music right now: 'windmills' by toad the wet sprocket
on a whim i bought 'latter days' yesterday at metro video. i watched it for the second time this afternoon and i am still tearing up from it. you know those films that hit you like a punch to the face. ya, this is one of them.
i don't know why, for the longest time i had not changed my favourite film. 'the sweet hereafter' stuck around in number one and nothing came close to touching it. then i saw 'garden state' and was blown away by that. and now i have seen 'latter days' and for the second time in a month i have a new favourite film. there is just something so raw and true to it that it cuts deep. i think the mark of a great film is one that changes your perception of the world and what it means to be alive.
for the longest time i have gotten myself into relationships that were never ever equal. i was the person who felt too much or too little. never ever equal. and i guess i have gotten sick and tired of it. i can't keep living my life to make other people happy. i have to live for me or else i might as well just die. i see my mum, who has for years sacrificed so much and i regret for her. i wish she had the opportunity to follow whatever her dreams were when she was younger. i wish she had that.
my point in relation to the film is i guess i place myself in the role of aaron in terms of my emotional headspace. the funny thing is kyle puts himself as christian. that is kind of a first, him placing himself on any sort of scale in comparison to a fictional character. like we say we are like certain people on 'queer as folk' but that is superficial.
so ya, as i was saying, i have come to wonder if i will ever find that equality. it scares me to death. but the funny thing is, sometimes the hardest things in life to find are there right under your nose. i'm not saying that my situation is the case, i just have to stand back and be by myself in order to see where i fit.
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posted at 5:50 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, September 24, 2004
music right now: 'twenty years' by placebo
vicky had a good point when she questioned me on what i wrote last night. in a sense why am i judging porn when people enjoy it and those who are in it are doing so of their own free will. i guess i have an unclear position on how i feel about pornography in general. at times i am shocked and disgusted by the idea yet at other times i find that it serves a purpose and it shouldn't be censored (except in obvious cases). it comes down to this: yes it is a profession like any other (albeit a nude one), and whatever acts they engage in are hopefully safe and monitored for any potential abuses. but strip clubs i find are a different breed. when you have to get fucked up on drugs/alcohol to do your job then it crosses the line from being just another job into the realm of being a violation of sorts. if you can't do something in a rational sober state of mind, then it obviously is demeaning and that is what i object to. when you see people in porn or in these strip clubs and you see a certain fear in their eyes, it just makes you feel weak in a way. i don't know, i just get affected when i see someone suffering because they have to do that to feed themselves.
if they enjoy it and love the work, more power to them.
the other thing is i have noticed that a lot of porn sites are run by older (dodgy) men. that i kind of object to as well. if someone really enjoys being in porn, there are resources out there to do it yourself. all you need is a webcam and internet access. it's not hard. but these older men are in a considerable position of power. money talks, unfortunately, and when you are desperate and need the cash then there are almost no limits to which people won't go to in order to fulfill basic needs.
i guess it has hit close to home lately. i was on a chat service a few months ago (i don't use them anymore, they are useless for anything beyond a fuck) and within the span of ten minutes i had an offer to be in porn and an offer to give an old man a handjob (for money). obviously i said no. i have just begun to wonder who respects boundaries anymore. in the gay scene it seems like very few people do.
back to porn. i think it is easy to distance yourself from the people in it when you don't know them. they go by fake names and aren't people you will ever meet. but i was just kinda shocked to see someone i know doing that. he's a smart person, can do a lot with his life. if he enjoys it that is great, but it makes me wonder if people who get into porn for a few weeks or whatever realise the lasting consequences. you can never hold certain jobs. if they resurface in the future or a family member or friend happens to come across something you did, what will happen then? what happens when your boyfriend/girlfriend finds it?
i just wonder.
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posted at 2:01 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
the world disgusts me some times. i have never ever liked strip clubs, and after being at two tonight i can say that i hate them even more. i just find that it is degrading.... the only thing that i can think to describe it is 'soul raping'. selling something that is so fundamentally yours because of someone elses' base instincts is not a line of work i respect. i understand why people do it and i do not ever hold it against them. a buck is a buck no matter how you get it. but in the end that is something that you cannot share with whomever you end up with, simply because everyone has seen it all.
i accidentally hit a porn site tonight and saw the roommate of a guy i kinda saw on it. i literally started crying. this boy is fucking gorgeous and he was getting fucked for money. shit i just wish sometimes i could do something. fuck it all.
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posted at 4:08 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, September 19, 2004
music right now: 'i know you are but what am i?' by mogwai
unfortunately this is a false start to autumn, the season i love most. the weather forecast calls for warmer weather towards the end of the week. for some reason, i want it to be autumn. something in my bones is aching for the pace of life to slow down from its' deafening roar. this past summer has proved a few things to me:
a) i am no longer a teenager or a first/second year uni student, so i cannot keep behaving like one. i see all these people streaming down prince arthur towards st-laurent on the weekend and i cannot help but cringe knowing that they are throwing away so much time of their lives being drunk and acting foolish.
b) my lifestyle needs to change in some basic fundamental ways. endless weeks of clubbing and wasting away my time just doesn't appeal to me like it once did. i haven't been to unity on a saturday (or friday) in like three weeks. it's a good feeling to kind of detach myself from that place for a while. too much negative energy.
basically i feel like settling down. this feeling has come in waves in the past, quick little bursts, but it has been creeping into my blood and my bones for the last few weeks. i guess it has finally hit me that life doesn't start at any particular set date. i always assumed that it would be when i graduated and moved to toronto. but maybe just maybe the problem hasn't been the time/location/situation, but what my perception of what life is supposed to entail. you can shove it into a corner, pretend like this isn't it, but in my belief there is one shot at it. i guess coming from an atheistic perspective i have to give it my all now and not hope that there is some miraculous life after death. it's such an excuse for inaction. all i can hope anymore is that my eyes stay open and aware to the fact that when i walk down the street something thought-provoking and revellatory is always happening. i just need to know where to look.
