OMG! i just checked out the pre-orders page for dvds on HMV's website, and they have decalogue being released on the 22nd of april. for anyone who doesn't know what it is, its a series of ten one hour films done by kryzstof kieslowski which are meditations on the ten commandments and are told through stories of people living in apartment building in poland. now its not religious per se, but kieslowski is absolutely amazing (as evidenced by the three colours trilogy which just came out on dvd in a boxed set). i want decalogue sooooooooooooooooooooo bad. and i can't buy it until at least the middle of the summer. someone buy it for me :-D
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posted at 11:04 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
well, i got an HIV/STI test a few weeks ago as a precaution. after all i am young and gay (and suitably cute), so one must do these things to have peace of mind and as a regular medical procedure. after all, being raped last summer didn't help the peace of mind part, but oh well. anyway, i got the test results back today, and as expected it was all negative. so, i'm happy. like i'm not a tart or a slag or anything, so i wasn't expecting to find out that i am dying or have ten STIs, so its all good. but ya, i'm in a good mood today :-D
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posted at 5:17 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, March 30, 2003
so, i have an internship this summer working for literary traveller magazine. i'm doing a project for the magazine on w.b. yeats. i have no idea what i am supposed to do yet, but it sounds cool. i don't start until june, so may is going to be a do nothing except work and chill with my roommate type month.
and i just watched alias for the first time. its an interesting show, but a little complicated. i still maintain that jennifer garner is a horrid actress in my mind, but michael vartan is hot :-) and victor garber is in it. hurrah for canadians!
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posted at 7:57 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'your koolest smile' by flunk
so, i just said goodbye to lauro again. this is the hardest one because i know what he means to me now. the other times i wasn't totally sure, but now i know and i can't stop crying. i have so much work to do, but all i want to do is lay in bed with him for hours on end. i'm tired of letting go...
so ya, he came up yesterday afternoon, and i had no idea how things were going to go. i hadn't seen him in quite a while, so i was a little nervous as to how it would turn out. but as soon as i saw him things were good. i had so much fun just being with him and going to unity and ... ya, just being with him. its not where we were that really counts, its the fact that i was with him.
so we went to unity last night and met this guy kyle, who i had talked to before, and met his friends. they were really fun. we ended up going out to mcdonalds at 2.00 in the morning with them and listening to one of the girls, crystal, talking about how she works for the royal bank and does collections for visa (the credit card). but ya, it was really fun. and the funniest thing is kyle knows my cousin torey (they both live in chateauguay). its so random.
i feel like shit right now. how come i always feel this way? its not like i won't see him again. yes two weeks is a long time. but i just feel empty and tired and i want to cry again... i'm gonna go do something. maybe i'll feel better.
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posted at 4:04 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, March 28, 2003
music right now: 'special needs' by placebo
so, sleeping with ghosts, placebo's new album, is getting rave reviews. and good thing too, because it's the best thing i've ever heard. and they played lots of it at parking last night!!! :-D so ya, i feel hung over and vomitty. and my keyboard failed this morning, so i had to take my lazy ass to the computer store and get a new keyboard. it has two USB ports on it, but for some strange reason they won't work.
but ya, i just feel shitty right now. i want to cry. mainly because my keyboard stopped working and i had to spend $50 i could not afford to spend. but ya, i guess that's what happens when you spill stuff on it.
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posted at 1:32 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
is it just me, or was 'american idol' tonight absolutely dreadful? clay was gorgeous and amazing like always, but the rest sucked! and i hate rickey smith's voice. its sooooo pitchy and whinge-y.
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posted at 9:04 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
so, i was playing around on the mini cooper website a few weeks ago and i created my own car. now of course if i was to buy it, it would cost close to $35 000, but i want it nonetheless.
so, here is the picture of my mini (cooper, that is).
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posted at 7:06 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
very cool new r.e.m. song you can hear for free on their website :-)
The Final Straw
As I raise my head to broadcast my objection
As your latest triumph draws the final straw
Who died and lifted you up to perfection?
And what silenced me is written into law.
I can't believe where circumstance has thrown me
And I turn my head away
If I look I'm not sure that I could face you.
Not again. Not today. Not today.
If hatred makes a play on me tomorrow
And forgiveness takes a back seat to revenge
There's a hurt down deep that has not been corrected
There's a voice in me that says you will not win.
And if I ignore the voice inside,
Raise a half glass to my home.
But it's there that I am most afraid,
And forgetting doesn't hold.
It doesn't hold. Now I don't believe and I never did
That two wrongs make a right.
If the world were filled with the likes of you
Then I'm putting up a fight. Putting up a fight.
Putting up a fight. Make it right. Make it right.
Now love cannot be called into question.
Forgiveness is the only hope I hold.
And love-- love will be my strongest weapon.
I do believe that I am not alone.
For this fear will not destroy me.
And the tears that have been shed
It's knowing now where I am weakest
And the voice in my head. In my head.
Then I raise my voice up higher
And I look you in the eye
And I offer love with one condition.
With conviction, tell me why.
Tell me why.
Tell me why.
Look me in the eye.
Tell me why.
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posted at 2:48 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'american life' by madonna
i like this song. its officially on my hot list (a.k.a. songs i play to death). madonna raps!
so i'm seeing lauro this weekend. colour me smitten :-D
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posted at 2:29 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, March 24, 2003
thank you michael moore:
Michael Moore's acceptance speech
On behalf of our producers Kathleen Glynn and Michael Donovan from Canada, I'd like to thank the Academy for this.
