music right now: 'alexandra leaving' by leonard cohen
i just saw an episode of 'law and order: criminal intent' and they had this guy with asperger's syndrome in it, and i was interested in what exactly it was. so i looked it up and ran through the symptoms. i had a hell of a lot of them when i was a kid. its weird, because i always felt comfort in patterns for some reason, and still feel comfortable with them. the one thing that i find interesting is i am aware of this, and sub-consciously i change patterns because i get bored very easily. i just thought that was interesting, and a little strange.
so ya, i am feeling a little blah right now. i was supposed to meet jeff's parents tonight. i got all dressed up and stuff, and i looked really good. but now i am sitting in a gap t-shirt and i feel bad. it was my choice not to meet them. but i better back up and explain things. anyway, i was talking with jeff and he mentioned that i wouldn't be able to hug him or kiss him in front of his parents. he went for a nap and i thought about things. i hate that he won't introduce me as his boyfriend. he said its not a gay thing because he is out to his parents, but i don't believe that for one second. i know it would be awkward, but i think he just isn't willing to face that and get over it. i wanted to meet them. but i said i wouldn't go unless he introduces me as his boyfriend. that isn't happening. so i am sitting here wondering if i have a crazy syndrome and thinking that i don't like this situation at all. i feel worthless in a way because i am his big secret. its like he doesn't value our relationship enough to get over his fucking neuroses. i want a drink.
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posted at 10:30 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
did i mention that marilyn manson is SOLD OUT?! i am so fucking angry. i really wanted to see him. fuck!
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posted at 6:38 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'where i end and you begin' by radiohead
i am bloody bored. after spending hours looking at stuff on australia i have come to the conclusion i MUST move there. now. well, maybe not now. give me a few years. but i am moving. there. yes. and apparently adelaide is chocka with beardos, so i'm not moving there. and time for another survey. this is how fucking bored i am.
If I were a month, I'd be: december
If I were a day of the week, I'd be: thursday
If I were a time of day, I'd be: dusk
If I were a planet, I'd be: neptune
If I were a sea animal, I'd be: a dolphin
If I were a direction, I'd be: south
If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be: a table
If I were a sin, I'd be: jealousy most likely
If I were a historical figure, I'd be:
If I were a liquid, I'd be: blood
If I were a tree, I'd be: i don't know.... an old one. like the one in 'the fellowship of the ring' that tries to swallow merry and pippin
If I were a bird, I'd be: a crow
If I were a tool, I'd be: i don't know tools....
If I were a flower/plant, I'd be: a bloodflower
If I were a kind of weather, I'd be: a rainy day in gloomy old england :-D
If I were a mythical creature, I'd be: a gryphon
If I were a musical instrument, I'd be: a bassoon
If I were an animal, I'd be: a giraffe
If I were a color, I'd be: dark blue
If I were an emotion, I'd be: melancholy
If I were a vegetable, I'd be: broccoli
If I were a sound, I'd be: silence
If I were an element, I'd be: Au (silver)
If I were a car, I'd be: a mini cooper
If I were a song, I'd be: 'fake plastic trees' by radiohead
If I were a movie, I'd be: 'heaven' (dir. tom tykwer)
If I were a book, I'd be: 'less than zero' by bret easton ellis
If I were a food, I'd be: cheese
If I were a place, I'd be: northern ireland
If I were a material, I'd be: cotton
If I were a taste, I'd be: sweet
If I were a scent, I'd be: the smell after it rains
If I were a religion, I'd be: atheist (even though it is not a religion), or buddhist
If I were a word, I'd be: complicated
If I were an object, I'd be: a book
If I were a body part, I'd be: ear
If I were a facial expression, I'd be: pensive
If I were a subject in school, I'd be: russian literature
If I were a cartoon character, I'd be: donald duck (ever so misunderstood)
If I were a shape, I'd be: triangle
If I were a number, I'd be: 6
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posted at 5:07 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
this is an interesting article, and considering its on msnbc, its interesting to see that its not extremely right wing as they've been trying to shift that way.
