and the best thing about today - nick remembered my birthday. as soon as i heard him mention it, i felt so good. i'll still be super disappointed if my mum and family forget, but at least my boyfriend and best friends remembered. yay!! and i drank a sloche on my way home from the movie. i got sang froid, which is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sugary that i'm gonna be bouncing off the walls. i swear. it was like drinking a cup of liquid sugar.
...
posted at 12:31 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "in this world" by moby
the past two days have been so incredible. this week, as it stands now, it gonna be the best week i've probably had so far. yesterday was vicky's b-day, and i wasn't home to call her, which made me feel bad, but i called her today and wished her happy birthday. well, yesterday i went out with nick to lunch at les vivres (which is a super chill vegan restaurant) with his friend lauren from north carolina. she is soooooooo adorable. i love it. and then we went to tam tams in the parc. lauren left early to go meet her friend, cameron, and we met them on the way to the parc. it was beautiful out because it had rained earlier, and there weren't a lot of people there, so we sat and listened and the four of us had the best conversation. it must have lasted like four hours. it was great. cameron is bi and we ended up talking alot about sexuality and people's perception, then anti-americanism (especially considering that lauren is american), and it was just an amazing conversation. after that we went to supper at santropol, which is a really cool restaurant with and open terrasse in the back with like a pond and trees. it was great. then we went back to lauren's place and chilled for a while.
today, i worked from 10am to 6, but i got next monday off, which is a relief. i needed it. i bought my cell phone finally today too, which is great. i'm now connected. hurrah! and then nick, lauren, and i went to parc emilie gamelin (sp?) for the start of divers/cité to see this french movie 'juste un question d'amour'. it was really good, but i missed parts of it cuz there weren't subtitles. but before they showed the movie there was this big video of divers/cité last year. it showed all the events and was really emotional for me to watch simply because it feels like for this one week everything is equal and normal. we are able to show who we are to the whole world, instead of the people i pass by on the street while holding my boyfriends hand. it feels so incredibly good. just the whole theme made me feel so proud to be who i am. its been a long hard struggle for me to get to this place, where i love who i am on the inside, though i still don't love my outside. that will take even more time. but i am incredibly happy that i am a gay person because the love contained within our pride celebrations is so immense and the symbolic power of it all shows that we aren't backing down. now, if i would just have the option of marriage, i would be content.
...
posted at 12:16 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, July 28, 2002
song lyrics that means a lot to me and sort of makes me think:
born a girl by the manic street preachers
do i look good for you tonight
will you accuse me as i hide
behind these layers of disguise
and the mirrors of my own happiness
i've loved the freedom of being inside
need a new start and a different time
something grows in the space between me
and it's twisting and changing this fragile body
and i wish i had been born a girl
instead of what i am
yes i wish i had been born a girl
and not this mess of a man
and not this mess of a man
and not this mess of a man
the censorship of my skin
is screaming inside and from within
there's no room in this world for a girl like me
no place around there where i fit in
and i wish i had been born a girl
instead of what i am
yes i wish i had been born a girl
and not this mess of a man
and not this mess of a man
and not this mess of a man
and not this mess of a man
and not this mess of a man
...
posted at 2:25 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: the sound of silence in my apartment
i realise one of the reasons why i love nick so much: he accepts me for who i am. there is this big prevailing thing in the gay community that flamey guys aren't attractive, and sense i am not exactly the most macho of them all, its hard for me to find anyone who will accept me as i am, without reservation. and nick does that. it feels amazing to know that. but i feel sad at the same time because i don't know if this will last. if i'm single again, i fear that i will never find another guy who will like me as is. and that is a prospect i am not sure i could handle.
...
posted at 1:45 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "blessed by your own ghost" by elliott
i've done it again. i fell i love with someone who doesn't feel the same way and probably won't. it feels like shit and i just want to curl up into a ball and die. and my b-day is on tuesday and he can barely even remember it for ten minutes. so, if my boyfriend can't remember it, how could my family?
...
posted at 12:20 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, July 27, 2002
music right now: "grey" by ani difranco
new look. doesn't quite work. fix later.
...
posted at 11:51 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "disassociative" by marilyn manson
i am in a pissy mood right now - hence the listening to marilyn manson. why art thou angry? you ask. three things: a) tuesday is my birthday and i know that my family is gonna forget. i can feel it. that is totally gonna be shit. and i work all day. thats not fair. i couldn't exactly ask for the day off since i'm new and that would look bad, so i'm stuck working on my birthday. fuck that. b) my bank card does not work. i cannot even get it into an atm. i tried like a million, and no such luck. plus the bank of montreal on university wasn't open this morning like they used to, so i'm fucked until monday. i have no money. just bloody great. c) my credit card isn't here yet. it should have been here this week. so, i have no emergency life line. hence my plans with nick for tonight and tomorrow are off, cuz i can't exactly get to boucherville with no money, and i don't want him to pay for me to go to lunch tomorrow. god, this sucks ass. oi, i'm gonna go break something.
...
posted at 4:58 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "soak up the sun (victor calderone and mac quayle club mix)" by sheryl crow
so, it appears that my blog has fallen into out-datedness as of late. well, my job has been taking up the majority of my time, and the rest is divided between spending it with my boyfriend and spending it sleeping, so, i haven't had much of a chance to write. well, i'm gonna do a survey. enjoy! (btw it was stolen from mikey's livejournal, as per usual).
