music right now: 'cue the pulse to begin' by the burnside project
hurrah for days off. i love the fact that i don't have to worry about anything at all. i can sit around and do dick all for hours on end and not have to feel guilty about it. i work tomorrow at 2.30 (to 10.30, blah), but at least i can stay up late.
hahah and now i have nothing left to say. i am content. that's a good thing as martha stewart would say.
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posted at 5:49 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'crush' by paul van dyk ft. second sun
oh man i feel a lot better about things in general right now. yesterday and today were super tough. it felt like it was one thing after another. i can deal with one crisis at a time, but when it is one thing after another then that's another story.
so, i found out two interesting things tonight:
a) apparently i am the pissed off guy because when i go clubbing i look like i am angry. it's not that at all actually, i just kind of take things in and it ends up that i forget not to look like i want to kill someone. i dislike that i look like that when at clubs and i HAVE to change it.
b) i think i found out partially why joseph (adam's ex) hates me. it's apparently because he reads this (?). i don't know how to respond, because i honestly don't hate him. i never have. i actually always thought he was hot. but i guess i gave off the wrong impression. oops!
anyway, i went to unity, being depressed and all, and i saw adam. things just didn't feel right for me, but i wanted to talk to him. so i just left, and sms'ed him asking if we could talk. i didn't want to pull him away from his night out, and if i did i am a moron, but the talk really helped. things were put in perspective and i think i feel better about myself. this summer should be all about me helping myself become who i want to be. that's what it will be about. i need to stop hating myself and blaming myself for everything or else i am going to end up in an early grave.
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posted at 2:53 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, May 29, 2004
music right now: 'christmas song' by mogwai
i should have known that watching this past week's queer as folk episode (which i missed due to being in toronto) was going to be a big mistake. i cried. and cried. and cried some more. and then i had to watch an episode of something else to make me happy. alas, star trek: the next generation just didn't do it for me.
i've been taking the break-up with adam a lot harder than i initially thought. at first i felt like it was going to be a good thing, that i would be able to focus more on myself and get to a place where i feel good and free and can see a future for myself before placing someone in that future. but now i just feel like something is gone that i really miss. i hate restraining myself from calling him or sms'ing him. i miss him. ugh, i wish it were easier. i know, we were only together for like two months, but, as we both agreed, the relationship really was going somewhere. when that was derailed, i don't know. he doesn't know. i just wish we could try again. i'm not going to bother thinking about it because he's leaving at the end of summer. when he will be coming back i will be leaving montréal for good. maybe this is stupid. i should be happy. i should look forward to things. instead i just feel like crying.
maybe i should sleep. i am still sick. blah.
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posted at 6:50 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, May 28, 2004
music right now: 'harbour' by moby ft. sinead o'connor
so, after the break-up last night i began to feel progressively better about things and i feel fairly good right now. i can't look at this as a negative, i have to stay positive. now i have the opportunity to focus solely on myself and what i need. it's weird being single again, as it always is, but honestly i don't want another relationship for a long long time. i am too exhausted right now to deal with another one.
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posted at 3:16 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
it's over. adam and i broke up. some people (his ex) will be happy about it. i am not. i don't know how to even describe how i feel. it's not good.
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posted at 3:16 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, May 27, 2004
just thought i would mention a great song i have been listening to: 'es tut immer noch weh' by rosenstolz. it sounds like a german version of... hmmm i can't quite put my finger on it. but it's a great song.
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posted at 3:53 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'je cours' by kyo
so i was in toronto again this past weekend. i worked saturday until 5.00, so kyle picked me up from work and we drove down. aside from the torrential rain on the 401 all the way from brockville to scarborough, it was an uneventful drive. we got in about 10.00, which given the conditions in which we travelled was pretty amazing.
janos came over around 11.00 while we got ready at julia's place where we were staying, and after a little pre-drinking we headed out to buddy's. i love that club. i know, lots of people love the clubs in montreal, but the ones in toronto seem smaller and more intimate. you can actually talk to people without having to scream over the music, and i don't know if it is just me, but people in toronto are on the whole generally more friendly than the ones in the clubs here (i think it is because french boys can be snobby bitches).
anyway i saw brad, who i haven't seen in forever. it was nice to actually see him, even if it was only for a short time. i do miss that boy. i can't help but think that at this time last year i was living with him, and all the shenanigans that ensued during that period.
that night i crashed at janos' place which was cool. i don't know kyle's friend julia really, so it was good to have some sort of familiarity. janos was soooo proud of his new jacket he bought a few days before. it was this black leather jacket with white around the zippers and up the arms. it looked great on him.
