thank god for best friends. i haven't seen vicky for about a month and it is killing me. i swear, i wish i could just walk to her apartment right now and watch sex and the city with her, or just chat or whatever. i wrote her a really long email yesterday and the response i got back made me feel so good. i love her to death and it sucks that she isn't here, but she is having the time of her life in lausanne, so i can live with that.
did i mention how in love with delta goodrem i am? i absolutely adore her music. i swear, she has such a pure and raw voice. its great. and she comes from the pool of talent that is neighbours (which has such alums as kylie minogue, natalie imbruglia, holly valance, and the ever-shaggable jesse spencer). but yes, everyone, listen to delta goodrem!
so, i went out tonight for the third night in a row. tonight jeff, his friend adrian, and i went to parking. it was really fun. wow, i swear, i am having so much fun with jeff right now. ugh, i could just kiss him all night *this is me glowing*. oh, and they played two amazing songs at parking, 'the bitter end' by placebo, and 'its in our hands' by björk (it was an amazing remix). hehehe, i am so happy at this moment, you have no idea.
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posted at 4:07 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, May 29, 2003
i am dying to see 'mambo italiano'. it looks like the perfect date movie :-)
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posted at 4:39 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
mmm so unity last night was a blast. i haven't had that much fun there since ian and i went on a sunday night and ended up doing speed with the stereo tattoo guy. anyway, it was just fun all around. the music was great (i've come to the conclusion that 'all the things she said' by t.A.T.u. is one of my favourite songs of all time). and jeff is so cute. my god, that boy can kiss. tonight i am going to his place for dinner. he is having friends over and invited me. then we are going out to most likely parking. looks like another late night for me :-)
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posted at 4:11 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
so ya, i had a sad dream last night and i am going to get it out before i forget it. basically i was pregnant (more like pseudo-pregnant), and everyone around me seemed to humour me and went along with it even though i was a guy in the dream (life in real life). so, i remember that i was alone in carrying this baby, and that i found out it was a girl and i had named her cerys (pronounced 'kerus' - its a beautiful welsh name i plan on naming my daughter when/if i adopt her). my brother then tried to snap me out of it and at that point i lost the baby. i woke up crying, i was so distraught. but i was still partially dreaming so i went back to sleep and tried to will the baby back to existence - that didn't work. is it possible for a guy to have maternal instincts? if so, i have tremendous maternal instincts, which is funny because i used to say i hate children and don't want any (i want one or two now).
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posted at 2:15 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'love' by delta goodrem
i think i expect too much sometimes. take example the beginning of relationships. i do certain things (like stop talking about other boys, not vocally checking them out with the people i am with, etc..), but the people i have dated rarely ever do that. i wonder if maybe there is something wrong with me? like why do i do that? i guess i just do it hoping that maybe they shall as well. but that doesn't happen. and then i get sad. and then i screw things up in my mind. maybe i should just tell that part of me to fuck off for a bit and let things go where they are going. christ, he's not even my boyfriend yet and already i want to be affectionate in public (then again, jeff and i held hands on the métro tonight, which only nick ever did with me). thank god i'm seeing donna (my therapist) tomorrow morning. i have way too much to talk about - i am bursting at the seems.
a sad little bit of news - someone killed themselves in my building this morning by throwing themselves off the balcony (i live in a 19 floor high rise). so needless to say i was shaken up when i heard that. i was on my way to meet jeff at beaudry métro when this guy mustafa (i used to work with him) saw me and told me the story. i walked off in tears. i can't believe someone would do something so fucking stupid...
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posted at 1:26 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
music right now: 'lover's spit' by broken social scene
and i am excited about a boy again :-) life is good. i was so in this whole 'i hate everything, love is a myth, blah blah blah' schtick, but in the end i should just shut up and go with the flow. so ya, i am excited. his name is jeff and he's very different from all the other boys i've been into/dated/etc.. so ya, i shall see how this goes
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posted at 3:38 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
vicky sends me to some of the sickest shit i have ever seen on the internet. case in point...
