i am officially going to hell.... i am listening to hilary duff. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
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posted at 2:15 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, March 29, 2004
music right now: 'clarity' by john mayer
this weekend was good, this past week was good. i am having fun hanging out with adam. i don't know where things are going, but i feel very comfortable with him; it's something i haven't felt in forever. it's funny, he met kyle last night, and all that kyle could say was that adam talks a lot. which is true, but when i am with him it's like one long neverending conversation, we just keep going on and on. whether it was me drawing little maps for him in harveys or browsing music in HMV, there was always something we were talking about. i love that, i have had relationships that have had not a lot of conversation and there was always that element lacking. i haven't felt this excited about a boy in a very very long time, not since i first started dating nick. either i am just infatuated with him, or we are connecting really well. it's great. and we are watching 'johnny english' on wednesday, which i have been dying to see. hurrah!
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posted at 2:40 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, March 26, 2004
so i registered for my last year of classes yesterday. as of right now, these are the classes i am taking:
fall-
PHIL 375 - existentialism
JWST 387 - jewish authors (counts as an english class, which is nice)
PHIL 353 - pre-socratic philosophers
SOCI 222 - urban sociology
RUSS 401 - advanced russian
the alternatives
SOCI 377 - deviance
PHYS 200 - space, time, and matter
winter-
PHIL 460 - major philosophers
ENGL 418 - modernists: ezra pound
PHIL 354 - plato
ARTH 345 - german architecture
RUSS 401 - advanced russian
alternative
GEOG 315 - urban transportation geography
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posted at 11:43 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'in my own time' by delta goodrem
so i am off to lunch with adam. this is like the fourth time i have seen him in the past week, so it should be fun :-)
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posted at 11:38 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
well, it's been two weeks since i've been to toronto, and kyle and i are already planning on going back, probably the weekend of the 23rd to 25th. yay!
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posted at 10:49 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
toronto, the end
so, kyle and i went to eaton centre that afternoon after he woke up. there he called brad and the plan was for brad to meet us. after walking around for what seemed like hours we wandered into indigo. i LOVE that store. not just because it is filled with books, but because of the design of it and the feeling. it's absolutely gorgeous. i found maisonneuve, a magazine i applied to but failed to be hired by. oh well, i'll try again.
then kyle decided he wanted shoes. so we went around to all the shoe stores in the place, first capezio, aldo, stoneridge, then finally transit where he found a pair he wanted. brad still hadn't rang kyle back so we went down to hmv in the lowest level of the place and parused through the cds. i found one i wanted, but refrained from buying it because my money was running out quickly.
we left the store and kyle tried to get me to sit by a fountain, and when i wouldn't the jig was up - brad was coming to surprise me. it was great! i have missed him, and hadn't seen him in months. he brought his new boyfriend greg who is very hot, and it was a great surprise. then we went to the food court so kyle could eat. despite his massive protest against fast food he ate at A&W anyway, and we sat and watched.
i wanted to go to H&M and the only open one in toronto then was in fairview mall, so we hopped on the TTC and headed up the university line to sheppard/yonge station and then took the sheppard line to don mills. the store was awesome! they had soooo much cool stuff. if only i had money to spend, i would have bought a lot. then and there i vowed to save and go back and spend like $200. it will happen, one day.
we walked around fairview, which was a decent mall, but nothing too exciting. i was tired, kyle was tired, greg and brad were tired, so we left. the TTC ride back to dundas was really quite quick. the whole way brad complained about it and how montr?al's m?tro is so much better, but i disagree. i love toronto's TTC, and i love toronto. it's more my style. if there is one thing i took away from the weekend, it's that i enjoy the pace of life more in toronto than montr?al. here everyone is trying to out-do everyone else. i fucking hate that.
so we got back to the eaton centre and brad had to leave because he worked the next morning and the bus ride back to guelph was long, so we said bye to him and greg and went to dominions' in college park and bought food for supper. it was good and i was stuffed by the end. my god kyle can cook. after that he got a call from chris and left. i laid around on the futon watching telly with julia, waiting for janos to call. i fell asleep and at like 9.30 i woke up. julia was like 'janos called, he's on his way' in that cute little way she does. it's so funny, just the way she said it made me soooooooo excited. so he came over after i had primped myself and he threw his clothes in the washer/dryer. we then went out for a drink or two. he was hungry, so we stopped at pizza, pizza on church and wellesley first. while he was eating his ex called. the conversation was so hard to listen to. janos was being blatantly honest and his ex wouldn't listen. janos kept trying to get off the phone, saying that it was rude because i was there. eventually he got off the phone and we left.