I have invited my fellow documentary nominees on the stage with us, and we would like to — they're here in solidarity with me because we like nonfiction.
We like nonfiction and we live in fictitious times.
We live in the time where we have fictitious election results that elects a fictitious president.
We live in a time where we have a man sending us to war for fictitious reasons.
Whether it's the fictition of duct tape or fictition of orange alerts we are against this war, Mr. Bush.
Shame on you, Mr. Bush, shame on you.
And any time you got the Pope and the Dixie Chicks against you, your time is up.
Thank you very much.
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posted at 12:51 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
i am so pissed off right now. i haven't been this mad in a while. like you know when someone constantly disappoints you? well i feel like that. its worse when its your best friend. like with vicky i am always there to listen to her and not judge her. i've listened to her when she's been sad, neurotic, happy, and such, and never thought 'fuck this girl should just shut up' or anything like that. after all, why would i? but like i feel whenever i try to tell her that something is bothering me she makes it sound like i have no justification in feeling sad or angry or anything like that. i feel like shit sometimes. i have horrendous moodswings and its not like i plan them or make them myself.. i wish i could stop it. but i don't judge her when she has a problem, and i feel like she does when we talk. its making me cry right now because i thought she was the one person i could tell everything to. like when i was with nick i'd tell him a problem or how i felt and it felt the same way. i just don't need that now from her....
You are revelling/reckoning! You've been through a lot, and all of that has made you a stronger person. You're kind, sensitive, loving... you've got a dark side though, and you've probably done a few things you aren't proud of, but hey, you've learned from your mistakes. Which is a lesson most people don't bother to learn.
this is great, because reckoning is my favourite ani difranco album by far (as well as 'to the teeth')
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posted at 4:40 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'english summer rain' by placebo
so the last homo hop of the school year was last night. i couldn't get anyone to go with me, so i ended up going alone, which sucks. i'm tired of having to do things by myself because nobody wants to go with me. argh. fuck, i just feel like shit right now. i can understand why some people didn't want to go (work, etc...), but then there are the people i ask and they don't want to go just because. like i hate that because i end up going to things with them that i don't necessarily want to go to because its a friend type thing to do.so ya, i'm just a little annoyed with that.
and the homo hop itself sucked. i saw lots of people i know, but very few said more than hi, and that sucks when you're there by yourself. i ended up hanging out with rich for like half an hour, but he creeps me out in a 'he wants me but i would rather date a girl than him even though i'm gay' type way, so i hung around with mikey, eric, mike, and this really tall cute guy who i haven't met before but i think mikey and him might be/get together (not that i have any confirmation of that). so yeah, that was nice. the worst part of the evening was the bachelor(ette) auction because my ex-aaron was in it and of course he got the highest bid ($40) and he like almost stripped on stage. its only been recently that i've been dealing with my feelings for him even though we broke up like more than a year ago. so seeing him auction himself off on stage was kind of like a shite moment for me.
i have three weeks of class left, and i'm so happy about being finished. this year has been pretty crazy and i can't wait to put it behind me. i just want to relax this summer, have fun living with braden, party, relax, all that stuff. i've written this before, but i need it right now. i'm so tense and stressed out. i just want to see lauro right now. i never feel stressed around him. i feel good. but oh well. such is life.
i'm in one of those periods where i don't feel attractive at all. like i look in the mirror and hate what i see looking back. i just feel like such a shell. i want to go to sydney this summer. i cannot afford it of course, so it will either have to wait for next summer or when i move for grad school. i've pretty much set my mind on going to UNSW, even though U of Auckland is still very much a possibility. but like i was talking to my friend daniel yesterday and he was telling me about all the great beaches around sydney (not bondi, but like cronulla), and sydney is a big city so it would be cool. i wish i was there right now.
my problem with being here is that there are a lot of people who know me and hate me and i can't be sure as to why that is. like i know i fucked things up with aaron so badly that i'll regret it forever, but still like i didn't kill anyone. i don't think i'm a horrible person, am i? i just feel like crying sometimes because i don't like being hated and i have no idea why they do. so ya, i'm going back to listening to placebo and wondering.
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posted at 3:13 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, March 21, 2003
music right now: 'the bitter end' by placebo
i am like blah right now. there is this twat on a message board i usually write on that is pissing me off, so i need to do something to de-stress myself. masturbation is not an option. i have a headache and i am not looking forward to the spanish exam i have tomorrow. i know exactly what i would love to do right now, but its not possible. i want to relax with lauro, watch a movie, drink a bit and then go dancing. i want to do that without any worries like having to say goodbye, school, war, all that stuff. i want to be with him and not have to say goodbye until we are ready to....
on the bright side i have started writing this pile of short stories that i've been planning out. its not so much a short story collection anymore, but more prose poetry, so its more fluid, and i am loving where it is going. of course its going to take me like six months to finish, but i started it, which is always the hardest part, and i love what i've got so far.
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posted at 12:38 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, March 20, 2003
global is airing episodes of friends right now. i am wondering whether this is a sly move to make us laugh and completely make us ignore the fact that innocent iraqi's are dying, or just a coincidence. i feel slightly sick to my stomach right now at that though. and i found out that ian broke up with ian last night. well, i feel like shit now just thinking about that. they'd been together FOREVER, and i totally thought they were going to be together FOREVER, so now i am wondering why relationships are so impermanent. everything seems to be changing so quickly, and i want to stop it all for a second and just enjoy the present. that rarely ever happens. i miss lauro....
