wow, not how i would describe myself, but wow nonetheless.
ha ha ha! this is too funny. i'm ricky martin... oh god, he's gayer than christmas, so i guess that its better than other male stars i could have gotten.
lol this is funny too. but she is soooo 1999!!!!!
i am way more optimistic than i used to be, but i still worry too much :-(
...
posted at 4:15 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "beauty on the fire" by natalie imbruglia
i feel like crap right now and its probably all of my own making. i haven't heard from nick, and i'm exhausted and i refuse to sleep and its just not a good situation right now. on the plus side i signed up for phone service at my new apartment starting 1 august. yay! but anyway, back to what i was originally blathering on about (as i tend to do at these oh so important existentialist teenage angsty type four o'clock in the morning epiphanies i'm prone to). so, since i haven't heard from him it of course has got my mind rolling as it typically does, and i'm sitting here wondering if its maybe something i did or whether i've fucked up another good relationship and he doesn't want to call. of course the logical thing would be for me to think that he wasn't coming home yesterday (saturday), but that he is coming home today, which would make sense. but i was under the impression that he would be home yesterday from a short conversation we had on friday, but alas, i'm probably wrong as always. anyway, i'm totally making more out of this than i should be. i do that. the thing is i'm totally taking past experiences with similar situations and applying them now, which i shouldn't. i mentioned it before, but i went to boston for a few days during easter when i was going out with mike, and everything had changed when i got back. i didn't feel any different about him, but he felt different about me. so, i'm stuck hoping that its not happening all over again. i don't think i could deal with it, to tell you the truth. i'm not one to have the greatest of coping skills, and this isn't something i'm prepared to face again. the not knowing is what is killing me, and i think i should just shut up and go to bed before i make myself any more worried or sick or make myself cry.
...
posted at 3:53 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "miracle" by olive
in the book the unbearable lightness of being by milan kundera, i read this part about how the greatest thing in life is anticipation. how the most enjoyment comes from waiting for that one thing to happen, how that building energy within us is the true excitement. i hate that notion. i believe the best things are when they occur, not in the stages before they occur. like right now i am hoping to hear from nick, though that looks doubtful tonight, though i just want to hear his voice, even for only a minute, but this isn't the best part. the best part will be when i hear him. i want to know that he made it back okay. thats all. and when that happens, i will feel better. right now i feel uneasy and nervous/anxious. i keep hoping that he'd pull some random romantic gesture, like showing up unannounced. i would freak if that happened. but it won't. earlier vanessa brought back my jug. when i heard that knock, i nearly jumped out of my skin. alas, it wasn't nick. i remember back when mike and i were going out. i planned on surprising him when i got back from boston by showing up at his "social problems" class just to see him. i didn't because i was too exhausted. when we broke up i wondered had i shown up, would that have changed the way things played out later...
i guess right now i'm afraid of what is going to happen between nick and i when we see each other again. they say that time and space makes people drift apart. i hope that isn't the case. i want to be with him now more than ever. the past week has really thrown me about in many ways. i was talking with my friend ian when he told me that he thinks that he is going to be with his boyfriend ian (they have the same name, which is cute) forever. i really hope they do stay together. they're so meant for each other. but there was another thing that got to me. he was like, "i could have cheated on him so many times but i didn't. he's the only one i want to be with." and that's how i feel about nick. i so could have made out with so many guys last night. i could have cheated so easily and hoped that nick wouldn't have found out, but i didn't because he is the one that i want, not some random guy in a club. just thinking of the way he smiles at me makes me feel so incredible that it eclispes anything that any other guy could offer me. so, i guess i shall go back to my anticipation, knowing that this isn't the best part, but that what will come will be so much better. take that milan kundera :-P
...
posted at 12:35 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "face in the crowd" by kosheen
i found another survey on someones livejournal, and because i'm super anxious to hear from nick, i've decided to do another survey because i need to get my mind off of waiting to hear from him.
[ *general* ]
Name: clinton
Do you like it?: nope
Nicknames: clint, muffin, big c, campy, etc..
Screen names: placeboi, androgynyboi18, more_more_more, spinning around
Age: 18
Birthday: 30 july, 1983
Sign: leo
Location: montreal, quebec
School: mcgill university
Status: in a relationship
Crush: my boyfriend :-)
Virgin?: no
Natural hair color: black
Current hair color: black with a bit of red in it (from the sun)
Eye color: hazel
Height: 171 cm
Birthplace: edmonton, alberta
Shoe size: 10
[ *family* ]
Parents: fran
Siblings: cindy (26?), simone (24?), murray (17), steffanie (8)
Live with: myself and my stuffed bear
Favorite relative you live with: besides me, my stuffed bear
Favorite relative you don't live with: my cousin shannon
[ *momentary one favorite* ]
Number: 6
Color: blue/beige (colours of my new shoes!)
Day: thursday
Month: july
Song: "you can be replaced" by dot allison
Movie: the sweet hereafter
Food: ugh, nothing
Band: placebo
Group: kosheen
Singer: kylie minogue
Season: spring/autumn
Sport to watch: tennis
Class: english
Teacher: either mrs. jensen-hengstler (grade 11 social studies) or prof. de aguayo (environment and culture)
Drink: cosmopolitan (and i could sure use one about now)
Veggie: broccoli
TV Show: will and grace/queer as folk
Radio Station: 96,9 ckoi
Store: le chateau
Word: contemptuous
Animal: giraffe
Flower: bloodflower
State: massachusetts
[ *this or that* ]
Me/You: you
Coke/Pepsi: pepsi
Day/Night: night
AOL/AIM: aim
CD/Cassette: cd
DVD/VHS: dvd
Jeans/Khakis: jeans
Car/Truck: neither
Tall/Short: tall
Lunch/Dinner: neither
*NSYNC/BSB: *nsync
Gap/Old Navy: gap
Lipstick/Lipgloss: lipgloss
Silver/Gold: silver
Alcohol/Weed: both are fun
[ *love and relationships* ]
Do you have a bf/gf or crush?: boyfriend
What is their name?: nick
How long have you liked him/her?: since i first laid eyes on him
What are the top three reasons you like this person?: his smile when he looks at me and into my eyes, the feeling i get when i'm with him, the fact that i always have fun when i'm with him no matter what we are doing
If you're single, why are you single?: n/a
How long was your longest relationship?: two months
How long was your shortest relationship?: a week or two
Who was your first crush?: hmmm... jared. grade 3 or 4. first real crush would be mark lomas in grade 7
What do you miss about them?: not much.
[ *the past* ]
What is the one thing you would change about your past: i would be who i am right now back in grade 9. i could have handled being out in high school so easily if i was the same person i am right now back then
Biggest mistake you've made in your life?: to let what other people think of me run my life
Last thing you heard: kosheen
Last thing you saw: this blog
Last thing you said: "bye" (to peter when he called)
Who is the last person you saw?: vanessa
Who is the last person you kissed?: vicky (on the cheek)
Who is the last person you hugged?: again, vicky
Who is the last person you fought with?: hmmm.. no idea
Who is the last person you were on the phone with?: peter
What is the last TV show you saw?: will and grace
What is the last song you heard?: "let go" by kosheen
[ *the present* ]
What are you wearing?: baby blue tank top, le chateau jeans, gap boxers
What are you doing?: this survey
Who are you talking to?: no one
What song are you listening to?: "gone" by kosheen
Where are you?: at home
Who are you with?: no one :-(
Are you online?: uh huh
How are you feeling?: tired, anxious, a little hyper, bored
Are you in a chatroom?: no
[ *future* ]
What day is it tomorrow?: sunday
What are you going to do after this?: watch a movie perhaps
Where are you going to go?: stay here
What one person are you going to talk to tomorrow?: nick
How old will you be when you graduate?: i was 17 for high school grad, i will be 21 when i graduate university
What do you wanna be?: writer/fashion designer
What is one of your dreams?: to sail around the south pacific and lay on a beach and watch the sun set with whomever i'm in a relationship with at the time
Where will you be in 25 years?: somewhere far from here, married to an amazing man, with a few kids and a great job hopefully
[ *other* ]
Do you write in cursive or print?: print
Are you a lefty or a righty?: right
What is your sexual preference?: gay, though i object to the word preference. orientation is a more apt word.
What piercings do you have?: four. one in my left ear, and three in my right
Do you drive?: no. hate it.
Do you have glasses or braces?: neither
Did you like this survey?: something to do
...
posted at 12:19 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, June 29, 2002
music right now: "i'm alive" by celine dion
another survey. so sue me. again, i snatched this one from mikey's livejournal.
*FAVOURITES*
1.Pastimes: too many to name. reading, writing, acting like a slut at unity and sky, whoring it up, dancing around in my sequin cowboy hat to kylie, etc...
2.Lines from a song: right now... "it's raining men, allelujah, it's raining me, amen!" - "it's raining men" by the weather girls. normally, its "one day we'll find a place of hope, just hold on to me..." - "a place called home" by pj harvey
3.Lines from a movie: "Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose a future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?" - trainspotting
4.Ending of a movie: boys don't cry or gladiator. no.. in the bedroom.
5.Body part (on myself): hmmm.... base of my back
6.Words: contemptuous
7.Pick up lines: hmmm.. not sure
8.Bar: sky, unity ii
9.Place to get it on: the shower
10.Music to listen to when i'm sad: natalie imbruglia, bjork, gemma hayes
*Have You Ever*
1.Taken a cab home from the Saint: what the fuck is the saint?
2.Dyked it out with another girl: lol oh god no
3.Been caught in the middle of an illegal act: not that i recall. i tend to do illegal things when i know i won't get caught :-P
4.Masturbated: stupid question..
6.Been to a strip club: ya, club 281 with vicky, ariel, anjali and caroline. ewwww!
7.Drank so much I puked: once, but that was because i was sobering up and i ate doritos and drank mountain dew. dangerous combination!
