unless josh is there. or maybe even celina. she's kewl. last night i met rhianna (sp?). apparently she'd heard a lot about me and wanted to meet me. but the first thing she said to me when we met was "you are so beautiful". i felt so good when she said that. she was a little drunk, so i have no idea if she meant it, but just hearing those words from someone really makes me feel like i'm actually worth something. i proceeded to spend the rest of the night feeling like a fuckin' whale. god, i have a ghetto booty. it's gross! but the one thing that weirded me out is that she wanted to meet me. it feels like i'm in some big story and my role is a lot bigger than i ever thought. and that's a weird feeling....
You're a sensualist, stimulated when all your senses are tingling. A soft stroke or a certain scent might be all you need to get geared up. You're artistic, impulsive and fun-loving, and require that same kind of play and spontaneity in your sex-life. You don't embark on any sexual escapades just to be able to say you did it. It needs to feel right to you for you to truely enjoy it. Your partners tend to be generous and sensitive in the sack.
yup, i loved angelina jolie's character in hackers. really, she was the only good part of the movie. she had incredible style. like the white nail polish and her clothes. damn. i wanna be her!
just as vicky said i am. i totally thought i would be miranda. she's my favourite. after all, carrie has had bad taste in men (ewwww.... i hate aiden). but then again, there was mr. big. carrie and big were so good together.
very stupid quiz... makes me want to download music by the carpenters. i have a craving to hear "rainy days and mondays" right now for some really strange reason.
speaking of which, i'm trying to get to toronto at the end of june to see her farewell concert. i love cher.... maybe it's time to listen to some cher :-)
yeah!! i love this movie. it's a classic that totally takes me back to my childhood. and rockbiter is cool. not at cool as as atreyu or artax, but still cool!
i have no idea what the hell this means. i've never seen "saved by the bell", so whatever...
...
posted at 6:03 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "let love lead the way" by the spice girls
i'm in my ten year old girl mood right now. i swear, i've been listening to aqua and spice girls for the past little while. is this bad? nope. i'm just a little hyper and strange right now. plus i'm bored out of my bloody mind, and in the mood to procrastinate.
...
posted at 5:59 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
You are Lestat. The Brat Prince of Vampires. You're great and you know it.
You're a hopeless romantic. You fall in love easily and quickly, and often have your heart broken. You like romantic movies, books, and you're always trying to think of some way to wow your honey. People call you sentimental or idealistic, and sometimes they even make some comment about they might vomit if they have to listen to go on and on any more. Phew. Some day, though, you will make someone very happy.
I draw my strength from those around me. In fact, I draw my looks and personality from them as well. I am a shapeshifter. I am mysterious. I am often misunderstood, as my true self is often overshadowed by a facade. I have a serious nature, and don't hesistate when it comes to revenge. Careful, I might just be that face you see in the mirror.
well, i finally saw "the fellowship of the ring". i have one thing to say: how the hell did it not win best picture? are those academy award voters out of their fucking minds? it was soooo incredible. i was really uneasy about seeing it at first. i read the trilogy in grade 7, so i wasn't too sure of how it would translate to the screen. but it was everything it should have been (except that they left out tom bombadil, which is a little sad). i cannot believe "a beautiful mind" beat it. mind you, i refuse to see "a beautiful mind" for various reasons (i despise ron howard and the homophobic writers cut out the parts about john nash's homosexuality and subsequent firing because of it), but the fellowship should have won. "in the bedroom" was amazing too, but just the massive scope and scale of this movie makes it all more worth while. and enya... my god enya! her voice is so incredible! how could that stupid randy newman win. damned academy. i know it's as rigged as ice dancing, but still, justice does prevail once and a while, right?!
...
posted at 4:12 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, May 23, 2002
music right now: "pop" by n*sync
i am so fuckin hyper right now. i feel like everything is so much better. i'm almost not sick anymore! and i'm getting out tonight, so i won't feel that my apartment is a cage anymore! yes!!!! i feel like bouncing off the walls. like i'm going to parking (big bloody deal, it's not that great), but i've barely seen outside since i've been sick. so, this kicks ass. and, i'm doing some experiment next week (i think) that will get me $150 bucks, so that's awesome! oh god, i must sound like a freak right now. but oh well. i feel good. and that's all that matters :-P
...
posted at 6:53 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, May 18, 2002
music right now: "androgyny: by garbage
this song describes me soooo perfectly.
so, here's a survey that i got from mikey's livejournal, and since i'm bored and i've been too much of a whore tonight (explanation shall follow), here it is.