l?b was completely dead so we went to byzantium and had two drinks.
the whole conversation was great. we talked about many different things, like star trek, relationships, montr?al vs toronto, and so on. i just felt at ease with him, which had not been happening with guys in a long long long time. he put his hand on my knee under the table and it was like we were a couple, just out for a drink. i loved it.
he then walked me back to julia's place so he could check on his laundry. it wasn't totally finished, so we cuddled and watched a bit of telly until it was done. he then had to leave to work the next morning and asked if i wanted to stay at his place. i wanted soooooooo much to, but he had to get up really early to go to ottawa for work, and i didn't want to wake julia up early, so i stayed.
the next morning i woke up early to kyle coming in. he went back to sleep for a bit and so did i. then we got up and packed and left. it was such a sad feeling leaving toronto, but i felt good in a sense because i know i am going back. in a few months for pride, and in a year to live. all is not lost. if there is one thing i learnt from the trip, it's that i worry too much about love and finding the right guy, because there is someone out there for me. take janos. i never ever though he would be my type, but he was. and i was his. and it just worked out. we aren't dating, and won't be because long distance does not work (see lauro, one year ago, for the play by play on how that relationship fell apart). we're friends, and when i am in toronto if i am single and he is then things may happen, but i am not counting on it.
at a stop on the way back we were eating and kyle asked me 'what colour drapes should we have in the apartment?' and i was like 'what apartment?'. 'the one we are gonna get in toronto.' so well i don't know if he will come with me, i am still going. and that was my trip.
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posted at 1:39 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
music right now: 'the recluse' by cursive
i LOVE packages, especially ones from far away. my friend zach in fargo sent me a t-shirt and a cd he made me. it's great!
so, the last part of toronto is coming, i have just been busy and my attention scattered in a million different directions.
last night i went to see 'dawn of the dead' with adam. the movie was okay, but '28 days later' is far superiour, be it in style, substance or story. sarah polley was great as always though, and she was the only reason i really wanted to see dofd. adam and i kept jumping throughout the movie. the violence was so incredibly over the top and it was sooooo sick at parts i had to look away. it was great though, i had a lot of fun with adam. he's a great guy, and whether we end up dating or just as friends either is fine. i'm not in the mood to rush into anything, so day by day is a good approach. no expectations.
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posted at 12:48 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, March 20, 2004
If you...
1. ...owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve?
vegan fusion cuisine.
2. ...owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell?
books! and diesel shoes!
3. ...wrote a book, what genre would it be?
if? i am writing a few at the moment. drama.
4. ...ran a school, what would you teach?
creative writing/film studies
5. ...recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it?
something along the lines of pj harvey thrown in a blender with placebo and mogwai.
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posted at 1:20 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, March 19, 2004
omg, tanya kim on e-talk daily is at h&m in toronto! i've been there! like a few days ago!!! ahhhhh! hopefully considering they are opening another new store in the eaton centre in toronto they shall expand to other cities in canada.
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posted at 12:49 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, March 18, 2004
toronto, cont'd.
so many stores, so little time. like i think we went into: jean machine, zara, bluenotes, united colours of benetton, capezio, etc.... i can't remember, there were so many! after that we sat and had coffee at the second cup near the exit across from the bay. janos kept apologising because he kept looking around. he explained it is because of his job and he just has a habit of slipping into it when he's out of work. i didn't notice, and he really didn't need to apologise, but it was all good. after that we headed back to julia's place. janos left to go clean his apartment (which was NOT messy, despite what he said), and kyle made supper while telling me about what happened to him the night before.
after that we went to get some juice to mix with vodka, and janos came over with his friend eric. he was sooooo hot. i think it was mainly because he has an accent (he's from auckland), but it was so sexy. kyle didn't think so, but with kyle's taste in men... ya. we drank a little and then headed out, first to woody's. it was dead, and there were really nasty old men, so then we went to l?b, which by all accounts was fabulous. the first thing i thought was 'oh my god, vicky would love this place.' kyle attempted to pick up a guy, but it didn't work. after an amazing green apple martini, we headed out again, this time to crews and tango's. there seemed to be a lot of people there, and it was pretty cool. there was a drag show, and kyle flirted with the doorman. unfortunately for him the doorman's boyfriend was standing close by.