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posted at 4:21 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, June 27, 2003
i have decided that i should inform the masses in north america about the delight that is moloko (yes, i know it is russian for milk, but i am speaking of the band, not the drink - i'm lactose intolerant). my god people, you have no idea what you are missing! the smooth sound of roisin murphy's voice on 'forevermore', then the synthesisers and vocal distortion kicks in and the song just builds and builds. and 'familiar feelings' which has to be the greatest single released this year so far (aside from the new ladytron single 'evil', which kicks arse in its own right). anyway, that is my rant for now. now go and buy/download/bootleg moloko!
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posted at 7:53 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, June 26, 2003
i am joining the evil empire! lol. i'm getting an iBook in a few weeks. i am sooooooooooooooooo excited. bye to this shite HP and hello to apple!
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posted at 11:07 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
i wish i was somewhere else. where? you say.. i wish i was sitting in a little artist's loft studio apartment, an easel in front of me, smoking a cigarette and painting as the sun rises. a cup of coffee on a stool beside me, good intentions flowing from my brush, artistic vision actually meaning something to me instead of a grandiose notion floating through my mind but not being able to exit my finger tips. i wish i was artistic, instead of boring... bored. instead i am laying in bed listening to pj harvey and wishing i knew what it was like to live in her skin for a day.
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posted at 4:03 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
i just got the greatest phone call in the world... from switzerland! yay vicky! it was so great to hear her voice. my god, i can't wait to see her again, its going to be fantastic. four months is too long not to have my best friend here. yay for september and vicky coming back!
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posted at 3:14 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
i am officially addicted :-)
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posted at 9:55 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
before i go to bed (i've been drooling over the thought of getting an iPod), jeff said one of the greatest things anyone has said to me earlier tonight. i was talking about how sometimes it freaks me out when he overly compliments me (well, in my mind at least), and he said 'you know what, no one really appreciated you.' i felt so good when he said that. i guess its weird to hear him say all this nice stuff about me when in the past i've had certain people treat me like shit.
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posted at 3:43 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'this everyday life' by speedstar*
well then, that lasted a whole half a day. we're back together. but things are different. i think i freaked out because i needed things to slow the fuck down and i didn't know how to express it. i don't want a husband right now. i just want someone there. and thats where we stand.
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posted at 1:15 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
music right now: 'shining light' by ash
fuck it fuck it fuck it. i'm tired of feeling like shite. i felt this way the entire time i was with jeff. i always felt like something was wrong in the relationship and now i am out of it and for the first time in a long time i feel free. i don't need anyone to make me happy, i have to do that myself. i never wanted him to fill that hole i sometimes feel i have inside of me, but he wanted to anyway. well fuck it. i am here, its the summer, its fucking hot and humid and windy out and i feel like this is the time. i'm bursting out. fuck it all, if i am going out i am going out with a bang. its time to have fun and just be relaxed and most of all be myself.
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posted at 6:45 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
its over. i feel like everything is falling apart and i might be making the biggest mistake of my life. fuck.
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posted at 6:13 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
the end is the beginning is the end..... this is not good. i am hurting a boy. i don't want this.
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posted at 1:20 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
hmmmm, life is too complicated. the weather here sucks. its too fucking hot and i cannot stand the humidity. i want to be in australia right now. its like the perfect temperature in sydney at this moment and i wish i was there. but i'm not. but i did get a call from there this afternoon (morning there on tuesday). my friend daniel rang me while he was getting ready for work and i had just gotten home from work. it was cool. he has THE sexiest aussie accent lol.
anyway, life is complicated. i like this guy james. he's really cute, and i like talking to him and stuff. but i can't bring myself to breaking jeff's heart. i don't know how i'm going to do this. i have to tell him. soon. he's going to cry. i'm going to cry. this is going to end badly.
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posted at 1:02 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
oooh, i found a new band that i really really like: speedstar*. they're from brisbane (go aussies!), and they are sooooooooooooooo fucking good.
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posted at 12:35 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, June 22, 2003
music right now: 'say goodnight' by mary beth chapman
i ended up rewatching the first part of the series finale of dawson's creek and the second part with jeff last night. i cried my eyes out. i haven't felt that sad in a long time and everything just came out. it didn't feel good though. i still feel like there is this void there that only i can fill, and i don't know how to do that. i need to get out of here. i feel like i'm suffocating. i'm drowning. i just need a break from montreal. i might go to my grandparents cabin sometime. that would be nice.
jeff loves me. he told me that last night. i'm going to end up breaking his heart. this isn't good.