the next day i went shopping in the eaton centre with kyle, rich, allan and their friend matt (who's an aussie). it was rather boring, and that coupled with the shite weather kind of made it boring. kyle made supper (he's a great cook, which i keep on being reminded of), and we prepared to go out. he felt sick from the night previous but we went anyway. that night he was to meet a couple and basically fuck. i was hanging out with janos again. we ended up at woody's. at one point these four people kept on pointing at me and talking about me, which i found really weird. i chose to believe they were checking me out, because otherwise i would be depressed and shit. blah.
the next day we ended up deciding to leave to come back here. the trip was hastily planned and we couldn't stay at julia's that night. so we went for dinner at zelda's with this guy, mike, that kyle met last time we were in TO. the dinner was good, and this waiter was totally checking me out all the time. i know, i have a boyfriend, but it's nice to have someone who isn't linked to me through a relationship looking at me. it reaffirms that i actually look good to people (and not the ones who love me for what's inside as well).
after we tried to figure out what to do. i didn't want to see a film, but mike and kyle did. so we reached a compromise: kyle would buy me a martini at babylon and then we'd go to a film. so we did. we ended up seeing shrek 2, which i hated, and then mike had to head back to hamilton. i got a call from janos, and to make a long story short we ended up at lee's palace with janos and his boss (who is the spitting image of david brent, the boss on 'the office'). aside from the dj who loved gay guys, the club blew. then we headed back here. i know, not the most interesting read, but i have the flu. i woke up yesterday morning feeling like death. ugh.
so, things kind of have been challenging the way i view things lately. i've gotten over the whole 'i have amazing taste in everything' type attitude i normally take. i guess i just got sick of hating stuff other people hate. it's destructive, after all, i am not the centre of the universe.
and relationships. the whole idea of monogamy has been one i have been thinking about. after seeing kyle and the couple (who are married), i have begun to wonder if monogamy is really real, or just a constraint we put on ourselves, a safeguard against disappointment and jealousy. i am not advocating fucking around or cheating, and i haven't done it, so don't read between the lines, but i am just wondering how realistic an expectation it is.
adam has been great. he brought me orange juice and tylenol flu today. i was so happy, i haven't had a boyfriend ever do anything like that for me. things have been a little rocky but i am glad that we can work through them instead of just ending things.
toronto, i don't know what i can say about that city. i really love it. i hear people slag it off all the time and i don't understand the reasoning. it has vibrancy, nice people, a very cool skyline and stuff to do. it's great. when we got out of the movie theatre after shrek 2 we were on richmond and john, and right in front of us was the CN tower. that has to be the coolest building ever. i was so incredibly impressed. and i get this feeling that i don't know where i am going career-wise or relationship-wise, but i am moving to toronto next may. i can't stay here, i don't know french, and i need to get away from the university experience. it's like high school: when it is over it's best to move on. and that's what i intend to do.
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posted at 1:52 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
as i wait for something to download, i've decided to see if i can write out my top ten favourite songs. this may get a bit long, but i am bored. rule: no more than one song per artist (to keep things fair).
- 'all is full of love' by björk
- 'hun jörð' by sigur rós
- 'disintegration' by the cure
- 'clarity' by john mayer
- 'allison' by slowdive
- 'in your room' by depeche mode
- 'building a mystery' by sarah mclachlan
- 'stumble away' by david bridie
- 'carribean blue' by enya
- 'sleeping with ghosts' by placebo
there are too many more to name.
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posted at 3:54 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
fucking people, that is all that i can say. where the hell do people get off talking behind my back about my relationship. if you are reading this you know who you are. fuck you. i honestly don't know where you get your information but you are wrong. you don't know jack so shut your mouth.
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posted at 12:19 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
music right now: 'cue the pulse to begin' by the burnside project
i have watched 'queer as folk' since the first episode. before that i saw every episode of both british series (QAF and QAF2). last night's episode reminded me why i started watching the programme in the first place. i don't know, some people really hate it, saying that it shows gays/lesbians in a stereotypical and not so flattering light. frankly i disagree, i think it shows us in a real way, the way that some of us are. i know people who could be any one of those characters on that show. i don't need to stretch my imagination to place a name to the character. and then i look at other queer representations in the media today. we have 'will and grace'. i am more offended by the representation of both jack and will in that show than i would be of anything on 'queer as folk'. neither of them can hold down a job. will has become a charicature over the years. jack is seen as being incredibly stupid and flippant about everything from his career choice (student nurse, etc...) to his relationships. i like the show, mind you, but on a scale of what is a good representation or role model for young queer people, i'd rather have them see real people rather than charicatures. the first two seasons of 'will and grace' were the former. now it's become the latter.