eric left fairly early, so it was just janos, kyle and i for the rest of the night. janos' ex, james, kept calling him, and janos let him have it (i didn't hear what he said, but apparently it was pretty brutal). i honestly don't blame janos, his ex was a total cunt to him. anyway, at one point there was this guy who i kinda thought i recognised (i didn't), and his friend saw him looking at me, so he grabbed kyle and asked me to go say hi, so i did. he was really really hot! hahah so i went and talked with him for a bit, and kinda explained the whole janos thing, but he kept hitting on me. it was a little odd. anyway, at one point i requested a song, but they didn't have it for the drag queens to lip-sync, so they made fun of me. kyle made it worse by saying that i was homesick (which was a total lie).
and then it happened, kyle saw two boys. he wanted one of them. they were together, and that didn't stop him. janos and i just watched him at work, it's funny. whenever kyle goes for a boy it is like watching animals on safari. he always does the same thing, and it always works. i've only seen him rejected once or twice. the funny thing is the first time we went to toronto he was dating mike. had he not, he said, he would have gone for janos. too bad, though, because janos told me that kyle isn't his type at all; he would have been rejected. yet i am. i like that, because normally i am not anyone's type. the boys i go for, they normally reject me. and it's rare that one actually says that i am their type. so it was nice.
and then milkshake came on. i shook my ass. it was great. edwin, the guy i had met, walked up to janos and said something about me shaking my ass (a good thing), and i felt flattered. we (janos and i) made out a little, and the drag queens were all over kyle. he just ate up the attention. he ended up making out with the two boys he wanted, but it turned out that they were going back to hamilton that night, so he was all like 'lets go to hamilton!' no-one willingly goes to hamilton. lol.
when the drag show was over we left, kyle heading back to julia's, and janos and i went back to his place. for the second night in a row i stayed at his place. i loved the feeling of sleeping next to him. some guys i have seen were not affectionate sleepers at all (lauro was one example), and i hate that. but janos is. and it was nice.
we woke up early the next morning because janos had to go to work, and that day was the first he showed me affection in public, by kissing me right in front of julia's building. i said goodbye, and told him that i would call him later, when he was done work...
cont'd tomorrow....
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posted at 8:00 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
so, i am back from toronto. lots to say about the whole experience, it was definitely the best weekend i've had in at least a few years.
so, saturday morning i awoke with a hangover--not a massive one, but one nonetheless. kyle was supposed to pick me up at like 3.00 when he got off work, but at around 3.40 he wasn't here and i got antsy. he ended up arriving shortly before four, and then we took off. the ride there was ok, but nothing special. we talked, listened to dance music and sang, stopped for food, and got into the GTA at like 9.30. i rang janos as soon as we got to like scarborough to see what was up with him. he had gotten off from work, and i decided i would just call him when we got to julia's place. so, at like 10.20 we parked and got all our stuffed hauled up to julia and her roommates' apartment. it's huge! so nice. i had seen it before in november, but still, it is incredible. and this time the bitch had moved out (the roommate from hell, from what anita and julia told us), so kyle and i got to meet their new roommate, crystal. she was really cool. their apartment is on carlton and church, right across from the maple leaf gardens, and if you know toronto at all, that is an amazing location.
anyway, julia was all like 'you know, janos has been calling. he's really excited.' that got me excited (well, more than i was). so he comes over and i see him and i was all like 'oh wow.' he had his big smile and all that, and it just felt like the first time i met him. so him, kyle, and i started drinking a bit before going out to fly. kyle was intent on going to 5ive, but janos always goes to fly and i wanted to go with him. so anyway kyle rang up his apparent booty call, and we met him outside pegasus, a really nasty dive bar on church. none of us were impressed by him. kyle was so not attracted to him. i felt really bad, but i told him before that he wasn't going to be a knight in shining armour. so we got to fly and the bouncer is really anile about ID. i was scared i was not going to get in, but in the end i did. cover was $20(!), and considering they only serve alcohol until 2.00am in ontario, that was insane. i bought a drink, and suddenly janos saw this psychotic guy he was seeing at one point. we avoided him. the dance floor was straight out of queer as folk and it was really cool. the crowd was older, but i wasn't really focusing on them. kyle and the troll (as we called him) kinda danced janos and i danced. then we went downstairs to the apparent make-out room (it was much more of a 'be on e and look at the pretty lights' room). i was thinking of doing e, but with the money i spent to get in and the expensive drinks, i decided not to. so janos, kyle, troll and i were sitting there, and then janos says to me: 'i've been wanting to do this all night' and kisses me. well that did it. i was in heaven. i haven't felt that completely absorbed in anyone like that in a while. so then we turn around to look for kyle--he was gone. thus we ended up looking for him for the next few hours. we ended up running into this guy kevin, that janos knows, and i kinda recognised him, and then i realised why: he looked like devin, but asian. it was kinda random. he was really cool, and we talked about mcgill vs. ryerson (where he goes).