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posted at 8:39 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'it won't work out' by dannii minogue
so, aside from the constant stream of crap coming out of the telly and the internet talking about this war, not a whole lot is going on in my life. i have had quite a bit of work in school, and it doesn't look like i shall get any sort of break for at least three weeks. argh. i have three papers, two orals (one in russian, one in spanish), two quizzes (one in russian and one in spanish), and five finals left. wow, thats one shit load of work. so, i may not write a whole lot in the next little while. one good bit of news - lauro is going to be back in d.c. tomorrow! yay! i shall get to talk to him on AIM. and with that i may go watch and episode of coupling. or sleep. whatever.
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posted at 12:34 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
so, the war has begun. all i can say is ari fleischer is a twat. a big fat one.
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posted at 10:03 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
open letter to sigur rós
i am aware of your current north american (cough cough american) tour underway as we speak, and i would love it if you would add a montréal date to that illustrious jaunt. please please please please come! jónsi, oh jónsi, you are gay. you know how much of a gay mecca montréal is. why not come here?! we could use some of your beautiful bow-on-guitar playing in this city right now. and the rest of you.. we have great pubs. while our nightlife may not stack up to the nightlife of your beloved reykjavík, we still can run with the best of them. so please! heed this little gay boy's call and for the love of björk COME TO MTL!
thank you, i shall now return you to our regularly scheduled blogging.
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posted at 12:09 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, March 17, 2003
music right now: 'the day you come' by powderfinger
so, i am no longer homeless after 30 june. my new roommate (braden) and i have a really sweet eleventh floor apartment, so i am excited! hurrah! *dances*
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posted at 7:31 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'boomerang' by cirrus
i'm so blah right now. today (well technically yesterday) is a month for lauro and i. it feels like ten times that, and its great. i just miss him. so ya, i just feel kind of crappy that i can't talk to him or be with him right now. but i guess that's the way life works....
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posted at 1:26 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, March 16, 2003
music right now: 'sleeping with ghosts' by placebo
there is one line from this song that haunts me: 'cos soulmates never die. i keep thinking about whether i believe in soulmates. i do, but i wonder if i've met mine yet. maybe i've passed him in the street or seen him on the telly, or accidentally lost him. i wonder whether there is such thing, if i'm too blatantly romantic in my ambition to find that person, or maybe i'm thinking about it too much. i do believe in soulmates i've decided, but along with belief is the possibility that it doesn't exist.
i had a good msn conversation with mikey earlier. he is one of the very few people i know who feels how i feel and can relate to me. i wonder if i'm bipolar or manic depressive sometimes. my emotions have free reign over me and it can be hard to control sometimes. i wonder what it would be like to not feel everything. i wonder what it would be like to not care anymore.
i wouldn't be me if i didn't care anymore. i feel like i don't want these feelings and emotions half the time, but if they were gone i wouldn't be alive anymore. they're the soul thing that connects me to this earth, that connects me to this existence. i live because i feel. its odd.
if i were to be a song, i would be 'all is full of love' by björk (the music video version). my emotions though, are more akin to 'hún jorð' by sigur rós. just the clash of noise at the end of that song sounds how i feel a lot of the time.
i feel disconnected from everything around me. my little world is a bubble. i hate living alone. i hate being a vegetarian because it automatically brands me as a crazy lunatic in some peoples eyes. i hate being gay because i can never understand what its like to get married in a church or get married in general and have everyone automatically accept your relationship as anything more than sexual. i hate waking up because it means i will have to go to sleep again. i hate sleeping because i miss the world when i close my eyes. i hate writing because it never fully conveys how i feel. i hate being in montréal, though the alternative (alberta) is a million times worse. i hate being away from lauro because the distance is tearing me up inside.
i love being vegetarian because i can say with confidence that i am not complicit in the systematic torture of different species. i love being gay because its all i've ever known and i accept it as an unalterable characteristic inside of me. i love waking up because it means i will have to go to sleep again. i love sleeping because i feel at peace which is a rarity in my life. i love writing because its the sole way i can express myself and not feel like a twat when doing so. i love montréal despite all its flaws. i love being away from lauro because i know that he is thinking of me too, and thats all i can ask for.
i think this means that if i was a coffee flavour i would be bankakaffi, whatever that is. i wish i knew more icelandic than i do, but i'll have to be patient. i special ordered this book 'colloquial icelandic' at the bookstore on thursday, so i'm excited. it won't be here for three to four weeks though :-(
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posted at 6:11 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
films i am determined to see in the cinema (films that i am looking forward to):
a) bend it like beckham - from all accounts this is a great film. my friend daniel loved it, and i am dying to see it, though the north american trailer is shite. they do use 'inner smile' by texas as the backing music, which is great :-D
b) 28 days later - been dying to see this since i heard about it. its the new film by danny boyle, and since the trainspotting sequel porno won't be out for a few years, i'll have to settle for this. but its supposedly ace, so i'm happy.
c) johnny english - the trailer is cute, and i adore rowan atkinson/mr. bean and natalie imbruglia is in it!
d) morvern callar - read a review of it in the hour last night and it sounds pretty amazing. i may see it on tuesday.
e) master and commander: the far side of the world - i loved gladiator and i think russell crowe is an amazing actor, and combining him with peter weir can't possibly go wrong.
f) prozac nation - heard about it a long time ago and still want to see it.
