i saw the movie 'the believer' and i don't know what to think. it was so incredibly devicive and disturbing. the whole problem i have circles around this whole question of faith, which i come to believe i no longer have. nevertheless, that is not the crux of the 'not knowing what to think' coming from this film. i don't know what to think mainly because i know very little about judaism. i am not in the least bit saying that i sympathise with the nazi agenda in that movie. i find it disgusting and abhorrant that someone could believe that one person is superior to another. what i find is that the major fundamental questions brought up in the movie fall on my deaf ears because i know nothing of this religion. i would like to know something, alas my catholic education never went beyond blatant propaganda by my religion teacher claiming that jews should forgive christians for all the shit (christians) did to them. that annoyed me because there were no jewish students in that room, or even in that city. so why say that?
anyway, i digress. i just find that i don't know enough about other people and other cultures and it offends me that people i knew in alberta could pass judgements without even knowing what other people believe/are/how they live/who they love, etc... i used to walk into class and hear 'thats so gay' or 'thats so jewish' and would yell at people for saying these things. it never had an impact because i went about it the wrong way. but i did try to explain what those words signified. of course it fell on deaf ears. i don't know. i don't understand the word hate. its a concept we are all familiar with, but i just don't get it anymore. its as foreign to me as all the things that i am not (aka black, jewish, heterosexual). i would like to know how those attributes/characteristics affect who a person is. i would like to understand hate, but that is a paradox in itself. hate cannot be understood because it is illogical, irrational, and completely within human nature. whether we keep that within our nature is totally up to us.
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posted at 1:13 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, September 29, 2002
music right now: 'cfcf 12 6.00 pm news'
so, i did it. i'm seeing tori amos on 20 november! and i couldn't be happier. i love her music to death, and now i get to see her live. wow. and i'm still debating whether i will see sigur rós or not. it all depends on the money situation. but, i am seeing tori, and i am super psyched for that. i'm going to the movies tonight after degrassi, but i have not made up my mind what i want to see yet. hmm...
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posted at 6:30 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, September 27, 2002
music right now: 'grey' by ani difranco
i am so tired of life at this moment. i woke this morning with a fucking massive hang-over, feeling like i wanted to die. i resolved in my pain to slit my wrists tomorrow and lay in the bathtub, but alas that is not in the stars at this moment. i really felt horrid. so, i stumbled around my apartment in tears, wishing that nick was here with me, but that never happened. so, i made the little pact above and moved on with my day. i fucked up on my russian test, and barely made it through spanish without dry heaving all over the floor and the girl sitting next to me. i wanted to vomit on the guy on the other side of me merely because he annoys the fuck out of me, but i chose to be nice for once. later when i was cold, i went to space fb and bought myself the cutest zip up sweater to make myself feel good. of course it was really expensive (knowing my tastes), but i wanted it soooooooooooooooo bad, i had to have it. now i am at home, watching 'law and order: special victims unit' (the best 'law and order' show in my opinion), and feeling like i want to cry. i feel empty and.... ewww! there's an ad for 'the holmes show', which is the shittiest and most unfunny piece of trash i have ever seen. back to my line of thought - i feel empty. there is something inside me that i just cannot seem to fill. nick makes me forget it exists when i am with him, which is a small wonder in itself. but shouldn't i be strong enough to help myself in the first place?
i need to lie down. i'm tired. it feels like another long day tomorrow in the endless parade of days towards nothingness.
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posted at 10:12 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, September 26, 2002
music right now: 'burn to shine' by ben lee
i spoke too soon about 'the osbournes'. that show is bloody addictive. i can't wait until the next new episode next tuesday. oi, i'm becoming an addict to the telly. its crazy. i need to be detached from it, and now!
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posted at 3:11 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, September 24, 2002
music right now: 'jackie's strength' by tori amos
well, it looks like i'm gonna be waiting in line on saturday to get tickets to tori... yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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posted at 12:46 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, September 23, 2002
music right now: 'seventeen' by ladytron
ooooooohhhhhh, ad for 'red dragon' is on the telly. i HAVE to see that movie soooooo bad. i love emily watson, so she is my main drawing point. after all, i've never seen 'silence of the lambs' nor 'hannibal'. but it looks so scary and good. yum.
good song people must download: 'formulae' by jj72 (from their new album 'i to sky'). love them, love this song. mark greenley has the freakiest voice ever. anyway, back to c.s.i. miami. already i hate one of the characters (played by adam rodriguez).
