music right now: the sound of my queer history paper printing
i just finished my queer history paper. this is an emotional moment for me, because i worked for at least sixteen hours on it. this is the longest amount of time i have ever put into a paper like this. thank god its finished. *massive sigh of relief*. and to think i'll be doing this again on saturday and sunday to finish my departmental survey paper. oi, kill me now.
...
posted at 2:14 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
music right now: 'valerian unwanted' by catatonia
i have so much work right now. oi. i have two papers i'm attempting to finish for friday, so i won't be able to post much probably until saturday. if not, i'll have to post again next tuesday. thank god this term is almost over. i need a break.
...
posted at 3:51 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, November 21, 2002
oi, cyrillic font doesn't work with blogger. i'm too mad to change it. oi!
...
posted at 2:18 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'Ìàëü÷èê-ãåé' (malchek gey) by Òàòó
Òàòó (pronounced tat-oo). ya, i like this band, but i refuse to listen to anything they've done in english. they sound really cool in russian, so i'd rather listen to them in their original language. since i'm in the process of learning russian, it helps to listen to it. and they're catchy and funky, so thats fun. plus they're controversial (the two girls in the band are lesbians who make-out in one of their videos), so thats always fun (although watching two girls make-out is as much of a turn on for me as a colorectaloscopy would be).
oh, everyone MUST see solaris next week. i am dying to see it and its a thinking movie and i want to prove to hollywood that philosophical type movies are marketable. so, i've been doing a little campaigning of my own, trying to get people i know to go see it. so... GO SEE IT! :-)
...
posted at 2:15 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'hey jupiter' by tori amos
so, my life gets ever more complicated as the days go by. i like this guy, devin, who i was talking about in my post on sunday. now, he is such a puzzle that i have no idea what to do. he blows my mind. i have no idea what to think of him. he's one of those people who leave you with a million questions and absolutely no answers. i think thats part of why i like him. he's not like most guys. there are a few problems: a) he never calls when he says he will. that drives me up the fucking wall. i wish guys would call when they say they will. 'i'll call you tomorrow' does not mean 'i'll call you when my penis feels like it'. b) i can't tell vicky anything about our 'pseudo-relationship' because he is friends with her. it feels weird not being able to tell my best friend about this. c) i have no idea when we're gonna do anything, if ever again. i asked him if he wanted to watch 'solyaris' tomorrow night, but he said no. he's going drinking. oi, its annoying. whatever, i'll just take what comes.
...
posted at 12:13 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
music right now: 'sugar' by tori amos
i just saw her live!!!!! it was amazing. the opening act was howie day, and he sang about five or six songs. they were really amazing, considering it was just him onstage. he had these pedals that he would press which would record parts of his singing/guitar playing, and then he'd have them loop over while he went on. it was incredible. the best song he played was the first one, 'sorry, so sorry'. i swear, it was amazing seeing someone like him who is sooooo gonna hit it big soon. watch out everyone! you heard it here first. howie day will be huge!
then tori came on and the crowd was subdued at first, but by the end it was soooooooooooooooo loud! it was at least as loud as the applause last year at u2/garbage, and the concert was limited to only one half of the bell centre. and she played all the songs i wanted to hear, save 'silent all these years', 'strange little girl', and 'little earthquakes'. the best was when she played 'crucify' she dragged out the main lines, so there was this dramatic buildup to the chorus and bang! it was great. and there were TWO encores! TWO! i've only seen the tea party do more than one encore. no, i think u2 and placebo both did two. i could be wrong. anyway, it was amazing! and she played 'taxi ride'. that made my day.
...
posted at 11:50 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, November 17, 2002
music right now: 'scared' by the tragically hip
good old canadian alt-rock. when life throws you too many questions, you go back to your roots. the tragically hip aren't nearly my favourite band, but they represent something simple to me. they eliminate all the complexities, and i can just enjoy them for what they are. i don't know many bands like that. most of the music i listen to has so much baggage. this song is sad, but its not my sadness. i can listen to it and be indifferent, which is nice for some reasons.
i feel ambivalent right now. i see two things, and i don't know which to go for. i'm sort of starting something that i don't want. i'm not thinking, but going completely on impulse. i know i will get hurt. there is such a certainty of it that all the odds are stacked against me. but i'm doing it anyway. why? theres always that possibility that it will turn out different. despite those odds, i seem to be going for whatever the hell will happen. oi. the other hand is romance. i want romance. i want flowers. i want two in the morning phone calls and breakfast in bed (for me or vice versa). where did romance go to?