1. Name: clint
2. Age: 18
3. Screwed someone of the opposite sex? no, and i don't think i ever could. guys are too hot.
4. Screwed someone of the same sex? but of course.
5. Positions: not going to say.
6. Had sex with just a friend: oh boy, yeah, i've done this. it's not good.
7. How old were you when you lost your Virginity: 17
8. Had sex without protection: once, and i will never ever do it again.
9. Smoked weed? of course. it's too good not to do.
10. If you could fuck any friend, who: not going to say. that would be really bad for that friendship.
11. Best sex partner: definitely aaron or nic.
12. Worst sex partner: the comedian from harrisburg. my first boyfriend. brett (fuck, wax your chest, don't shave. i can't take rug burn!)
13. Ever faked an orgasim: yeah right!
14. Ever been forced into sex: once. that was the worst experience ever. it really scarred me for life.
15. Want to sleep with an older adult: jude law!!!!
16. Ever had sex in public: kind of. if dancing like i do at sky is considered sex, then of course.
17. Used someone? no, i've been used, but never used someone.
18. Paid someone for sex? never.
19. Been paid for sex? never.
20. Played strip poker? not yet :-P
21. Had sex more than once in a session: um, ya, who hasn't?
22. Skipped school to get high/drunk? yup
23. Skipped school to fuck: no
24. Weirdest place you've had sex: common room of my old rez
25. Flashed someone? nope
26. Sucked Toes: nope (not a fan of feet)
27. Gave a full body massage: no, i usually get them (hence, i'm the bitch of the relationship)
28. Sexual pet peeve: when the person farts during sex, or insists on me swallowing (fuck, that's sick. i'm sorry, but i spit)
29. Whips and Chains: neither. too rough.
30. Handcuff: sounds interesting :-)
31. Lube: necessity (only if it's the right person, though)
32. Had sexual fantasies? um, yeah
33. Had gay/lesbian fantasies? okay, this is a really stupid question. god, do i have to scream at the top of my lungs "i'm a fag! and i'm proud of it!"
34. Ever had sex with someone on their rag/or had your rag: what the hell does this mean?? it this a strange american thing?
35. Ever said someone else's name: no
36. Stolen drugs from family? oh, once.
37. Stolen booze from family? no
38. Had sex with random objects: um.... no
39. Watched a porn during sex: no. it would be a little hard to do, considering i don't have a tv
40. Been called a whore? like twenty minutes ago. and it's true (tonight at least)
41. Been called a bitch? all the time (not in a bad way though)
42. Watched porn? yep
43. Taped porn? no
44. Watched porn you taped? no
45. Kissed someone in a moving vehicle? no
46. Screwed someone in a moving vehicle? nope
47. Used sex 'toys'? no
48. Tried to kill yourself? yes. i don't want to talk about this though. it's really painful..
49. Tried to kill someone else? once. i was a fucked up little kid.
50. Told someone you hated them? yeah
51. Told someone you loved them and didn't mean it? no, i don't do that. i've had that happen to me, and it feels like shit.
so, why am i a whore? i started making out with this guy at sky, and then he moved off for a second, and this other guy came up and said something in french. i could barely hear him, so i said "en anglais, s'il vous plait". he then said, "that's my boyfriend, but it's okay". i was like "what the fuck?!". so me and nick left. but i also found out something. other nic was like molested last night. i feel horrible. i just wanted to cry when i heard that. he's worth so much more than that, and he doesn't feel that way about himself. whenever i see his face it cheers me up. so, when i heard that, i wanted to cry. god, why does this happen to people? he does not deserve that....