1. What is your nic name? clint
2. What colour underwear are you wearing right now? plaid (gap)
3. What are you listening to right now? club mixes of a bunch of songs
4. What are the last four digits of your phone number? old one - 9126, new one - 0743
5. What was the last thing you ate? not sure
6. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? royal blue
7. Where do you plan to go on your honeymoon? bora bora, cambodia/vietnam, or new zealand
8. How is the weather right now? crummy
9. Last person you talked to on the phone? nick :-)
10. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? what they are wearing and whether i would want to wear what they have on
11. Do you like the person that sent you this? i stole it from mikey, and of course i like him. he's great
12. How are you today? annoyed
13. Favourite alcoholic drink? long island ice tea, liquid cocaine shots, sour puss shots, cosmopolitans
14. Ever get drunk and acted slutty? omg i do it every weekend. i love acting like a slut cuz i know that i'm not gonna do anything, but its fun to watch the guys faces. they totally eat it up. its hilarious
15. Last time you watched porn? haven't. not a porn type person
16. Favourite sport, to watch? figure skating, tennis
17. What's the next CD you're going to get? "angels with dirty faces" by sugababes, "greatest hits" by bjork, "a rush of blood to the head" by coldplay, "stars" by the cranberries
18. Hair colour? black
19. Eye Colour? hazel
20. Ever had a black eye? once or twice
21. Any family members you don't like? of course
22. Favourite month? september
23. Favourite food? vegetarian lasagna
24. Last movie you watched? hmmm.... "road to perdition" i think
25. Favourite day of the year? depends on the year
26. Are you too shy to ask someone out? not any more :-)
27. Do you like scary, happy, or dirty movies better? scary and happy
28. Summer or Winter? i like winter a lot more (in montreal that is)
29. Hugs or Kisses? both are great
30. Relationship or one night stands? relationships for sure
31. Chocolate or Vanilla? i like both
music right now: "one step too far" (radio edit) by faithless ft. dido
awesome song. love the video. its cool how sister bliss and dido switch places. they look a lot alike which is cool. i think i might buy this cd ("outrospective") because i love what i've heard from it so far.
so, i've finally been stuck in a section at work. i swear, i've been moved around so much. first i was in textbooks, then cash, back to textbooks, then the tent this morning, but i didn't get out the door and i was switched to shipping, and now i've finally found myself in stationary. hurrah! i'm so glad that i now have a calling at my job. i guess i'm good with pens. and apparently my boss likes me, which is surprising because she usually doesn't like many people when they start. like this guy nick who i work with in stationary is like "mrs. gabriel likes you, which is good cuz she never likes people at first. she said you were shy and sweet." i was like "awwww. i'm so embarassed now" and i got red. but i guess its good. i seem to have an impression on people, which is nice. like there was this girl i met at unity last week, annalisa, and i thought she was like so cool, but then it didn't seem like she thought much of me. so on saturday when nick and i went to unity she saw me and was like "hey! so, this is your boy? he's so cute! you guys are cute together." i was thinking "omg, you are the cutest thing EVER!". ya.
...
posted at 5:25 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, July 21, 2002
music right now: "tear in my side" by gemma hayes
read the story on this website. i just read it and i started crying. oi. i'm so emotional lately. i swear, for the longest time i couldn't cry. when i was little i would always tell myself "boys don't cry. don't look weak." and it took forever to get over that emotional block i put up. and now that i have managed to rid myself of it (which was the best thing i've done for myself) i can't stop crying sometimes. oh well. such is life.
...
posted at 11:32 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
i'm posting lyrics to a song that always gets to me. i love it. and they (tegan and sara) have a new cd coming out in a month. yay!
my number by tegan and sara
showers pounding out a new beat.
i trade my old shoes for new feet.
i grab a new seat, i don't like the one i got.
the fabric's wearing through and it's wearing me out.
you're wearing me down.
watching old baseball games and low budget telethons.
ain't like watching you yourself when you yourself is on.
got time to wander to waste and to whine.
but when it comes to you it seems like i just can't find the time.
so watch your head and then watch the ground.
it's a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown.
it's a silly time to learn to swim on the way down.
if i gave you my number would it still be the same.
if i saved you from drowning.
promise me you'll never go away.
promise me you'll always stay.
closed down the last local zoo.
i'm gonna win the endless war.
over who kills the last koala bear.
and who in death will love him more and i.
he grabs me by the hand. drags me to the shore and says.
maybe you don't love me but you'll grow to love me even more.
and i well i'm not surprised.
if i gave you my number would it still be the same.
if i saved you from drowning.
promise me you'll never go away.
promise me you'll always stay.
...
posted at 9:55 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "ode to my family" by the cranberries
i think i should just stop thinking half the time. i almost made myself cry in provigo, which lately has been a fairly easy feat. thats all i do - sleep and cry. oi. life sucks. so, i told nick i love him, which i do. i have never felt like this before with anyone and now i feel stupid that i did. why? not because i didn't mean it, and not because he said nothing back, but because it makes me think that maybe i'm not lovable. that idea just keeps looming over my head like a dark cloud and i wonder whether that is in fact true. like when mike told me that he loved me when we were going out, later he realised that he didn't. i always thought and still do that it was because of something i did or just because of me. so, now i'm sitting here wondering if i'm always going to feel that way - loving someone who doesn't return that love. i don't want nick to say something he doesn't mean, cuz that hurts a million times more in the end, but i still would like to know that it is possible that he could feel that way. as of now, i don't think he could. so, i'm almost at a loss for words and i hate feeling like this - all sad and torn up inside. everytime i see him its bittersweet because i just look at him and i get weak in the knees and words cannot describe how special he is to me. but maybe i want more than he can give me. i always do this. i always want more than people can give. i guess i'm just a bad person..