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posted at 5:39 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, June 21, 2003
music right now: 'say goodbye' by mary beth chapman
i just watched the first part of the series finale of dawson's creek and i'm still crying from it. i feel like watching a part of my life being put away on a shelf. its done, its over with. i've written this before, but dawson's creek was probably the most important show i ever watched in high school. i started off watching the episode where jack comes out. well, watching the final episode is like realising i can never go back. if i had the chance i would do it all over again. i fucked high school up so bad. if i was the person i am now back then things would be totally different. i'm just depressed that i can never change that.
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posted at 6:42 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, June 20, 2003
music right now: 'slow burn' by david bowie
i'm bored. i want my flatmate to come home. he always livens things up. i am fucking bored. so i stole this from mikey's livejournal, and you now have the pleasure of reading it :-)
Opening Credits: 'the bitter end' by placebo
Average-day scene: 'more more more' by kylie minogue
Best-friend scene: 'little l' by jamiroquai
First-date scene: 'familiar feeling' by moloko
Falling-in-love scene: 'put your arms around me' by texas
Love scene: 'saint' by texas
Fight-with-friend scene: 'a place called home' by pj harvey
Break-up scene: 'the scientist' by coldplay
Get-back-together scene: 'please forgive me' by david gray
Wedding scene: 'fear and love' by morcheeba
Long-night-alone scene: 'take me somewhere nice' by mogwai
Heartbreak scene: 'the last day of summer' by the cure
Mental-breakdown scene: 'h?n jor?' by sigur r?s
Driving scene: 'breathe' by télépopmusik
Deep-thought scene: 'battery in your leg' by blur
Regret scene: 'where i end and you begin' by radiohead
Lesson-learning scene: 'no regrets' by robbie williams
"Life's okay" scene: 'parade' by garbage
Party at house scene: 'here i am' by delta goodrem
Happy dance scene: 'can't make up my mind' by sonique
Flashback scene: 'you and me' by the cranberries
Death scene: 'the funeral party' by the cure
Closing credits: 'here to stay' by new order
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posted at 8:24 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
music right now: 'lover's spit' by broken social scene
i want an icelandair mastercard!!! i was looking at all the cool gay getaway packages that icelandair offers and i came across the mastercard that they offer. i want it!
so, i want to do something with this blog. it needs a totally new look. anyone know of a good webserver? i tried one a while ago, but that was a disaster. i wasn't even able to log in. so any suggestions would be much appreciated.
i am so tired right now. but i've written more in the past few days than i have in the past month and a half, so i am excited. i'm working on this short story and its becoming more like a novella. who knows how long it might get, and for once i'm excited about it.
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posted at 7:27 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, June 16, 2003
oh, i totally forgot the best part of unity last night - bogdan was there! lol. i had no idea i would run into him there, but he was there and i dragged him dancing with my friends. i hope he doesn't think i'm a big freak.
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posted at 4:31 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
i think jeff is falling in love with me. this isn't good.
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posted at 1:47 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, June 15, 2003
music right now: 'taller than god' by strawpeople
so, i had two tongues shoved down my throat, and neither of them were my boyfriends. this is not good. i have no idea what the fuck happened, but i don't feel so good today. i feel just a little used, and a little confused. worst of all is i have yet to tell jeff what happened, and i am dreading that convo. shite. anyway, i didn't hear from him at all yesterday, which pissed me off to no end because he refuses to leave voicemail messages. i hate that. i swear, either he starts leaving messages or we're done.
anyway, i met the ubiquitous giancarlo last night. finally. who is he you ask? well, my friend anthony whom i work with at the bookstore used to date this bloke, giancarlo, and i have heard so much shit about him that it built up this little mythology around him. makes me wonder. well, at unity last night i finally met him. and i must say, he is different from how i pictured him. for one he is sooooooooo tall. another, he looks a little like anthony. its funny. anyway, apparently he has heard a lot about me from anthony, so it makes me wonder what he has been told. oh well.
on another note, i saw the hottest guy ever there last night. i actually met him, because he's from sherwood park (near fort saskatchewan, where i grew up), and i nearly died when i met him. he is so gorgeous. but i wouldn't have a hope in hell even if he lived in montreal (he lives in ottawa doing some internship for stats canada). but ya...