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posted at 3:12 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'daddy cool' by placebo
since i can't be arsed to do much of anything today i'm writing again. so, i've been thinking, what would i do if i had a million pounds to waste on something crazy and fun. well, i decided that i would buy a mini cooper and just drive. i would see where the road would take me and it would be sweet. so, if there are any rich blokes reading this, you know the way to my heart now ;-) lol
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posted at 2:39 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'is it any wonder?' by sophie ellis-bextor
i have had a really strange time at clubs as of late. thursday mike (baltimore mike, i know a million gay mikes i swear) and i went to a poetry reading at the yellow door, and they had this really amazing canadian lesbian poet, sina queyras, and i felt so bad because i had to use the loo the entire time, so i was in pain for like 45 minutes. that's what cheap free box wine will do to you. so after the poetry reading i unwisely decided that mike and i should go to parking because i needed to dance. that was a stupid move of course.
i felt like a twat there, 'cos i was dancing with goths and punks and people with interesting style (and by interesting i mean non-label), and i was wearing an A&F t-shirt (that lauro bought me and i think is soooooooooo cute and soooooooooo gay). so, they looked at me like 'what the fuck are you doing here?'. i just ignored it, but there was this one girl i recognised from my poetics class last term (i think her name is jen), and she looked at me one of two ways, i can't quite figure it out:
a)she looked at me like 'oh, i didn't know he is gay!', or
b)'what the fuck is he doing here?!'
i think its a combination of the two.
so, we went down into the dungeon of the club and found it had turned into a hip-hop night. that was awesome, because i had not danced to hip-hop in FOREVER. but i saw a few people there that kind of put an interesting twist on the night. one i saw my ex nick with his boyfriend and his boyfriend's friend. well, i didn't get a very good first impression of adam (his name) - he seemed like an ass when nick introduced me. he like gave me a look like 'fuck you i have him now and you don't so slag off'. i have no idea why, like i don't want to be with nick, and i'm fine that we are apart, but where the fuck does he get off doing that?! like maybe because i was trying to say hi to nick for like ten minutes and it may have looked like i was checking him out... but once we were introduced he should just drop all the attitude. he doesn't even know me. but whatever. his friend was the same way. and nick, well he was nick. smiling and cute and nice like always. but seriously i don't think i could or would ever want to be with him again. we think in very different ways. he is an eternal optimist and very logical thinking when it comes to emotions, and i am totally not like that. i feel what i feel and don't attempt to justify it to anyone.
so, i also saw sara, who was a floor fellow in douglas last year. i've seen her a few times lately, and it always brings me back to those living in res days. i really fucked up first year, and i wish i could do it over again because it would have been so much better. i was naive, immature, stupid. i'm jaded now i guess. and the third person i saw was jeff, my ex aaron's ex roommate/live in lover. well ya, that made me think about aaron and last year and how fucked up everything got and i just wanted to get out of there. i felt claustrophobic and like crying, so mike and i left.
last night i went to unity with mike (florida mike), and i met this american guy john and his friend tracy. of course nothing happened, but we ran into ian, saee and courtney on our ways home (they were off to stereo and attempted to persuade me to go - i'm broke, and i lost the free pass i had, so i couldn't have anyway), and i hope they don't think i was fucking around, because i wasn't. i ended up thinking of lauro the whole night, and i have questions on my mind. not specifically directed at him, but i have ones that i think i need to answer before i see him again. mainly, i am wondering what he means to me. like i love being with him, but i am trying to sort out how i feel about him in the bigger picture. is it worth it to wait weeks to see him? i can answer that, and i say of course, but i still don't know how i feel about him. it all comes down to one four letter word, and i don't know if i can even think about it at times. sometimes i am so convinced that i do, and then others i think its way too soon and that i shouldn't consider it right now because we might end up breaking up in the future and all sorts of other possibilities. but then i think of how i feel when i'm with him and that nothing is forced. its so easy and so amazing just being with him and i haven't ever felt like this with any of my ex-boyfriends, so i am wondering what that means.
i think too much. but i feel right now like my life is coming apart at the seams and i'm barely holding it together.
my father rang my mum last night and asked for my number. she didn't give it to him. its up to me, she said, if i want to ring him. and i'm undecided if i want to or not. i don't really want him in my life, but if he was it would be a help money-wise. like i am scraping by right now 'cos of reading week and the time i had off, so it would be nice to have extra money, but i don't know if i want to talk to him. i have hated his guts for so long and don't consider him a father at all. i don't know what i would say to him. so for now i'm not ringing him. he's going to melbourne in two weeks 'cos my sister is finally getting married (she has two kids with her fiancée). i would like to go too, and stop in sydney and just chill there for a while (perhaps see my friend daniel and see what the clubs are like down under), but i don't think he'd pay for me to go. i don't want to ask. i don't want to ring. but there is a strange part of me that thinks i should. i don't see why. like he never ever encouraged me as a child, always beat down my dreams, made me think i could be nothing. i've always wanted to be a writer (and am, even though i am in general unpublished), but he never saw how important it is to me and always made it sound like i haven't a hope in hell. well, he was wrong of course (as evidenced by the fact i'm in an exhibition this month and may end up publishing a chapbook in the next year), but i don't know if i can deal with talking to him. so, for now i'm not.
speaking of the exhibition, i am not sure how i want to display my poem. any suggestions? by the way, please comment people!!!!!!