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posted at 3:20 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, May 26, 2003
ooooh, cute boy is coming over :-D
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posted at 4:03 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
life is toooo complicated. case in point: i somehow managed to get myself into an open relationship with this guy, who shall be known as k. anyway, with k i cannot say no even though i want to. so, somehow i agreed. anyway, i am not interested in him in the least bit, especially after he told me that he ended up in laval somehow a week ago with some guy (he swears they didn't do anything, but since he can't remember getting to laval how can i trust that?). so yeah, i've been sort of seeing a few guys, seeing how things go before i commit to anything. i have a few that i am definitely interested in, and if the chance arose i would date them (monogamously, of course). the funny thing is that k treats our 'relationship' like a marriage, which is strange given our circumstances. we didn't talk for a few days, and he seemed to think i was angry with him (i wasn't, i just didn't care too much to talk to him with the way things are). so yeah, i am going to have to talk to him tonight and tell him i don't want to do this any more
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posted at 3:55 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, May 25, 2003
music right now: 'que des mots' by france d'amour
the most random thing happened last night. i ended up meeting this guy rigo from talinn (estonia) through a friend of a friend of a friend. anyway, he started speaking to me in russian and we like had a crazy drunken russian conversation. it was very strange to say the least.
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posted at 3:01 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
a little something for the too much information department: why do i feel like i've been anally raped? i have no idea. i haven't had sex in the longest time, so this should not be the case...
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posted at 12:53 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'be mine' by david gray
well that was a disaster. half the people i invited to my housewarming didn't come and i got really drunk and ugh, i think brad most likely thinks i'm a loser. anyway, he had so many people here and i felt so ugly. i just could not believe how hot his friends are, and yeah, my confidence went way down...
the worst thing is there is this guy john that i like. he makes me excited, which hasn't happened with a guy in a long time. so yeah, he ran off at unity and i am right pissed at him. like i understand if he wanted to leave or something, but he could have told me. so ya i feel a little rejected right now. i'm tired of having to pick myself up off the ground and starting again. argh.
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posted at 12:47 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, May 24, 2003
music right now: 'ne ver, ne bojsia, ne prosi ' by tATu
nooooooooooooooooo! tATu lost eurovision! damned belgians and turks!
You are an INFP!
As an INFP, you are Intraverted, iNtuative, Feeling , Perceiving.
This makes your primary focus on Introverted Feeling with Extraverted Intuition.
This is defined as a NF personality, which is part of Carl Jung's Idealist (Identity Seeking) type, and more specifically the Healers or Idealist
As a weblogger, you have wonderful words to express your feelings because of your idealism. Because you don't like conflict, you may be likely to make one list of links and leave it for a long time without updating for fear of offending.
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posted at 6:18 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'dj' by h and claire
so yeah, my life is sucking right now. i am so unmotivated and don't feel like doing shite. i swear it has something to do with the weather we are experiencing. its all rainy and cloudy - its utterly depressing. what do i feel like doing? i don't know... i want something to happen. i want fireworks! i want passion! (to quote samantha from sex and the city). i am not in a bad mood, don't get me wrong. i've been happier in the past while than i have been in years. i just feel like i am in stasis. something has to happen and soon or i am going to go insane!
my internet died this week. fuck vidéotron. the worst thing was i was in a long conversation with karim and i couldn't tell him that it was my internet until last night. anyway....
life is boring as usual. i believe nana (the drag queen at sky) is in love with me. that's just great. i don't need that right now. nana is great, but a little too old for me (sorry). meanwhile i have been meeting guys left right and centre, and none of them are ones that i like. well, i did meet this guy john, but i don't know if i am his type at all. he's very cute though, and a writer to boot. the sad thing is i keep on looking at past relationships and wanting to be in them again. i just find that no guys excite me anymore. i don't get that feeling that i did when i was with, for example, nick or lauro. i just feel blah..
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posted at 2:31 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, May 18, 2003
a little something nicked from mikey's livejournal. enjoy :-)
Choose a musical artist, and answer the questions with only their song titles.