anyway, back to 'queer as folk'. i watch every episode and enjoy them. i know, some of the subplots have become lame, but still, it's refreshing to know that there is a safe space on the television for us. when i was in high school it was the only representation of queer people that i knew. i had no gay/lesbian friends. there was nothing. i was alone. but watching that show made me realise that i wasn't alone, that i didn't have to feel bad about myself, that if i got the fuck out of alberta i could be myself and not have to worry.
and here i am. i don't have to worry about holding my boyfriend's hand while walking down the street. it's still a political act, i know, and i don't like that, but i am comfortable doing it.
when i was walking home on sunday night i had two cars drive by and someone yell 'faggot' out the window. that is the first time i've heard that in a long long long long time. but i just yelled back. at least i could do that.
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posted at 3:17 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, May 17, 2004
music right now: 'beautiful' by sarah brightman
after the absolutely fucked up nature of last night's events i am glad that today has been quiet and rather mundane. no more drama in my life.
i was thinking about the episode of 'friends' today in which phoebe and monica had cut a woman out of their lives, and how phoebe had tried to do that to monica once. i think i may have a similar situation on my hands. i don't know, but it may be for the best.
i've decided to make some major changes in my life. i feel better about them already. hopefully they will add up to something constructive.
i can't be friends with ex's anymore. some that i am friends with i will stay friends with. but this is a rule from now on. just because we had something and it ended does not mean that i need to prolong it by making up some friendship that may fill that gap. either way it causes pain.
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posted at 4:36 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, May 16, 2004
music right now: 'clarity' by john mayer
i was the worst film ever tonight: 'new york minute'. this proves that my obsession with the city has gone way way way too far. addiction is dangerous! it makes you do stupid things! i am rather upset with myself. i should have just flushed my money down the toilet, it was that bad.
adam pretended that he hated that. i don't like that. if he liked it then it's okay, i don't think any less of him. i think i tried to tell him that, but it didn't come out so eloquently.
i have realised that i don't trust myself. i always do stupid things that fuck everything over. the worst is when you have your ex telling you that quote 'i will kill you if you fuck things up with adam.' believe me, that is the last thing i want to do right now, i don't need jeff to remind me of that fact.
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posted at 2:25 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, May 14, 2004
music right now: 'weapon' by matthew good
i've been thinking a lot today about things. oh no, you are thinking, not another one of those posts. well whatever. i am ambivalent towards a lot of things. the more things seem to change the more they seem to stay the same. blah. fucking hell, i am frusterated for what seems like no reason, but here i am frusterated. i can't change that feeling, can i?
i have one year left in montréal. i won't even be living in the same province at this time next year. i think i keep disappointing myself on so many levels because i put all this importance on major events happening within time periods. like this summer: i have done very little, and i feel like i am wasting it. but the next year is really scary. i've never been without some sort of safety net. i came here fully aware of the fact that i had four years to find myself, four years to do school and figure out where i want to go with my life. all i have now is a handful of unfulfilled dreams and a large debt. wow, what a ride.
i admit that i did find myself, and i can look in the mirror today and say that i like what i see to a major extent. but i am still fighting against things. i want to be a major success in whatever i do. i have to stop being content with doing things half-assed like i have been for a while. i need to get some sort of fucking motivation to actually do something that i want to, instead of just being all talk and no action.
i feel like i am in an episode of 'felicity', constantly making and remaking the same mistakes over and over and over again like she does. but then my mind wanders back to the whole ben-noel dynamic and i realise i don't have that complication. i don't have that to occupy my time, to send me off into some existential crisis. instead i manufacture them myself and just stand back when they blow up in my face.
blah!!!!!!!!
so now it is time to lay out my options, put it all down and just see what i want, where i think i will go.
i am moving to toronto next year. that is a pretty much dead certainty (unless i magically get a really well paying job here, and even then i probably wouldn't want to stay).
what will i do there?
a) go to humber for a year in creative writing
- what i've always wanted to do, write
- very little opportunity in the field in canada
- impossible to make a living as solely a writer in this country
b) go to humber for a year in their post-grad PR programme
- very good programme, with placement in the field
- i'm not assertive enough, i need to work on that
- gives me the opportunity to do things i never thought i would want to/be able to
c) get a job
- giving up my dreams just to pay the rent and support my clubbing habit
which do i choose?
probably b. i need to get myself to a place in my life (i.e. emotional level) in which i could do well in PR.
this is going to be harder than expected.