at one point we ran into janos' ex, james. he was so fucking tweeked out it was sick. we walk away from him and janos grabs my hand. thus began the 'making his ex jealous' part of the night. we still looked for kyle, but by then i had just given up and knew he would be back at julia's the next morning. janos and i decided to leave at 3.00 am, and we stopped and got street meat on the way back. they had the best veggie dog i had ate in a long while. it's so funny, because in montreal there are 99 cent pizza places everywhere. but in toronto there are street meat vendors everywhere.
so we got back to janos' place and just cuddled and watched a bit of television. then slept. until like 12.30 the next morning. it was so nice to sleep next to someone, i have not had that happen in months. it makes me feel comfortable to sleep with someone else, i don't like sleeping alone. i don't know why, i guess i just like affection and the feeling of not being alone.
the next day we just hung out in our skivvies and watched family guy until like 3.00. i couldn't get ahold of kyle or julia, so we stopped by the apartment. crystal was there, but kyle and julia had gone to brunch. so i changed, and janos took me to the eaton centre. we walked around for soooooo long. all the stores! it was so cool. there are so many chains that have branches in toronto that are not in montreal at all...
cont'd. tomorrow....
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posted at 1:40 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, March 12, 2004
i have thought a lot about marriage and the whole issue. but i think i take it for granted, and reading anthony's blog (see my links) makes me think how i have completely ignored the issue for a while. i read 365gay.com at least three times a day, seeing how the battle for gay rights goes. i cannot believe that in canada i was considered a second class citisen up until 2000 when bill c-23 was passed (i could be wrong on the #). it makes me ill.
my mum, my sister, my co-workers tell me that when i am a parent i will see, i will discipline my child by hitting them. but knowing that in my lifetime i could not: a) adopt if i was in a gay couple, and b) would be seen as an unfit parent, makes me realise i will never, ever take that for granted. i have very controversial opinions on birth (i think that anyone who can adopt should, and that if you don't you are selfish for wanting to spread your genes). but i will never take advantage of the fact that i have been given the right to be a parent not by society but by parliament and the courts. fuck, if alberta had its way i would be stuck back in the closet, beaten ragged.
living in a progressive country i forget that many glbtq people around the world are persecuted everyday. in new zealand a few weeks ago a muslim leader called for the death penalty for all homosexuals. the channel he was speaking on was censured, but still, the battle is not over. i just want to love and be loved. WHAT THE FUCK IS SO WRONG WITH THAT?
and then i think back about my experience at mcgill. i have not met one person that i would consider homophobic. my best friend knew my sexual orientation before i even opened my mouth. at work i feel safe from discrimination. i have gay and lesbian professors. i can be myself, be happy, not worry. and yet i can't stop thinking about who died for this, who sacrificed themselves so i could be happy. i wish all straight people could know how it feels.
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posted at 11:08 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
it's weird, i cannot remember the last time i listened to ace of base. probably a few years ago. but anyway, it takes me back to when i was a young lad in the west of eire... whatever. that isn't true.... or is it?
so anyway, i remember when this album was huge. my brother bought it. our best friend bought it. i had our lady peace instead. and crash test dummies. but it's interesting, we had the same best friend--robbie. he lived next door to us. i had the biggest fucking crush on him i swear. i never knew what to do with it. like how do you go up to a friend and say i want to do it with you behind a bush? (at that time, 'do it' meant kissing... kinda like how hooking-up still means holding hands for someone i know :-) ). and well we would play king's quest on his amiga... or atari.. or whatever the fuck that computer was. well, my brother would play it. robbie would take me on the bed... and you get the picture. i remember a few years earlier when we would play superheroes. aside from the fact i hated that game, i was always something uber-gay. normally i was catwoman (god, michelle phiffer in 'batman returns' was my hero/diva at that time), and he would be like superman. it was a total excuse to makeout in the laundry room of our babysitter's house.
oh ace of base, how it takes me back.
i was such a fag at that age. if only i had the resources to realise that, i would have foregone so much pain.