8.Gone home drunk with a stranger: ya.
9.Not screwed around with a guy who wanted to: many times. this french guy was all over me last night, and i totally could have had him, but i'm in a relationship with an amazing guy and i kept my distance and didn't do anything that i was ashamed of nor did i cheat. yay!
10.Been stood up: once. that sucked.
*Weirdest Things*
1.Place I've had sex: common room of my dorm
2.Place I've slept: either the bathroom floor or linen closet of my house in alberta
3.Boyfriend: they've all been sane :-)
4.Fetish: hmmm.... not many. being tied up maybe (but not hard!)
5.Habit: cutting my nails too short
6.Drunk experience: hmmm.... too many to name
7.Drug experience: taking e laced with speed. that wasn't fun. i had horrid chest pains
8.Pet Peeve: guys who think they're all that when they aren't
9.Crush: hmmm... any crush i had on any guy who is ugly sexy.
10.Thing that makes me giggle like a schoolgirl: lots of things
*If....*
1.....I could screw any dead celebrity, who would I choose? charlie chaplin lol. no.. john lennon.
2.....I could live anywhere, where would it be? rekjavik, iceland
3.....I had to write something on my tombstone, what would I write? "i just can't get you out of my head"
4.....I had to say the best feeling in the world, what would it be? right now, it would be to see nick, since i haven't seen him in almost a week
5.....I were to die tomorrow, what would I do? no idea
...
posted at 10:42 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, June 28, 2002
music right now: "the locomotion" by kylie minogue (cover of the lil' eva hit)
yay! this song is so much fun to sing to. anyway, my busy friday (hah! right) is almost at an end, but first i am seeing minority report. hurrah! i've been looking forward to seeing it. and i'm really hoping that the notorious c.h.o. comes to montreal soon. i missed margaret cho's first comedy tour movie, i'm the one that i want, so it would be nice to see this one. speaking of comediens, there's this show, queer comics, that is going to be at the juste pour rire festival this year. i think i might see it.
...
posted at 7:35 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, June 27, 2002
music right now: "one day in your life" by anastacia
i bought the most beautiful thing today - new diesel shoes. they are incredible! i love them so much. i swear, they're incredible. i may be wearing a 1/3rd of my rent on my feet, but i don't care. they are absolutely breathtaking. i can name at least five people who are not as hot as my shoes - christina aguilera, mandy moore, all the guys from lfo, two of the spice girls (baby and sporty), and most of n*sync. fuck, they're like bright beacons in the darkness of my shoe collection. now, if only i had those open-tongued dkny shoes, a pair of black pradas, and maybe these icelandic crazy spikey sandals, then i would have a shoe collection. as of now, i have diesel. and that is good enough for me!
...
posted at 9:02 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, June 26, 2002
music right now: "you can be replaced" by dot allison
current obsession of the moment happens to be this song. its so original and completely out there. not many things i have heard are like this. love it. sounds a little like something kosheen might do, if they injected a little bit of oddness and 80s-ish type beat into their music.
so, i've come to the realisation (another one) that the people who run the queer as folk website on showcase.ca aren't very in tune with the gay community. they have a music guide which tells you all the songs in the shows (very helpful, as the show has the best music of any out there), but they do not have a fashion guide which seriously irks me, especially considering that in the last few episodes of this season, justin wears this green jacket i really like and would love to know where its from (gap? perhaps... probably). but, alas, they don't have one. dammit! and considering how a considerable portion of the gay community (wayyyyyyyyy more than the str8 male community for sure) are fashion whores such as myself, this is a big oversight on their part.
...
posted at 7:11 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "more effeminate than you" by robin black and the intergalactic rock stars
great song. almost my theme song (sorry, but that honour falls upon "androgyny" by garbage and "it's raining men" remake by geri halliwell). anyway, i'm bored and i felt like posting something. so, i'm posting that i am bored. yay!
...
posted at 12:29 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, June 25, 2002
music right now: "the great escape" by moby ft. beth orton
i got drunk tonight. not by myself mind you, but i got drunk. i still am in fact. but i have come to the realisation that i am really lonely right now, and i miss nick a lot and even though there are many guys in my life right now, who are available and shit, i want him and only him. i didn't have to come anywhere close to cheating on him either to realise this. i just had to lay here, drunk, and to talk with graham. this made me realise that in this world there are few people we really connect with, few people that actually mean anything beyond a friendship level. like mike has dallas, vicky has peter, ian has ian. do i have anyone? not as of yet, but i can see myself being in that place with nick. i just hope he sees the same thing too.
...
posted at 2:55 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, June 24, 2002
music right now: "queer as folk uk theme"
yay! you can comment again! right next to the time, just click on the comment thing and leave a comment!
oh, and i finally saw qaf 2 (uk). it has renewed my faith in television. hurrah!
...
posted at 10:09 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "you look so fine" by garbage
well, i find myself back at this computer screen, pondering my situation at the moment. deep inside i feel like shit. i miss nick. and part of me wonders if i am putting way too much gravity into this situation. we've been dating for like almost two weeks (as of tomorrow), but i feel so much for him and it is really scaring me. last night when i saw him at metro longueuil, i felt so incredible. the whole metro ride back here was so intense. i wanted to hold his hand so bad (we briefly discussed affection in public later on - and we're not going to hold back, which is great). when we switched to the green line, there was this boy, about 15 or 16, and i was standing so close to nick that you would have to be blind to not tell that we were together. and i looked into the boys eyes and i knew that he was gay and afraid and seeing something that hopefully would make an impact upon his life. i hope he's proud of who he is and never forgets that he isn't alone. i know this is montreal, but in the beginning we are all alone.
but back to nick. i just feel so much for him. i am getting in way too deep. like i told vicky, i really think that i'm in love with him. its been such a short time that i've known him (like a month) but already i feel so much more for him than i ever felt for mike or aaron. and this inevitably leads into me wondering whether i am putting myself out on a limb here, or just letting it happen. perhaps i should just stop thinking about it. either way, i am in too far now to just suddenly turn off any feeling i have for nick. it isn't fair to me, or him. i just wish he was here so i could kiss him and hug him and look into his eyes.
...
posted at 3:48 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, June 23, 2002
interesting little survey (another, i know. i am bored and can't wait until office space finished downloading so i can laugh, which i really need right now since my boyfriend is gone for a week and i miss him terribly even though i only saw him 8 hours ago and i have come to the realisation that i am the gay version of bridget jones which sucks, because she is so much better than i am).
I may seem: snobbish and rather rude at first
But I'm really: shy and trying to get to know you before i bore you to death with my incessant drole banter.
People who really know me think Im: most likely a loonie who should be locked up
If you knew me you'd probably: tell me to go to bed, cuz i'm thinking way too much again
My days are pretty: boring!!!!
In the morning I: roll out of bed and check my email
I like to sleep: preferably with another person beside me
If I could be doing anything right now I would: be lying next to nick
Money is: okay, but it doesn't buy everything
One thing I wish I had is: a job so i wouldn't be bored
One thing I have that I wish I didn't have is: a sperm donor for a father
All you need is: love, all you need is love, all you need is love love, love is all you need (yay beatles!)
All I need is: for my stomach to stop feeling like shit
If I had one wish it would be: to see nick's smile right now
Love: is absolutely amazing, but it makes people do the stupidest things sometimes
If an angel flew into my window at night I would: roll over and continue to sleep because they don't exist
If a demon crashed into my window I would: see above angel question
If I could see one person right now it would be: nick
I live for: seeing the joy in other peoples eyes. if i can make someone happy, then i guess i've done my work here
I dare you all to: listen to the spice girls and tell me that you do not like one second of any of their songs.
I dream about: things being held from me
I daydream about: my wedding (i've done that since i was like eleven. i am such a fairy!)
Number of boys I have kissed in my life: can't count
Number of boys you have made out with: ditto
Number of girls I have kissed: one (julia at new years. she was alone and my [ex]boyfriend was at home in colorado)
Number of girls you have made out with: none, ew.
Number of drugs taken illegally: four
What pisses you off the most: people who hate for no reason, or people who stare at me simply because i don't hide who i am (especially when i'm holding my boyfriends hand)
Number of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends: three or four
Number of CDs that I own: 40. i like maybe 20 of them enough to keep them
Number of piercings: 1 in the left ear, 3 in the right ear. 1 in my bellybutton and 1 in my labret below my lip (by the end of summer hopefully)
Number of tattoos: none. ew.
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: three or four
Number of scars on my body: no idea
Number of times a person has made me scared of what they could do to me physically: a lot
Number of things in my past that I regret: there are ever so many
Last book you read: "white noise" by don delillo
Last movie you saw: bridget jones's diary
Last phone number you called: (780) 992-3168
Last show you watched on TV: will and grace or queer as folk
Last song you heard: "linger" by the cranberries
Last thing you had to drink: strawberry pop
Last thing you ate: macaroni
Last time you showered: this morning, about 5.00 am
Last time you cried: today, or yesterday
Last time you smiled: not sure
Last time you laughed: today
Last person you hugged: nick
Last person you kissed: nick
Last person you had sex with: only really had (anal) sex once, and i'm not saying with whom, but it wasn't pleasant
Last thing you said: bye
Last person you talked to online: graham
Last person you talked to on the phone: my mum
Last thing you smelled: not sure really. i think i am almost anosmic. occasionally i will smell really strong smells, but apart from that, i don't smell anything most of the time.