...
posted at 8:35 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, July 20, 2002
music right now: "smells like queer spirit" by pansy division
i am sooooooooooooooo bored. today is one of my days off, so i have no idea what to do with myself. i think i may go for a walk in the beautiful weather.
...
posted at 3:25 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, July 16, 2002
music right now: "burn to shine" by ben lee
absolutely amazing song by claire danes' husband. i love ben lee. his newest cd, "breathing tornadoes" is incredible. oh, speaking of incredible cds, i bought "finelines" by my vitriol for $2.00 today! i could not believe it. i did a double take when i saw it in the bin. i was looking for it last summer and i found it for $26.00. thank god i waited.
...
posted at 3:25 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "emerge" by fischerspooner
well, i am now an employee of the mcgill university bookstore. yay! and vicky works at the harvard university bookstore. isn't that interesting.... ya. now i'm off to spend money to make myself feel even better. i think i might get my bellybutton pierced today. or maybe not.
...
posted at 12:32 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "all is full of love" by björk
ya, i've been up for a few hours and i don't see myself getting much sleep in the next little while, so i might as well write. how have i been? not too bad. but thats not what i'm going to write about. i found out that a guy i've known for a few years is gay. now, thats not whats bothering me in the least. after all, i'm gay myself (as you can tell). but the thing is he is ashamed and i feel so bad because his parents won't speak to him. and its pride right now in st. john's (where he lives) and he's not going to any of it. now its not like i want to force him to do anything, but he's been having problems in the self-esteem and self-image department, and that sucks. i've been trying to find this one part of the notorious c.h.o. to send to him because it totally has to do with what he's going through. margaret cho goes into self-esteem and that anybody who is of size, of colour, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered (i hate when people say transsexual or transvestite because they are very derogartory terms and she of course did not use either term), female, etc... is not supposed to have self esteem and the minute we do is a revolution. we have to come to love ourselves and value ourselves as human beings. i can't remember the rest word for word but i cried of course because it is so true. women, visible minorities and gay men have the worst self-esteem issues simply because we are "supposed" to look and act a certain way. like in gay society there are two types of stereotypically gay men - the gym bunnies and the faeries (which i would be). and from my own experience with bulemia and weight, we think we must look a certain way or else we aren't worthy of being loved.
music right now: "jackie's strength" by tori amos
now this isn't meant to be a rant, but i just feel that if he knew that there are people out there who will help him through anything he's going through and will love him unconditionally, then perhaps he can be a little happier than he is right now. but, i don't know if i will ever get to tell him that. one can only hope.
...
posted at 7:51 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, July 15, 2002
music right now: "american english" by idlewild
i have no idea what to write here today. i haven't had the motivation or the strength to write much about myself in the past few days for reasons i don't feel like rehashing for fear that i may start crying again. so, i shall move on from that gloomy subject to a brighter one - i have a job interview tomorrow! what is this? you say. well, i got a rather random call this morning. it was the lady at the mcgill bookstore wondering if i had a job yet and whether i could go for a job interview tomorrow at noon. so, i have an interview tomorrow. i hope i don't fuck it up. that totally reminds me of a scene from trainspotting where renton and spud are talking in a restaurant and spud has a job interview after (which he fucks up, but not so bad that they take him off welfare). but ya, i'm not on welfare, so yay!
...
posted at 8:04 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, July 12, 2002
music right now: "you held the world in your arms tonight" by idlewild
i want to get married, not have a civil union. i don't get it how some people don't ever want me to have that. and i'm not talking about str8 people not wanting me to have that. there are gay people (who shall remain nameless) who seriously believe that marriage is between a man and a woman and that we shouldn't be able to get married. after all, "its only a word". but the truth is that words mean a hell of a lot in our society. anyone who will disagree with that is deluding themselves. words mean a hell of a lot. look at all the racial and homophobic slurs you can think of. they cause so much more pain than all the violence in the world because long after the beating has stopped those words still remain there, hanging over people like a cloud. words do not simply just disappear. and thats why i want to get married. it means something. and the day that i will be able to get married to my boyfriend or fiancee or whatever i wish to call him means that i am equal to str8 couples and that my relationship doesn't mean anything less. that day is definitely coming soon in canada. the ontario high court just ruled that by not allowing gay and lesbian couples to marry constitutes breaching the charter of rights and freeedoms and makes us second class citizens. i don't know about you, but i am not a second class citizen. no one in this country should be called that, and it feels good to know that in the eyes of the law i am equal, i am right, i have a relationship that means something. i don't care if other countries don't recognise my marriage. they can lick my ass for all i care. and i think that this idea that some gay people (who again shall remain nameless) have that a marriage is solely between a man and a woman is internalised homophobia, plain and simple.