...
posted at 3:26 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, May 17, 2002
music right now: "home and dry" by the pet shop boys
such a good song... i rant too much about music. but seriously, this is THE single of 2002 so far. i love pet shop boys.
so, how am i now? i'm okay. i'm getting better. i shouldn't take things so seriously. fuck, i overreact.
...
posted at 9:53 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "fade into you" by mazzy star
i can't deal anymore. i saw nic at parking tonight, and i just wanted to cry. he came up to me and was like "don't, i'm bad for you. i'm just a slut. i'm not worth it". i felt like breaking down right there. i managed to hold it together for the rest of the night, but i don't know how much longer i can take this. the thing is he is worth it. why the fuck would i like him if he wasn't? god, why do i have to go through this every time. i just feel like falling asleep and never waking up.. yeah, that'd help...
...
posted at 4:12 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, May 16, 2002
music right now: "one of these mornings" by moby
i'm going out again. i'm not quite sure why i keep doing this. it's like a cut that you keep picking at. it's going to hurt you, but you do it anyway. i come out of clubs feeling so much worse about myself, not better. oh well, such is life, right?
...
posted at 11:53 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, May 15, 2002
music right now: "puddle of grace" by amy jo-johnson
i feel so dejected right now. why is it that people have to attack me for being myself. like i don't go out of my way to put out this picture of someone i'm not. what you see is basically what you get. and with that i thought that people would accept me for who i am and not make an issue over things. but, alas, this didn't happen. i walk into criticism from nick everyday. from what i wear to what i look like. i just don't get it. i accept him and respect him for who he is. so, why is it that he cannot return the favour? maybe i'm just taking things way too much to heart. but it just hurts to be stung with so many poisonous arrows. this wasn't supposed to happen here. it's not nearly as bad as in alberta, but i just can't help but think will i ever be fully accepted anywhere?
of course i won't. i should learn to live with this. it's totally benign in nature, and i'm blowing it out of proportion. in the end, people still look at me as a human being. if nick didn't like me, why would he have told me about this apartment? why would he constantly come over and chill? it makes no sense.
as you can tell, i'm having a conflicting conversation between two parts of myself. it's not abnormal. i just try to divide issues up so i can look at them rationally with two parts of my psyche.
...
posted at 11:10 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 18 by moby
this album is absolutely amazing. it basically takes the best parts of play and puts them all into one album. like the gospel parts from natural blues and why does my heart feel so bad? are expanded upon. the best songs so far are definitely one of these mornings, in my heart, and in this world. i love it so much. and i love the title of we are all made of stars. 'cos, when you think about it we really are made of stars. we have stardust within us, and it's really cool to think that all those little lights in the sky are also contained within our bodies. the particles flowing through our veins are the same particles that came from a thousand stars going nova, civilisations rising and falling, galaxies collapsing in a ball of fire. as you can tell, i just got out of terrestrial planets. oh, i love this song too... harbour. sinead o'connor does the vocals, and it's so not like most of her stuff. it's too chill. but it's a nice change from her usual music. though i do love everything she's done. nothing compares 2 u.... fire on babylon... no man's woman.... amazing.
...
posted at 1:19 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, May 14, 2002
music right now: "home and dry" by the pet shop boys
i have no idea what the hell i'm doing anymore. fuck, i don't even want to be in school right now. i cannot take the stress. i need a year off. but that won't happen. and i don't want to be doing what i'm doing. i want to be in fashion design. i swear, i must seem like a fuckin' nutcase to people right now. i've really decided this time that i want to be a fashion designer. but i can't decide where i want to be. all i know is i don't want to be in montreal right now. i need some sort of release, and i can't get it here.
i talked to my father. i can't do it anymore. i asked for money for shoes (which i really need). he basically gave me the "wait til the end of the month" bullshit line that i always get. what the hell did i ever do to him? i don't get it. he treats my brother like he's the king of the world and me like i'm second class. i've always been the big mistake in his eyes. i know he has the money to give me (or hell loan me it - i don't care either way). he's taking my brother to australia and coming to montreal for a week. so, why do i always get the short end of the stick. i felt like shit when i got off the phone with him. so, i can't do it anymore. i'm not talking to him again. he has devalued me for the last time.