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posted at 11:31 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, September 18, 2004
music right now: 'in my own time' by delta goodrem
this week was long. every second seemed dragged out forever. all i wanted was some sanity and some sleep.
something happened this week that made me realise my mortality. i won't specifically say what, but i have come to realise that we all have a tenuous grasp on life and at any moment it can disappear in a flash. i never fully comprehended how many people depend on me at any given time until i woke up that morning and knew that life in itself is precious.
i had the greatest conversation with my mum last night. while it was on msn, it still felt great and i know that every word of it was truth. i miss her. and steffanie. and even my brother, which feels strange to say because we used to fight like cats and dogs. i guess blood is stronger than anything.
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posted at 2:33 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, September 10, 2004
ss music right now: 'psychobabble' by frou frou
despite the horridness of one specific show (*cough*joey*cough), the telly treated me fairly well last night while i was wallowing in my illness. i'm better today, thankfully.
anyway, 'joey' sucked. big time. whomever thought up that bright idea should be promptly sacked. it lacked any of the soul, wit, and character that made 'friends' good. hopefully it won't be around for long.
i caught the end of 'canadian idol' and was kinda blown away by the whole thing. this year has been extremely good for talent, and the final three were incredible. it sucks that jacob was eliminated because he really has a lot to offer. the other two, while of course being highly talented and such, are safe. that's it, they are safe choices. but jacob is different, androgynous in a way, much like brian molko from placebo or even early david bowie. my guess is that he will be big no matter what, and the fact that he didn't win the competition almost gives him more credibility because he will have (and probably already does have) a record contract based on his talent alone, not the fact that he won a glorified talent competition. and the judges, they actually made me respect the show for a few seconds. like watching the first season of 'american idol' i realised how those judges (especially simon) don't seem to really give a shit about the people they are supposed to judge. it was kind of like a day job for them. but the 'canadian idol' judges were the complete opposite. they had something great to say about every one of the final three, and you could see that they actually connected with these people as performers. especially zach when he was holding back the tears as jacob was eliminated. that was quite something to see.
i cannot believe i just defended 'canadian idol'. maybe i am sicker than i thought, lol.
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posted at 11:48 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, September 06, 2004
music right now: 'six days at the bottom of the ocean' by explosions in the sky
too much emotion right now. last night started out promising and ended in a fucked up way. i won't go into details, but seeing your ex being violated and not being able to stop it is the worst feeling imaginable. i feel so fucking guilty and i just don't know what to do. every time i breathe i am in pain and it's such a hard feeling to control.
a few good things came out of the evening. i think matthew and i are getting back together. i want to take this slow. if it goes anywhere i need to be cautious and 100% sure of what i am getting into. no more child's play, no more fucking games. life starts here and i have to face it instead of drowning myself in the scene.
i had a nap tonight and the dreams i had scared me. i'm pretty sure i cried the entire time. basically it was like a changing scene, i was trying to wake up and then in the dream i would and my life was a little different from what it is now. every time i would realise that i was not awake i would cry again. at one point my friend ariel had decided not to go back to ottawa and we were going to get food because i was hungry. then i realised it wasn't real and tried to wake up again. suddenly i was in seattle for some reason. i've never been there. but for a second i was happy. when i realised it wasn't real i cried again.
i think what i am realising is that i don't know if there is anything left to live for. this is not a suicide note by any means, i am just realising that i have to change that. i guess it's come time to move on. i wish that meant that i was leaving montreal. i love this city but it is eating me alive. time for a change of scenery. time to live in reality and not the little box that the nightlife here entails.
when i walked home last night i passed the crime scene on st-laurent. it is so weird to think that happened here, barely three blocks from where i live. death surrounds us. a girl at mcgill died in the dorms this weekend. she was younger than me.
i guess i am just realising that things are done. in my life i've had glimpses of happiness. these little flashes where everything was perfect for a few seconds. they never last but i want them to be more frequent. i want to not have to regret getting up in the morning, or to cry because i have to wake up to reality.
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posted at 11:49 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
music right now: 'am i wry? no' by mew
so classes start today. it's the final year of mcgill and i am not quite sure what to think.
tonight i saw 'a home at the end of the world' with mikey. incidentally we sat next to professor bray in the screening. she seemed a little surprised when i said hello to her after it.
the film was excellent. colin farrell can actually act. who would have thunk it?
sunday i saw 'we don't live here anymore' with mikey. stunned is the only word i can use to describe how i felt after seeing it. it was an amazing piece of cinema, but i have yet to string together the words to describe how it makes me think of life/love.
can't wait to see philippe again. should be great fun :-)
this post isn't very deep, but i am tired and school is fast approaching.
Reading: The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism
Naomi Klein God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
Christopher Hitchens Copenhagen
Time Out City Guides
Seeing: Juno
Jason Reitman Annie Hall
Woody Allen There Will Be Blood
Paul Thomas Anderson
Listening to: Boxer
The National The Fountain: OST
Clint Mansell In Rainbows
Radiohead