...
posted at 12:40 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, July 11, 2002
music right now: margaret cho doing stand-up
i found out today that the notorious c.h.o. is coming to montreal (cinema du parc) on 9 august. yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and, to celebrate the fact that i am incredibly bored, here is another survey (this one is huge):
1. First Name: clinton
2. Were you named after anyone? no
3. Middle name: don't have one
4. Last Name: glenn
6. Birthday: 30 july, 1983
7. Where do you live? montreal, qc
9. ScHool: mcgill university
10. GPA: 2.5. i sucked ass first year
11. Height: 171 cm
12. Shoe size: 10?
13. Hair color: black
14. Eye color: hazel
15. Hair length: pretty short
16. Last CD you bought: can't remember. probably "no more drama" by mary j blige or "freak like me" (single) by sugababes
17. Last movie you saw in theater: lord of the rings - the fellowship of the ring
18. Last movie you rented: no idea. last movie i watched - chicken run
19. Favorite school subject: english lit
20. Least favorite school subject: anything i am forced to take
21. Do you actually like computers? no, they suck
22. Who are your BEST friends?: vicky and ariel
23. Do you have a boyfriend/crush?: boyfriend
24. What's his name? nick
25. Favorite actress: jennifer jason leigh, jodie foster, sarah polley
26. Favorite actor: ian mckellen, kevin spacey, bruce greenwood, jude law
27. Favorite movies: the sweet hereafter, dancer in the dark, trainspotting, american beauty, l.i.e., le fabuleaux destin d'amelie poulain, y tu mama tambien, beyond rangoon, boys don't cry, gladiator, in the bedroom, the lord of the rings, the dead poets society
28. Favorite TV shows: sex and the city, will and grace, queer as folk, felicity
29. Favorite songs: right now - "you can be replaced" by dot allison, "i want it all" by kosheen, and "tear in my side" by gemma hayes
30. Favorite singer/band: bjork, placebo, dot allison, kosheen, manic street preachers, the cure, ben lee, kylie minogue, madonna, rufus wainwright, natalie imbruglia, the cure, depeche mode, sigur rós
31. Favorite book: "smilla's sense of snow" by peter hoeg, "less than zero" by bret easton ellis
35. Have you ever smoked?: god, this is a stupid question. of course i have
34. What do you look for in a boyfriend?: someone who can make me laugh, isn't full of himself, kind, happy, not closeted, and just someone who i like to be around
37. How many people are on your buddy list?: no idea
39. What's your favorite sport?: tennis
41. How long are you in the shower? fifteen to twenty minutes, though i try to keep is as short as possible. i hate showers
42. What's your favorite place to vacation? boston!
43. What's your favorite ice cream? don't eat ice cream if i can help it
44. If you are a girl, what makeup do you wear everyday? not a girl, but i do wear clean and clear shine control powder
45. Girls, which do you prefer, guys with or without hats? doesn't matter
46. Favorite Food: veggie lasagna
47. Worst Fear: being alone, drowning
48. Favorite color: black, blue and silver
49. Best feeling in the world?: knowing that i have an amazing boyfriend and that life is really good right now
50. Worst feeling in the world?: knowing that this feeling can't last forever, missing people
What do You Think Of :
51. Bill Clinton: he's okay, but i love hillary. i would so vote for her if i ever could
52. Love at First Sight: kylie!! aside from that, i think it is possible
53. Abortion: don't care all that much, but i totally believe in it and think it should be more widely available
54. Teenage smoking: who cares. everyone has their poison
55. Eating disorders: don't want to get into that. painful.
56. Rap: not too fond of it, but don't detest it
58. Marilyn Manson: interesting. he has a lot to say and is very smart about it all
59. Guy bands: depends on the guy band in question
61. Premarital sex: um ya, i have no choice. i can't get married, so i can't exactly wait for anything, and even still i think its stupid to wait for a load of reasons
62. Titanic: okay movie. makes me cry a lot at the end
63. Jerry Springer: eh, no opinion
64. Rape: the worst crime of them all. taking away someones right to say no is horrific
65. Suicide: a way out for some people.
66. Self-Mutilation: again, a way out for some people
67. South Park: stupid
68. Dreams: hate them half the time
69. Drinking: eh, its all in good fun
70a. God: doesn't exist
70b. Satan: again, doesn't exist
When You Hear This Name, What Do You Think Of:
71. Ryan: don't know a ryan
72. Bob: or a bob
73. Justin: two people come to mind. a friend from high school, and a gay friend of steph
74. Katie: don't know a katie, i don't think
75. Paul: from s club. well, not anymore
76. Alexis: ...
77. Stef: my little sister, and my friend who is like a sis to me
78. Brian: oi, don't know one
79. Jordan: again, don't know one
80. David: no idea
81. Vicky: yay! my best friend!
82. Jessica: "If I was her age...my mom would beat my ass before letting me out like that.......don't look at me like that..I don't care who your brothers are and what "has been" band they are in"
83. Heather: don't know one
84. Erin: ditto
85. Jen: again, ditto
86. Sara: vicky's friend from boston who came a few times. she was great to chill with
87. Alex: don't know one
88. Daniel: ditto
89. Britney: spears. yay!
90. Brad: don't know one
91. Did you dress up on Halloween: yup
92. What were you? a bassist in a british glam/punk rock band
93. What CD is in your CD player right now?: "know your enemy" by the manic street preachers, "debut" by bjork
94. Do you have a job?: no...
95. What college do you go to or want to go to?: mcgill university!
96. What does your school look like?: its massive. i swear, i keep on finding new parts of the campus
97. Have you ever been out of the country? ya
98. Where: the united states
99. What is your religion? atheist
100. Do you believe in heaven & hell? no
101. Do you believe in Angels?: no
102. Do you believe in aliens?: yes
103. Do you believe in yourself?: depends on my mood
104. Do you want to get married? if it became legal then ya
105. What's something you do that pisses off your friends?: i keep saying "whoever said that orange is the new pink was seriously disturbed"
106. What is your favorite music video?: "vioðar vel til loftárása" by sigur rós and "if you tolerate this your children will be next" by the manic street preachers and "love at first sight" by kylie minogue
107. Do you have any stuffed animals? yup
108. Have any bad habits? biting my nails, procrastinating
109. What's your favorite restaurant? le commensal
110. Where is your favorite hangout? not sure. the field on campus maybe
Which is better?