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posted at 6:21 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, June 14, 2003
music right now: 'familiar feeling' by moloko
i worked for eleven and a half hours straight. needless to say i am trashed at the moment and i am going to unity. life is good.
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posted at 10:40 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
music right now: 'where i end and you begin' by radiohead
best. radiohead. song. ever.
i have been feeling weird as of late. the conversation i had with lauro on AIM just added to this feeling inside. i feel like bursting at the seems i don't know what to do.
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posted at 1:18 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
music right now: 'overrated' by siobhan donaghy
so, we are a step closer to being allowed to get married. i am overjoyed. i am just so happy that sometime soon i would be able to run off to niagara falls and get married if i so choose. straight couples can do it, and so will i be able to. that makes me feel so good.
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posted at 2:43 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'lover's spit' by broken social scene
i love queer as folk. no matter how much some people in the gay community may bitch about it, i love it for what it is - a somewhat unrealistic but charming, sweet, fun show to watch. i love that brad and i have a regular night which we watch it together. its nice to know that if anything, we have that show in common. yay for flatmate bonding!
so, i think i may buy hillary clinton's new book, living history. i think that woman is amazing. she's so strong and intelligent and everything that dubya is not. i hope she runs for president sometime soon. the world could use her as one of its leaders. speaking of strong women, if you haven't heard of aung san suu kyi then you are missing out on one of the most incredible stories ever. i hope the junta in myanmar (burma) releases her soon. go and rent beyond rangoon, its about the situation in that country and she is important in it. sort of like the dalai lama in relation to tibet. only she is still in the country and is the democratically elected leader though the military is in control.
i had a long conversation on msn with jeff about our fucked up pasts. he's special. i can't fuck this up. being the right twat that i am, that might be a bit of a stretch. but i'm honestly having fun and i just want it to stay this way.
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posted at 3:30 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, June 07, 2003
music right now: 'get busy' by sean paul
off to unity again. i swear, that place is my second home. the different tonight is i look like eurotrash, which is fun :-D
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posted at 9:59 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, June 06, 2003
music right now: 'this is love' by p.j. harvey
i am sick yet again. this is driving me up the fucking wall. anyway, today i went shopping with jeff. we went to the salvation army and village des valeurs (his idea, he's cheap), and the le château entrepôt (my idea). i bought these great black pinstripe pants and a button up shirt that is very cool and very gay at the same time. i LOVE it.
speaking of fashion, i may be one of the only people who thinks this, but i adore emmett's style in queer as folk. not only is he my favourite character, i love the way he dresses. he's soooooo much fun lol
anyway, i should get some sleep. i work for eight hours tomorrow afternoon and then i am off to see mambo italiano with jeff :-D
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posted at 1:53 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, June 02, 2003
music right now: 'stay' by dave gahan
so this summer is turning out to be the summer of concert. aside from the already mentioned placebo concert in july and björk in august, dave gahan (the lead singer of depeche mode) is coming the day before my birthday, so i think i am going to see him as well :-) hurrah!
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posted at 3:38 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
i heard what i wanted to hear, and i feel good now. in all the relationships i've had before jeff there was always the notion that there is an expiry date on what we have, what we will have. but thats gone now. i was walking with jeff and he said 'i still want to be friends if we ever break up'. not 'i still want to be friends when we break up'. thats all i wanted to know. i don't know if this is it, if this is the last relationship i will ever have, but at least i don't have to feel like time is ticking down for us. i don't know where it will go, or what will happen in the next week, month, or even year, but all i know is that i don't have to worry. and that is the best feeling in the world.
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posted at 1:06 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, June 01, 2003
i'm bored and still slightly drunk from sky this afternoon, so i am doing this quiz that i found on mikey's livejournal.
Five details about your appearance right now...
[x] i'm wearing all black
[x] i have my favourite (space fb) sweater on
[x] my hair is spikey at the front
[x] i'm not wearing any jewelry
[x] i probably look tired
Five things you did today
[x] woke up at three lying next to jeff
[x] went and saw an apartment for jeff and his flatmate chris
[x] drank at 6 in the evening
[x] ate chips (fries for all you americans) with mayonnaise and ketchup
[x] listened to david bridie (as per usual)
Five memorable things that happened in the last year...