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posted at 3:06 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, May 13, 2004
is it just me, or should a company that uses a specific song in their commercial be aware of what the song was actually written about? or is this just an afterthought in advertising?
there has been this really annoying commercial for some medication in which the horrid sixpence none the richer version of 'there she goes' is used as background music. aside from the fact that the song is a horrible cover of the infinitely better original (done by the la's), the song is about MARGARET THATCHER, not birth control. my god, do your fucking research people!
as i was coming back from the depanneur in the elevator this old man told this young girl a really funny anecdote. and frankly it's the funniest thing i've heard in a while. he was like 'while i was a provigo there, they asked me why i was dressed up in this suit.' (he was in a suit, an ugly maroon one, but a suit nonetheless) 'i told them at the prices in this supermarket i had to dress up.'
i just stood there, laughing to myself. very funny.
oh god, my life is sad.
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posted at 4:32 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
i just finished watching the remake of 'the texas chainsaw massacre' a few minutes ago and i cannot believe i actually watched that film the entire way through. i must be a masochist, i honestly feel sick to my stomach right now. never have i seen anything as fucking disturbing as that. i just don't understand how someone can make a film like that and think that it is entertainment. it's sick. that coupled with that disgusting video that was on ctv news (the one of the american having his head cut off.... they didn't show it but what i saw was too much), i just don't know how the fuck we continue to live any longer. people are fucks, sick disgusting fucks. i cannot believe it. i think i am having a breakdown, i just want to cry. why did i watch that film?
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posted at 3:57 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, May 10, 2004
i watched 'once were warriors' earlier tonight on the independent film channel. if you haven't had the opportunity to see it, it's an amazing and powerful film (unfortunately the director, lee tamahori, has made crap as of late, such as 'die another day'). it's interesting, because the film is such a statement about new zealand culture and how the maori way of life has been changed and placed in the modern context. one can only hope that it isn't going to be that way forever. looking at the way in which our government has treated our native peoples in this country (i am part miq'maq, so this is something i feel strongly about), it makes me ashamed. and a film like this makes me realise how much european nations degraded and destroyed peoples' cultures all over the planet. it makes me ashamed to be caucasian, it makes me ashamed to be english, it makes me ashamed to think that perhaps part of my family helped destroy proud people who once were warriors.
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posted at 3:10 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, May 09, 2004
so, i want to be a child prodige. i hate the fact that i never played piano or violin, that i never took dance lessons, that i was never encouraged to do anything artistic like that. my mum never had the time to allow me to indulge in things that i wanted to. my brother, on the otherhand, always had a ride to soccer. i think it was because i was a flippant child, always changing my mind on what i wanted to do. but i always wanted to play the violin. i wish i had been allowed to, i still want to play it.
why am i thinking of this? because of esteban cortazar. i saw a profile of his newest collection on fashion tv (which i am currently addicted to) and aside from the fact that he is fucking hot (and i mean FUCKING HOT), he is 19 and has already done four shows. why can't that be me?
oh well, maybe i will finish my book and get it out in the next few years. that's my plan anyway.
i remember when i first decided that i don't believe in a god. i was probably about eleven and i was laying in my bed. after years and years of praying for random things i just stopped. i stopped believing and i fell asleep that night and i haven't believed since.
people tried to convert me (in the hell that was catholic high school) but they all failed. i realised that they would preach about how they were 'god's children' and accept everyone, but it's just one big fucking act. roman catholics (in general, there are of course exceptions) are complete hypocrits when it comes to the bible. you can't say that you believe in the book and pick and choose what you believe and don't. it doesn't work that way.
i think my initial step towards atheism was originally based on arrogance. i was smarter than everyone in my class at that time and i guess i just stopped believing in order to spite them. in the end it just made sense. i cannot possibly believe in an all knowing and all seeing being that watches us from above. i cannot believe that this was all written down in some book by humans who acted as a conduit and that these words are the 'divine' words of a god. it's bullshit. i am sorry, but you cannot possibly believe that the attitudes and biases of those writers were not inserted into those texts. it's unfathomable that it did not occur that way.
i am an atheist. it is just my belief.
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posted at 10:02 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'samskeyti' by sigur rós
the finale of 'friends' was tonight. i know a lot of people are going to say that they hated it, and that it was like the finale of 'sex and the city' (which it was) but i felt it was right. there was just something in that episode that the show over the last two years has lacked. i don't know what it is. i haven't been a regular watcher since my first year of uni. things just took over. thursday became the get drunk and go out night. telly fell by the wayside (which could be considered a good thing). but now that 'friends' is over i look back and remember all these events that coincided with the show. it's scary how such a little thing like entertainment acts as a reflection of your past. where you were, how you felt, what was going on in your life.
i remember in grade seven in french class. we were asked en français what our favourite programme was. the fight in the class was between 'the simpsons' and 'friends'. i of course chose 'ellen' as my favourite, which it was at the time (this was the year before her coming out episode). but just thinking back it reminds me that such small things are what shape our consciousness, are what make us the people we are. the power of the programme is vastly underestimated. and at the end of the day, when i think back to all the hours i spent watching 'friends', i don't regret it. i'm sad that the show is over, it was a one of a kind, something that i really enjoyed for years. perhaps it was time to let go. but then again we always want one more minute.