...
posted at 1:07 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, May 13, 2002
music right now: "god is a dj" by faithless
so, i have this huge 12 page paper due in american lit iii next friday (not this week, but the following). what am i doing it on? well, i didn't particularly like the topics, so i talked to the prof. and i have my own - i'm going to compare and contrast the images of mental illness and suicide within the poems of anne sexton and sylvia plath. it's really creepy to compare the two, cuz anne sexton wrote a poem about sylvia plath's suicide. and in the little essay about anne sexton, the editor talks about how she "followed syliva plath to her ultimate fate" or something along those lines. but i guess i feel that it's an interesting subject, and one not exactly foreign to me, so i hope i can come up with something that is at least a little bit interesting.
...
posted at 5:22 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
hmmm... it's nice to know that i'm not that slutty. but apparently 17 849 women agree that it would be nice to have sex with jude law (he's like THE most gorgeous man on earth).
...
posted at 4:00 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, May 12, 2002
music right now: "say hello wave goodbye" by david gray
i had the worst dream last night. i dreamt that one day (i think it was a saturday) madonna died, then the next day kylie minogue died. it was devastating to me in the dream. now, i don't know them or anything, but they are such massive influences in my life that if anything like that happened, it would be really bad. like when princess diana died. i cried for a while. i went through like a period of mourning. i didn't even know her, yet i still mourned for her as did a lot of the world. she was such an icon. she was like a mother to so many people, so when she died it felt like my heart had been ripped out.
so, now here i am sitting at my computer, feeling like utter shit. vicky and peter broke up. permanently. i've been rejected yet again. and it just seems like today is the worst day in the world. i can't take any more of this shit. life isn't supposed to hurt this much, is it? last night at sky they started playing "underneath your clothes" on the third floor. i had to leave because it made me cry. i cry too much sometimes. i worry too much all the time. yeah....
...
posted at 5:48 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, May 11, 2002
music right now: "ode to my family" by the cranberries
i can't believe i missed seeing them last night. i absolutely adore the cranberries so much. they're incredible. dolores o'riorden's voice is so amazing. this song always gets to me for some reason. its' so good.
anyway, last night was okay, i guess. sky is getting to me. everything is getting to me. i'm glad that i didn't fall for nic. cuz it's never going to happen. that's the worst part of life. realising that someone doesn't think of you in the same way. i do that all too often. i get really into someone then find out that they just want to be friends. the worst phrase in the english language. i miss waking up in the morning and thinking that there's someone in my life that i truly want to be with and can be with. it just doesn't seem to want to happen for me. so, as i sat crying on the phone with vicky, i guess i've come to the conclusion that maybe i don't deserve it. or maybe i do. maybe i'm ignoring what's right in front of me. i'm not sure. who is right in front of me that i could possibly be interested in? nick? no. he's so sweet and i love living across from him, but it just wouldn't happen. it's better being friends with him... i need to think about this more.
music right now: "i'll stand by you" by the pretenders
this is such a sad song.
so, something vicky said to me really got to me. she was like "clinton, you are way too wishy washy. like you go back and forth from one thing to another and you never really settle on something. like with school. you've changed your major like so many times and now you want to change school and....". but, i really do think that i've decided. i'm indecisive. of course i am. but, i want to go to fashion school. when i was cutting up my british flag tank top last night and altering it, i really felt like i wanted to do that. i want to be a fashion designer. i write. yes. that's a fact of my life that won't go away. but, i can't see myself sharing any of my work with the world in terms of writing. i've decided. i have a direction. how i will get there is totally up in the air, but at least i have a destination in mind, rather than flying by the seat of my pants like i usually do. well, i'm off to go for a walk with nick. -ciao
...
posted at 6:54 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, May 10, 2002
music right now: "get up!" by beverley knight
this song is so much fun. too bad north america hasn't heard of beverley knight. she's a talent to be reckoned with.
oh, i took a test. these are my results:
what i expected. i guess i'm campy. but nic keeps saying that campy is meant in an artificial way, so i don't know if i like that definition in terms of myself.
oh, and the big news today: the gay teenager in ontario (marc hall) won the right to take his boyfriend to the prom. i'm so happy for him. it's a message to the church that you can't beat us into a corner anymore.
