well another christmas has come and gone, and this one was unique in my books. it was a) the first christmas i spent away from my immediate family in fort saskatchewan, b) it was the first one i spent with my grandparents, c) it was the first i spent in montreal, d) it was the first christmas eve i spent by myself (which wasn't such a daunting prospect, despite the fact that there was shite on the telly), and e) it is the last one i will be spending as a resident of quebec. i guess at this point i am beginning to sum things up. i have one term left and the immediacy of that is pressing down upon me like a tonne of bricks. but to tell you the truth i am glad i had this time to myself, i have needed some uninterrupted self-examination to determine where exactly i am in my life and whether i really believe i have moved to a better place or if i am still stuck in the same cycles that seem to be perpetual (if you are keeping score, it is the former rather than the latter, thank you). this has been an increasingly hard year for me, mired in so much soul searching it could make a tibetan monk go crazy. but i have come through it with my body and soul in tact and i am happy to just be alive and able to experience everything i have left. this is my last term, i am excited about it despite the rather large amount of trepidation i approach every significant decision with.

the next year will probably be the most important for me since 2001. 2001 was a huge transition year for me. i graduated high school and left all that behind. i came to montreal and was totally out and honest and happy for what seems to be the first time in my entire life. i will never ever forget what one of my high school friends said the first time i saw her when i was back during that christmas break. i walked into boston pizza where everyone was and she saw me and the first thing she said was 'you're happy! i am sooo glad to see that.' i will never forget that statement. while i have dealt with depression, being lost, confusion, being lost yet again, heart break and all that shite, i am still here to tell the tale and that says something, doesn't it.

this isn't supposed to be an unabashedly optimistic post like it is turning out to be but whatever, i can't deny how i feel inside.

christmas was okay to me this year. it isn't so much about the material things i get but rather the intentions behind them. kyle getting me gucci sunglasses was a huge enormous gesture that i doubt he will ever realise how much it really meant to me. when i was growing up i was pretty much dirt poor. i never understood it and unfortunately my mother felt the brunt of that confusion. labels mean little to some people, but to me it means i am no longer that poor little boy who longs to be like everyone else. i'm not like everyone else, but just having that concrete symbol in my hand means so much. and the fact that he knew what to get me, how to say what words can't makes me... ya, it's just so overwhelming.

my aunt bought me a really nice bottle of wine. my aunt gay (no jokes, please, i've heard them all) was always my surrogate mother. that woman is one of the strongest people i know, and when my mum was in the hospital at christmas when i was young she took over and made my brother and i feel like we still had people to rely on. we had always just one parent, and when she threw her back out it was a major event. i didn't realise at the time, but it really changed all our lives forever. she was always my saviour (my mother), but she was mortal too, and that was the first time i saw it. her armour had a bit of rust showing through. she's still my number one hero and will always be. but ya, just the act of my aunt giving me a bottle of wine (wolf blass, cabernet sauvignon 2002) proves that i am an adult in her eyes. i always longed to be that, to be one who she could trust (and she did), and someone who could take the responsibility and not have to be coddled. and i am that.

my grandparents also gave me a bottle of wine too (jacob's creek, chiraz cabernet 2001) and that was unexpected. it was nice to just have dinner with them, watch a bit of telly (the simpsons, and some really bad christmas film on ctv) and just know that despite the fact that i am 3500 kilometres away from where i grew up i still have a home here and they see me as an equal (adult), no longer the small child who used to visit them every summer.

my mum couldn't really give me much this year because money is tight and that's fine. she sent me ankle socks (with mesh in points to vent; hurrah, no more marinated feet!) and soap that she made. i don't care about the fact that it's not really anything huge, it's what i wanted. i needed socks and that was perfect. it's my little sister's turn to be spoiled and from what i heard she has been, and that is just fine. christmas is a holiday for the young ones. i am just happy to sit back and the adult's table, sip my glass of wine and talk about the year with those around me. and that's what i did tonight.

happy christmas, have a good break, and take care everyone. on to 2005.

... posted at 10:00 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...