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posted at 10:07 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'a sorta fairytale' by tori amos
more emmy bitching - glad stockard channing won for playing judy shepard. of course i ended up crying during her acceptance speech despite the fact that it was sort of short. pissed off that they cut ellen degeneres off - when are people gonna realise that she's the funniest person alive. she cracks me up so much. on another ellen related moment, seeing the little clip of her in 'the laramie project' where she is crying on the steps of the capitol building in d.c. makes me cry so much. that is such a sad image. back to emmy bitching - glad alan ball won, but he's like the only person from 'six feet under' to have won anything. fuck that. again, 'the west wing' sucks ass. the season finale was so bloody contrived and made me want to vomit. though seeing mark harmon shot to death and watching c.j. find out did tug at my heart strings (no i don't watch it regularly - there was nothing else on. it's wednesday for fucks sake! i dare you to name anything worthwhile at that time. and besides, 'law and order' was after). but ya. enough of blabbing about tv. time to go watch some before i sleep. 'er' (one of the few shows on tv that still continually amazes me) is on in like forty minutes.
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posted at 12:16 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, September 22, 2002
oi, i cannot believe 'the west wing' and 'everybody loves raymond' won all those emmys. what a joke. 'six feet under' was so much more deserving, though i was cheering for 'law and order'. gotta love that show. and it was nice to see 'friends' win best comedy, though i must say 'sex and the city' had its best season this year (the 4th, i will not even acknowledge the 5th until they apologise for it) so i think it should have one. the 'i heart ny' episode was enough to make me cry many times. it was soooooooooooooooo good. awww. i miss 'sex and the city'!!
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posted at 11:25 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, September 21, 2002
as of right now, the best song on the face of the planet is 'a sorta fairytale' by tori amos. this song gives me goosebumps in a way i've never had before. its sooooo incredible i cannot even fully manage to describe in accurately in words.
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posted at 4:33 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, September 20, 2002
music right now: 'substance' by dot allison
so, i just found out about.... three more concerts!!!!!!!!! ash are here october 15th while tegan and sara as well as ladytron (not together unfortunately) are here october 26th. sooooooooooooooo many concerts!!!!!!!!!!!!
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posted at 10:08 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
i have to see '28 days later' by danny boyle (aka director of 'trainspotting' and 'the beach'). i just saw the trailer and it looks so cool!
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posted at 6:09 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
i have to stop breathing so heavily... why??? i just found out that not only is tori amos coming to montréal on november 20th, but sigur rós are here too on october 31st!!!!!!!!!!! holy shit! and just yesterday i was lamenting that no good bands come to montréal...
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posted at 12:32 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, September 18, 2002
music right now: the sound of 'law and order' on the telly
so, i'm sick right now. its my fault of course - i kissed nick full well knowing that he was ill and that i could and most likely would catch whatever it was he had (which i found out is mono - but i've had mono before....). so, i am hoping to buddha that i don't have mono. oh well, the bloodtest tomorrow will tell, along with whether i have a blood disorder that is genetic in my 'sperm donors' family. but of course the knowledge of that (hemochromotosis) doesn't help me one bit - i can't do anything about it. the treatment is donating blood once a year. of course i can't do that (fuck you hema-quebec) so ya, i'm screwed, if i have it.
anyway, last friday i got quite fucked up on a bottle of wine and many jello shots and at unity i saw aaron (aka ex boyfriend aaron). well, i got really depressed not because i want him back or anything of that nature, but mainly because people keep on making me feel like i should and that makes me sad. i love nick and i want to be with him (no matter how strained our relationship may seem to me and no matter how many times i convince myself i'm gonna end it because it would be easier.. long story) but when people tell me 'aaron is so gorgeous' i always say 'ya, but not as gorgeous as nick' and they always like correct me which pisses me off to no end. its like i should feel bad about being with nick and not aaron. but whatever.
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posted at 10:46 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, September 16, 2002
ah, it seems that a lot of my archives disappeared. anyway, you can access what i have surviving at the side. new layout - the other one just wouldn't cooperate. anyway, off to sleep. ciao.
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posted at 12:20 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, September 15, 2002
music right now: 'another day in paradise' by phil collins
its strange how things can suddenly turn on you. the past two weeks have sucked so much. working 5 to 8 hour shifts and going to classes definitely does not do wonders for the body. interestingly enough, i've thought a lot about who i am and where i see myself and i guess i've come to one conclusion - i don't care right now. i'm so sick of always examining and re-examining myself and always questioning whether i've lost my core or whatnot. its become a very bad habit (akin to doing jello shots... long story) that i feel is sort of a heterosexist structure built up simply to make me look at whether i'm sick or whatever. fuck that. i'm done with that for a while. as i sit here though, i can't help but think one thing - 'zoolander' sucked. what a crap movie. it wasn't really funny at all. forshame ben stiller. forshame. and because i've become hopelessly entranced with his music (i was raised on him), here are the lyrics to 'another day in paradise' by phil collins.
another day in paradise by phil collins
She calls out to the man on the street
"Sir can you help me?