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posted at 2:12 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, March 14, 2003
music right now: 'dive' by david bridie
i didn't read tonight at the coffee house thing. i was too scared, and i just feel sometimes that my words should stand by themselves, that they don't need any verbal action from me. i didn't tell lauro this. for some reason i told him i did read, and now i feel like an ass having said that. like i didn't say 'ya i read', he had said something along the lines of 'how did the reading go', and me being the miscomprehending twat that i tend to be said it went well. i didn't read.
so, i am depressed right now. i miss lauro, and i hate saying it because sometimes i feel like its a stupid thing to say. we've been together almost a month, but when i am with him i am so happy. i have never ever felt this way with another human being and i want to hold onto him for as long as i can. like we agreed that if we find someone who will make us happier than we are when we are together or how we are right now then to go for it. i can't see that happening for me. i look around the hollowed out corpses that clubs seems to be and see hot guys yes. but not once have i felt that i have seen a guy that will make me feel happier than lauro does. and that scares me, because what if he finds someone?
i almost want to move closer to him so i can see him more often. montreal has been looking less and less like a place i want to be now, and everytime i go to clubs i see that reinforced. it feels so empty. i want to be with someone. i want to be with lauro. only i have a cold idle bed i must crawl into and take some comfort in the fact that i will see him in two weeks.
i'm slight inebriated right now. i'm not drunk, but i'm not sober. i'm in a state where i can see things for how they are, in a state where i hover between drunkenness and soberness, seeing everything and not fooling myself... i miss lauro. :-(
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posted at 2:18 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, March 13, 2003
music right now: 'sleeping with ghosts' by placebo
i nicked this little survey from a friend of a friend's livejournal, and since i'm bored and currently skipping my canadian lit class (i have a really stupid excuse too), i am going to do it. its interesting too, so there :-D
=First Movie you ever saw in the theatre= i think it was either a rerelease 'snow white' or 'dick tracy'
=Movie you have seen the most times= 'the last of the mohicans' or 'wonderland'
=Biggest Movie Star crush as a kid= hmmmm.... sean astin in 'the goonies'. he was so cute when he was young
=Fav 80's teen Movie= 'the breakfast club', 'the goonies' (if it counts)
=Fav Song from a movie= the entire soundtrack from 'the thin red line' and 'the last of the mohicans' as well as 'the sweet hereafter', 'solaris' and 'gladiator'. but if we are going by song, then it would have to be either 'may it be' by enya (from 'the fellowship of the ring'), 'the lady of shalott' by loreena mckennitt (from 'léolo'), 'here to stay' by new order (from '24 hour party people'), or 'courage' by sarah polley (from 'the sweet hereafter')
=Fav Love/Romance Movies= 'titanic', 'sliding doors', 'romeo must die', 'centre stage', 'beautiful thing', 'trick', 'the broken hearts club', 'bridget jones' diary', 'about a boy', 'all over the guy', 'ma femme est une actrice'
=Fav Horror Movies= 'stigmata', 'alien'
=Fav Dramas= 'the hours', 'the sweet hereafter', 'dancer in the dark', 'wonderland', 'beyond rangoon', 'solaris', 'mamma roma', 'heaven', 'the believer', 'the rules of attraction', 'the adventures of sebastian cole', 'gods and monsters', 'la vita e bella', 'hable con ella', 'y tu mamá tambíen', 'kids', 'boys don't cry', 'merlin', 'the odyssey', 'get real', 'girl, interrupted', 'trainspotting', 'welcome to sarajevo', 'the dead poets society', 'legend', 'mio min mio' ('mio and the land of faraway' - movie i adored as a child), 'memento', 'bringing out the dead', 'the thin red line', 'in the bedroom'
=Fav SciFi movies= 'alien', 'blade runner', 'solaris', 'the matrix', 'eXistenZ', 'sphere'
=Fav Musical Movies= 'moulin rouge'
=Fav Comedy Movies= '24 hour party people', 'monty python and the holy grail', 'my big fat greek wedding' (it wasn't super hilarous, but it put a smile on my face)
=Fav Action Movies= 'true lies', 'romeo must die', 'lola rennt', 'get carter', 'gladiator'
=Movie that Scared you as a child= 'nightmare on elm street 2', 'cyborg' (i hated that shite film, but my dad and bro insisted on watching it repeatedly)
=Movie that makes you cry every time you see it= 'dancer in the dark', 'the matthew shepard story', 'titanic', 'sliding doors', 'the hours', ' the dead poets society' etc...