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posted at 3:25 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
music right now: 'irish blood, english heart' by morrissey
so, monthiversary. adam and i have been together for a month as of today (officially, we've been dating longer, but not as a couple). things are going very well, and i am happy about it all. this is a good thing.
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posted at 1:57 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, May 03, 2004
music right now: 'you're not alone' by olive
i am bored at the moment. my summer vacation has been on for at least two days and i have done very little. i call it my 'vacation' period, in which i sit around and suck in everything i possibly can about new york. new york state of mind i tells ya. i don't know why i am in such an NYC mood, i guess it's just because i have become bored of montréal. it's weird, i shouldn't be, but it's because i haven't seen that much of the city, and the parts that i have seen (the ghetto, some of the plateau, downtown, the village) have all bored me to tears by now. maybe i should start exploring. this is my last summer in this city, i should make it exciting.
i will be living in toronto a year from now (barring an act of god, or anything else that may change my plans). it's weird, time is ticking out. i never thought i would be where i am right now. i am content with my life most of the time, but i keep repeating this mantra that 'i deserve the best', which i am beginning to believe that i do. it's a good thing. i grew up never believing that. not that my mum made me feel like i don't, it was my father who always did that. i wanted to go to europe. he berated me, wondering why the hell i wanted to go there. i wanted to be an astronaut. he laughed at me, saying i didn't have the courage (basically saying i wasn't man enough). i wanted to come to mcgill. he wanted me to compromise and go into engineering. and people wonder why i don't speak to him. it's so not worth it. he's not worth it. i deserve better from a person who gave me 26 chromosomes. funny, that's all that he ever gave me.
i have a good feeling about doing the PR programme at humber. it feels like something that i should have known about a long time ago and aimed for that. i am still writing, always will, it's just now i have gotten rid of that stupid childish notion that i would be able to survive as a writer in canada solely off my writing. not even michael ondaatje does that! and well all know how amazing he is. so yes, i will write, it will be done, but i am going into PR so i can eat and buy fendi. hallelujah.
i am debating what i should do for the next few hours before i go to work. perhaps i will sit and listen to music more. perhaps i won't. i don't fucking know. i want to start my summer reading. i can't do that until i buy a new book though. i've been (slowly) reading 'looking for alibrandi' by melina marchetta. i am not really into it yet. that's hopefully not a sign of things to come. apparently it's huge in aus, like i mean huge. daniel keeps telling me that everyone he knows has read it at one point. it's a phenomena. well then.
i need more new york music. i've been trying to make a playlist of songs that scream 'NEW YORK!' at me, but it is very small.
so far it includes:
'clarity' by john mayer
'go or go ahead' by rufus wainwright
'i can't see new york' by tori amos
wow, quite the playlist don't ya think? i need suggestions. i need comments. damnit, someone must read this.
hahah i am out of it today. i blame it on the complete lack of doing anything constructive that has characterised my life over the past two days. perhaps i should go do something. or maybe i am being way too hard on myself. i just finished my third year of uni and i should let myself just enjoy the feeling. but it's weird, the only feeling i get is an uneasy one. i have no idea what these next four months are going to be. last summer will be extremely hard to top. maybe that's a sign that i should be active in making this one better.
in another underwhelming moment, when i said goodbye to vicky on saturday i really wasn't hit with a wave of emotion like i think i should have been. i blame it on the fact that i was blinded by sleep at the time. i do miss her already. damnit, this is going to be a long four months. at least we are living together in the autumn. i am super excited about that.
i need to get involved in organising some fabo party. maybe i should volunteer for the farha foundation next year with their fashion sale event thing-y they have. or maybe something a little smaller. i need this experience. hmmmmm, i need to get my ass moving.
Reading: The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism
Naomi Klein God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
Christopher Hitchens Copenhagen
Time Out City Guides
Seeing: Juno
Jason Reitman Annie Hall
Woody Allen There Will Be Blood
Paul Thomas Anderson
Listening to: Boxer
The National The Fountain: OST
Clint Mansell In Rainbows
Radiohead