I chose: The Cranberries
1. Are you male or female?: Analyse
2. Describe yourself: Wake Up And Smell The Coffee
3. How do some people feel about you?: Dreams
4. How do you feel about yourself?: Dying Inside
5. Describe an old girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: You And Me
6. Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: When You're Gone
7. Where would you rather be?: New New York
8. Where are you?: Shattered
9. Describe what you want to be: This Is The Day
10. Describe how you live: Zombie
11. Describe how you want to love: Linger
12. Share a few words of wisdom: No Need To Argue
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posted at 5:49 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'bigmouth strikes again' by placebo
well i've decided to have a moratorium on drinking for a while. i was a bit of a slut last night (safely of course), but still i should be a lot more careful when it comes to those things. i cannot believe how my tolerance is always so low even though sometimes i drink like a fish. well thats not going to happen anymore. i'll drink of course, but not as much. but then again i got rid of my cold this week with alcohol.... no, bad me.
anyway, i have befriended the drag queen nana at unity. soooo very nice. and hot as a man too.
i want ben and gerry's despite the fact i will be violently ill if i do.
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posted at 5:09 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
i'm fucking sick. i cannot believe this. i feel like someone is sitting on my chest. argh!
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posted at 12:18 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
music right now: 'remind me' by röyksopp
i feel subdued right now. life is kind of at a standstill and i'm waiting for it to get moving again. i work tomorrow - what else is new? so yeah, i'm just sitting around listening to music for most of my days. i'm unsure what i can do. i have to apply for three jobs today or tomorrow, but i'm procrastinating because thats more fun than paperwork. i feel confused, is this what summer is supposed to feel like? last year was completely different. i am unaware of what time it is half the time, the hours float by like clouds and i want to grab onto one and find my way out of here. out of this boring mess i find myself in, out of this apartment, out into the open air and sunshine where i can get a tan and perhaps look hot. doubtful in my mind that something like that should happen, i remain inside, imprisoned by the winds and rain that seem to be blanketing montréal. i now know the true meaning of the word 'boredom'. there is nothing on the telly, and if there was i wouldn't want to watch it anyway. my mind is full of sitcom plots and it drives me to drink. i'm so sick of watching someone elses life evolve infront of me on a screen while mine is in stasis. i need to move, i need to run, i need to do somthing, bring on the sun!
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posted at 5:47 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, May 11, 2003
music right now: 'headstrong (relentless vocal mix)' by tilt ft. maria nayler
looking back on the last little while gets me thinking a lot more about what i want and whether i am finding it here. i love montréal, don't get me wrong, but i just don't feel like this is the place for me at this moment. thats a strange feeling indeed. i think since i've basically been here for two years (with a few little breaks), i am getting sick of the city and the feel and i just need some sort of vacation.
so my weekend of debauchery is over lol. well, i had a date friday night and one saturday night. friday was with this guy kyle that i had been talking to for a while. so anyway, we went for subway and then the see the movie identity. very good movie btw. then we came back here and watched an episode of the third season of queer as folk (which i am soooooooo into right now). that date was ok, but he always seems distant and cold, and that bothers me to no end. and as well there is like no chance he'll ever stay over (i don't care if we have sex or anything, its just nice to not sleep alone), so i'm not sure how that will work. already he wants me to go to toronto with him and his friends at the end of the month... we'll see how that goes, but i don't know.
then last night was a date with chris, who just happens to be an ex of my ex mike. well, the date went really well up until the point where we were at unity. we slow danced to one song, which was nice, and then we kissed a bit, and that was strange. then he told me that he's confused and doesn't know if this is what he wants or something to that effect. that was like a kick to the stomach. seriously, if you are confused then why go on a date???
so i got home and talked to lauro on AIM and i realised something - i don't think i want a relationship right now. after all my other breakups i immediately wanted a relationship, whether it was to help me bounce back from the pain of rejection or just someone to hold onto. and of course i never got them right after a breakup. it was always a month to three month period where i'd go without a boy so much as looking at me. and now i have two boys that i've gone on dates with and i realise i don't want either. i know who i want to be with right now, and since that isn't possible or practical in most means then i think i should stay single until i find the guy that i want to be with and who doesn't make me wonder why the hell i am dating in the first place.
