i may be on hiatus. i may never come back. i've written on this for more than two years. but i feel like it's time to put it to rest. lots has happened since i started writing here. five boyfriends. three moves. two school years. lots of drinking, a few drugs, and tonnes more i cannot fully describe in such a simple statement. originally i thought i wouldn't manage to keep this up, but i defied expectation. in the beginning i think i started it in order to better find myself, to come to some sort of concrete conclusion about who i am. i think i've found me. the past few months i have been happy. happier than i ever thought i could be. that's a big accomplishment for me. i never thought this moment would come. that happiness has slipped out of my fingers at times, and then it's been caught again with the full strength of my grasp. i've made friends, worked way too many hours at the bookstore, and come up with the fact that in the end i am a good person, i look in the mirror and finally FINALLY like what i see. it's me.
last night i watched what is perhaps the best episode of 'sex and the city', the agony and the ex-tasy. at the end in the coffee shop (aka cafeteria) the four girls were sitting around the table. charlotte said the most amazing line i have ever heard: well, we can be each others soul mates. guys can be just fun to play around with. my friends are the most important people in my life. my mum always says that family is forever. but you cannot choose your family. you can choose your friends. i was on friendster today and i saw vicky's profile. i miss her more that i could ever say. and kyle, he's been there for the past year. he might move to toronto with me. they chose me. i chose them. despite all my failings, my weaknesses, they are the ones who've stuck by me through thick and thin. and that's the best thing i can ever hope for.
so, this may be the end. it may not. but it's been quite a ride.
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posted at 9:55 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, June 18, 2004
music right now: 'come around' by david bridie
last night i had a fucked up dream, that i took e with adam and he passed out on it and i had to get help. i woke up going what the fuck was that all about? i am beginning to feel that way about my life sometimes, wondering what the fuck it is all about.
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posted at 6:12 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, June 17, 2004
music right now: 'come around' by david bridie
i am getting the david bridie album. you have no idea how long i have waited to hear these songs again. i have so many emotions trying to burst through at the moment. i know, some people will think that i am pathetic, materialistic, but these songs mean a lot to me. i love them, they express how i feel. i wish i could see him live, tell him how much his music has touched me...
i realised today that i am where i want to be. i am happy. i am free. everything feels slightly less horrible, my life seems to be on a track. i am happy. those three words have been the hardest phrase i have ever had to say. but i can do that now.
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posted at 12:43 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
i saw 'saved!' tonight with adam. i must say, it was a much better film than i originally thought it would be. i laughed so hard some times, it just made me realise how hypocritical some religious people can be, but in the end all ya really need is love. hate is what destroys people, hate tears families apart, sets countries against one another. whether you are jewish, christian, shinto, muslim, buddhist, etc..., it doesn't matter what you believe, as long as you love other people then that is all that is important.
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posted at 12:19 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, June 14, 2004
thank you mr duceppe for being the only leader outside the social issues portion of the debate to mention gays and lesbians. you may have just won my vote.
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posted at 9:51 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music: 'dans ce monde' by jody
all i did today was clean. it's an amazing feeling for some reason. i can sleep tight knowing that the space under my refrigerator is clean. the living room is hot! and the bathroom is spotless. the fact that i am moving in a few weeks is finally hitting me. i am worried about living alone for longer. maybe vicky and i should sublet a room?
i got some stupid email from gay411 tonight saying that my account was almost cancelled. i hadn't been on that site for a while. i went on tonight, and adam was on. i kinda felt horrible, i am scared about things. we're at like a comfortable medium, where any inch sideways will kill us. blah, i don't like the feeling that maybe he isn't 100% into us.
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posted at 12:55 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, June 10, 2004
music right now: 'the end of the world' by the cure
great new single, a little happier than most of their back catalogue.
the past few days have brought a huge diversity of emotions. tuesday during the day i was frusterated at work. then in the evening adam came over. my computer was on the verge of dying, so i ended up spending too much time trying to fix it. adam got a little angry. so we went and got food and ended up in old port. we walked around, hand in hand, just enjoying the weather. it was such a beautiful night. it was perfect.
then today (my day off), i went over to his place and we just lounged around the pool. it was amazing. great weather, great boyfriend. i thought that magic that we had at the start of our relationship was lost. it felt like all those emotions were just gone, how every minute was just bringing us closer to breaking up.
i feel better than i have in weeks about us.
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posted at 5:54 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, June 07, 2004
i have mondays. today reminded me why. it seems like i cannot do anything right. blah, i need to relax and breathe.
saturday was the night from hell. i went to unity by myself, in order to meet a friend. he never showed. so i spent like an hour walking around looking for him, all the meanwhile attempting to hold back a panic attack. i knew something like that would happen. i didn't have a good feeling before going. i knew i shouldn't have gone. so at 1.00 i left and decided to just walk and get some air. it was nice, the weather was good. i walked past papineau to an area i had never been before. so i turned back.
then adam called me. that was not the call i ever want to hear again. i won't repeat what was discussed, but i can't shake the feeling it left me with. i was so happy last week. where did it go to?
i got rid of the tagboard on here. it's barely ever used anymore.
i'm considering a new layout but i don't know jack about html. any suggestions?