i have so much going on in my life right now, but i'm going nowhere. i am stationary while the rest of the world is running past me. i feel so overwhelmed with everything, but its not going to change anytime soon. someone once told me i get attached to people too easily. that is true. i don't know how to change that. its a by-product of all the stuff that happened to me in junior high. as soon as someone takes an interest in me, friendship or relationship wise, i sort of try to hold onto that. i never had the luxury of a lot of friends in school. here it is different. i know i can be friends with pretty much anyone i want. i'm not that shy little boy in the back of the class anymore. but i still get attached so soon. and i cannot remove emotion from things. emotions are so hard to deal with. i bring them into everything. its strange. i just get this idea of such possibility springing from the simplest of situations, and i run for the goal, unaware that i am far too young to be getting married. i keep telling myself that i don't want a husband, but its probably just bullshit. the thing is i don't know how long i'll live. i swear, i will not be one to live until 80. i'll burn out brightly instead of fading away gently. grace is overrated.
for some reason, this line from a phil collins song keeps on coming to me - 'oh, think twice, its just another day for you and me in paradise'. i love that song. everything is too complicated. i'm not a child anymore. i never had much of a childhood, and i wish i had it back. i grew up way too soon. i was ready to leave home at age eleven. i was never a child. the world got to me too soon and spoiled me. i never had a chance.
...
posted at 3:56 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'always be my baby' by mariah carey
i have no idea what i am doing anymore, and i don't care. i think i worry about things way too much and get emotion involved in everything. i just need to do some work and have fun. these are supposed to be the best years of our lives, and i don't need to have a bloody husband right now. so, i don't care anymore. i'm just gonna do what feels good and try not to fuck everything up.
...
posted at 10:35 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, November 14, 2002
music right now: 'i care 4 u' by aaliyah
love this song. its amazing. can't sleep, so here's a survey :-P
Name: clinton
Nickname: clint, muffin
Age: 19
Birthday: 30 july
Sign: leo (grrr)
Location: montreal, qc, canada
School: mcgill university
Status: single
Crush: ex-bf, and alan cumming
Virgin?: nope
Natural hair color: black
Current hair color: black with golden brown hilights
Eye color: hazel
Height: 171 cm
Birthplace: edmonton, ab, canada
Shoe size: 9 1/2 to 10
[ family ]
Parents: my mum
Siblings: three sisters, a brother, and a cat
Live with: myself
Favorite relative: my cat :-P
[ favorites ]
Number: 6
Color: blue
Day: thursday
Month: not sure. december or january
Song: too many, including: 'tightrope' by kylie minogue, 'die another day' by madonna, 'taste in men' by placebo, 'j'ai demandé a la lune' by indochine, 'estoy aquí' by shakira, 'try again' by aaliyah, and 'hyperballad' by björk
Movie: the sweet hereafter. dancer in the dark, l.i.e., the rules of attraction, trainspotting, heaven, get real, and boys don't cry. and wonderland.
Food: vegetarian sushi
Band: too many to name. placebo, garbage, etc...
Season: winter by far
Sport: tennis
Class: poetics
Teacher: prof. cooke
Drink: pepsi, o.j., vanilla soy milk, smirnoff ice
Veggie: broccoli
TV Show: felicity, the amazing race, queer as folk (uk), cold feet
Radio Station : 96,9 ckoi
Store: le chateau, diesel, les ailes de la mode, la baie, any shoe store
Animal: giraffe
Flower: bloodflower
State: massachusetts (only because boston is there and i like boston)
[ this or that ]
Me/You: you
Coke/pepsi: pepsi
Day/night: night
aol/aim: aim
Cd/cassette: minidisc
Dvd/vhs: dvd
Jeans/khakis: jeans
Car/truck: neither
Tall/short: tall is sexy
Lunch/dinner: ewww, meals
Nsync/BSB: n*sync
Britney/Christina: both
Gap/Old Navy: gap
Lipstick/Lipgloss: lipgloss
Silver/Gold : silver
Alcohol/Weed: weed
[ love and relationships ]
Do you have a bf/gf?: no
Do you have a crush?: ya
How long have you liked him/her?: since i first saw him
Why do you like this person?: he's amazing. his smile lights up the world and he leaves me breathless in a way no one ever has before
If you're single... why are you single?: my bf broke up with me
If you're not single... give details...: n/a :-(
How long was your longest relationship?: 4 1/2 months
How long was your shortest relationship?: two days
Who was your first love?: mikey
What do you miss about them?: the fact that he's so incredibly passionate about everything