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posted at 2:30 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, May 10, 2003
music right now: 'satellite' by bt
what do dreams really mean? (btw, my cable was out, so no internet for three days really sucked) i had a very vivid dream not last night but the night before, and i won't name who was in it, but its totally changed everything i thought about that person. this isn't bad, its a very good thing i think. basically i was walking along, and i saw him, and didn't really recognise him. like i knew who he was, but didn't know his name. i did a double take and i saw him in a completely different light and everything seemed to make sense. i spent the vast majority of yesterday wondering what the fuck it meant, and after talking to donna (my counsellor) today about it and recalling a feeling i had a few weeks ago around this person i think i've found something i completely did not know was there. its weird, but i am happy in a way. i don't know what to do about it. i don't know if i want to tell him, and i want to talk with vicky about it soooooooooooo much right now, alas she is probably in lausanne. like these feelings aren't suddenly like i'm in love with him or anything, i just realised that i feel something that i didn't think i did before. dreams, i wonder...
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posted at 3:04 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
music right now: 'is that what everybody wants?' by cliff martinez (from the 'solaris' soundtrack)
i read an article on the global website about gay marriage. i get a lot of flack for my position and i feel its time to clarify. i know there are a lot of gay people who don't want to marry because its a heterosexual construct that exists and why should we put ourselves into their mould. i agree to an extent. but the fact remains i want the option. its wrong to deny a woman the right to do the same jobs a man does, even if they (such as being a soldier) may be based around a stereotypical "masculine construct" dealing with strength and aggressiveness (i don't agree with that necessarily, but i digress), so why deny gay and lesbian people the choice to marry? i may end up in a civil union in germany or australia one day, and that is MY CHOICE, as is the marriage option. by me saying that gay marriage should exist i mean as a choice, not as something forced upon you. if you don't want to marry then you are welcome to that. all the power to you. but when you deny someone that choice then in my view its like denying a woman the right to have an abortion if she so chooses. just because you would not do that yourself does not mean it should not exist, and that is a major part of the crux of the heterocentric argument against gay/lesbian marriage.
from my own view i would like to get married. not in a church, but on the beach or something with a justice of the peace presiding. my reasoning is that there is a certain respectability that comes with the idea of marriage that is not attached to civil unions. civil unions are a second class, something that is lower than marriage and seen as inferior. they mean well of course, but are not considered equal to marriage. that is my problem. equality does not equal sameness as lots of people argue. equality means the ability to participate equally in basic humans rights, whether you want to or not. like i said with the abortion example - you may not choose it for yourself, but the choice should still exist.
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posted at 1:42 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
i had curry for the first time in my life tonight. if i''m not careful i may get addicted to the stuff :-) i loved the feeling of it being spicy but not burn-y. its a good thing.
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posted at 2:19 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
today has been a day in the life... my life. i am glad to have lauro in my life. things were a bit scary for me at one point. with him not coming i saw it as an end and i didn't want that. i don't want to let go. i've let go in other ways, but i still want him here, laughing with me and just being there.
love is a funny thing. i was watching queer as folk tonight and almost had to stop myself from crying. emmett and ted seem so in love and i kind of want that right now. i don't know why. i know i'm young and should have fun while i can, but something in me wants to be picking out china patterns and porcelain tile and all that stuff. i want a relationship that might be forever. i've had relationships in the past and they never seemed to have that possibility even though i tried to tell myself that they might. am i being naive for wanting all this now?
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posted at 1:49 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, May 05, 2003
i'm angry and hurt and i just don't want to talk to lauro right now. he's not coming. i don't know what i did, but it feels like he's pulling away. he said that we would stay friends, but its over i can feel it. we're drifting and its never gonna be the same.
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posted at 2:38 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
back from unity.
so, ya, lauro left me a message on AIM and now i feel worse. i feel like an asshole, but like i just feel worthless being left to the last minute like this.