=Worst movie you ever saw= 'desperado', 'texas chainsaw massacre: the next generation'
=Most sexual movie you ever saw= 'y tu mamá tambíen'
=Most Disturbing movie you ever saw= 'the believer', 'american psycho'
=Movie that is panned by critics, but you love it= 'legend', 'get carter'
=Fav Actors= sir ian mckellen, ed harris, daniel day-lewis, jude law, christian bale, hugh grant, alan cumming, guillaume canet
=Fav Actresses= jennifer jason leigh, jodie foster, patricia arquette
=Fav sex scene from a movie= the scene between reese witherspoon and ryan phillipe in 'cruel intentions', or between leo dicaprio and virginie ledoyon in 'the beach'
=Movie that could/might as well been written about your life= none
=Fav Villain in a movie= joe pantoliano as teddy in 'memento'
=Last movie you saw on tv/rented= 'the rules of attraction'
=Last movie you saw in theatre= no idea.... i think 'the hours'
=Fav Director(s)= michael winterbottom, danny boyle, atom egoyan
=Fave Scene(s)= the last scene in 'dancer in the dark', the first scene from 'the sweet hereafter', the death scene from 'gladiator', the scene in 'dead poets society' where neil kills himself (its beautifully done), many of the shots in 'the rules of attraction', every scene in 'solaris' because of the ambiance and feeling,
=Fav movie lines= 'And death shall have no dominion. Dead men naked they shall be one with the man in the wind and the west moon. When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone they shall have stars at elbow and foot. Though they go mad they shall be sane. Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again. Though lovers be lost love shall not. And death shall have no dominion. ' chris kelvin (george clooney) from 'solaris'; 'No, you submit, do you hear? You be strong, you survive... You stay alive, no matter what occurs! I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will find you.' hawkeye (daniel day-lewis) from 'the last of the mohicans'; 'This is my right; it is the right of every human being. I choose not the suffocating anesthetic of the suburbs, but the violent jolt of the Capital, that is my choice. The meanest patient, yes, even the very lowest is allowed some say in the matter of her own prescription. Thereby she defines her humanity. I wish, for your sake, Leonard, I could be happy in this quietness.' virginia woolf (nicole kidman) from 'the hours'; 'Love. Where does it come from? Who lit this flame in us? No war can put it out, conquer it. I was a prisoner. You set me free.' pvt. jack bell (ben chaplin) from 'the thin red line
=Fav Characters= leonard shelby (guy pearce) in 'memento', pvt. witt (jim caviezel) from 'the thin red line', clarissa vaughan (meryl streep) from 'the hours, selma (björk) from 'dancer in the dark', and chris kelvin (george clooney) from 'solaris'
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posted at 3:18 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'ballet suite' from swan lake by tchaikovsky
today was a pleasant day for the most part. i woke up and was depressed until half way through spanish at which point i forgot about my depression and cheered up. work went well - i read thirty odd pages of the english patient by ondaatje (i have to read it for my canadian lit class). all i can say is 'wow'. i swear the way he writes is like an orgasm in words. its so sexually charged and beautiful and just amazing. i have never read anything quite like it. i wasn't a huge fan of ondaatje's poetry (though 'white dwarfs' was an exception). and one of the lines is probably the most incredible line of prose (well, its more akin to poetry than anything else) i have ever read: "I fell burning into the desert." don't ask me why, but the image i get from that is so incredibly vivid. i have a feeling the rest of this book is going to blow me away. then again i have to read 'smilla's sense of snow' again (this time in the original danish), as that is my favourite book. i love the way peter høeg writes, even though it is translated. i like the translation because its very precise and what i call 'sterile' - like it is free of gramatical, contextual and other errors, and uses very little if any slang. it almost looks deliberate because it seems cold like the climate that much of the book takes place in.
well, i am looking at an apartment tomorrow for braden (my new roommate) and i. i hope its good, and if it is i'll be taking it immediately. it would be great to have that worry out of my hair! anyway, i'm off to bed. night!
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posted at 12:51 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
music right now: 'dive' by david bridie
this song has been rolling though my head all day. i woke up and listened to 'the boys of summer' by dj sammy ft. loona, and was all happy about the coming summer and everything, but when i returned from canadian lit. my mood totally changed, and this song has been there. i don't know why, but i just feel crappy at the moment. i am sick of winter and school. i complain about it a lot, but i feel burned out - i'm utterly and completely exhausted.
so, 'dive' by david bridie basically sounds how i feel. i don't know what to think right now. i just want to lay on a beach and feel the water wash over me. i've never seen the ocean, so i would love to. maybe this summer. i feel like writing, but its just not happening. hmmm.....
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posted at 7:47 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'the freshman' by the verve pipe
this song brings back a lot of memories. it was such a big song in grade nine and i was so angry because i had heard it like six months before everyone in my class latched onto it - that's basically been my musical life. i always find these cool bands and songs and its like they're my own in a way, like they were created solely for me (i know this is an extremely naive view). for example, i had loved: coldplay, kylie minogue, travis, stereophonics, tATu, 'breathe' by télépopmusik and a bunch of others way before they got big, and its annoying sometimes. its great they've had success, but still i felt like they were my own little secrets. so, i am keeping my fingers crossed that i can keep david bridie and the cardigans for myself :-)
well, i'm thinking of reading a poem at this coffee house on thursday (at the yellow door on aylmer street, 8.00). i'm not 100% sure i'm going to, but that's mainly 'cos i have no idea which poem i would read. like i looked through my book and i think all my poems are pure shite :-( so, i am at a loss as to what i shall read. but then again i wrote a new poem last thursday i think that i really like (its not my normal style at all, which is great), so perhaps that one will be read. i'm going to get a little tipsy off wine first so i don't have to worry about being nervous in front of the crowd, so it should be good fun :-) i really want to get my work out there, and this, the art show in two weeks, as well as working for the montage (a poetry/prose/essay publication here at mcgill) will help me become known. like i just want opportunities to be read, so it can open other opportunities in the future.
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posted at 12:53 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, March 09, 2003
music right now: 'for what its worth' by the cardigans
i have listened to this song at least twenty times today. i love it so much. if they're new cd, 'a new day at midnight' is as good as this song i shall be a happy boy :-)
so, i feel better than i did this morning. i will see lauro again in three weeks - three weeks is such a long time, but i feel good that i will see him again. i have a billion emotions stirring inside my head, but i've made sense of them today, and i'm happy because i know that the waiting isn't in vain and that the time i get to spend with him in the end is special. so with that i am going to finish my laundry, read some, and get to bed.