111. Pepsi or Coke? pepso by far
112. David Letterman or Jay Leno: neither. bill maher (even though his show was cancelled. ugh)
113. MTV, VH1, or BET: muchmusic and musiqueplus
114. Spice Girls or All Saints: both are great though i love the spice girls more
115. Pamela or Cindy?: ewww, girls!
116 Baywatch or Saved by the bell?: neither
117. 7th Heaven or Party of Five?: party of five
118. Diet Pepsi or Pepsi One?: diet pepsi
120. Apples or oranges: oranges
121. Chocolates or flowers: both
122. Day or Night: night
123. Black or white: black
124. Silver or gold: silver. i hate gold
125. Favorite name for a girl?: eilish, lucia, callista, madison, sandrine
126. Favorite name for a boy?: thatcher, ronan, william, etienne
127. Where do you want to go on your honeymoon?: bora bora or iceland
128. Where do you wish you could be right now?: with nick
129. What are you thinking at this very moment?: dancing
130. What do you think of the song "Pretty FLY 4 a white guy"?: pure and utter shit!
131. Are you a vegetarian?: yup
132. Favorite kind of clothes?: oh god, this would take all day
133. The last phone number you called?: probably nick's # yesterday
134. The last TV show you watched?: the weakest link (that was a loooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggg time ago)
135. The last words you said?: some lyric to this song ("motorcycle emptiness" by the manic street preachers")
Have you ever:
136: Been on a plane: of course
137. Went swimming in the ocean: no
138. Been to Europe: can't wait to, but no
139. Been to Mexico: no
140. Been to Canada: i live in canada
141. Been to Australia: ya
142. Been in a school: of course
143. Cried in public: ya
144. Let a friend cry on your shoulder: yup
145. Fell asleep in the shower/bath: um ya
146. Fell asleep while eating: once i think
147. Gone to church/shul: i have, but never will again
148. Read the Bible/Torah: i have but i don't make it a habit or anything
149. Climbed a tree: of course
150. Watched Dawson's Creek: yup, i love that show
151. Gone skiing: ya
152. Gone snow boarding: no
153. Been on a motorcycle or motorbike: not that i recall
154. Fell asleep during a scary movie: no
155. Never slept during a night: uh huh
156. Been to a camp: ya
157. Played field hockey: nope
158. Played soccer: uh huh
159. Been to a Major League Baseball game: nope
160. Saw a pro-basketball game: no
161 Seen the Harlem Globetrotters: no
162. Seen Snow: i live in canada. what do you think?!
163. Sat in a restaurant w/o ordering anything?: ya
164. Eaten sushi: yup. i love getting the veggie plate from soto. mmmmm... sushi. of course people don't realise that sushi is the rice, and that sashimi is the fish, so they automatically think that sushi is gross, which it isn't
165. Eaten fish: ewww.... ya. i hate it
166. Eaten caviar: no
167. Seen someone die: nope
168. Wanted to die: ya
169. Met a celebrity: a few
170. Met the president: we don't have a president, and if i ever met dubya i'd kick his ass back to texas
171. Driven a car: a few times. hate it
172. Didn't wash your hair for a week: when i wanted dreads
173. Peed in the shower: ew, god no
174. Broken something valuable: ya. i broke a tv
175: Skipped school: of course
176. Ice Skated: ya
177. Rollerskated: don't think so
178. Bought ice cream from an ice cream truck: i don't remember
179. Used your parents credit card (withpermission): yes
180. Been scared to get a shot: i hate needles so much!
181. Gotten a cavity?: no
182. Broke your arm: nope
183. Been given stitches: like a million times!
184. Shopped at Abercrombie and Fitch: yup. i LOVE a and f
185. Shopped at Gap: of course. i'm a gap whore
186. Shopped at Old Navy: once or twice
186b. Shopped at Hot Topic: no, and its not my type of store
187. Thought you were in love: yup
188. Had an online relationship?: not that i recall
189. Watched MTV at 4 in the morning: never seen mtv as we just got it in canada like a year ago
190. Tipped over a porta-potty-with someone in it: no
190b Tipped a cow: no, thats sooooooooo cruel!