...
posted at 3:51 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, May 09, 2002
music right now: "sexy boy" by kia ft. the kinky boyz
the last few days have been some of the best i've had in forever. me and nic have done so much together. if i'm not careful i could easily see myself falling for him :-). but that doesn't mean i'm going to stop myself from doing just that. it means that i have to protect myself from being hurt. so, i'm not going into this blindly, nor naively, like past relationships.
and for some reason i feel liberated right now. i'm at my most open and honest. i could care less what people think about me anymore. that has come from the fact that i can't wear guys clothes because they don't fit. it seems i'm too small. so, i've tried on womens clothes, and they're perfect (i'm like a size 3 to 4 in pants and small in shirts). i've found some of the cutest things in these past two days. i love clothes. which is why i'm going to follow my heart and become a fashion designer. i want to do it. i've thought about it for like a year now. i've mulled over it, constantly wondering if it would be good for me. i'll always have my writing, but it's more of a personal outlet, not a career. fashion on the otherhand is amazing. i would love to walk down the street and see people wearing my clothes. that would be such a validation. so, that's what i'm going to do. well off i go. -ciao
...
posted at 10:11 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, May 07, 2002
music right now: sad/angsty icelandic music aka sigur ros
i have come to realise over the past while that i really misjudge people when i first meet them. i guess it comes from what happened to me in grade 7 and 8. i was totally stripped of any sort of trust i had in people. the people i saw as my friends reduced me to little more that a person inside a shell. i couldn't really trust anyone for the longest time. and those scars are still there and it hurts. i've gotten rid of most of them. but there's still an inherent lack of ability to be able to see people for what they really are. and a paranoia that makes me wonder why people are nice to me. but, i guess i've been shown that not all people are like that. i have to let go of the past. things change. people change. i'm not that naive little boy i was back in grade 8. i'm out. i'm proud. i'm who i am. and i guess i've sort of gained a new perspective on what people are. take nick (from across the hall). like when i first met him, i thought he was sort of mean and abrasive. he seemed sort of an ass. but i guess i've gotten to know him and there is so much more to him. like i still don't know him all that well, but i can see the person lying underneath, and he's cool. i like him. it's a strange feeling. i've actually been able to see people as they really are. i'm letting go i think. i've gotten over all the pain and psychological mind-fucks people did to me back in junior high.
i think i'm "coming of age" in a sense. i actually see myself coming into a solid form rather than the semi-shaped lump of clay i was for the longest time. this is such a cliché but they're built out of life after all. i'm kind of at the point of saying "take me as i am, or don't take me at all." i don't need to bend for people. and i'm stronger for it. i think. of course i still have my little character traits that are not necessarily self-appreciative (like my nasty habit of despising what i look like in the mirror), but at least i can take being in my own skin, my own soul moving about inside me. i don't want to cut it out of me anymore. i don't want to destroy myself.
...
posted at 1:39 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, May 06, 2002
music right now: "my weakness" by moby
i always envisioned this song in a really sad movie because it fits so perfectly. i love it.
anyway, my friend nick who lives across the hall from me said something to me today that made me think. he was like "why do you have to be so flamey. you're just playing into the whole gay stereotype, and straight guys don't feel comfortable around that." well, i thought what if he is right? he's not though. i'm not conforming to any stereotype, i'm just being myself. its' taken years for me to get to the point where i'm comfortable in my own skin and can walk around being who i am on a daily basis. i moved 2500 km across the continent to have that ability. i am me... nothing more nothing less. that sort of brings me back to something my mum said before i went home for christmas that made me almost want to cry. she was like "you're going to have to tone yourself down. you can't flaunt yourself." i was so mad that she said that. i know she fears for me, but she was just showing her own homophobia in the process. i would rather be beaten and murdered for being who i am rather than to die knowing that i was never true to myself. so when i walk down the street tomorrow to class, headphones playing kylie minogue or spice girls, dancing some of the way, i will know that i am being myself, and it's the best feeling ever.