...
posted at 11:39 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "beauty on the fire" by natalie imbruglia
my vote for the best music video ever has to be for "viðrar vel til loftarasa" by sigur rós. the video starts off with these two boys sitting on opposite sides of a dock. one is playing with two dolls, the other with a dead fish (ewww!). then it cuts to this guy welding who sees the one boy playing with dolls, runs out onto the dock, rips them from him, and throws them into the water. we then see them leave in a car. the next shot we see the kid who was playing with dolls sitting in a tent with a football (soccer) team, and he's wearing his football kit, listening to the coach or something. then the other kid who was on the dock appears, with a blanket. he hands it to the one boy, and inside it are his two dolls. then we see a football match. the kid who was playing with dolls scores, and the next thing we see is him on the ground kissing the boy who gave him back his dolls. it is such an amazingly beautiful video. there's another sigur rós video (i think for either "flugufrelsarinn" or "svern-g-englar") which is just a video of kids with downs syndrome dressed like angels (all in white) dancing in a field. it's beautiful.
...
posted at 6:04 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, June 22, 2002
music right now: "sunlight" by natalie imbruglia
i just saw the music video for natalie's new single, "beauty on the fire" and i am thoroughly hyper. it was sooo incredible! i am in love with her music all over again! yay! well, i'm gonna go out and enjoy the rest of the sunlight we have for today. ciao!
hmm.... i'm the hot one. god, he's so cute!!! i swear, he is gay. and i want to marry him. lol.
...
posted at 4:04 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "goin' down" by melanie c
i am soooooo incredibly obsessed with the spice girls right now. i have no idea why. they are just so incredibly funky and fun and they make me want to dance all over my apartment! anyway, off to do something constructive. just thought you might like to be aware of my latest obsession. ciao!
...
posted at 3:00 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, June 21, 2002
music right now: "i'll remember" by madonna
another thing pilferred from mikey's livejournal page (as i have no original ideas of my own at the moment).
[[10 Bands You've Seen Live]]
- placebo
- idlewild
- the tea party
- edwin
- bif naked
- liveonrelease (shit!)
- treble charger
- garbage
- u2
- amanda marshall
[[09 Things You're Looking Forward To]]
- getting back to classes
- seeing nick tomorrow night :-)
- joining the photography club (just to be able to use the dark room)
- seeing all my friends again
- moving into my new apartment (even if it is the size of a shoebox)
- when nick gets back from ontario (argh, a week is a loooonnnnggg time!)
- seeing "minority report"
- when other nick comes back from maine for a day or two
- august (pride!!!!!!!)
[8 things you wear daily]
- sandals
- a smile :-)
- a t-shirt or tank top
- pants
- my buddha beads
- lip gloss
- my earrings
- boxers (of course)
[[07 Things That Annoy You]]
- arrogant americans complaining about everything in canada (no offense, there are amazing people from the states, but i hate it when they come here and complain about everything! we have high taxes for a reason!!!!!)
- being indecisive (which i am)
- people who refuse to choose anything to do and leave everything up to me
- people who complain about vegetarians
- racism/homophobia/xenophobia/ageism/sexism/speciesism
- religion being used as an excuse for the above
- dubya (enough said)
[[06 Things You Touch Every Day]
- hair
- face
- computer keyboard
- discman
- keys
- wallet
[[05 Things You Do Every Day
- roll out of bed
- dance around to kylie while singing loudly
- listen to music
- go outside
- eat
[[04 People You'd Want to Spend More Time With]]
- nick (of course!)
- vicky
- ariel
- ian
[[03 Movies You Could Watch Over and Over]]
- sliding doors
- the last of the mohicans
- gladiator
[[02 Of Your Favorite Songs At This Moment]]
- "vamos a bailar" by paola e chiara
- "parade" by garbage
[[01 Person You Could Spend the Rest of Your Life With]]
- no idea yet.
...
posted at 4:24 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, June 20, 2002
music right now: "fallin'" by alicia keys
this song reminds me of nick. i'm sure you are sick of reading about him in this blog, but i am seriously falling for him like i've never fallen before. i miss him so much right now, and i only saw him 36 hours ago. next week when he's in ontario will be hell. i won't know what to do with myself. anyway, i have to get some sleep. ciao.
...
posted at 2:21 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, June 19, 2002
music right now: "holler" by spice girls
nick is the best. yesterday we spent ten hours together watching a movie (sliding doors), making dinner and just being together. i am so falling for him. i feel different with him than i did with previous boys i dated. he's just so incredible. just thinking of his smile brightens up my mood. *beams* hmmm.... i am super hyper right now. anyway, off i go, bouncing off the walls.
...
posted at 5:46 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, June 18, 2002
music right now: "trick with a knife" by strawpeople
i have no father. he's gone from my life. i refuse to believe he ever existed within it as anything more than a stalker or annoyance or whatever you may call it. so, in the conversation that i had with this former person, i came to the conclusion he never did and never will ever care for me. i yelled all this at him. i told him how i was never a son to him, how he never treated me as one, how i was always nothing in his eyes, never good enough, and that he never cared about what i wanted or what my dreams were. then i told him to fuck himself. that's it. it's over. i was born of immaculate conception for all i care. i have one parent who always acted as two. that's all i need.
...
posted at 2:23 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, June 17, 2002
music right now: "mile over melbourne" by strawpeople
hmmm... i'm in a strange mood right now. i just feel like writing. and i just saw my clock and realised that i missed seeing shakira at musiqueplus. fuck! i wanted to see her so bad. oh well, such is life. i have no idea what i want to write right now. i just feel like saying something - anything. i have to decide this week between taking "social problems", "queer history of britain" or "canadian cinema" for the fall. i can't choose. it's so hard. i though there was another social problems class in the winter term, but alas i was wrong. so, i'm really leaning towards queer history right now since it won't be taught again and i really really want to take it. the class is small, so i won't have to contend with attempting to find a seat. and it's only two hours a week, which is nice. i am thinking i might as well just take it and forget social problems. i know it would be amazing, but queer history is like a once in a school career opportunity. and then there's canadian cinema. i love canadian movies, and that is my main motivation behind taking it. but should/could i? probably not. so, i guess i'm taking queer history.
...
posted at 7:51 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "under the milky way" by strawpeople
so, i wrote another poem, and typed up an old one. here they are:
oh btw, an abseiler is a person who rappels from tall structures while working on them.
the mythics of an abseiler
will you be there to save me
when my eyes drown in the tears
of this neverending fight.
will you be there to hold me
while i fall from this perch
i've been fastened to.
save me,
i say.
save me.
above me you cling to a rope,
dangling from the superstructure overhead.
i reach for you, yet you withdraw,
back into your shell.
i love you, i cry,
hoping that those words will entice you
to join me on solid ground for once.
they echo and cry, like birds taking flight
and fly around us, like paper
blown by the wind.
save me,
i say.
save me.
will you be there to tell me
why i should continue to exist in your world
when you refuse to acknowledge me.
will you be there to push me
into the eternal abyss and
stop me from being frightened by the fall.
i can,
you return.
i can't.
so it comes down to that, i mourn,
and look skyward again, seeing you existing merely on a hope and a prayer,
watching the wolves approach to take turns
leaping at your delicious feet.
i shed no tears now,
they're all spent. and with a last goodbye, i leave you to hang,
and approach the cool ocean surrounding my soul.
i'll think of you when the dusk fades to twilight,
i mouth, and drop into the water, then swim away,
leaving you to dangle by the predeliction of your situation.
arriving in manitoba
there we were
arriving in manitoba
so full of anger and sorrow
yet the future held so much
promise and hope
we didn't question it at all
wondering where we were
wondering where we were going
there we were
arriving in manitoba
so full of happiness and joy
yet the future held so much
tension and confusion
we didn't notice it at all
wondering who we were
wondering who we were becoming
there we were
arriving in manitoba
so full of weakness and sadness
and the future held so much
blame and hurt
we didn't care at all
wondering why we were
wondering why we were trying
there we were
leaving manitoba
so full of grief and expectation
promise and hope
we didn't feel it at all
wondering where we went
wondering where we went to
i'm not too fond of the second poem, but i love the title and the concept. it just doesn't work quite as well as i want it too. and i keep on hesitating to edit it. maybe i should bite the bullet and rewrite it...
...
posted at 7:11 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, June 16, 2002
music right now: "poses" by rufus wainwright
i can't keep myself from falling for nick. i know it's still so early on, but i find myself thinking of him. the smile on his face when he looks into my eyes. it just absolutely turns my world upside down in such an amazingly good way. i have been in between being miserable and so incredibly giddy all day. i hate that i can't be around him, with him, right now, but i'm so happy about what happened between us. its totally brought out a part in me i haven't felt in so long. and that's good.
...
posted at 8:28 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "save yourself" by sensefield
wow, last night was amazing. unity was so good. i cannot believe it. the place was packed to the gills. it was insane! i could barely move. but, the best part was being there with nick. i am starting to fall for him. i do that so easily. but he is amazing. i cannot even begin to express how much i like him. and, something happened with him that i have never had with other guys - i got jealous. just slightly, but i felt it. i didn't like the feeling, but it must mean something if i felt it. but it felt so good to be with him. and he is the best kisser i've ever kisses. he's so gentle and not like biting my face off like some other people. and as we were leaving i was standing on a step, with him on a lower one, so i was finally at his height (he's 6'2"), and the lights were shining on us and "falling" by alicia keys started playing and we kissed and it was so incredible. *sighs* i can't stop thinking about him. i don't know if i'm insane or what, but he is so perfect. his smile totally illuminates the room. the energy he gives off is so intense. i don't know how to describe it.
...
posted at 3:26 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, June 15, 2002
music right now: "oops (oh my)" by tweet
hmmm... to sushi or not to sushi. i want sushi so bad right now (veggie sushi that is). i have had so many cravings lately. its really weird. i must be pregnant or something lol. i was craving an egg mcmuffin yesterday and friday, and now sushi and i also want a peanut butter and banana sandwich. ahhh!! i'm going crazy!