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posted at 10:55 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'scared' by the tragically hip
lauro is gone again. i'm sitting here, in tears, missing him, and i just don't know what to think or feel except this impulse to cry. no matter how long we see each other, its never enough, and i hate that. i just want to be with him and to not have to worry about a timeframe or when i or he has to leave. the past two days just seeing him and being with him has felt so good and so natural - i've never felt anything quite like it. i feel so much for him and i just can't stop crying knowing that he is gone again and i won't see him for three weeks. ugh, i think i'm just going to go back to bed and cry myself to sleep... i have to get up for one o'clock so i can call him 'cos he'll be back in the states by then.
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posted at 10:40 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, March 07, 2003
music right now: 'sleeping with ghosts' by placebo
so now that i am calm and have got all my rage against dubya and the 'compassionate' conservatives out of my system, its time to go back to what i do best - write about things that don't involve war, mayhem, chaos, conspiracy, a moron as a president, and so on...
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posted at 12:09 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, March 06, 2003
i have officially found the most pathetic website on the internet. this list is nothing more than a blacklist worthy of mccarthyism. its insane to think that these right-wing nuts are in control of the most powerful country in the world. its disgusting. i feel bad for all these celebrities because they have the right to their opinion and are being denied work, threatened, and put on websites such as this one and subject to harassment. i am proud to consider myself a socialist in every form, and i'm sick of these conservative nuts making it seem like we're deviant because we care about other people. well fuck them.
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posted at 11:46 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
i've been sporadically studying for my russian midterm tomorrow while watching the dubya press conference on ctv. i have one thought about this - he is a horrible public speaker. he's been hum-ing and haw-ing his way through the entire speech and question session. i am sick of this. no matter what happens, he wants saddam out. there is going to be war, its just a matter of when. he is determined to get rid of saddam, and will of course only mean war. the one question i would have loved to hear from a reporter is this:
mr 'president', you want to disarm iraq, that is known, but in fact your own country harbours more chemical and biological agents than any other nation on the planet, so in theory the united states is a bigger threat than iraq. why aren't you disarming your own country? why is it that you are forcing another nation to disarm when you yourself aren't doing anything along those lines?
but ya. i am glad that canada said we will not do anything without the united nations. with france, russia and china all having vetoes on the security council, at least one will use it. so, canada isn't going to war. thank god.
p.s. i'm normally not so political, but this situation is pissing me off.
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posted at 9:01 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'flicking your switch' by ladytron
greatest msn conversation ever:
clinton - i can barely see up and down and back again says:
oooh, i like ladytron because they're super pretentious and i love that
clinton - i can barely see up and down and back again says:
they can get away with it
clinton - i can barely see up and down and back again says:
and still be un-cool, because being cool is the new un-cool
Vicky says:
so un-cool
Vicky says:
is COOL
clinton - i can barely see up and down and back again says:
exactly, but don't tell people that
Vicky says:
well then I guess I'll be un-cool for a while
Vicky says:
because I am ALWAYS cool
clinton - i can barely see up and down and back again says:
don't tell anyone - they'll catch on and the whole scheme of things will come toppling down
Vicky says:
sex is still the new black
Vicky says:
though
clinton - i can barely see up and down and back again says:
no, masturbation is the new black
clinton - i can barely see up and down and back again says:
sex is out
Vicky says:
nuh uh
clinton - i can barely see up and down and back again says:
uh huh
Vicky says:
sex is in
clinton - i can barely see up and down and back again says:
masturbation is the big trend this fall
clinton - i can barely see up and down and back again says:
sex is boring
clinton - i can barely see up and down and back again says:
spring
clinton - i can barely see up and down and back again says:
oops
clinton - i can barely see up and down and back again says:
no, wait, fall
clinton - i can barely see up and down and back again says:
using the australian calendar of seasons is also in
clinton - i can barely see up and down and back again says:
and making lists like this is very out
clinton - i can barely see up and down and back again says:
but being pretentious and claiming to know everything about fashion is in
clinton - i can barely see up and down and back again says:
so i am in
i should be sleeping now, but i'm not. i feel like crap because i told lauro that i was going to go to bed when we said goodbye, but i've had things on my mind. i feel good right now, a lot better than i've felt in the past day and a half. and i'm listening to 'scarlet's walk' by tori amos, which is probably one of the best albums i currently own. i love it. two songs that always get to me are 'i can't see new york', and 'taxi ride'. the former is the sole 9/11 inspired song that i like. its incredible in its intesity and isn't some patriotic bullshit like others have put out. there is a difference between mourning the dead and beating the world over the head with the fact that you are proud to be american. you should be proud to be alive, not proud of thirteen stripes and fifty stars. like the u.s. is in many ways a beautiful country - christ i am in love with parts of new york state and boston. but the fact that they are american is irrelevant. nationality means very little most of the time. where you were born and where you live now doesn't make you a good or bad person, and it shouldn't make you better or worse than someone else. different countries don't always mean different intentions, different motives, different emotions.
the second song, 'taxi ride', was written for kevyn aucoin (btw, i knicked the pic from kevyn aucoin's site; i didn't intend to steal it), who was an amazing make-up artist and also happened to be gay. he died last year and its basically about how in the last days before he died he was sad that the people he helped and had been a friend to weren't there for him while he was dying. its such a sad story. i read that in the november issue of 'out' while in the gannett health building at cornell. i remember sitting there flicking through the pages with lauro, and if anyone had seen us they would have automatically known we were together. its a good feeling to be so open in public, but not even holding hands or anything. i wonder if he even noticed it.
but now i am going to sleep. here is a beautiful quote that tori amos said about kevyn aucoin:
"For those like me who loved Kevyn the person, the heart now weeps as if made of water color. Earth has lost yet another light, but perhaps, he has joined the masters who paint sunsets."