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posted at 10:45 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
1. What was the last song you heard?
'all is full of love (plaid remix)' by björk
2. What were the last two movies you saw?
thirteen (US, 2003, catherine hardwicke), and the law of enclosures (canada, 2000, john greyson)
3. What were the last three things you purchased?
corona, a grilled cheese sandwich at the bookstore café, and a tomato and cheese sandwich at veggierama
4. What four things do you need to do this weekend?
sleep, shop, have sex, sleep
5. Who are the last five people you talked to?
vicky, sylvain, anthony, martina, and sabrina
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posted at 10:18 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
not hetero, not homo... liminal
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posted at 10:08 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
could we stay right here, til the end of time, til the earth stops turning
i wonder what he thinks of how i write, how i carry my words across the screen in simplified joy. do you really know me as well as you think you do? i want to bring you closer into my world yet maintain that safe distance, that perspective. you as the outsider, me as the object. i can read you like a book despite the fact i barely know you. touch me.
i can imagine what it would be like to kiss you, to see your eyes, to feel you next to me. the heat, the symmetry, it all becomes poetry. or whatever. perhaps i am too pretentious, thinking that i can peer through your eyes, haunt your shadow. i want you, i know that much, and if i had the chance i would take it up. stop reading me and come for it. take me.
i feel weird about it all, knowing that i want you and that you merely see how i am through a specific forum. there is more to me than the vocalisations of my feelings, than the descriptions of emotions written on the internet. take it for what it is, but don't keep yourself at arms length. i could run away, perhaps to cape town, or auckland, or stanley, and you would never know. or would you. perhaps this is a big ruse to get under your skin, to get under your shirt. or maybe i just want to know who you are and why you intrigue me so. so...
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posted at 9:54 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'gorecki' by lamb
i walked into russian class to a girl i have never spoken to calling my name. it turns out that this girl christie has a friend who has been stalking me. he apparently did it more last term, but the whole notion got me thinking: i really want to know more about this stalker. unfortunately it's one of those things i have to let go of because i don't know how to follow up. i wish he would do it more often, i wish he would have been more obvious in the past. it's weird to think that i am any sort of object of 'obsession' like that, and whenever i hear anything remotely like it i always want to know more.
on occasion there will be a cute guy who comes to the stationery department and i will kinda follow him around. i want to know what he is like, how he acts when he thinks no-one is watching, how he smiles without being prompted to do so by someone else. but that's where it always ends. i am eternally too scared to talk to guys that come into my section. some may flirt, some may pursue, but i always observe and i hate that quality about myself, i wish i had more guts.
back to the boy, i wonder what he looks like. apparently he wears trucker hats, has black hair and glasses. that is all that i know. i want to know more. argh, it's driving me crazy. it was all that i could think of in russian. after she had mentioned it i just had to know more. apparently like a few of the girls in the class know about him stalking me as well. what should i do? do i just let this go? or do i play the game and hope that it keeps going? i need more excitement in my life, he should stalk me more.
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posted at 11:01 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, March 11, 2004
halfway around the world, on the far side
music right now: 'drive' by bic runga
it's weird how much clarity you get my standing on a balcony with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in another. i don't make a point of doing this often, but right now it's exactly what i needed. i have a paper due tomorrow at 1.30 and all i can think about is wanting to go to unity because a boy is going to be there. perhaps that is the problem with the way i approach love and relationships--i am always going out of my way to accomodate them. when will a boy do that for me? hopefully sometime soon.
this weekend i am going to toronto, but the trip seems beset with problems. first it was kyle and him wanting janos and i to change our plans. and now it seems that janos might not be able to go out after all. but i'm not really worried about it. i have been taking things at a much more leisurely pace as of late, just sitting back and letting them come rather than running away and crying or confronting them and freaking out. it all started with that convo i had with nick last friday morning (i think it was that day). i guess it sometimes takes the simple things to open your eyes to the fact that the world isn't conspiring to drive you under. i have good friends, money, a job, an education and many opportunities open to me and yet i keep focusing on what i don't have, which is a boyfriend. i don't need no man to validate my existence, so why must i insist on treating myself like i do?