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posted at 2:38 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, June 14, 2002
music right now: "southern sun (dj tiesto remix)" by paul oakenfold
i changed the name of my blog. presque rien means "hardly anything" in french. plus it sounds cool.
so, i have come to a realisation. i don't hate very many people. i try to accept everyone as they are. but, i have come to hate someone. this guy sylvain. i cannot tell you how i feel in words. it is beyond belief. just talking to him feels like either: a) i'm being verbally raped, or b) insulted continuously. he really has no idea how i feel, but i'm sure he will soon enough. the big thing is that he absolutely hates everything about gay culture and gay society. from the music to the parties to the shows. but one thing he doesn't realise it that i am part of gay culture. i am a card carrying fag and i really won't hesistate to tell anyone. what you see is what you get, and if you don't like it, don't fucking try to change me. you can frankly kiss my ass. anyway, he is avoiding montreal's pride by going to toronto. he despises kylie minogue. he makes comments. it just totally annoys me. i don't judge him based on what he listens to or how he dresses or whether he wants to go to pride. just don't go out of your way to avoid it. he is so homophobic its not even funny. i can't deal with it. he says he's homosexual but not gay, as if being called gay means you are sick or something. well, excuse me, i am proud to be who i am, and if you don't want to be associated with the word gay, which i fuckin' am, then don't talk to me. i've had enough of people deriding me simply for who i am. i don't need that.
...
posted at 6:56 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "your love" by kylie minogue
so, i'm back from another night of whoring it up at parking. i realised something, and i'm not sure if it's great or really bad. as i looked around at the guys filling the room, i came to the sudden conclusion that i thought they were attractive, but that's it. i didn't want to make out with them, i didn't want to mess around with them, i didn't want to be fucked by them. i know what i want. i just want to be with nick. it's so early in this relationship to even say anything like that, but i can't see myself being happy with anyone else. his smile makes me melt. being around him is like a little piece of heaven. it's absolutely amazing in every way possible. i've never felt this way about any one else. i'm not in love, mind you. god, i don't know him all that well, but from what i do know, it's definitely not out of the question. well, off to bed. oh, one other thing. i was super surprised. they played "the 15th" by fischerspooner and "substance" by dot allison tonight at parking. it seems that the music i love has finally infiltrated the world which we call clubs. yay!
...
posted at 2:47 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, June 13, 2002
music right now: "vamos a bailar" by paola and chiara
such a good song. i am sooooo in love with latin american culture right now. it's insane. i so want to be able to speak spanish fluently and sit around and speak super fast like they do. just listen to shakira in the song "estoy aquí" (which i think is a more upbeat spanish version of "i'll stand by you" by the pretenders). she sings so incredibly fast. it's sooo cool to hear.
anyway, i'm super hyper. i'm done my deferred finals and i'm chatting with nick. my weekend is pretty much planned as of now, which is good. since the start of summer break, i haven't had my weekends planned until the last minute, which is annoying. i'm used to knowing what i'm doing at least on tuesday afternooon. oh well, that shall return come fall. saturday night is the reopening of unity!! i'm so incredibly hyped for that. me, nick, and other nick are going (so far, i'm sure there will be a crowd come saturday afternoon). and then sunday me and nick are going to lunch at les vivres and then to tam-tams. should be cool, since i've never been. well, off to listen to kylie and bounce around.
...
posted at 7:08 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, June 12, 2002
music right now: my heart beat returning to its normal rhythm ... now "love at first sight" by kylie minogue
omg, i am sooooo over the moon right now. so, i was having this long conversation with nick (south shore nick), and we were talking about relationships. anyway, it got to the point where we were asking if we had our eyes on anyone. we both said yes. then we told each other what said person was like. then i totally went out on a limb and told him that i was talking about him. and he was talking about me too! i am like soooooo incredibly happy right now. i like this guy so much. ahhhh!!!!
...
posted at 5:22 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "southern sun (dj tiesto remix)" by paul oakenfold
i think i know what i want. i was watching an episode of queer as folk earlier and i came to the realisation i do want a relationship. i want that feeling again. and i think i know who i want it with. this guy nick that i met a bit ago is so someone i want to spend time with. i just like being with him, feeling his presence around me. it is such an amazing feeling that i haven't had in a while. the thing is i have no idea if he could ever see me as anything more than a friend. and that's the worst part. the not knowing how somebody feels about you. i smile when i think of him. i know i barely know him, and it sucks. i wish i could see him everyday and find out what is going on under the shiny exterior i see every time we do something. but, alas, i don't know what will happen. life works in strange ways. and i guess if it is meant to be, then it shall.
...
posted at 2:02 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, June 11, 2002
omg, i just found something out. after looking to see if "once and again" was coming out on dvd sometime soon (i miss that show soooooo much!), i just found out that "my so-called life" is being released on dvd. the whole series! i am sooooo excited. i need to buy it.
this is totally fucked. i really don't plan on living in croatia. i just chose zagreb because i want to go there, not live there. i do want two kids and an apartment, and maybe a mini cooper as like a toy, but i haven't thought about mark in sooo long. that is really painful, and it was best left unthought of. fuck.
...
posted at 12:37 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "extreme ways" by moby
i talked to my friend mike a little bit ago, and i realised that i miss so many people so much. it was so good to hear from him. i nearly cried when he had to go. i had to go too, but it's so incredible to at least know that some of my friends are alright. fuck, september is NOT going to come fast enough, is it. i need something this summer. something to make me feel whole again. something to make my existence here as unquestionable as it can be. something to make me able to justify living and breathing in montreal at the moment. whether that is other people, a job, a pet, whatever, just as long as it comes. and i find myself being sad that the big event in my life over the next few weeks is the arrival of my television. what a fucking waste. yes, i can watch oprah and rosie and feel good about myself, but i don't want to be pacified by that little box. life is too short for that. so, i will get a job. tomorrow. or wednesday. i can't sit here forever and do nothing. end of story.
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posted at 12:26 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, June 09, 2002
music right now: "harbour" by moby ft. sinead o'connor
listen to this song. this is me right now. this is how i feel. if my body irradiated a song or a sound, it would be this.
i'm going to be able to watch "dancer in the dark" again for the first time in forever. this is great. i need a really emotional movie right now. i'm not sure if i'll be able to handle it. it's incredibly hard to take. but it's also absolutely amazing. i've been listening to a lot of tara maclean and nina hynes in the last little while. they're really good. i needed someone like them to listen to right now. i don't feel very good. i haven't felt this unhappy in a while. this isn't good :-(
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posted at 11:06 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "that's me" by tara maclean
no answer... typical. i never get people when they're home, and then they get pissed off. plus his voice mail is fucked, so whatever. i don't have the energy to have a long conversation with him right now, i don't think. i don't have energy for a lot of things. yeah, so i sit here, writing about what a shit life i seem to have right now. i've been so happy lately, but today has been horrid. apart from chillin with nick until 4.30 this morning, i have done nothing. i took out my recycling. big fucking deal. hopefully this week will be good. i need some cheering up :-(
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posted at 9:58 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "precious things" by tori amos
so, i finally figured out what i felt earlier. it seemed like i was feeling blah and didn't care about anything. but, i feel like i don't matter to anybody right now. i am so incredibly alone and so lonely its not funny. plus i have to break the news to my mum about the deposit for the apartment - $1100. they're asking for the first and the last months rent. this is illegal, so i don't know what to do. i am so fucking sick of being here right now. i despise montreal at this moment. fuck. i just want to get out of here. i want to disappear and not have to hear a few peoples voices at this moment. but, alas, i have to. shit, i should probably call sylvain. i tried earlier, but no answer.
...
posted at 9:52 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "be with you" by enrique iglesias
i am in a strange spot right now. i just don't care about anything. like earlier this week i was into wanting to have a relationship and stuff, but right now i don't know if i even want one. i just don't want all the drama and shit that comes with it. like if the opportunity for me to be with the guy i want to be with presented itself, i would most likely take it. but, i don't know if that's what i need right now. i feel completely blah. i was so bored earlier i decided i'd chat on gay.com (always a stupid idea). some guy messaged me asking what i wanted. it was obvious that all he wanted was a quick fuck, but i don't want anything like that. sex is the furthest thing from my mind today.
so, what did i do last night? i went to dinner with nick (from the south shore). we went to le commensal, then walked up the mountain to the lookout. that was kind of fun. so, he was supposed to meet his friend and was going to go to meet him at 10. but, he couldn't get ahold of him, so we ended up just wandering through the endless grand prix parties that were raging throughout downtown montreal. it was actually quite fun. there was this cool fashion show at les cours mont-royal, and they modeled like dolce and gabbana and dkny. i was excited. and then the finale they played "can't get you out of my head" and nick looked at me and i was like beaming. he thought it was funny. he was like "oh my god you are like smiling so much". it was funny. i'm always that way whenever i hear kylie. she makes me happy!
so, we came back here after going to some more of the parties and just sat around and talked, then watched queer as folk because he had never seen it before. and he stayed in my extra bed, which was cool. i don't usually have people stay over, so it was a nice chance. overall, it was a really good night. like i've only done stuff with him twice, but it seems that no matter what we do its fun. ya.
so, this week is going to be slow. i have to take my two deferred finals on thursday. should be fun :-( and i'm signing my lease for my apartment tomorrow. i am officially not homeless after the 9th of august. yay! and i want to get a job this week. i'm going to harass soto into giving me the kitchen helper job i want. it would be pretty easy i think. nothing too stressful, plus i'll have money and something to do with my life until september.
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posted at 6:20 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "i wanna be bad" by willa ford
yup, another survey. i am way too bored. i need something to doooo this summer. maybe i should take up knitting...