[ the past ]
What is the one thing you would change about your past?: i would have come out completely a lot earlier
What is the biggest mistake you've made in your life?: insulting people even though i was just trying to find happiness, and in the process hurt them. i was not trying to get away from them, but the culture they live in
Last thing you heard: the theme from 'guinevere' sung by sarah polley
Last thing you saw: my computer screen
Last thing you said: bye
Who is the last person you saw?: my poetics class
Who is the last person you kissed?: can't remember
Who is the last person you hugged?: probably nick or vicky
Who is the last person you fought with?: not sure
Who is the last person you were on the phone with?: vicky
What is the last TV show you saw?: ctv 11.00 news
What is the last song you heard?: 'one more colour' by sarah polley
[ the present ]
What are you wearing?: boxer briefs and a white tank top
What are you doing?: typing
Who are you talking to?: nick
What song are you listening to?: 'courage' by sarah polley
Where are you?: my apartment
Who are you with?: just me
Are you online?: ya
How are you feeling?: sick
Are you in a chatroom?: no
[ future ]
What day is it tomorrow?: thursday
What are you going to do after this?: sleep
Who are you going to talk to?: a lot of people
Where are you going to go?: class
How old will you be when you graduate?: 21 (from uni)
What do you wanna be?: writer/photographer, or fashion designer
What is one of your dreams?: find a beautiful guy and settle with him either in rekjavik or london
Where will you be in 25 years?: england or iceland. maybe even russia
[ have you ever ]
Drank?: yup
Smoked?: ya
Had sex?: uh huh
Stolen?: can't recall
Done anything illegal?: yes, of course
Wanted to die?: a lot
Hit someone?: i think so
[ other ]
Do you write in cursive or print?: in english, french and spanish i print, but in russian i use cursive. and when i rarely use the german i know, i print
Are you a lefty or a righty?: right
What is your sexual preference?: queer
What piercings do you have?: both ears, industrial through my right ear, bellybutton, and i'm getting my labret below my lip done soon
Do you drive?: no, and never will
Do you have glasses or braces?: neither
Did you like this survey?: its ok
[ physical appearance ]
What do you most like about your body?: ears
And least?: the rest
How many fillings do you have?: 0
Do you think you're good looking?: not really
Do other people often tell you that you're good-looking?: yes
Do you look like any celebrities?: don't think so
[ fashion ]
Do you wear a watch?: no
How many coats and jackets do you own?: four or five
Favorite pants/skirt color?: stone washed denim colour, or black
Most expensive item of clothing?: either my $125 kenneth cole flood pants, or $120 diesel shoes
Most treasured?: my fidel tank top
What kind of shoes do you wear?: diesel shoes (they're so hot!)
Describe your style in one word: labelwhore
...
posted at 12:41 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
music right now: 'j'ai demandé à la lune' by indochine
i am slightly ill right now. i drank white hot chocolate and tea earlier, and they seem to have helped. now i'm listening to this song (above) that i have become obsessed with lately. its so amazing. i love it, i love it, i love it. its sort of a french mixture between the cure, depeche mode, and maybe some placebo. its really strange, but i can't get it out of my head. i love how the little child comes in during the last half of the song. its so haunting in a non-scary way. it leaves me with this strange impression that is hard to get out of my mind. 'alison' by slowdive, 'come on die young' by mogwai, and 'tear in my side' by gemma hayes do the same thing.
i miss nick. its strange. we've been broken up for two weeks, and i want to be with him, not anyone else, still. this never happened with others before. i don't think i'll find anyone who stacks up to him anytime soon. i don't want to be with anyone who doesn't make me feel the way he made me feel. anyway, since i still feel ill, and am too busy looking through mtv russia, i'm gonna go. ciao.
...
posted at 11:16 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, November 11, 2002
the bext news ever - kylie and dannii minogue are doing the theme for the next bond movie (after 'die another day') and they're both going to have cameos! this is me excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...
posted at 1:06 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, November 10, 2002
i have way too much work to do. so, there is little chance i'll be updating this in the next week or so. i have three term papers i need to do, and not enough time to do them.