song change: 'those anythings' by siobhan donaghy
the first story i submitted for my short story class was this horribly loveless vision of how people are incredibly cruel to one another for absolutely no reason other than fear. then the second story i submitted was about two people who are so obviously in love yet it just doesn't happen. i have so much more to do on that, it's evolved from a short story into what may end up being my first novel. who knows. but i put a lot into it and i am proud of where it stands at this moment.
i've decided not to write on here unless i have something major to say, and i am getting to my point. basically while standing out there, looking at the city i just felt alive like i haven't in a while. i don't know if it was from the nicotine seeping into my bloodstream or perhaps the heineken that i was drinking, but clarity comes in strange ways. it's time to stop running for things, going all out in order to get something that should be so much easier. i overthink everything in my life; like my second story, it came when i stopped thinking about it. the words flowed. same with the first one. everything good comes from patience, and that's a hard lesson to learn.
the ending of 'sex and the city' keeps popping into my mind for some reason. carrie, samantha, charlotte and miranda all found love at a later age. perhaps i will have to wait that long, i will never be able to tell that for certain. as long as i keep going along then at least there is some hope, right?
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posted at 9:50 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'hotel radio' by david bridie
is it weird that i know what i am going to do with my body when i am dead? perhaps i am jumping the gun a little? actually, i have had a plan for what i want done with my body since i was like 14 or 15 (the start of my massive depression that encompassed my entire high school career). i guess when you view every day fatalistically and devise ways to destroy your own life you tend to make plans such as those. i still want my body to be cremated and half my ashes scattered into waitemata harbour and the other half into manukau harbour (both in auckland, one leading to the tasman sea, the other to the pacific ocean). but no longer do i want any specific song to be played (i wanted 'disintegration' by the cure when i was younger). i feel so removed from those feelings of impending death that i had then. i guess that's what happens when you don't frequently press a knife to your wrist and hope for the strength to cut.
the thing that bothers me is when people make a joke out of suicide, or belittle it. like i was watching 'the daily show' tonight and george carlin was a guest. he said that martha stewart would be an interesting suicide and i felt like i wanted to spit in his face. it seems in life that the people who dictate what is considered right or wrong are the people who have never experienced the feels that they find repulsive. those that find suicide to be a coward's way out or morally reprehensible are the ones who have never felt for one second about taking their own life. it's like someone who is heterosexual describing homosexuality as repulsive, repugnant, etc... you have no right to define someone elses existence on a moral scale until you step in their shoes and know how it feels.
in high school we had an abortion speaker come in. it was basically a covert way of recruiting people for the anti-abortion cause, and that i found to be one of the most reprehensible and disgusting acts i have ever witnessed in my life. aside from the fact that i am pro-choice, the speaker was a MAN, not a WOMAN. never will he have to face the possibility of becoming pregnant, never will he have to wonder how that baby will change his body, how it will affect his life, because he can run away. men are sperm donors, plain and simple. there is no responsibility there, no maternal connection to the child. a woman can only understand what it is like to carry another developing life inside them for nine months. and for him to stand there and claim that he is tolerant and all that bullshit, then say that women have no right to determine how their body is used is absurd and baseless. i am not as extreme as my mother, who thinks that men should never have a say in terms of abortion, that only women should. i have a right to my opinion on the matter, despite the fact i am male. but i do not have a right to dictate how others use their bodies.
what i am getting at is that it bothers me that my personal wellbeing is anyone elses business. i am not destroying anyone's life due to the fact that i am gay, an atheist, a vegetarian, because i drink, smoke on occasion, do drugs on occasion, punch holes in my flesh and am in the determining stages of possibly getting some ink done. what i do with my personal space is my own business. and if that includes slicing open my wrists and ending my life, then so be it. i haven't been suicidal for years, but to hear someone say that it is a selfish thought and a selfish act is irresponsible and abhorrant.
i read a review of mike's play in the mcgill daily and all i could think was 'oh shit, this won't go over well.' i disagree with what the reviewer said on many points, mainly due to the apparent 'one dimensional' aspect of the characters. they aren't supposed to be fully formed people but memories, and memories can't help but be just that. they don't illustrate the entire person, who they are, just an aspect of the people they represent. and the whole 'inspired by cosmo' comment was pure conjecture. honestly it's purely indicative of the writing in the daily - complete bullshit with little to no substance. if they had some actual writers (i bet that whomever wrote the review isn't a lit student and couldn't critically analyse an episode of 'sesame street') then perhaps a good review could have been written. what was printed was regurgitated shit. my nine year old sister could have done better.
i wonder what mike thought of it...