?? HAVE YOU EVER
1. Kissed your cousin: not that i recall
2. Ran away: no
3. Pictured your crush naked: this is stupid.. of course i have
4. Actually seen your crush naked: no :-( lol
5. Broken someone's heart: yeah, and it was the worst thing i've ever done
6. Been in love: yep
7. Cried when someone died: i did when princess diana died, but i haven't really had any deaths to face yet
8. Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have: yeah and it's a horrid feeling
9. Broken a bone: no
10. Drank alcohol: yep
11. Lied: of course
12. Cried in school: not too many times, but yes
?? WHICH IS BETTER
13. COKE OR PEPSI: pepsi
14. SPRITE OR 7UP: 7up
15. GIRLS OR GUYS: guys are hot. girls make the best friends
16. FLOWERS OR CANDY: both
17. SCRUFF OR CLEAN SHAVEN: clean shaven for sure
18. QUIET OR LOUD: loud!
19. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES: either or
20. BITCHY OR SLUTTY: i'm more bitchy than slutty, so bitchy it is
21. TALL OR SHORT: tall!
22. PANTS OR SHORTS: pants, but shorts can be sexy
?? WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX OR SAME
23. WHAT DO YOU NOTICE FIRST: eyes. or height
24. LAST PERSON YOU SLOW DANCED WITH: hmm... mike, and that was sooo long ago too. i miss slow dancing!
?? THE LAST TIME
26. SHOWERED: today
27. HAD SEX: not saying
28. HAD A GREAT TIME WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX: seeing "about a boy" with vicky. same sex would be with nick last night (montreal was one big party!)
?? WHAT IS
29. YOUR GOOD LUCK CHARM: my little buddha
30. PERSON YOU HATE MOST: not too many people. i don't really hate anyone as much as try to tolerate them
31. THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU TODAY: not much. today has barely started for me
32. COLOR: blue, black, silver
33. MOVIE: the sweet hereafter, dancer in the dark, trainspotting
34. BOOK: "smilla's sence of snow" by peter hoeg
35. SUBJECT IN SCHOOL: english lit (as of now)
36. JUICE: apple and orange
37. CARS: mini coopers are adorable
38. ICE CREAM: can't eat ice cream (lactose intolerant)
39. HOLIDAY: hallowe'en
40. SEASON: spring, autumn
41. BREAKFAST FOOD: oatmeal, poppy seed bagels
42. PLACE TO GO WITH YOUR HONEY: the movies, or someplace chill
??WHO?
43. MAKES YOU LAUGH THE MOST: not sure. vicky most of the time
44. MAKES YOU SMILE: a lot of people
45. GIVES YOU A FUNNY FEELING WHEN YOU SEE THEM: aaron
46. HAS A CRUSH ON YOU: sylvain
47. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON: hmmm... not sure
48. CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER NO MATTER WHAT: a few people
49. HAS IT EASIER GUYS OR GIRLS: girls, definitely. they can show off their bodies without getting flack for it (like happens when i do anything like that)
?? DO YOU EVER
50. SIT BY THE PHONE WAITING FOR A PHONE CALL ALL NIGHT: not for a long time. in like grade 10 i think i did
51. SAVE AOL CONVERSATIONS: no
52. SAVE E-MAILS: on occasion, but not all that often
53. WISH YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE: half the time
54. WISH YOU WERE A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX: some of the time
55. CRIED BECAUSE OF SOMEONE'S MEAN WORDS: yes. i don't care what people say, words hurt and are a lot more damaging than physical violence. words can cause wounds that heal a lot slower than bruises or cuts
?? BEST
56. COLOGNE: ck one
57. PERFUME: noa
58. KISS: hmmm.... this is a hard one
59. ROMANTIC MEMORY: i don't have many, which sucks
60. MOST RECENT ADVICE GIVEN TO YOU: don't worry so much. people will understand
?? HAVE YOU:
61. Fallen for your best friend?: no
62. Made out w/ JUST a friend?: yeah
63. Been rejected?: oh god yes
64. Been in love?: yes
65. Been in lust?: um, ya
66. Used someone?: no, i hope not
67. Been used?: unfortunately yes
68. Cheated on someone?: no
69. Been cheated on?: not sure. i suspect yes, but i don't know for sure
70. Been kissed?: of course
71. Done something you regret?: yes
Who was the last person...
72. You touched?: probably nick, when i hugged him this morning before he left
73. You talked to?: nick
74. You hugged?: nick
75. You instant messaged?: nick, again
76. You kissed?: not sure. either sylvain, or other nick
77. You had sex with?: not saying
78. You yelled at?: probably my mum
79. You laughed with?: probably nick
80. Who broke your heart?: mike
81. Who told you they loved you?: my mum (awwww lol)
Do you..
82. Color your hair? i haven't in a while. i want highlights though
83. Have tattoos? no, ewww
84. Have piercings? both ears, two places in my right ears cartilege (industrial). i want to get my labret and belly button done too
85. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both? never had a girlfriend, but had boyfriends, of course
86. Own a webcam? no
87. Own a thong? no, lol
88. Ever get off the damn computer? of course
89. Sprechen sie deutsche? Ja, ich spreche Deutsch nicht schlecht.
90. Habla espanol? in the fall i will, so - Si.
91. Quack? quack to you too
(Have you / do you / are you...
92. Stolen anything? no
93. Smoke? oh god yes, and i think i want a cigarette about now, which is not good at all
94. Schizophrenic? slightly
95. Obsessive? fuck yeah
96. Compulsive? constantly
97. Obsessive compulsive? sometimes
98. Panic? on occasion
99. Anxiety? a little
100. Depressed? on occasion, which is a nice change
101. Suicidal? not for a while
102. Obsessed with hate? no
103. Dream of mutilated bodies, blood, death, and gore? ewww... yes
104. Dream of doing those things instead of just seeing them? of course
105. If you could be anywhere, where would you be? on a beach
106. Can you do anything freakish with your body? not that i know of
107. What facial feature do you find the most attractive on others? eyes
108. Would you vote for a woman candidate for president?: don't have a president here. prime minister i would. my political party has a female leader (for now, which sucks, because i like alexa mcdonough)
109. Would you marry for money?: no
110. Have you had braces?: never
111. Do you pluck your eyebrows?: yes
112. Do you like hairy backs?: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!
113. When was the last time you had a hickey?: not sure
114. Could you live without a computer?: maybe, but it would be inconvenient
115. Do you use ICQ, AOL Buddy list etc...?: AIM, MSN, ICQ
116. If so, how many people are on your list(s)?: not sure
117. If you could live in any past, where would it be? back in high school, but with my personality/attitude/experience i have now. things would have been so different
118. Do you wear white socks?: no
119. Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?: take them off of course
120. What is your favorite fruit?: pineapple
121. Do you eat wheat bread or white?: pita
122. What is your favorite place to visit?: right now, boston.
123. What is the last movie you saw?: "about a boy" with vicky and peter
124. Do you kiss on the first date?: depends on the person
125. Are you photogenic?: sometimes. which is surprising b'cuz i used to hate cameras
126. Do you dream in color or black and white?: colour
127. Are you wearing fingernail polish?: not right now
128. Is it chipped or fresh?: see above
129. Do you have any dimples?: i don't think so
130. Do you remember being born?: no
131. Why do you take surveys?: because i'm fucking bored!
132. Do you drink alcohol? If so, what is your favorite drink?: yes. smirnoff ice, long island ice tea
133. Did you like or do you like high school?: i hated it
134. What is the best accent? english or icelandic
135. Who do you want to kiss? hmmm.... nick
136. Do you like sunrises or sunsets the most?: both
137. Do you want to live to be 100?: not really
138. Is a flat stomach important to you?: sort of
139. Do you or have you played with a ouija board?: i have. they're kinda creepy
140. Are you loyal?: i try to be
141. Are you tolerant of other peoples beliefs?: i hope so. if i'm not, slap me upside the head
142. When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?: off
143. Do you have nightmares frequently?: when i was sick i did
144. Do you like your nose?: hate it with a passion
145. Do you think you can draw well?: actually i think i'm okay
146. At what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn't real?: 8 or 9
147. How many pairs of shoes do have in your closet?: don't know
148. Do you like to wear the same shoes everyday or do you like a variety? a variety, but i have to wear the same shoes, so it sucks
149. Do you write poetry?: yeah
150. Do you snore?: like a little baby apparently
151. Do you sleep more on your back, front, or sides?: sides
152. dog/cat?: both are cute
153. Do you lick stamps?: huh???
154. Do you use an electric can opener?: nope
155. Have you ridden in a hotair balloon?: i don't think i have
156. Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?: emotional
157. Favorite TV show?: er, will and grace, cold feet, qaf (british version), ab fab
158. Do you know anyone who is clinically depressed?: yeah
159. Do you prefer a piano or a violin?: violin
160. Are you a sex addict?: no
161. Do you know someone who has cancer?: maybe
162. Do you like to argue?: on occasion
163. Do you hunt?: never. it's disgusting and a pathetic attempt for men to prove their masculinity
164. Do you like fast food joints, or expensive restaurants?: not a fan of fast food
165. Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?: art museum. i despise zoos
166. Do you have a middle name? What is it?: don't have one :-P
167. Are you basically a happy person?: as of late yes
168. Are you tired?: yeah
169. Did you drink anything with caffeine in it today?: coke (ew)
170. Have you ever met anyone off the internet?: yup. it was scary at first, but turned out well
171. How many phones do you have in your house?: one
172. How long is your hair?: too long for my taste
173. Do you get along with your parents?: mum some of the time, i avoid my dad most of the time
174. What color of eyes do you prefer?: blue
175. Like your name?: hate it
176. Were you named after anyone? nope
177. Do you wish on stars? sometimes
178. Which finger is your favorite? none
179. When did you last cry? hmmm.. watching will and grace on friday
181. Do you like your handwriting? no, i never handwrite, only print
182. Who do you admire? a lot of people
183. What is the #1 priority in your life? to be fully happy
184. What is your favorite lunchmeat? none. don't eat meat
185. Any bad habits?: biting my nails
186. What is your most embarrassing CD? adam sandler
187. If you were another person, would you be friends with yourself? probably not
188. Are you a daredevil? i can be
189. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? yeah
190. Have you ever stolen anything? no
191. Do looks matter? sometimes
192. Have you ever misused a word and it sounded absolutely stupid? no, i'm good with words
193. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? it's possible, put not likely