It's cold and I've nowhere to sleep.
Is there somewhere you can tell me?"
He walks on, doesn't look back
He pretends he can't hear her
Starts to whistle as he crosses the street
Seems embarrassed to be there.
Oh, think twice, cause it's another day for you and me in Paradise
Oh, think twice, cause it's another day for you and me in Paradise
Just think about it.
She calls out to the man on the street
He can see shes been crying
She's got blisters on the soles of her feet
She can't walk but she's trying.
Oh think twice, cause it' s another day for you and me in Paradise
Oh think twice, cause it's another day for you, you and me in Parardise
Just think about it
Oh Lord is there nothing more anybody can do?
Oh Lord, there must be something you can say
You can tell by the lines on her face
You can see that she's been there
Probably been moved on from everyplace
Cause she didn't fit in there
Oh think twice, cause it's another day for you and me in Paradise
Oh think twice, it's just another day for you, you and me in Parardise
Just think about it.
Think about it
Just another day, for you and me, in Paradise
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posted at 3:07 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, September 10, 2002
music right now: "at least we tried" by moby
well, my mouth is still in pain. i had x-rays taken today and i'm seeing the dentist on thursday. i think they're going to have to pull them. its so painful right now. i have no idea how i'm going to make it through my work shift today. last night i was hurting so much that i felt like crying. the same thing this morning. oi, i can't deal with this right now.
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posted at 1:49 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, September 08, 2002
music right now: the sound of ctv 11.00 news
well, i have a painful mouth right now. it seems that i have a wisdom tooth in my back left bottom part of my mouth coming in, and it fucking hurts. i'm going to book a dentist appointment tomorrow if it doesn't feel any better. other than that, today has been okay. i saw two great movies today - "the others" with nicole kidman, and "wonderland" with molly parker. they were incredible, with the latter being one of the best movies i've seen in a long time. anyway, i'm too tired and in pain to stay up much longer. ciao.
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posted at 11:11 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, September 04, 2002
music right now: "take my breath away" by berlin
i've been addicted to this song for the past few days. i have no idea why, but i love it. yay!
so, i just saw one of the best episodes of law and order i've seen in a long while. it basically was the 9/11 episode (that's such a cliché now, which is so strange), and a man from yemen was murdered by a veteran who claimed he was fighting the war on terrorism, blah blah blah. but the one thing that got to me was that there were these people specifically targetting people from the middle east and following them simply because they were immigrants and could pose a danger. that made me sick. its such a disgusting way to attempt to "protect" lives. like as a gay person, the thought that i could have someone crazy following me because it is a stereotype that gay men are sex addicts and possible pedophiles makes me shudder. now i know this is from a tv show, but law and order's cases tend to have part based in reality, so just imagine if that happened.
and now, the lyrics to "take my breath away" by berlin, in honour of my addiction to the song:
watching every motion
in my foolish lover's game
on this endless ocean
finally lovers know no shame
turning and returning
to some secret place inside
watching in slow motion
as you turn around and say
take my breath away
take my breath away
watching i keep waiting
still anticipating love
never hesitating
to become the fated loves
turning and returning
to some secret place inside
watching in slow motion
as you turn to me and say
my love
take my breath away
take my breath away
through the hourglass i saw you
in time you slipped away
when the mirror crashed i called you
and turned to hear you say
if only for today
i am unafraid
take my breath away
take my breath away
watching every motion
in this foolish lover's game
haunted by the notion
somewhere there's a love in flames
turning and returning
to some secret place inside
watching in slow motion
as you turn my way and say
take my breath away
take my breath away
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posted at 11:06 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, September 03, 2002
music right now: "at least we tried" by moby
one thing to say - eminem is a stupid little cunt. he wouldn't know good music if it fucked him up the ass.
now that i got that off my chest, i work in 14 hours. oi. and i have school tomorrow. i was so excited to go back, now i'm kind of so-so on the prospect of working my ass off for the next two weeks (i work everyday and have class, this fucking sucks). oh well.
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posted at 12:50 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, September 02, 2002
well, its the beginning of the new school year. i go back on wednesday, and i'm pretty happy about it. i'm not sure what else i have to say right now except that i am looking forward to two things this fall: a) the fun events that mcgill has (ex. homo hops, four floors, arts taverns), and b) seeing solaris. this movie looks fucking awesome. i hope steven soderburgh doesn't drop the ball on this one (like he apparently did with full frontal).
Reading: The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism
Naomi Klein God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
Christopher Hitchens Copenhagen
Time Out City Guides
Seeing: Juno
Jason Reitman Annie Hall
Woody Allen There Will Be Blood
Paul Thomas Anderson
Listening to: Boxer
The National The Fountain: OST
Clint Mansell In Rainbows
Radiohead