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posted at 8:37 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
despite the fact that i have a tonne of work to get done this week i am completely calm. why? you ask. i don't know. perhaps it's the fact that i am listening to ryan malcolm and the complete mediocrity of his music is dulling my common sense and judgement, or perhaps it is because there are good things happening for me this week. perhaps it is just because i am stupid and could care less about school anymore. either way i have stopped worrying.
i feel good about things.
i am going for lunch with adam on wednesday. that should be fun.
i am going vegan food shopping on thursday. yay for cheap vegan markets on st-laurent!
i am going to toronto saturday morning. yay for getting out of montréal for le weekend.
all i need is the FCUK sweater i have been dying to buy (and shall when i am in toronto) and everything shall be perfect.
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posted at 1:25 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
postscript to a relationship
music right now: 'please forgive me' by david gray
sometimes there are songs you can listen to and just enjoy them for what they are. and then there are the songs that are inexplicably and intricately linked with a certain person and no matter what you do you cannot detach them from that meaning. this song is the latter. i remember when i first met aaron it was so weird. it was at arts tavern first year. i of course thought he was hot, and i started dancing closer to him. vicky and ariel were off fawning over jason, a guy who lived on my floor in douglas, and aaron was there with his friend eliza. i met them. and then i said goodbye and walked home by myself.
i saw him two weeks later at sky and things went from there. that first night, the first night i went home with him he played the album 'white ladder' by david gray. i don't remember many of the other songs playing, but i remember this one. i remember staring down at him, a smile on his face, and kissing him.
after that everything just went to hell for like four months. i would drink until i blacked out, waking up the next morning and not knowing what the hell was going on. a whole lot of baggage from high school suddenly came to the surface. i buried it so well first term, and then all of a sudden it was back and i couldn't hide from it any longer.
song change: 'fake plastic trees' by radiohead
i totally destroyed my relationship with aaron. what makes me think of this? i have seen him twice in the past few days. vicky and i saw him at mike's play. i think i was probably very rude to him and i didn't mean to be, he just scares me in a way no-one else can. it's hard to put it into words, it's like seeing a concrete symbol of my past and knowing that i totally fucked up an opportunity. i still feel so guilty about what i did to him. i've learnt a lot since first year, but no matter how much i've moved on i am still reduced to a quivering mess inside whenever i see him. mike told me he thinks that i hate him. i don't hate him, i hate myself for how i acted/act towards him, but i don't know what else to do. my instinct is to run when i see him, like i did on saturday night at unity. the night was fun, i had fun with jeff and i do not regret going at all. but when i saw aaron kissing some guy i just collapsed inside. it felt like i was being buried again under so much shite that i needed to leave in order to breathe.
i wish i could tell him that i don't hate him, to tell him that i am sorry. i have in the past, but no matter how many times i say it, it still doesn't chance one fucking thing. i regret too many things; some of those regrets i've jetisonned over the past few years. i don't regret not being completely out in high school. i don't regret my relationship with nick. i don't regret being a slut first year. i know that each of those was something that built me up and made me stronger. but i think i will always regret what happened with aaron until the day i die. it haunts me still and it's been more than two years.
song change: 'took it all' by sarah harmer
i have been fighting, trying to find a way to let go of it, but there is still so much that has been left unsaid that i find it hard. i am one to go and do something to make things better, to make things move on, but this is one thing i will never be able to do anything about. too much time has passed. it's weird, it's like the old woman in titanic who keeps holding onto the necklace. at the end she just drops it in the ocean and lets it disappear into the depths, disappear into the waters of her memory. maybe i should take that song, take those memories and just let go of them. they still exist inside me, they are all there, but i can't keep holding onto guilt, i can't keep blaming myself.
i am in a state of calm, of clarity. i should get back to my story i have been working on, it's taking up my every waking moment. i sleep and in my dreams it's an extension of my reality. i dream how the characters will work out, how the plot lines will converge and diverge and where it all is going. i always get sick of stories; this one i am not.