194. Do fish have feelings? maybe
195. Are you trendy? i try to be
196. How do you release anger? scream or write
197. Where is your second home? montreal (outside of my apartment).
198. Do you trust others easily? way too easily. i am really really gullable
199. What was your favorite toy as a child? not sure
200. What class in school do you think is totally useless? physics!!!!!!
201. Do you like sappy love songs? no.... (*turn off celine dion and attempts to keep a straight face*)
202. Have you ever been on radio or television? tv
203. Do you have a journal? yup
204. Do you use sarcasm a lot? no, never!
205. Have you ever been in another country?: yes
206. What do you look for in a guy/girl? hmmm... i look for someone i can hold a conversation with, who makes me laugh and is fun to be around
207. What is your nickname? clint, muffin, campy, big c
208. Would you bungee jump? perhaps
209. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? sometimes
210. What are you worried about right now? nothing at the moment
211. Do you ever wear overalls? eww, no
212. Do you think you are strong? anjali can beat me armwrestling, so no
213. What's your mom's job? does something for century 21 (what exactly it is i have no idea)
214. What's your dad's job? petroleum engineer
215. What's your least favorite thing in the world? being rejected
216. How many wisdom teeth do you have? no idea
217. Do you have anything pierced? yes
218. Do you have any tattoos? nope
219. What would you change about yourself? get rid of my ghetto booty, better nose, better complexion, better abs
220. Who is most likely to respond to this first? no one
221. Who are the people you care most about? my friends of course
222. I see: my computer screen
223. I need: money of course, but something to fill my time with. and someone incredible to do that with
224. I find: that this song annoys me ("out of your mind" by the truesteppers ft. victoria beckham)
225. I want: to dance in the sunshine with all my friends
226. I have: nothing to do
227. I wish: i wasn't sooooo bored
228. I love: this song ("can't get you out of my head" by kylie minogue)
229. I hate: being sooo bored!
230. I miss: my friends
231. I fear: that i will have a shit summer
232. I feel: tired. and a little gross
233. I hear: kylie's amazing voice
234. I smell: nothing. i think i'm becoming anosmic
235. I wonder: what i am doing here
236. I regret: wasting so much time on this survey
...
posted at 5:13 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, June 08, 2002
music right now: "do you love?" by natalie imbruglia
i'm bored right now, so here's another survey.
**In the Beginning**
What time is it right now: 3.55pm
**The Basics**
Zodiac Sign: leo (roar!)
Age: 18
Location: montreal, quebec
Past Location: fort saskatchewan, alberta
School: mcgill university
Hair Colour: black, and apparently i have dark reddish brown in the front now for some weird reason
Eye Colour: hazel
Height: hmm.... i think i'm 171 cm, but i have no clue
**Favourites**
Three Bands: placebo, the cure, sigur rós
Three Singers: natalie imbruglia, kylie minogue, bjork
Three Groups: spice girls, kosheen, boyzone
Five Songs: "wrong impression" natalie imbruglia, "flugufrelsarinn" sigur rós, "haemoglobin" placebo, "get over you" sophie ellis-bextor, "freak like me" sugababes
Food: vegetarian lasagna, sushi (veggie)
Magazines: xy, out, q
Hobbies: reading, writing, listening to music, dancing, chatting, bitching, eating, sleeping
Cereal: vive
Subject in School: english
Alcoholic Beverage: smirnoff ice, long island ice tea, sangria, white wine, amaretto sour
Veggies: broccoli
Fast Food: subway
Restaurant: le commensal!
Numbers: 6
Holiday: hallowe'en
Pizza topping(s): i would say cheese, but i can't eat it anymore. my lactose intolerance has caught up with me
Movie soundtrack: the thin red line ost plus chants from the thin red line
Candy: starburst jellybeans
Place to shop: the gap, le chateau, window shopping in le cours mont-royal (because i could never afford anything in that place)
**Have You Ever?**
Danced around naked: of course. it's not as fun as it sounds, though :-P
Gotten drunk: of course!
Gotten high: uh huh
Ran away from the cops: not that i recall
Shoplifted: nope
held a gun: no, and i never will
Gotten in a car accident: yeah, when the drunk hit the van when gordon was driving (though i don't remember the impact)
Gone Skinny Dipping: no
Cheated on a test: maybe.....
Played Strip Poker: no, but that does sound tempting right about now
Broke a bone: no
Had a medical emergency: well, aside from the many times i cut open my head, not really
**When Was The Last Time You**
Sang out loud: like two seconds ago
Screamed: yesterday when the atm ate my card
Ate Chinese Food: probably more than a year ago
Took a picture: too long ago. i need to take some new pics
*Do U*
Have a cell phone: i should
Have a Pager: no
Have your own car: no, and never will. i despise automobiles
Have money in your pocket: no, i don't keep things in my pockets
Have clothes on right now: yeah
Have a mental disease: of course, everybody does
Overreact: constantly
Have any pets: no
Save E-mails: not really, unless it's from someone special
Smoke: sometimes. it's bad, i know
Do Drugs: yes, and they are fun. so fuck you "coalition for a drug free america". you can lick my ass
Drink: of course
Look like anyone famous: apparently with my pleather jacket and sunglasses on i look like keanu reeves in the matrix
Sleep with stuffed animals: yes. and it's fun
Sleep with the lights on or off: either or. i fall asleep a lot easier with lights on, though
Think you're weird: of course!
Think you're funny: not really. moronic is the apt word for it
Watch porno's: no, it's degrading and boring
Have any brothers and sisters: yes. cindy, simone, christopher (r.i.p.), murray, and stephanie
Party a lot: occasionally
Go online a lot: yeah, it's the only thing to do at home
Curse a lot: fuck yeah
Have a job: no. but i will have that job at soto, hopefully
**This or That**
Button fly or zipper: no fly :-P
WWF or WCW: wwf (world wildlife foundation!!) lol
Cookies, cakes, or pie: cake
French toast, pancakes, or waffles: pancakes and waffles
Twinkies or ding-dongs: huh? this sounds a little erotic, i'm sorry!
Coffee or Tea: tea. i hate coffee
One or Two Pillows: many. a plethora of pillows
Red or Blue: blue
New or Old: new
Here or There: everywhere!
Sweater or sweatshirt: ewww, both are ghetto
Pencil or pen: pencil
T-shirt or tank top: tank top
Stripes or Solids: stripes are just wrong. solids of course
Wool or Cotton: cotton
Chocolate milk or plain: vanilla soy milk
Spring or Fall: autumn
Summer or Winter: both are good
Skiing or Swimming: swimming
Croutons or Bacon Bits: neither
2 doors or 4 (on a car): who cares
Ruffles or Lays: ruffles
Blanket or Stuffed Animal: both
Shampoo or Conditioner: conditioner
Dumper or dumpee: i hate being the dumpee
Relationship or hookup: relationship for sure
Bridges or tunnels: both
Adidas or Nike: neither. reebok.
Oranges or apples: oranges
Deaf or blind: anosmic
hot tubs or pools: both
Blondes or Brunettes: blondes, but brunettes with blue eyes are cuter
TV or radio: the telly
Snow or rain: the sound of rain, but snow is easier to deal with for me
**Who, What, Where**
What is your most prized possession: my buddha beads or my little buddha that i got on st laurent
What is your good luck charm: my little buddha
What is the worst song you've ever heard: "hey juliet" by lmnt, or "my sharona" by whatever shit band wrote it
What is the most embarrassing CD you own: "what the hell happened to me?" by adam sandler
What store would you max your 'rents credit card at: united colours of benetton, dex, or diesel
What do you do most often when you are bored: these stupid things
What is the last movie you rented: this was a long long time ago... either "urbania" or "all over the guy"
What brand of shoes do you wear: fila, diesel
What kind of clothes do you sleep in: flannel pants, tank top
What are your favourite girl names: alice, eilish, emma, lucia, sandrine
What are your favourite guy names: thatcher, ronan, etienne
What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex: eyes. i always notice eyes on people
What does your room look like: hmmm... don't want to think about it right now
What (was/will be) the best day of your life: pride 2002
What are you listening to about right now: "push the limits" by enigma (from mirror behind the screen)
What colour underwear are you wearing: plaid
What is a deep secret that you could tell: i don't want to say this, i don't think
Who is the coolest person you know: right now, it would have to be nick from the south shore (mostly because i just met him and new people are always the coolest). other than that, vicky and ariel definitely
Who do you wanna marry: i don't know. i do want to get married, though. i can see myself in that situation.
...
posted at 4:43 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, June 07, 2002
music right now: "is this it" by the strokes
so, i think i have an apartment. now comes the design dilemma for today - what should i do, kitschy and camp, or classy and slightly muted. the problem is my tv... it is purple and translucent. that sets the tone for the entire place. so, i am stuck wondering what i want. i could do ikea chic, but that is a little tired and has been done many times before. there are these paper star lanterns at urban outfitters that i want, but the problem is with how i want to decorate the walls. it's more like with what i want to decorate the walls. i originally wanted a mix of black and white photography along with modern art or like degas and cezanne prints. but, will that mix with my television colour? fuck, i cannot believe how one little thing ruins the entire flow that i wanted for my place. plus i'm going to do the whole feng shui thing, so that's another thing i have to worry about. man, this is going to stress me out to no end.