...
posted at 9:35 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "sunlight" by natalie imbrulia
i'm so tired right now. i went and applied at le chateau in les galleries de la cathedrale today. i hope they call me. it would be fun to work there. plus i got this big application from the gap in eaton centre, so i have to fill it out (en français s'il vous plaît!). oui oui. fuck i really have to speak french more often. it's not a difficult language for me, i just need to know more vocabulary. but i think working this summer will give me an opportunity à practiquer mon français as they say in france and québec. but, the good thing is i can kind of do a québecois accent when i speak french, so it's better than sounding like a moron when speaking.
what else.... well, i saw spider-man last night with nick (from the west island). very cool movie. ending was sad. i cried a few times in it. overall i would see it again. but the thing that i'm not sure of is whether nick is interested in me at all in like the "we should go out sometime" sense or the "let's whore it up at sky" sense. it's early of course. but i really like him. he has an off-beat sense of humour, but a certain sweetness to him that would make me more than happy to go out with him. but who knows... life works in very fucked up ways. speaking of which, i feel so strange that most of my friends are gone. like i have barely heard anything from mike. that's depressing considering how close we were growing. and i've heard from ariel once. oh well, it's only been a week. i need to go shopping. it's like therapy for me. i need new pants so bad. and new shoes. i want to get diesel runners. after all, they're the same price as most other shoes (which is amazing for diesel), plus they are my style. i would love to get dkny shoes, but they're too expensive. i remember this amazing pair at aqua in west edmonton mall. they were open where the tongue of the shoe usually goes and were ever so cool. i really wanted them. but i never got a chance. damn.
...
posted at 6:04 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, May 05, 2002
since i'm bored and can't sleep, i've decided to sit here and do a survey while drinking orange juice from a wine glass. enjoy reading!
01. I hurt: when i feel ignored or insignificant
02. I love: a lot of people
04. I cry: whenever i watch er
05. I fear: never finding that one person
06. I hope: that i can make it through life without regretting most of it
07. I sadden: when i realise that i'm so lonely right now.
08. I feel alone: now. but july will be hell if i don't get to know more people.
09. I kill: nothing (at least i try not too)
10. I talk: when i know people. i'm shy at first, but once you get to know me a little bit, i don't shut up.
11. I listen: to what people have to say.
12. I break: ....
13. I see: my computer screen
14. I smell: nothing. sometimes i think i'm becoming anosmic.
15. I taste: orange juice :-) (w/o vodka, which is somewhat rare for me lately)
16. I work: in the near future hopefullyy
17. I remember: last night, which is really good
18. I hold: nothing
19. I hide: nothing really
20. I pray: never - atheist. sorry.
21. I walk: everywhere. who needs a car when you have the metro?
22. I drive: never. i hate cars
23. I read: anything i can get my hands on. "the laramie project" right now, though.
24. I burn: my candles on my living room table
25. I breathe: air, of course
26. I play: ed scrabble with vicky and peter last wednesday at 1.00 in the morning.
27. I miss: a lot of people - vicky, mike, ariel, sam, the list could go on for a while
28. I touch: ......
29. I learn: that "one step too far" by faithless ft. dido is a really amazing song
30. I feel: tired and a little sick
31. I know: that i have to get back to sleep
32. I said: a little bit
33. I dream: of absolutely messed up things.
34. I have: a stomach ache and a little bit of a headache
35. I want: to go dancing and go to toronto to see cher's farewell concert
36. I fall: all over the place. i'm the biggest klutz ever
37. I wait: ... i'm impatient, yet too patient at the same time.
38. I need: to sleep
39. I live: in my own apartment in montreal
40. I die: .... on 22 december, 2045 of cancer according to the death test on thespark.com
other stuff
01. name: clinton
02. d.o.b.: 30/07/1983
03. location: montreal, qc
04. religion: atheist
05. occupation: student
right now
01. wearing: a tank top, sandals, and my pyjama pants
02. listening to: faithless... no wait, olivia newton john (xanadu)
03. thinking of: how much fun i had last night
04. feeling: strange. comme ci comme ça
last thing you...
01. bought: a few things at dollarama (a clock, dish towels, a wine glass, dish soap...)