191. Made prank phone calls: once or twice
192. Gone out with a guy/girl you knew for 3 days: ya
193. Gone into a hallway and done the nasty: lol no
194. Gone skinny dipping: not yet :-)
195. Snuck out of your house: of course
196. Said I love you and meant it: i did that last night
197. Been hurt by a guy/girl you loved: ya :-(
198. Stayed up till 4 am on the phone: yup
199. Random thought(s): none right now
200. Did you like this Survey: it was boring
...
posted at 8:52 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "wishing stone" by dot allison
things i am bitter about right now:
a) this creamy macaroni i am eating is more like chunky, not creamy
b) they are filming a movie one street away from me and i am not in it. can you believe that? they are throwing away a chance to tap into my wealth of talent and after all, i could totally kick ass in any movie they could put me in (as long as it isn't a porno)
c) i know like five people in montreal as of now, and none of them are my boyfriend or best friend. oi!
d) i have a hickey the size of texas on my neck. ewww!
well, thats all i can think of that i am bitter about at this moment. i'll probably come up with some more later. oh, i have finally tried vanilla coke (shit, i keep accidentally typing cock instead of coke lol well, we know whats on my mind! :-P ) and its damned good. yay!
...
posted at 6:50 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "angelene" by pj harvey
two new poems have graced my presence. i managed to write both of these within i think fifteen or twenty minutes, if that. they just appeared, and now i can't get rid of them. such is my lot in life. here they are:
short-term memory
i want you to return
my short-term memory
it seems i've been robbed of
the greatest experience of my life
by a person such as you?
i cannot remember where i was going
or where i am meant to go
so stop staring at me as if
i'm a bloody leper
bounding about as if i've lost
my mind
its not that kind of memory that i'm attempting
to recover from your graceful clutches
but the memories that i have created within my own
psyche not those
imparted upon me by those
standing around my dreadful
corpse of a body
i need you to return
my short-term memory
as if it was not taken at all
but loaned to you and we shall
forget this whole mess happened in the first place
perhaps that is the best solution
wouldn't you agree?
for now i'm lost and i cannot recall
by which relation you are inextricably linked
to my frowning soul and its
slight motions creeping from within
the void caused by this gaping hole
within my short-term memory
storytellers lie
i feel... emotionally sick
it feels like being torn apart from the inside
and i shudder hoping that my quivering body
does not awake your naked person
pressed against me ever so gently
all the feeling in my entire universe
encapulated in a ten second sound bite
fit for the evening news.
as if i'm fit for the evening news...
i can barely bring myself to say three words
so, i carelessly allow them to tumble from
my awstruck figure and hope that you can
catch them before they hit the pillows beneath
us and disappear into the short
fiction that we have created within a span of a month
suddenly i exhale and a rush of poisonous gas
escapes the maw on my face and goes forth
allowing me one more moment of peace
before i dive headfirst into the shallow end
of the pool hoping that i will fracture
my heart and my soul will see it fit to abandon
this cowardly visage laying naked next to you
this in my silent communion with the dead images scrolling
through my cluttered mind and i see your blinking
eyes in the dark and they seem to say in one short
and utterly trivial yet incredibly indelible fragment of
absurd advice that storytellers in fact do
lie
its four simple letters that contribute to this whole
mess i've found myself in and the predicament
doesn't seem to want to leave
and as fast car starts leaking out of the speakers
as if the world is on fire i realise why i'm
in this in the first place
its the twinkle in your eyes and the words that
are always on the tip of your tongue but rarely escape
because they don't need to escape but rather hanging there
in their suspended space and time makes them
worth more than all the "i love yous" you can
ever mutter
there i've done it
i said it
i love you
and then i exhale
feeling the tonne of bricks slowly lift
off my chest and allow me one more moment
of peace before the air in my lungs
rushes out into the great beyond
and i fall prey to some unexpected reaction
that wasn't in my plans at all
...
posted at 4:48 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "alive again" by cher
all is good in life again. nick and i are fine. i am a moron. but oh well. it seems my ship has finally come in though. i am thinking of auditioning for popstars 3. why not? i could be the next will young! it would be incredible. so, i believe i shall drag nick with me for moral and emotional support, and i will audition. so, if at this time next year you hear about me on the national news, have no fear, as i will be a diva, but down to earth at heart. :-)
...
posted at 2:29 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, July 10, 2002
music right now: "your love" by kylie minogue
i just found out that kylie is going to be on jay leno this friday with doctor phil and christian bale. ahhh! that would be such an awesome show. maybe i'll get my mum to tape it for me.
...
posted at 7:03 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: the sound of my wall clock ticking
i just finished watching "kids". what a fucked up movie. shit, it was insane. harmone korine is a crazy writer, and larry clark is a crazy director. chloe sevigny was amazing in it, as she always is in any movie she has done ("american psycho", "boys don't cry", etc....). i read somewhere that she turned down and offer of $500 000 to star in a comedy. thats great. she isn't a comedy actor. some actors aren't.
anyway, i feel like shit right about now. i got very little sleep last night, and have been either crying or just thinking about shit for the past nine hours (well, the ones i haven't been "sleeping" through, anyway). i am totally at a loss as to how to define my relationship with nick. sometimes it seems like its amazing, other times i feel like maybe i'm the only one who wants it. like last night at one point i felt like leaving cafe campus and just crying, but i managed to hold back until i got home at 1am. it was hard. and i was thinking of telling him that i love him, but thats not going to happen for a while. i don't want to fuck things up. maybe i'm reading way too much into things.
well, i just talked with vicky for like half an hour and i feel so much better. she always manages to cheer me up. yay! but i still don't feel happy. i'm just not on the verge of crying anymore.