...
posted at 5:10 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, June 06, 2002
music right now: "jackie's strength" by tori amos
i want to learn to play this on piano. absolutely amazing. i've been listening to a lot of tori amos lately, and she consistantly continues to amaze me with every new song i hear of hers. it's incredible. i love her. she's the best female musician alive right now, aside from bjork and natalie imbruglia (note: musician doesn't mean singer, hence kylie still reigns supreme).
so, i'm sitting here, pondering another existential moment within my life. it is getting tiresome indeed. thinking about who i am, what life it, whether i can see it through. fuck, i don't need this. i just want some peace in my life for once. i don't care about change - change is constant change is good change is inevitable. i want to be able to look at myself in the mirror. i can't do it without hating something, some part of it looking back. i'm a mess, and i know it. c'est la vie, n'est-ce pas? yeah.....
...
posted at 10:56 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "graduation song (friends forever)" by vitamin c
i'm sitting here, being nostalgic for high school. the world has truly come to an end. fuck, i have no idea why i'm listening to this song or thinking this way. i guess it's just weird. thinking back on how everything was a year ago - life used to be so incredibly simple. now everything has become a tangled web of relationships. i can't deal sometimes. i think the thing that triggered this was that i got an email from julia, a high school friend. i haven't talked to her in so long. and a rush of memories came back. i looked in my yearbook earlier. what has changed in a year? the world has changed. my world has changed. everything has changed. you would be very hard pressed to find one person on this globe who could say that nothing has changed for them in a matter of 365 small days. i think about all those people i spent so many years in school with. i heard that one guy was arrested for statutory rape. another guy who was a friend of mine (long story) took off to texas and is a total drug addict. two of my friends are engaged and moved in together. people moved from the fort to edmonton. it's incredible the amount of things that shift after that little event called graduation. it's as if it was the big bang - everything exploded and everyone went their separate ways. we're not on auto-pilot anymore. this is life, and as much as i hate to admit it, i have no fucking clue what i'm doing half the time.
music right now: "take a picture" by filter
i wanted this song to be the graduation song for our class. this or "goodbye to romance" by ozzy osbourne. neither were it. in fact, we never had a grad song. the only thing that could come close for me and my friend justin would be "dancing queen" by abba (cute story). yeah. anyway, as i said, i have no fucking idea what i'm doing half the time. for example, it seems that i have a few guys interested in me. this is incredibly flattering, and somewhat out of the ordinary for me, especially as of late. there is sylvain, the cute french guy who makes crazy movies and is an amazing photographer. and then there is nick, the amazingly hot guy from the south shore with a smile that lights up the room and the most magnetic personality i have encountered in a long long long time. and i have no idea what i am doing in either situation. i am just flying by the seat of my pants, hoping that i will find some sort of clue as to what i should do and pray that i do not hurt either. i was thinking, maybe i'm not ready for a relationship right now. of course, it is way too early to be thinking about that sort of thing - fuck, i'm not dating either. but i could be. and i don't want to be doing that with two people at the same time. that doesn't work for me. i need some semblance of a normal life. and i don't have that. not now, at least. what am i to do?????
music right now: "heaven coming down" by the tea party
another song i wanted for our grad song. so, i keep coming back to this question, "what am i going to have to show for myself nine years from now (that would be ten years since graduation)?". will i go to the reunion, which i swore i would never do, and see all these people leading successful lives, and feel like i have accomplished nothing? is life throwing me way too many curve balls that i keep missing them all? i just want some sort of idea what to do with myself, and i do NOT want to hear it from my parents. that is definitely the last thing i need right now. i can't take it. i really need to feel that i am going somewhere instead of being lost in this blizzard that i seem to have found myself in. it's white all around me and i cannot figure out where the fuck i am going. that's exactly how i feel. i wonder if i am the only one who feels like this...
i guess now would be a good time to examine what my plans were in the last year for my future. hmmm... a year ago i wanted to be a film maker and live in england, and have a husband, but no children. i always imagined myself married to a brit, and that i wouldn't talk to anyone from high school and most definitely would NOT go to my high school reunion simply because i did not want to have anything to do with those people. that seems really callous, but that is how i felt at the time.
last fall, after turning 18 and entering university, things began to change. i met people who sort of changed my world view and made me open my eyes to the possibility of other things besides what i had rigidly set out for myself. i went through so many changes of what i was going to major/minor in. it went: sociology to anthropology to poli science and psychology intending on being a lawyer, to wanting to be a doctor, to english literature, and then the minors went from philosophy to german to polish to portuguese to poli sci to spanish. i went from wanting to be a film maker last year to wanting to be an anthropologist (thanks mom for that stupid thought), to a lawyer then doctor, then writer, a bassist in a rock band (this has been a dream for a while), then fashion designer, then world class drag queen, to now, where i have no fucking clue.
so, this leads me to here... what do i want to do? no idea. where do i want to live? maybe england. but then again, i want to live in new zealand, sweden, croatia and iceland too. how the fuck am i going to do this? i don't know. can i? of course. i know i can't live in north america after university is done. that is a given. maybe i should just decide when the time comes, instead of worrying about it now. and i don't know if i want to leave mcgill. i think it was mostly me wanting to get away from here for a while. that is understandable. i am sick of montreal at the moment. but transferring is just going to bring up more problems, and i am definitely not in the mood to have more of those. so, i went from wanting to transfer to f.i.t. in nyc, to ryerson, to the u of a, then to dalhousie, and then to the u of auckland. i need to stay in one place right now. it's not good for me to be all over the fucking planet at this point. i need to have one thing nailed down, and location is definitely it. so, for the forseeable future (just school wise) i am in montreal. i need to get used to that fact. it's not that i hate it here. god no. i just want a change. apart from visiting relatives in chateauguay, i haven't been off the island since christmas. that is a LONG time. i am going to the country (my grandparents cabin) sometime this summer. plus i have to visit ariel in ottawa, and i might get to cape cod and p-town this summer (hopefully). so, that should eliminate any sort of pissy-ness i have about the city.
hmm... where does this leave me? feeling slightly better. i've been writing today. i've definitely do not have writers' block anymore. that is an amazing feeling. i think that i have so much on my mind that i can write so much easier. before now i had been struggling to find some sort of role that i fit into in the bigger picture (aside from what i was bitching about above). like i know who i am. i am a manic depressive, alcoholic, drug addicted, snot-nosed twat who is anorexic, terrible to his parents, a total cunt to any guy who starts to like him, falls in love way too quickly, falls out of love way too slowly, talks to himself incessantly in a british accent, refuses to accept any advice on his future, pathological liar, too lazy to get a job, too tired to do anything, and isn't good enough for anyone. yeah, that's me. i hate it. i hate that i am all those things. i can change some of them, of course. but there are things i can't control. and that is the part that hurts the most.
so, before i get all teary-eyed (fuck i am the emotional equivalent of a 40 year old woman who has her period and whose boyfriend just dumped her for someone fifteen years younger), i am going to go out and jump in front of a car (not literally of course. i couldn't even do that right).
...
posted at 6:05 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
so, i've decided that i need a theme song for today. and through the luck of the draw, "rasputin" by boney m has become it. i just like singing "ra ra rasputin, lover of the russian queen, there was a cat that really was gone, ra ra rasputin, russia's greatest love machine, it was a shame how he carried on". ya. i'm really random right now, so i'm going to go do something constructive.
...
posted at 1:15 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "hallie's song" by eminem
i've listened to two of eminem's songs from his new album ("hallie's song" and "sing for the moment") and i don't hate him anymore. like i was so pissed at him for the misogynistic and homophobic things he said in his other albums, but it seems like he has actually matured and is apologising for things...
and now i'm hearing this song "hey juliet" by lmnt. the WORST song i've heard in a long time. god, this is shit.
hmmm... better. "papa don't preach" by kelly osbourne (madonna cover, of course). love this. she really has an amazing voice.
anyway, back to eminem. i guess he's a different person than what we hear from in the mainstream gay media. god, i've read so many articles in out and the advocate basically tearing him to pieces. now, some of it he deserved, but perhaps he isn't this demon we've been led to believe. so, i guess i don't hate him anymore. i don't like him (his music is a little too angry for my typical tastes). plus when eminem sings, he sounds like a backstreet boy, which is sort of funny, but sort of cute too.
...
posted at 11:48 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, June 05, 2002
music right now: "stop crying your heart out" by oasis
corkin' single from their new album. definitely a candidate for best song of the year, and the best thing i've heard from oasis probably since "wonderwall" or "champagne supernova".
so, i am tired. and not in a good mood. i feel like crap. i might be getting sick again, which depressed the living crap out of me. as well, i feel like i'm run down and have no energy left to do much of anything. that's not good. i stayed over at sylvain's last night. it was nice. he like worships the ground i walk on it seems, and that's a little much to take. i can't take total devotion. but he is extremely sweet and i like him. so, we'll see how things go.