[x] got through second year in a better programme than before
[x] lost a few kilogrammes at christmas even though i am as thin as a rake right now
[x] took queer history which was the most amazing class ever
[x] moved twice
[x] dated a few great guys and had my heart broken
Five things that everyone should know about you...
[x] i've come to the point where i'm tired of just doing things because i am young
[x] i fall in love easily and falling out of love is super difficult
[x] i am my worst critic
[x] i have tonnes of flaws and i can name them all
[x] i just want to be happy for once without all the shite that comes along with getting to that point
Five of your favorite bands...
[x] placebo
[x] sigur rós
[x) t.A.T.u.
[x] mogwai
[x] coldplay
Five of your favorite musical artists...
[x] björk
[x] tori amos
[x] david bridie
[x] delta goodrem
[x] kylie minogue
Five favorite songs of the moment...
[x] 'familiar feeling' by moloko
[x] 'ne ver', ne bojsia, ne prosi' by t.A.T.u.
[x] 'here i am' by delta goodrem
[x] 'the bitter end' by placebo
[x] 'hotel radio' by david bridie
Five favorite movies...
[x] the sweet hereafter
[x] the hours
[x] solaris
[x] dancer in the dark
[x] wonderland
Five things that make you happy...
[x] waking up knowing that someone is thinking of me
[x] hearing the start of 'all the things she said' at unity
[x] holding a boys hand in public and not giving a shit what people think
[x] knowing that i am alive right now
[x] seeing the sun rise after being up all night
Five people who mean a lot to you... (I love all of the rest of you, too...but I didn’t list all names, for fear I would forget someone.)
[x] vicky
[x] my mum
[x] daniel
[x] lauro
[x] you! (whomever is reading this because you care enough to do just that)
Five things that disgust you
[x] the religious right
[x] bill o'reilly
[x] racism and intolerance disguised as american patriotism
[x] the canadian alliance
[x] tolerance (because its a fucking cop out - acceptance is the only thing i want)
Five things that impress you...
[x] people who are honest no matter what
[x] those who are themselves even if it is difficult
[x] optimism in the face of adversity
[x] quiet intelligence
[x] people who know what they want and go for it without so much as a word
Five things that don't impress you...
[x] cockiness
[x] americans complaining when they chose to come to canada for university (twats)
[x] queens who think they are better than everyone
[x] bitchiness when it isn't necessary or welcome
[x] flippancy
Five things you can't live without...
[x] my friends
[x] music
[x] the internet
[x] my identity
[x] the feeling that i am not alone
Five things you'll do when you complete this...
[x] listen to more music
[x] watch 'law and order' with braden
[x] drink water because my mouth feels like the sahara
[x] perhaps decide to go to bed
[x] maybe watch dancer in the dark
Five things you feel right now...
[x] tired
[x] confused
[x] ambivalent
[x] emotional
[x] slightly sad
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posted at 9:53 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'the messenger' by the tea party
i am going to get my heart smashed to bits. and so i guess i am removing myself from the situation in a way that makes everything too weird. what am i talking about? well, i am dating jeff now. but the thing is i am looking for something different than he is, and i lied about it. i am looking for something long term. i keep telling myself that i am not looking for a husband, which is partially true, but if i meet him along the way then i am not going to reject the situation. i don't know what to think right now. anyway, last night at unity i met up with james, who is this really cute guy i have been interested in for a while but just met finally. i get the feeling that he is more stable than jeff, and i am at a loss as to what to do. i like jeff, he's such a sweet guy. but i don't know if i can get myself into a relationship that seems doomed from the start.
the other thing that kind of bothers me is he said he isn't looking for a husband, or anything super serious, but jeff is already talking about introducing me to his parents and he wants to take me to sudbury (where he is from). i am too confused.
Reading: The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism
Naomi Klein God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
Christopher Hitchens Copenhagen
Time Out City Guides
Seeing: Juno
Jason Reitman Annie Hall
Woody Allen There Will Be Blood
Paul Thomas Anderson
Listening to: Boxer
The National The Fountain: OST
Clint Mansell In Rainbows
Radiohead