...
posted at 11:14 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, July 08, 2002
music right now: "believe" by cher
so, i am bitter.. why? you ask. well, its because cher is playing one of two sold out shows (with cyndi lauper no less) tonight at the fleet centre in boston. and, *gasp. shock* i am NOT there! ahh! i am so bitter about that. but, i've decided to have my own little cher-and-cyndi-athon on my computer so :-P there.
...
posted at 8:07 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, July 06, 2002
music right now: "secret world" by enya
so, i joined the enya mailing list. wow, my life just keeps on getting more exciting, doesn't it?! ugh, i found out that my television won't be making its appearance any time soon (four weeks...) so, i guess i'm going to have to find other ways to keep myself busy. like i just cast myself in lego on this website (reasonablyclever.com). i swear, i looked like a drag version of the cat in the hat crossed with richard simmons and mr dress up. oh well, such is my lot in life, i imagine. last night i spent a lot of time getting to know rupaul a little better. how was this, you ask? easy! she has a website with a blog, similar to mine, except rupaul's is fabulous and mine is lame. whatever! one day i will become the world's greatest drag queen and hah! i will have my own fabulous blog and everyone will write to me and leave messages and tell me that my blog is in fact fabulous (btw, this is a blog. get your mind out of the gutter sicko!). oh, did i mention that i think i love nick?
so, we saw the fellowship of the ring together today. i still am blown away that it didn't win best picture. and we won't go into the whole ian mckellen losing thing. just because he's gay doesn't mean he would make a scene with his acceptance speech! hello?! fuckers...
anyway, we held hands beforehand walking down the street. now, this was a little nerve racking for me at first simply because i've never done that before. i've held hands with so many guys yes, but not in such a way that could provoke some sort of bad reaction. nonetheless i was worrying for nothing. this iiiissss montreal after all, not fort saskatchewan. mind you we got a few looks, but the older uglier gay couple walking in front of us got more. so there :-P ya. but anyway, i just feel some sort of connection with him i've never had before in my life, and everytime i'm with him i get some sort of charge. my heart races and the sight of his face, the way he smiles, his dimples... everything. it just completely takes my breath away. he's incredible. and i think i love him. now, having said that, i don't know if i would tell him that this soon. like i mean it will be a month on the 11th since i told him that i liked him as more than a friend and wanted to go out with him, and him saying the same thing back. but, what would be the anniversary? the 11th, when i said that, or the 15th, when we first kissed and held hands and acted like boyfriends? maybe i should ask him. or maybe i should do something sweet on that day to make him smile and give me that feeling all over again :-)
i've been thinking for the last little while about who i can and cannot trust of the people i know, and it comes down to one major thing: i can only trust a few people. i can trust vicky, ariel, nick, mike, ian and a few other people, because i know that they are my friends and aren't there to use me for something or use me as a way to get to another person. and, its a little disturbing to think that there are people who might try to fuck around with my life simply to get what they want. i try to believe that deep inside everyone is a good person and that humans are basically good at heart, but i have seen things that make me rethink that, and i hate it. i can't mention names or anything, but there is this guy, who i shall refer to as x, who totally makes me wonder what he wants from me. like i can't trust his as far as i can throw him, and thats sort of sad. i've become jaded, i think, and perhaps past experience is colouring my judgement, but going with my gut instinct, something tells me "don't get too close to this person. he will fuck you over." so, i shall try to keep my distance and see him for whom he really is.
anyway, another survey thingee. this one is interesting:
5 THINGS YOU HATE
1. heterosexism/ internalised homophobia
2. hate
3. people you can't trust
4. people who try to follow you home at five in the morning (scary incident this morning)
5. old guys who insist on feeling me up at clubs
5 THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
1. what certain people want
2. how people can be so filled with hate
3. why everything tends to be so complicated
4. the logic some people use
5. why the gay community is so fucking catty and clique-y
5 THINGS ON YOUR DESK
1. cup
2. pretzels
3. wallet
4. cd case
5. speakers
5 OF YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS
1. vicky
2. ariel
3. ian
4. mike
5. nick
5 THINGS YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW
1. chewing on a pretzel (low fat!)
2. sweating because of the heat
3. listening to "take me somewhere nice" by mogwai
4. thinking about nick
5. feeling happy that there are people i can still trust
5 NEGATIVE FACTS ABOUT YOU
1. i look in the mirror half the time and hate what looks back
2. i have the worst eating habits ever, which also leads me to throw up half of what i eat (i'm not bulemic though)
3. i am the most gullable person alive sometimes
4. i totally have a million dreams yet i don't make them come true
5. i put way too much of my hopes and dreams into relationships and end up getting hurt way too easily
5 POSITIVE FACTS ABOUT YOU
1. i believe that people deserve a chance, and base my opinion of others on my own experience of them, not what others tell me
2. i am intensely loyal to those i love and would do anything for them
3. i fall in love really easily
4. i can find positive things about everyone i've ever known, even if they've destroyed any sort of trust i had in them
5. i could be absolutely anything if i wanted
5 THINGS YOU PLAN TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. see the sun set over the tasman sea
2. skydive
3. drive across the continent with friends (roadtrip!)