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posted at 2:51 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'porcelain hands' by strawpeople
i feel like watching a film, i'm not sure what. i want to watch a movie with a beach in it... perhaps 'the beach' will have to suffice but it's not what i want. maybe i should just watch 'castaway'. i haven't seen that movie in forever. but i want something deeper than that, something that makes me think, not something that just feeds my insatiable need to be lying on white sand in the sun.
i ended up having a great convo with nick on msn this morning. he was in the bronfman lab and i had woken up early because i was dying of thirst, and i couldn't get back to sleep. anyway i won't get into any of the details, but it's great that we've become closer friends in the last little while. last year i lost touch with quite a few people and i guess it gives me hope that i can actually reconnect with someone.
i have decided what i want to do after school is over next spring. i've changed my mind so many times, but this is it and i feel 100% confident in my decision: i am going to go to new zealand for a few years. i've wanted to do it forever, so i might as well do it now. i need to get out of canada, i need to get away from the stifling nature of this country. it feels like i am slowing being crushed to death. i hate montreal right now, there is little opportunity for me here. i want to live on the edge of the world. i want to live in auckland, i want to be there. so i am doing it. i need to.
'i don't believe that heaven waits above the sky/ i don't believe but maybe it's in the room that you disguised/ with sheets for curtains, books all stacked away/ you're my saviour when you look at me that way/ 'cos you're taller than god.'
i want to sleep for a bit. but i don't. it's weird, i feel so restless, i don't know what to do about it. maybe i should watch a film. maybe i should work on my story again. i've been obsessing over it for the past five or six days; i need to get it right. it's funny because i am being forced to compact it into twelve pages but it's bursting at the seems. i need to let it all out.
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posted at 12:16 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, March 05, 2004
music right now: 'red blooded woman' by kylie minogue
i don't feel so good today.. ugh, i have a headache and my body is failing me. fuck, i am ill again. well, not quite, but enough to warrant ringing the bookstore and cancelling my shift. so instead i am sitting here, drinking tea and listening to my girl kylie minogue. her new album is beyond great, i haven't heard so much great dance music packed into one solid disc since... well since her last album (or quite possibly sophie ellis-bextor's newest one, 'shoot from the hip').
i saw mikey's play last night, and i must say i am very proud of what he put on. i was ambivalent going in, unsure of how it would translate from page to stage, but it turned out amazing. the lighting people were dead on, the actors were good (that lead guy was soooooooo hot, i couldn't take my eyes off him), and i just felt so strange watching it. i left feeling angry for some reason, not at him or anything, not jealous, i just felt angry because love fucking sucks. it's hard to articulate the feeling, but it just seems you are damned if you do and you are damned if you don't. i don't know, i may be the only one who sees it this way, but i didn't think the ending of the play left a lot of hope. perhaps i have become too pragmatic in my old age.
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posted at 3:47 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
music right now: 'plainsong' by the cure
i just got back from my second story critique in my creative writing class. i am so relieved and amazingly happy with the reception my story received. i approached it with trepidation, almost at the last minute deciding to submit another story in it's place, but the one i submitted ('a upane kaupane whiti te ra!') was amazingly received. i had one person tell me it was the best story in the class, and another tell me it was one of the best stories she had ever read. i just feel good, because i thought the story was shit at times, but now i feel like i know what i am doing.
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posted at 4:02 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
i have felt a vast range of emotions over the past few days, but now i am back to content, which is good. i was so angry/depressed last night because of kyle. we were supposed to go to mado, but midnight rolled around and he still hadn't called. turns out he was stuck at work with a customer, so he came over and we rented 'star trek: nemesis', which i rather enjoyed. probably in my top two as far as trek movies go.
i've been listening to the cure a lot lately as well. i'm not sure why, i guess it's been a while and it was time i revisited 'disintegration' which was my high school album. oh the memories...
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posted at 1:52 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
music right now: 'in my own time' by delta goodrem
seeing the last episode of sex and the city for the second time i agree that the show has been a life changing experience. i just feel so happy and so sad at the same time, but it was perfect. every single part of it was right.
tonight was the best night i have had this year for sure. we went to vocalz, i got on stage and sang 'the boy is mine' (john was going to sing it with me, but ian subbed for him and it was great). i feel so happy right now.
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posted at 4:21 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, March 01, 2004
i cried, i cried, i laughed, i sat in disgust, i cried and i am content.
the oscars were almost all i could have hoped them to be. 11 nominations, 11 awards. i am overjoyed by it, i'm not sure why. this is the most content in a while. maybe life isn't all about love.
Reading: The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism
Naomi Klein God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
Christopher Hitchens Copenhagen
Time Out City Guides
Seeing: Juno
Jason Reitman Annie Hall
Woody Allen There Will Be Blood
Paul Thomas Anderson
Listening to: Boxer
The National The Fountain: OST
Clint Mansell In Rainbows
Radiohead
