i haven't changed my favourite film in years. 'the sweet hereafter' has stood the test of time. until tonight. i saw 'garden state' with phillipe. i just don't know how to describe it, i just know that it was the best thing i have ever seen. i cry, i smile, i just feel when i think of certain parts of it.
everything will be fine.
don't let go.
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posted at 4:19 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, August 22, 2004
music right now: 'transatlanticism' by death cab for cutie
i found it, the song from the bell commercial. i downloaded the death cab for cutie album, 'transatlanticism,' because i was interested in what it was like. i never knew this song was on it. i nearly started bawling my eyes out when it came on for some reason.
i've had a very emotionally draining weekend. everything is coming to an end. this was my last summer, the last chance at many things, probably for the rest of my life. after this everything changes. after this i am entering the real world and hoping that all the practice i've had up until now, all the mistakes i've made, all that stuff comes together and helps me to exist in this world instead of collapsing under the weight of it all.
for some reason everything just seems different right now. something has shifted in my life and i am not really sure what it means. this imperceptible shift has taken over, kind of built itself to a dizzying crescendo that all i could do today was ignore my mobile and lay around, thinking. maybe it has a bit to do with the fact that i have had an extreme allergic reaction to meds i was on, but i don't think so.
i saw marc twice this weekend. friday night. saturday night. i am so fucking scared of him for some reason. last night all i could think was that i am not good enough for him and never will be. i have felt that so many times in my life, i don't know why. i wish i was at a point where i could accept myself as others view me, and not as i see myself. i know that i have a severe self-esteem problem, but nothing can really change that for the better.
but ya, i am scared of him not just because of that, but because i have no idea who i am to him. that is the world feeling in the world, i just don't know how to deal with the fact that i may be feeling one thing and yet it could be completely different for him.
too many emotions right now.
last night i saw nick (ex-bf) at unity, and for the first time i realised that i never really knew him. fuck when that relationship ended i was torn in two for the longest time. but last night i realised i never really knew him that well, that for all the emotion i had for him it never really was enough. maybe it never will be.
do we ever really get to know anyone else in this life? i am constantly hounded by that question. i hope the answer is yes, but it's too soon to tell.
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posted at 9:53 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
music right now: 'so beautiful' by pete murray
ugh my sleep pattern is fucked royally. oh well. i just woke up after sleeping for a few hours and felt like writing. i feel kind of weird right now, unsure where i am headed. things have been changing so rapidly that it's hard to keep track of them.
i received a post card in the post from vicky today. it was nice to hear from her again, i really miss her and cannot wait to see her again.
the next few weeks are going to be such an incredible rush that i am not sure that i will have the energy to start school when the time comes.
what's happening?
brenden is coming next monday for a few days. that should be great. i am really excited to see how things go.
my mum is coming on saturday with my little sister. that will be a lot of running around. but i get my b-day present (a digital camera) so i am super excited about that.
mikey is staying over a couple of days because his subletters suck. i cannot wait to see him again, it's been far too long.
vicky comes back soon too. yay!
so much to do, so little time.
and i keep thinking of a certain someone, wondering what he is dreaming. maybe i should be doing that too.
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posted at 3:25 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, August 14, 2004
the best dance song of the year: 'come and get it' by dannii minogue. pure unadulterated genius!
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posted at 9:24 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'first breath after coma' by explosions in the sky
last night at unity was an experience. i felt so sick at first, but my stomach calmed down and everything was good. what happened after reaffirmed the good things about my relationship with adam. i love how in the car ride home he knew which songs i'd like. he knows me better than most people.
that relationship has formed me in a few different ways. i know what i want from a relationship. i know where i am headed in the future. and i know that i don't want to lose touch with him.
that's a common theme in my life right now, keeping in touch with people. i've found some amazing people in life that keep me tethered in reality and that makes me infinitely more happy about things. i can take pleasure in knowing that if i never find someone to be with for life that i have surrounded myself with people that constantly inspire and excite me on a daily basis.
today i went for coffee with marc, a boy i met at unity on wednesday. it went extremely well. i'm excited to see where this goes.
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posted at 7:51 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, August 13, 2004
music right now: 'gabriel' by lamb
tonight i had one of the most important conversations of my life, with my brother. we never were very close when i was younger. we're complete opposites in many ways, but in other ways we are the exact same. he asked me the one question i never thought i would hear: 'why didn't you tell me?'. why didn't i tell him i am gay? because i was scared. moreso than anyone else i have told. why? because he is the only person in this world that has a similar genetic structure to me. he's the only person with the same parents as me. he's the only person who's rejection would have killed me a million times over.
he wants to keep in touch, to be close. i want that too.
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posted at 11:51 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, August 06, 2004
music right now: 'symmetry' by mew
films i MUST see in the next two weeks:
a) maria full of grace
b) collateral
c) a home at the end of the world
d) code 46
e) alien vs. predator
just needed to get that out of my system before i forget about it.
so, i have had a crazy little vacation. my party for my birthday was better than i could have ever imagined. the only thing that could have made it any better would have been if two people i love had been there, alas they weren't but i still thought about them (you know who you are).
the next two days of pride were amazing. it ended up being one of the best weekends of my life. great people, lots of fun, and despite the fact i drank too much and got sick on saturday, just the whole entire weekend taken as one whole was worth it.
nothing is happening with emmanuel. i think it's more my fault than anything, i always get ahead of myself and let my feelings get in the way. i think i am way to idealistic and naive when it comes to love. i know exactly what i want, how i want it to feel, how it should be, but it never happens that way and i end up hurt. i haven't written anything with him off completely, but it's not happening any time soon.
i saw this programme on mtv canada, 'true life: i am gay and i'm getting married,' twice so far, and i plan on watching it again tomorrow. there is just something about it that gives me hope. i have slowly watched myself become more jaded about life and love. i know it does exist out there, fuck if it didn't the whole institution of marriage would not exist, but i just feel at times that i won't find it.
i'm impatient, i know, i have always known that. it's not the point. seeing those two couples get married just gave me such hope that perhaps that will be me one day that it's all i can do to move forward. hope is all i have. i cannot become jaded. i've fought so many things in my life, this should just be another challenge to me. the problem is that i see myself losing it on days.
vicky called me a few days ago and we talked about what relationship styles we are right now. i mentioned how i feel like i am a charlotte that is slowly becoming a miranda. i don't want that; as much as i like the character of miranda, i do not want to be like her. i want to be fully able to give myself to someone when i find them, instead of having to deal with my distrust and jaded feelings.
Reading: The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism
Naomi Klein God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
Christopher Hitchens Copenhagen
Time Out City Guides
Seeing: Juno
Jason Reitman Annie Hall
Woody Allen There Will Be Blood
Paul Thomas Anderson
Listening to: Boxer
The National The Fountain: OST
Clint Mansell In Rainbows
Radiohead