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posted at 2:16 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, March 02, 2003
i got the title for this from the last major road sign i saw last night when crossing from the u.s. into canada.
last u.s. exit
i wonder how i can feel so empty
in this city while i'm surrounded
by three million people,
all buzzing through their busy
lives
-oblivious to the fact
that i exist
i overheard someone say
at the border
that here people live to live,
not live to look forward to something;
then how come we all plan
things minutes, hours, days ahead
if we are just living to live?
as that last u.s. exit rolls by
i can't help but feel
that an opportunity
to get out of this concrete
grave has passed me by
montreal appears out of the mist,
sitting idly by the st-laurent
and i wonder
is it better to sit idly by
and watch life pass by in
its stream of time,
or not cross the border and disappear,
to take the last u.s. exit
and never look back
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posted at 11:30 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'hotel radio' by david bridie
i LOVE this song. of course its virtually impossible to find it on kazaa 'cos david bridie is an indie aussie musician, but i managed to get it from his labels website. too bad the copy expires tomorrow....
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posted at 6:28 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'my immortal' by evanescence
i've been feeling this for a long time, but getting out of montreal for a few days reminds me of how much i am beginning to hate this city. i just feel like i don't want to be here anymore. it just feels empty and i feel like screaming. its so frusterating. i remember being on the bus yesterday and driving through cities in upstate new york and i just felt like there were places there (namely albany, syracuse and amsterdam) that looked really nice and could be a cool place to settle down. and then when we got to the border i felt so shitty because i knew i was going to be back here.
like this doesn't have much to do with lauro, though going to see him and coming back definitely reminded me, but montreal has just lost any sort of promise it held before. its so fucking empty sometimes. like there are three and a half million people around me and i feel like the fact that i'm here doesn't matter at all. i want to get out of here for a while. and the four days away from the city helped soooooooooooo much, you have no idea. i hate mcgill. i want to transfer somewhere else. like i wish i had gone to columbia in some ways. that would have been amazing to be in nyc. but i just feel like staying in montreal is a death sentence. thank god i only have two years left.
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posted at 4:29 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'drinking in l.a.' by bran van 3000
i'm back from ithaca - i went and visited lauro on wednesday and got back about an hour ago. it was a great trip and i am so glad i got to see cornell and meet lauro's friends, and just hang out with him.
anyway, where to start?
i took the train down, and that was a pain in the ass (literally). the seats on the acela i was on were too small, so it was hard to get any rest at all. i got to syracuse at like 9.00pm and lauro picked me up. i was soooooo happy to see his smiling face again. that night we slept in his friend mark's room so we could be alone, which was nice because i hadn't seen him for two weeks. i met his friend libby and his roommate dan too that night. i like libby a lot. she seems really cool from the time i actually talked to her. his roommate was kind of cool too, though he never ever looked at me when he would talk to me. it was sooooo odd.
thursday was good. we just hung around and lauro had to study for two exams he had on friday. oooh, we ate in appel, this really cool cafeteria. i swear, cornell has the sweetest meal plan. it makes the plan at the bmh cafeteria look like gruel. that night we went to the library and he studied like mad while i worked on my can lit paper due later this coming week.
friday - while i slept in, lauro went at took his two exams, and i woke up to him coming back from his last one. it was nice to wake up to seeing him :-) then we walked around campus and had lunch at a cool bagel shop in collegetown (cornell's version of the mcgill ghetto). we took his friend mark to the clinic because he was super sick, then exchanged my a&f tank top because it was too big. i got this a&f t-shirt that is so cute and tight and very gay. and later last night we ended up going to a party at some guys apartment. it was really fun for so many reasons. one, i'm sure a lot more people know that lauro is gay considering the way we were acting. it was great to just be in public with him around people i barely knew and flirt like mad. but then again most everyone was trashed (us included), so its possible that no one remembers now. two, we were in the bathroom together making out and i heard a girl (who i thought was libby's roommate, but probably wasn't) say to some guy 'don't worry, they're gay'. that was so fun. then we ended up smoking a little weed outside and i can't remember much after that except waking up early in the morning to lauro snoring loudly and having to use the loo.
this morning i left, and the whole ride back i was and still am a mess of emotions. i have so much going through my mind right now. i just keep thinking about him, and i just want to kiss him and hold onto him right now. it makes me want to cry. like i got on the bus and i had to stop myself from bursting into tears. like i've only known him a short time and its not like i'm in love with him, its just when i am with him its really intense because we are together for two or three days at a time, and i haven't felt this close to someone relationship-wise in the longest time - not since nick. and i have absolutely no idea where this is going. but i guess thats all part of the fun of it. who knows. life is so unpredictable. but i'm glad i get to be with him, and i will see him in six days :-)
Reading: The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism
Naomi Klein God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
Christopher Hitchens Copenhagen
Time Out City Guides
Seeing: Juno
Jason Reitman Annie Hall
Woody Allen There Will Be Blood
Paul Thomas Anderson
Listening to: Boxer
The National The Fountain: OST
Clint Mansell In Rainbows
Radiohead
