music right now: "taking chances" by abra moore

i just watched felicity. not only is it the best show ever, it always makes me think. at the end of the episode "the graduate", felicity and ben got together. it made me cry, of course, but it made me think even more. where will i be in three years? even though i will be still fairly young, i really want to have something to settle down for. i know i don't want to live in canada - i've had that decided for years. but, if i find someone here that i want to spend the rest of my life with, and they are either still in school or permanently "tied" here, would i abandon my dream? i cannot honestly say, and its sort of tearing me apart. just like felicity had to choose between following ben to arizona and her own future, will i have to do the same? i probably will my heart tells me. and i cannot truly answer that question right now. but where will i be emotionally, mentally, physically... in three years? time will only tell. i hope that i will have graduated from mcgill, with my b.a. in (maybe honours) english lit and minors in russian and hispanic languages. grad school? i have a few choices: university of manchester (uk), university of auckland (nz) or maybe even a russian university, though i'm not too sure about living in moscow or st-petersburg. it would be a tale to tell, for sure. i hope i continue to be the person i am, someone whom i can fully respect, have come to actually like, and can face in the mirror day after day, year after year. to love the wrinkles and smile lines which are starting to show themselves on my face, the marks of years gone by. most of all, i hope to make everyone proud of me. my mum and grandparents and family keep on telling me how proud they are that i am at mcgill and that its such a great school and all. everything is great for me right now. i have a job. i'm learning (i'm always doing that, which is one of the saving graces of life). overall, i look back at who i was when i first moved into my dorm room last 27 august, 2001. i was a scared semi-in the closet gay boy, wondering whether to just play it str8 and narrow, or to actually show the world who i was. cynical and angry, conditions which i harboured and nurtured throughout my brief and tortuous tenure in high school. i was not a good person, to say the least. teenage angst my ass. i was a fucking asshole. now i'm happy. hurrah! like on josie and the pussycats, i feel like melody. she's so hyper and happy! its great! and by the way, white is the new black. just had to say that. anyway, i'm ready for the next three years. bring them on. i am prepared for anything they'll throw my way. i've survived so much shit in my life that three years of university is a cakewalk

... posted at 9:44 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...