music right now: 'guilty cubicles' by broken social scene

i had the worst day yesterday. my russian oral was like a trainwreck and i felt and still do feel so incredibly stupid. i have never felt so humiliated in my life and i just wanted to cry. i cannot believe that it went that badly. i am not good speaking in front of people in english, let alone in russian. i am better now, i ended up falling asleep on the couch while watching 'are you being served?' and now i am awake again. i love that show. i am addicted to the whole 'are you being served?' and 'keeping up appearances' line-up that ytv has at midnight every night. oh that hyacinth bucket (it's pronounced bouquet lol), she makes me laugh like few people can.

i don't know, i just feel shitty lately. kyle and i were talking earlier while doing dishes and he accused me of liking things for the wrong reasons. i don't like independent films because as he put it 'they aren't mainstream' and i don't like british comedies because 'they are british', i just have loyalties to them that i can't quantify with words sometimes. everything i enjoy is because it makes me happy, makes me sad, makes me look at life differently. i used to be accused in high school of liking things because no-one had heard of them. i liked the stuff i did in high school because they are the only things that spoke to me in ways the shite around me never did.

it's weird, i've been so depressed lately because i have no chance of getting into grad school in toronto. or boston for that matter (though i am going to apply to boston college anyway). the reasons for me wanting to stay in north america for the next few years are simple: i am tired of doing everything on my own. i do so many different things in life by myself. i came to montreal by myself; i came out by myself; i really feel the only person who understands me completely is myself (even if i don't always like what i find). i just don't want to do grad school in a city where i will be alone (yes vicky, i would love to go to cali with you but i don't think i can afford it). but i am most likely going to do my bachelor (honours) and masters at the uni of auckland or massey (in either auckland, wellington or palmerston north, i'm not sure which campus i would apply to), and then maybe i'll go to columbia for my PhD (if i do well enough in my masters).

i don't think professors expect us students to have a life; it seems like no matter what i do i always have something fucked up in my life and i cannot just forget about it and get on with my school work. i did 8 hours of russian workbook homework this evening. after that oral, doing all that homework made me want to go make myself vomit so i could feel better about myself. ugh, i can't wait to get out of montreal next weekend, the city is suffocating me.

i want to go to a cafe and just write and drink tea and sit and think. i need a good playlist on my minidisc player for that. the last time i was going to do that was the night i went to tandoori village and to du parc to see party monster with vicky and ariel. that was fun. i miss times like that. i have had so much work this year. i feel like i am drifting apart from friends, and it's not because i am ignoring them or anything, it's because school is just so insane. i have so much work over the next few weeks it's not even funny. i have three final papers to write, two short ones for my russian lit class, a midterm next friday (plus a date, but more about that later), an oral in my russian language class, another oral (fuck!) in my russian lit class, questions for my early 20th c. brit lit class, and a russian quiz. that is a lot of fucking work.

i have a date. with evan. this cute boy who has had a crush on me for like a year and half (apparently). i think he's cute, he's really nice. i never thought he even knew who i was. i feel invisible most of the time. i guess i am not. it's weird, i always feel like i have no impact on peoples lives at all, like i am just a light breeze that people shrug off. i guess i was wrong. i sell myself short a lot of the time. but then again on days like today i feel like i deserve whatever i get. my life never gets easier, i just wish it would for a few weeks once in a while. whatever i did in a past life must have been really really bad - karma is a bitch.

my mum has been really depressed lately. i worry about her.

i've decided if i adopt a daughter when i am older, i want to name her cerys. i love that name. or olivia. or miranda. yes.

i wonder why i feel so unhappy in montreal a lot of the time. it just feels like school never ends and life never begins. i am so disconnected from the things that make me sane, i hate it. i hate my room, it makes me sick to be in here, it feels like school. i can't do work in the library, it's too creepy and quiet. i think i am gonna check out solaris on dvd tomorrow and watch it tomorrow night. or maybe i'll just watch 'are you being served?' and 'keeping up appearances' again.

i'm hanging out with ian this weekend. i've missed hanging out with him, he's such a great guy. he's gonna make some boy very happy one of these days.

jeff worries about me. jeff wanted me to spend the night at his place tonight (platonically, though knowing him that wouldn't be the case). i am out of love with him. i love him, but i am not in love with him. he's a great friend, but the more i see him the less and less attracted i am to him. he ignores his own problems and worries about others too much. he's like my mum in some ways; he seems incapable of taking help from anyone. that bothered and still bothers me. he asked me if i needed to be put on suicide watch tonight. i said no. i meant yes, just because i wanted him to worry about me. i just needed a shoulder to fall on.

i feel like virginia woolf some days. i can see dark clouds on the horizon, i don't know if i have the strength to fight anymore.

my cousin has this as her msn screen name: 'abortion kills a human person'. i want to scream at her for it, but i've refrained from alienating another family member.

i'm gonna finish my game of spider solitaire and crawl back into my bed (where kyle is sleeping soundly - he wanted company tonight and a break from his annoying futon).

... posted at 6:14 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...