4. actually do something that will be remembered for more than a week or two
5. try to make the world i live in just a little better for all the people who will inherit it
5 THINGS YOU CAN DO
1. drop everything to help someone at a moments notice
2. listen to certain songs over and over again and never get sick of them
3. eat large amounts of cheese (of course i get sick after, but oh well)
4. complain about everything under the sun just for the fun of it
5. dance my ass off even if i look stupid
5 THINGS YOU CAN'T DO
1. stick my tongue out very far
2. roll r's which is gonna be a big problem in spanish
3. hold grudges for too long (normally)
4. write people off even though they've fucked me over
5. listen to any band that sounds remotely like creed
5 OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS
1. "all is full of love" by björk
2. "hun jorð" by sigur rós
3. "you held the world in your arms tonight" by idlewild
4. "can't get you out of my head" by kylie minogue
5. "freak like me" by the sugababes
5 THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE/SAME SEX THAT TURN YOU ON
1. eyes
2. hair
3. jawline
4. height
5. back/butt
5 FAVORITE MOVIES
1. the sweet hereafter
2. dancer in the dark
3. boys don't cry
4. l.i.e.
5. american beauty
5 THINGS YOU SAY MOST
1. oi
2. twat
3. hi
4. bye
5. i miss you
5 THINGS YOU HAVE TO DO
1. finish this survey
2. write
3. clean my apartment
4. sleep
5. watch "ghost world"
5 PEOPLE YOU NEED TO THANK
1. mum
2. vicky
3. gordon
4. nick
5. vicky again
5 FAVORITE PLACES
1. the lookout on mount royal
2. any movie theatre
3. sky/unity ii
4. my new apartment
5. montreal at night (in general)
5 THINGS YOU'D EAT ON THE LAST DAY OF YOUR LIFE
1. pita bread
2. cheesecake
3. vegetarian lasagna
4. mashed potatoes
5. cheese
...
posted at 9:52 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, July 03, 2002
music right now: "new york city boy" by the pet shop boys
so, i think i've fallen in love with nick. tonight was incredible, even though we only saw each other for a few hours. we went to the jazz festival and saw this amazing techno band. no idea what their name was, but oh well. and nick and i walked around after that, checking out the sights. he's what i've always wanted. i adore him, and hope it lasts forever. plus he's not afraid to show affection in public, which was great because he didn't pull away when i grabbed his hand or when i would kiss him. yay!
...
posted at 2:46 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, July 01, 2002
music right now: "i'm so in love with you" by texas
can't sleep. too nervous. so i've decided to post the most amazing song lyrics. this song means a lot to me because its taken on a whole new meaning for me (btw, i'm talking about "saint" by texas). it reminds me of mark, the first guy i ever really fell for, even though i could never have had him. and every time i hear this song it sort of brings me back to high school. things weren't so complicated then, and i sometimes miss that simplicity that comes with being a teenager. after all, i only have a year and a month left of being in this state between being a child and what people consider to be an adult. so, here are the lyrics:
saint by texas
i'm taking my time
i'll fix it, don't worry now
i'm needing you there
make sure that you're coming too
all of my life
is all Ii'll give you here
the meaning of me
is something to pursue
you think i'm a saint
it's in your pretty head
stretched out like a saint now
i love you to death
catch another dream now
we can find them somehow
i know that there's a boy inside the man
catch another dream now
take all we are allowed
for i know that there's a man inside the boy
grown ups don't know
how to dream anymore
their heads in the sand
and they choose to ignore it all
all of my life
is all i'll give you here
the meaning of me
is something to pursue
you think i'm a saint
it's in your pretty head
stretched out like a saint now
i love you to death
catch another dream now
we can find them somehow
i know that there's a boy inside the man
catch another dream now
take all we are allowed
for i know that there's a man inside the boy
you think i'm a saint
it's in your pretty head
stretched out like a saint now
i love you to death
catch another dream now
we can find them somehow
i know that there's a boy inside the man
catch another dream now
take all we are allowed
for i know that there's a man inside the boy
catch another dream now
we can find them somehow
i know that there's a boy inside the man
catch another dream now
take all we are allowed
for i know that there's a man inside the boy
a man inside the boy
you think I'm a saint
it's in your pretty head
...
posted at 4:27 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: "tightrope" by kylie minogue
first off: two amazing songs everyone must download and listen to over and over again - "tightrope" by kylie minogue (of course, she's absolutely incredible and definitely the biggest musical influence in my life right now) and "american english" by idlewild. i saw them when they opened up for placebo on their black market music tour. these guys know how to rock and impressed my jaded friends who weren't too excited to see them. they are the only band that i've seen that started off with a small crowd and by the end had the place filled with people dancing around to their music.
hmmm this line from "tightrope" totally describes me right now: i'm in so deep/ i can't think and i can't sleep.... i was totally wrong about the whole nick thing of course. he got home, but he had missed his connection in toronto, and in the end he ended up getting home (after work and other stuff) at 2.00 in the morning. of course it would have been fine for him to call, but he didn't know that i really could care less when he calls. i would rather hear his voice than sleep. after all, i can always go back to sleep after talking to him. but, i'm meeting some of his family today. i don't know how its gonna go, but i hope they like me. i'm not a bad person (am i?) and i'm fun to be around (right?!). so, i'm totally freaking myself out. it will be fun. anyway, i'm gonna calm down by watching another episode of dawson's creek, and then i'm gonna get some sleep. ciao!
Reading: The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism
Naomi Klein God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
Christopher Hitchens Copenhagen
Time Out City Guides
Seeing: Juno
Jason Reitman Annie Hall
Woody Allen There Will Be Blood
Paul Thomas Anderson
Listening to: Boxer
The National The Fountain: OST
Clint Mansell In Rainbows
Radiohead