02. did: changed the song
03. ate & drank: cheese and orange juice
04. read: a bit of the laramie project
05. watched on tv: the rosie o'donnell show on friday
either / or
01. club or houseparty: club
02. tea or coffee: tea
03. high achiever or easy-going: easy-going. i'm way too complacent to actually try to get amazing grades
04. beer or cider: apple cider
05. drinks or shots: depends.
07. single or taken: single, but not for long i hope
08. pen or pencil: pencil
09. gloves or mittens: gloves
10. food or candy: no thanks
11. cassette or cd: cd of course
12. snuff or cigarettes: ewwww!
13. coke or pepsi: pepsi
14. hard or mild alcohol: hard alcohol. just look at the bottle of smirnoff vodka on my counter
15. matches or a lighter: matches
16. sunset beach or the bold and the beautiful: neither.. passions (which i miss!)
17. rickie lake or oprah winfrey: oprah is a goddess
who do you want to...
01. kill: no one
02. shag: hmmm.... a few people.
03. slap: i slapped nick last night (not hard). he kept calling me a whore, so i slapped him. he feigned shock, so i kissed his cheek
04. hear from: the guy i met last night, nick (other nick, not the one i slapped)
05. get really wasted with: all my friends who aren't here
06. tickle: not sure
07. look like: a hot aussie surfer with blue eyes and blonde hair
08. be like: atom egoyan
favorite...
01. food: anything veggie
02. drink: non-alcoholic - vanilla soya milk, pineapple juice; alcoholic - smirnoff ice (queer beer), long island ice tea
03. color: black, blue and silver
04. album: "white lillies island" by natalie imbruglia, "black market music" by placebo
05. shoes: none right now. i like my blue fila shoes from new zealand, but i need a new pair, i want diesel shoes (i LOVE diesel so much).
06. site: 365gay.com, dotmusic.co.uk, canoe.ca
07. dance: any of the choreography from kylie's music videos
08. song: right now... "desenchantée" by mylène farmer
09. vegetable: broccoli
10. fruit: pineapple, kiwi
...
posted at 11:00 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "desenchantée" by mylène farmer
i finally found the song! it's so good. i'm going to annoy the hell out of nick with it. anyway, i'm sitting up and it's 9.41. what the hell? i should be sleeping. but thank god i found this song. it's amazing.
...
posted at 9:41 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: this french dance song that keeps on repeating itself in my head. i love it, but i don't know what it's called. it's like main chorus says "desenchantée". i want to know what it is. next time i hear it at sky i'm finding out.
so, i went out for the third night in a row. did i have fun tonight? yes, i did. i don't feel horribly unattractive anymore. i met a tonne of people, and i made out with the cutest guy ever. plus i got his number. i feel soooooooo good. so, i better finish downloading this song (a dance remake of "heaven" by bryan adams), and get some sleep. i have to pound the pavement today, and something tells me that i'll be at sky again - hopefully making out with nick again (the cute guy i was making out with, not the nick who lives across the hall from me). - auf wiedersehen
...
posted at 4:06 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, May 04, 2002
music right now: "smoke" by natalie imbruglia
words cannot express how much i love natalie imbruglia. her voice is so incredible. i'm not the biggest fan of her first cd, left of the middle, but white lillies island is simply the most amazing thing i've ever heard. listen to it and you'll understand what i mean.
so, i finally got a copy of the play the laramie project. i've been hunting all over for it. i'm going to read it before i see the movie, which comes out on dvd the 25 june. i don't have a dvd player, but i'm going to buy it anyway. i have two other books that i've been searching for that i can't find at chapters, indigo, or l'androgyne (gay bookstore in the village). wit by margaret edson, and losing matt shepard by beth loffreda. i want to read them soooo much, but i can't find them. i almost bought elegy for iris (by john bayley) yesterday. i'll probably get it some other time. i really want to read it before i see iris (it starts in a few weeks at cinema du parc), so i guess i have some time. and l.i.e. starts this coming friday. i'm so excited. i've wanted to see it forever. speaking of which, i have a list of movies i really want to see which i haven't had a chance - wonderland, dark days, and ararat (which isn't out until october, but i want to see it nonetheless - atom egoyan is like my hero). anyway, off to do something productive. -ciao
...
posted at 6:34 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "tonight and the rest of my life" by nina gordon
i remember first hearing this song in the trailer for captain corelli's mandolin, which i wanted to see really bad, and still haven't. i'm a total sucker for any romantic movie. i guess that's because i really want romance in my life. like last night i did something with someone that i definitely should not have. i don't want to be with him, and i hope he doesn't assume that we are together, because we aren't. and the bad thing is that i met this guy i really really like. we talked for a while and he's so cute. i like him a lot. but i don't have a chance. oh well... life sucks.