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posted at 2:21 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, June 06, 2004
ugh, long crazy night. was supposed to meet a friend at unity. that didn't happen. so i left at one to walk around. i was in the mood to roam. i miss adam.
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posted at 3:41 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, June 05, 2004
music right now: 'waiting in canada' by jann arden
calgary lost.
fuck that shit.
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posted at 11:55 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: the sound of ron maclean and don cherry on 'hockey night in canada'
i'm definitely not one to support alberta. i grew up there. i hate that province with a passion. but tonight i feel proud for the first time to have grown up an albertan. i am not one anymore, i am a full-fledged quebecois, but i am happy to see alberta and canada come together for this. it isn't often in our country that we see everyone together pulling for something.
i hate sports. i hate football, baseball, basketball, volleyball especially. but i think it is in our blood to like hockey. i honestly have come to enjoy it. when we won both gold medals at the salt lake city olympics we rejoiced. our sport came home. and it is going to do the same this year.
10 Bands You've Seen Live
1. björk
2. the yeah yeah yeahs
3. u2
4. garbage
5. the tea party
6. placebo
7. idlewild
8. kelis
9. tori amos
10. the cure/interpol/the rapture (well, soon to be, in toronto or boston this summer, possibly with ariel! and perhaps vicky if she is interested!)
9 Things You're Looking Forward To
1. sleep
2. marriager
3. camping out in a hammock in adam's back yard with adam
4. toronto pride
5. living with vicky
6. living in the same building as mike
7. birthday celebrations with kyle
8. finishing mcgill
9. the rest of my life
8 Things You Wear Daily
1. tank tops
2. shoes (preferably diesel)
3. socks
4. trousers
5. jeans
6. necklace
7. deodorant
8. a smile/frown
7 Things That Annoy You
1. stephen harper/the conservative party
2. homophobes
3. bad dressers
4. people who walk slow
5. the mcgill bookstore
6. cover at clubs
7. six day work weeks
6 Things You Touch Every Day
1. i don't want anybody else, when i think about you i touch myself
2. my face
3. my keyboard
4. my mobile
5. my keys
6. my clothing
5 Things You Do Every Day
1. sleep
2. smile (as of late)
3. look out the window
4. check certain websites
5. talk to someone
4 Of Your Favorite Musicians or Bands
1. björk
2. sigur rós
3. placebo
4. tori amos
3 Movies You Could Watch Over and Over
1. centre stage
2. the last of the mohicans
3. 24 hour party people
2 Of Your Favorite Songs At This Moment
1. 'stumble away' by david bridie
2. 'feels like home' by chantal kreviazuk
1 Person You Could Spend the Rest of Your Life With
1. the love of my life. the one that makes my skin tingle, who's every glance makes me realise that i am loved, attractive, a good person, and the centre of someone's universe. someone who i can hug at any time, look into his eyes, kiss him and be with him and make him realise that he is the centre of my universe.
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posted at 10:55 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
the long week is finally over. huzzah!
i have to see the film 'a home at the end of the world'. all my senses tell me it will probably be one of the most amazing things i will ever see. i change my favourite movies all the time, aside from 'the sweet hereafter' which will always remain the best film ever created, but i cannot wait to see this film. every fibre in my being aches knowing that i will have to wait until august to see it.
adam and i are back together. things are effortless again. i like this. i like this feeling. i like the rush i get from being with him, the fact that i can hug him, kiss him, and know that he is mine right now. i told my mum we got back together. her response kinda scared me.
'adam and i got back together.'
'when are you guys gonna get your stuff together.'
'well, we like each other...'
'so is this until the end of summer? or is it forever?'
is it forever? i wasn't ready to hear that.
calgary is going to win the stanley cup tonight. it's canada's game, we need to bring it home once again!
i've decided to vote liberal. i saw an advert tonight in which paul martin summed up the one fear i have about the conservatives. he was like 'unlike my opponent mr harper, i don't want to change canada. i want to make canada stronger...'
harper is bush wrapped in a canadian flag. he will destroy everything i love about this country. mark my words: if stephen harper and the conservatives win this election, i will leave canada. this is my home, but i will not see it burnt to the ground by a bunch of right wing fanatics.
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posted at 10:04 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, June 03, 2004
vote people! register to vote! it's easy.
and if you are like me, it's time to kick stephen harper's ass back to where he came from.
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posted at 6:36 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
i am a glutton for punishment. that is all i can say.
Reading: The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism
Naomi Klein God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
Christopher Hitchens Copenhagen
Time Out City Guides
Seeing: Juno
Jason Reitman Annie Hall
Woody Allen There Will Be Blood
Paul Thomas Anderson
Listening to: Boxer
The National The Fountain: OST
Clint Mansell In Rainbows
Radiohead