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posted at 1:28 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, May 04, 2003
have you ever gotten so mad at someone/something that you just don't know what to do? lauro's probably gonna read this before i tell him how i feel, but i can't keep it inside. yes we broke up, but he said he was going to come. now i have no idea. that doesn't make me mad, but the thing was he said he was judging whether it was worth his time to come up here (not quite in those words, but similar). that made me feel so sad because i know he has finals but he had said before that he would come. well anyway, i want to see him before the summer. i just feel kind of lost not really knowing anyone super well in montreal, and he would be a familiar face that would make me feel somewhat less anxiety about the summer. sorry lauro if you are reading this before i got to tell you how i felt, but i don't like confrontation and you know that. i just wish i knew that everything will be fine this summer. maybe i am working things out of proportion, but this is how i feel.
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posted at 10:38 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
i just saw a commercial that annoys me. it was a levi's commercial and there was this guy and girl standing in the road and buffalos were charging towards them. what annoyed me was the music - 'summer' by mogwai. i cannot believe they sold out. i adore them, and to see that song (which is amazing) plastered all over a shite commercial such as that is depressing.
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posted at 4:42 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
wow, having no class leaves me with a huge amount of spare time to do nothing, so i am going to post this survey i think i found on mikey's livejournal. ya.
1. Name one song you hate to admit you like.
"Asereje" by Las Ketchup. That song is like crack, I swear
2. Name two songs that always make you cry.
"Come On Die Young" by Mogwai
"Hurt" by Johnny Cash (watch the video and you'll know why; its so odd because this is a cover of a Nine Inch Nails song)
3. Name three songs that turn you on.
"Get Me Off" by Basement Jaxx
"Put The Needle On It" by Dannii Minogue
"Work It" by Missy Elliott
4. Name four songs that always make you feel good.
"Can't Get You Out of My Head" by Kylie Minogue
"Tightrope" by Kylie Minogue
"Nas Ne Dagonyat (Not Gonna Get Us)" by tATu
"Crystal" by New Order
5. Name five songs you couldn't ever do without.
"Sleeping With Ghosts" by Placebo
"Hotel Radio" by David Bridie
"Without You I'm Nothing" by Placebo ft. David Bowie
"All Is Full Of Love" by Björk
"Untitled 1 (Vaka)" by Sigur Rós
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posted at 2:13 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
mmmm my room is toooooooo bright!
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posted at 2:00 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, May 03, 2003
music right now: 'poor leno' by röyksopp
mmm new apartment. after a few little bumps (aka cockroaches - we had them massacred by the fumigator), things are good. i desperately need curtains for my room and soon, its soooooo bright in the mornings. i woke up this morning at 6am and it felt like it was noon. ugh! but ya, i'm liking this place. its so much better than my old place. :-)
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posted at 8:07 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, May 01, 2003
music right now: 'come around' by david bridie
well its moving day. i'm almost all packed and ready to go. i'm itching to get out of this apartment. the funny thing is i feel a big nostalgic and sad about leaving this place because off all the stuff that has happened in this little space. two boyfriends, many drunken nights, a few emotional breakdowns, many nights of studying, countless movies, tonnes of music, and just life in general. its all going to be over for me here as of 12.30 when i start to move out. but in the end i am excited. i can't wait to get out of here and into the new place and all the possibilities it carries. i can't wait.
so, watching 'regis and kelly' like a few minutes ago i came to the conclusion why i hate they way heterosexuals treat marriage. we as glbtq people are denied the right to marriage but heteros parade around on the telly on shows like 'the bachelor' and 'mr. personality' and 'married by america' and treat it like its something that they can just afford to fuck around with. we would never do that because we have to fight for the right to marry. i want to get married. it makes me sad to see this shit because it just makes me realise even more how much they don't give a shit about us in that respect. the argument i hear all the time is 'marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman'. bullshit. its between a man, a woman, and apparently now america too. fucking hypocrits.
i'm not mad today. i'm happy :-) i just needed to get that off my chest.
Reading: The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism
Naomi Klein God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
Christopher Hitchens Copenhagen
Time Out City Guides
Seeing: Juno
Jason Reitman Annie Hall
Woody Allen There Will Be Blood
Paul Thomas Anderson
Listening to: Boxer
The National The Fountain: OST
Clint Mansell In Rainbows
Radiohead