...
posted at 12:18 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, May 03, 2002
music right now: "go" by jenifer mclaren
well, i am exhausted right now. how come life takes so much energy to live sometimes? i've barely done anything today and i'm ready to sleep. i missed my class today. shit. that sucks. but oh well. life goes on. i'm ahead in the reading for that class, so i'm not too worried. i have no idea what to do right now. i don't even have my old friend tv to find solace in. which can be a good thing too. nevertheless, i might as well do something that doesn't remind me that i'm lonely and depressed. so, i guess eating candy and listening to sarah mclachlan wouldn't necessarily fall into that category.
...
posted at 5:10 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, May 02, 2002
music right now: "bizarre love triangle" by new order
i fuckin' hate talking to parents. i feel like shit whenever i talk to my mother. like, she's always "get a job, get a job" as if i don't try. i've applied places. god, i can't take it anymore!! and she told me "i think it was a bad idea you going to mcgill". little does she know that if i stayed in alberta any longer than i did i would have been in a body bag. i would have killed myself. and she doesn't realise how painful alberta is for me. i'm never going back. she doesn't get that. and she just merely tries to turn the situation into one where she blames me for everything. well, i'm done talking. i'm not calling her anymore. she can fuck off for a while. i need space.
my selection of music right now is an attempt to make me happy. i just cried through er. i don't care if they are fictional characters. for some reason we become attached to them; they become part of our life, our family, our experience. and when something happens to one of them, it hurts. not like if it had been a real person, but i still feel for them. and i mourn his (dr. green) death in my own little way. it was so sad....
anyway, kylie is on right now. get happy dammit! i miss so many people right now. it's so weird to be all alone. like i was alone last summer for most of it, but i didn't have many people that i cared deeply for that i left behind (there are exception - gordon for one. i have known him for what seems like forever). but now that i'm in montreal by what seems like myself, i feel totally lost. i need to meet people. that's what parking is for. i'm going out tonight. i don't care. i'm going to whore it up good and fuck the world. if i go down, i'm going down with a bang, not a whimper. i'll burn through the heavens and i'll fuckin' live forever. writings from the edge? you better believe it.
...
posted at 11:06 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "crash and burn" by savage garden
well, i'm in my new place for the summer. i like it. it needs a bit of cleaning, but it's cozy and i'm glad i have someplace to live. well, i've gone through two days of summer classes. for no reason today i was really pissed off at a few people in my american lit class. they just annoyed the hell out of me. i think it's just because i was moody and tired. so, what now? i don't know. i'm bored out of my mind. montreal is so lonely right now. even though there are people here, i still feel alone. like vicky is going to ottawa to see ariel this weekend, peter is at home in ontario, and nick has family coming, so i'm going to be super-bored. i really want to go out tonight, but i have class at 9.00 tomorrow morning. and i can't miss it. maybe i'll take a nap and go out anyway. i need to have some fun. the last few days have been super busy. i saw an amazing movie last night though - "y tu mama tambien". it was sooooooo good. it's tied for best movie i've seen this year so far with "kissing jessica stein", and "panic room" coming in a close second. well, i think i'm going to have a shower. i feel dirty (maybe because i've been all over the place today). -ciao
Reading: The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism
Naomi Klein God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
Christopher Hitchens Copenhagen
Time Out City Guides
Seeing: Juno
Jason Reitman Annie Hall
Woody Allen There Will Be Blood
Paul Thomas Anderson
Listening to: Boxer
The National The Fountain: OST
Clint Mansell In Rainbows
Radiohead