...
posted at 7:20 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, November 06, 2002
i saw an amazing movie tonight, heaven, directed by tom tykwer (the same person who directed lola rennt). the first thought i had leaving the movie was that i felt empty. not in an emotional sense, but because there are two more parts to it, hell and purgatory, that are going to be made. it was one of those movies where you have to look deeper, and get your own meaning from it, which makes me afraid that people are going to write it off. there is so much in it, and i cannot wait to see the next two. another interesting thing is that this was directed by tom tykwer, but if you've seen any of his previous movies, you can tell that this is not his style. it is krzysztof kieslowski, who wrote this along with the two other parts. he died in 1996, but you can feel his work here. its really kind of strange to see the work of a dead man on screen.
...
posted at 10:55 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'all you wanted' by michelle branch
i am so incredibly emotionally exhausted right now. earlier i just started crying my eyes out for probably no reason at all. it was such a release, but it was a total accumulation of a whole load of things and i needed to get it out of my system. i could have gone on for like an hour like that, but i stopped myself for some reason. anyway, i feel okay right now. my life isn't a total wreck like it looked at 8.00 this evening.
...
posted at 12:43 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, November 04, 2002
music right now: the sound of 'the bold and the beautiful' on the telly
my grandmother got me addicted to this soap opera. its crazy. anyway, i saw the trailer for solaris and it absolutely blew me away. this is THE movie of the year. i have to see it opening night. the criterion collection dvd of the original, solyaris, is coming out the same week it hits theatres, so i have to buy it.
...
posted at 2:00 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, November 03, 2002
music right now: 'something to talk about' by badly drawn boy
i just watched a bunch of clips from 'bowling for columbine' and it scares me so much that people love guns so much. they are horrible. like there is this one town, virgin, utah, that passed a law saying that all people must own a gun. how can you possibly justify that?! its absolutely disgusting to think about. it makes me shudder. you don't need a gun. you never need one. i've never touched a gun in my life and absolutely refuse to ever. some people are so stupid. and the fact that the same year the kkk was outlawed in the states was the same year the nra was founded. how bloody stupid you have to be to not see the connection?! obviously it isn't black people showing up in droves to these meetings. oi, the absurdity of this astounds me.
...
posted at 2:05 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'do you love?' by natalie imbruglia
i am so sick of the gay scene its not even funny. i know what i want - i just want a normal guy, nothing too heavy, no intense emotions getting in the way. i want to have little dinner parties and wine and cheese type thingies (like one i went to yesterday), and just some sort of normal relationship. i'm so sick of clubs. like the homo-hop last night was almost depressing in ways cos if you hadn't gotten there early, then you have to resort to deperate measures if you wanted to hook up. i don't want to do that. oi, its not fair to me nor the other person. so ya, i also have to get out of this apartment. i fucking hate it. it drives me crazy!
...
posted at 11:35 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, November 02, 2002
"i was never the cheerleader at school. i was always the kid at the back of the class with the spiders in her pockets." - björk
this is the cutest quote i've ever read.
...
posted at 5:04 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'spinning around' by kylie minogue
this is the first day in a while that kylie has cheered me up, so obviously things are a lot better. i've gotten used to the idea of being single, and its not too bad. i like being free to do what i want to again. being in a relationship as amazing as it is, can tie you down. i would never pass a relationship up with the right person, of course, but i'm not itching to get back into one right now. after all, i've only been single for like four days. and the homo-hop is tonight, so i just feel like going and having fun. it should be good.
oi, last night i had coffee with a friend and i felt so bad because i was falling asleep the whole time and i hadn't seen him in forever, so i hope he doesn't think i was being an asshole. argh, i hate when i give that impression. apparently sometimes when people meet me i seem really really snobby. i am so not! thats the thing. i'm just incredibly shy at first, and like quentin crisp said 'i did not speak unless demanded to'. oh, if you haven't seen the movie the naked civil servant, i demand that you must. it is sooooooo good. we screened it for our queer history class and it was so funny and touching and i see a lot of myself in quentin crisp. i like how he would always be in his effeminate voice 'i was an avowed homosexual!'. its so cute.
i finally got the new tori amos cd yesterday. of course i had to buy the special limited edition, so it has all this extra stuff, like a dvd, a map of her road trip with where each song is set, polaroid photos (well, imitations, but they're cool), stickers, and two charms. it was really cool. i love the dvd. its so good.
Reading: The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism
Naomi Klein God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
Christopher Hitchens Copenhagen
Time Out City Guides
Seeing: Juno
Jason Reitman Annie Hall
Woody Allen There Will Be Blood
Paul Thomas Anderson
Listening to: Boxer
The National The Fountain: OST
Clint Mansell In Rainbows
Radiohead