...
posted at 6:02 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, June 04, 2002
music right now: "ný batterí" by sigur rós
i cannot believe i haven't listened to more of this cd. it is absolutely incredible! i swear, this comes close to being the most amazing thing i've ever heard. i bought agætis byrjun last spring, but only listened to bits of it. i was looking for another hun jorð on it and i guess i didn't find it. but it is still amazing. plus the lead singer is cute and gay, so that always helps.
so, i'm reposting my poem. i wrote more and i think it's finished. i may have more yet, but i won't repost those changes just yet, if there are any. so, here it is. oh and it has a title. and again, it is not about anyone. please do not get offended or read too much into it (you know who you are, all you people who read to much into things! lol).
a new anatomy
the rising and falling of your bare chest,
its beautiful pattern of contracting and expanding
only made me wonder "is this for me? does me want me?"
the answer came as a simple shock, as if i had been
thrown into the ocean by the one thing that kept me grounded
i said "you're a mystery when you look at me that way..."
all you did was smile and slowly kiss me, the chill in
your breath - the meaningless notion of it all,
slowly turning me to stone
you whispered in my ear "if you fall i'll catch you"
i believed every word you uttered, letting them wash
over me with an awkward sense of calm
so how come you let me fall
let me plunge into this despair?
i see you with him across the crowded room
wondering what i did wrong, which affliction i managed to exhibit,
whether i slit my own wrists too lightly for your tastes
sliding across to you, making my own little gesture, i see
death in your eyes, hate on your breath
a simple happy greeting on your voice
under it all, you seem to say one thing to me
"you do this to yourself", your eyes carelessly whisper
"i never loved you in the first place -
why do you even like me, i'm not worth it"
i cannot be with you anymore,
i cannot need you anymore; i'm freed from this delusion
it feels like i could scrape the sky
without your love
scarred by your shadow drifting over
over my silky white skin,
you, shifting like a serpent
walking backwards and speaking in foreign tongues
ripping out my heart in a masochistic gaze,
looking into my eyes with nothing but contempt
i need you no longer
i need this no longer
i need me no longer
so i stand here in this suspended animation
thoughts rolling down my dangling arms
as if they were drops of consciousness
flowing... escaping from my numbed mind
i open myself to the world and all they do is stare back
my chest devoid of any beating
my soul
my soul turning to dust as the rain stings my swollen eyes,
my body quivering with regret
and now i see you there, enveloped in your glassy perfection
my mind wrapped up in the sheer possibility
of perhaps being held in your arms one more time
- he'll love me again, i hope
- i saw that look, he still wants me
i imagine that i can feel your soul brushing against mine,
inviting it out to play again in a scene
of eternal bliss
"if you fall i will catch you" your face says
and i drop into the deep dark pool that is your soul
hoping that for once i am right about this - i am right about you
you turns your head ever so slightly
and it's over, we're over, i'm over
and i fall to the floor, rejected by the only person i ever loved like that
the only person i ever gave myself to fully and completely
"how do you recover from something like that?" i wonder
sitting in this tiny little bird cage of mine
singing a sweet song of lost love, of lost innocence,
trying to... having to ignore the hastily hidden bottle of vodka,
the one that i stashed in the dark corner of my room,
the dark corner of my mind, the one i refuse to revisit
the one with my name written in blood
but i dare slink back into that empty place
to have a little nip at the bottle, to kill the pain
"we're all fucking drug addicts" i muse
as the burning fluid mixes with a caucaphony of tiny capsules
thrust upon me by the man in the big chair with his little note pad
"these will take a few weeks to kick in" he amusedly remarked
"well, not any fucking more" i reply to his spectre,
each one washing down into me like a bird of paradise circling a tree
looking for a place to land
i'm looking for a place to land, a place to drop my soul so that it is safe
a place i can rest and get away from the burning sun, my burning sun
the memory of your touch and your gaze - trying to escape it all
"is it better to burn out than to fade away?" i ask
neil young hanging above me.
"well, is it?!" i scream
he takes off on a wing and circles the sky, leaving me to trudge back into consciousness
a tube shoved down my throat
a man in a white coat standing over me
like an apparition that i can't quite seem to shake
maybe he's real, someone whispers from within myself
maybe he's yourself, your ghost, here to take you to hades
ferry you across the styx and throw you down, eternity taking hold
i shut the voices out and peer over at a window
seeing your face there
tears streaming down your cheeks
i try to scream "i'm sorry, i did this for you"
i did this for you, all for you
i did this all for me....
bright, blinding flashes erupt around me,
"if this is the end, i best hold on"
i remark to the orderly feeding me jell-o
the intoxicating cubes bringing about my descent back into lucidity.
the pilot comes on
"we are now approaching reality, please stand by for total submersion"
and a calm rushes towards me, as if i've paid my bill and
am free from any obligation -
to myself, to the world... to you
as you walk back into my frame of mind and state of consciousness
i simply say
"we've come this far, what's stopping me from taking the plunge?"
its rhetorical, we're fucking rhetorical
the touch of your hand upon mine brings me back,
oh yes! it brings me back,
back to an easier place for me to belong; to exist
"i'll be okay" i lie to you and myself
knowing full well that this little private war i
am waging within myself is far from done
but a tenuous grasp of his hand, your hand, upon my
shoulder brings me about...
"i will be okay" i mumble, unsure if these words are
a simple fiction or whether i am
merely delving back into a space i don't belong
one last look in your eyes sends me one message,
"disappear here", and i do
wrapped up in your blanket of artificial joy
smiling as if it were the end of the world.
"it's better the devil you know,
that the angel you don't."
these words come to me, and i let myself fall,
fall back into your arms..
you catch me, hold me, then leave
leave me knowing that you could never feel that way
for me, but at least a piece of me remains
within your tight exterior.
sunlight hits my face, but i do not shrug away.
i let it fill me, and a resolution comes on,
slowly, like an old man walking towards his inevitable death
"sleep now, forever hold this peace within you"
and the crown of stars you placed upon my head allows me
such comfort that i ask you to slip away,
walk that way, to leave me with a smile upon
my cold, pale face
...
posted at 6:13 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "the fear" by travis
so, the comment thing doesn't work. fuck. whatever. anyway, email me! i want to know whether my poem is good or not.
...
posted at 5:06 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
oh, just one last thing - the poem i wrote below is not about anyone. please do not read too much into it! and the spacing messed up, which sucks. i liked my spacing a lot better.
...
posted at 3:33 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "i don't want a lover" by texas
i did it. i actually wrote a poem. and it's good. not like my other stuff. i think my problem with my previous poetry is that it had no direction to flow. this one does. i don't have a title for it though. this is a first. usually i have a title before i even start writing. so, now i have to stick something on that fits. that's going to be really hard. anyway, here it is. i'm not sure if it's finished though. i have more lines i wrote, but i don't know where to put them or whether i actually want to. hmmm... and comment if you like it or hate it. you can comment at the bottom of this post, right next to the time where is says "comments". just click on that and comment! oh, and despite the tone of the poem, i am perfectly happy right now. it's just something that i had to get out.
the rising and falling of your bare chest,
its beautiful pattern of contracting and expanding
only made me wonder "is this for me? does me want me?"
the answer came in a simple shock, as if i had been
thrown into the ocean by the one thing that kept me grounded
i said "your a mystery when you look at me that way..."
all you did was smile and slowly kiss me, the chill in
your breath - the meaningless notion (nature?) of it all,
slowly turning me to stone
you whispered in my ear "if you fall i'll catch you"
i believed every word you uttered, letting them wash
over me with an awkward sense of calm
so how come you let me fall
let me plunge into this despair?
i see you with him across the crowded room
wondering what i did wrong, which affliction i managed to exhibit,
whether i slit my own wrists too lightly for your tastes
sliding across to you, making my own little gesture, i see
death in your eyes, hate on your breath
a simple happy greeting on your voice
under it all, you seem to say one thing to me
you do this to yourself, you said
i never loved you in the first place -
why do you even like me, i'm not worth it
i cannot need you anymore; i'm freed from this delusion
it feels like i could scrape the sky
without your love
scarred by your shadow drifting over
over my silky white skin,
you, shifting like a serpent
walking backwards and speaking in foreign tongues
ripping out my heart in a masochistic gaze,
looking into my eyes with nothing but contempt
i need you no longer
i need this no longer
so i stand here in this suspended animation
thoughts rolling down my dangling arms
as if they were drops of consciousness
flowing... escaping from my numbed mind
i open myself to the world and all they do is stare back
my chest devoid of any beating
my soul
my soul turning to dust as the rain stings my swollen eyes,
my body quivering with regret
and now i see you there, enveloped in your glassy perfection
my mind wrapped up in the sheer possibility
of perhaps being held in your arms one more time
- he'll love me again, i hope
- i saw that look, he still wants me
i imagine that i can feel his soul brushing against mine,
inviting it out to play again in a scene
of eternal bliss
"if you fall i will catch you" his eyes say
and i drop into the deep dark pool that is his soul
hoping that for once i am right about this - i am right about him
he turns his head ever so slightly
and it's over, we're over, i'm over
and i fall to the floor, rejected by the only person i ever loved like that
the only person i ever gave myself to fully and completely
how do you recover from something like that? i wonder
i sit in this tiny little bird cage of mine
singing a sweet song of lost love, of lost innocence,
trying to... having to ignore the hastily hidden bottle of vodka,
the one that i stashed in the dark corner of my room,
the dark corner of my mind, the one i refuse to revisit
the one with my name written in blood
but i dark slink back into that place
to have a little nip of the bottle, to kill the pain
"we're all fucking drug addicts" i muse
as the burning fluid mixes with a caucaphony of tiny capsules
thrust upon me by the man in the big chair with his little note pad
"these will take a few weeks to kick in" he amusedly remarked
"well, not any fucking more" i reply to his spectre,
each one washing down into me like a bird of paradise circling a tree
looking for a place to land
i'm looking for a place to land, a place to drop my soul so that it is safe
a place i can rest and get away from the burning sun, my burning sun
the memory of your touch and your gaze - trying to escape it all
"is it better to burn out than to fade away?" i ask
neil young hanging above me.
"well, is it?!" i scream
he takes off on a wing and circles the sky, leaving me to trudge back into consciousness
a tube shoved down my throat
a man in a white coat standing over me
like an apparition that i can't quite seem to shake
maybe he's real, someone whispers from within myself
maybe he's yourself, your ghost, here to take you to hades
ferry you across the styx and throw you down, eternity taking hold
i shut the voices out and peer over at a window
seeing your face there
tears streaming down your cheeks
i try to scream "i'm sorry, i did this for you"
i did this for you, all for you
i did this all for me....
Reading: The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism
Naomi Klein God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
Christopher Hitchens Copenhagen
Time Out City Guides
Seeing: Juno
Jason Reitman Annie Hall
Woody Allen There Will Be Blood
Paul Thomas Anderson
Listening to: Boxer
The National The Fountain: OST
Clint Mansell In Rainbows
Radiohead
