i am not gonna get over this any time soon. that has become evident to me. i spent the day in and out of depression, attempting to avoid things that remind me of nick. so, basically that worked for all of five or ten seconds. there is too much that reminds me of him. i miss his face soooo much, and i cannot believe its over. i just cannot believe it. i knew it was coming for a while, but i hoped this was just another problem to face and get through, not give up on. i haven't felt this low in a long time. i keep on bumping into things i miss:
- opening my wallet and seeing our metro pictures together
- phoning his house and leaving a message knowing full well that he is working
- seeing the picture he gave me to stick on my fridge
- playing songs specifically cos they remind me of him
- knowing that i'll see him sometime soon.
this sucks. i think i'll just go cry for a few hours then attempt to sleep before i have to haul myself to class. night.
...
posted at 12:09 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, October 30, 2002
thats it. i'm tired of being sad. my theme for november is 'goin' down' by mel c. 'now i feel no remorse/ my life is back on course/ from this little hitch/ i have become a super bitch'. yay! i'm happy, and time to go out and do something amazing.
...
posted at 12:14 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
music right now: 'tightrope' by kylie minogue
so i'm single. this kind of sucks. i feel so weird. its been four and a half months since i've been single, and its such an odd feeling to not know that i can have a kiss and a hug from my boyfriend at the end of the week. i don't know when i'm gonna talk to nick again, but its not gonna be anytime soon. i need some time. so, i'm going to the homo-hop on saturday. i'm not looking for anything, but i'm just going to have fun and maybe i'll feel better. i didn't need a break-up right now, but i guess its inevitable.
...
posted at 7:09 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'real love' by mary j blige
love this song. its great. mary j is amazing. i love her music so much.
anyway, my uber-complicated life is a lot less dramatic than it seems. for once if i end up single it won't be the end of the world, but its not something i am welcoming with open arms. i want to be with nick, but it he doesn't want to be with me then i cannot force him. and this week is hallowe'en after all, so i should be happy. so, i'm gonna go back to listening to music (now its 'someone to call my lover' by janet jackson) and think happy thoughts.
...
posted at 3:12 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, October 28, 2002
i remember one distinct time when i was eleven that i woke up and was tired of living. i have no idea why it happened, but it was the worst day of my life. it still haunts me because that feeling has never gone away. i don't want it anymore, but it still remains. right now i want to vomit just because. because it would be like purging all of my problems. it would be cathartic. it would feel good. i can't look at myself in the mirror right now. i don't want to see whats looking back. i've tried hard to forget that tired feeling, but it keeps on creeping up on me, and shows in my eyes.
...
posted at 2:08 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, October 27, 2002
i don't matter. i just never knew it until now. nick went away for the weekend, and i missed him so much. he came home tonight, and i got maybe three sentences on msn. i want to hear his voice. but he isn't gonna call tonight. the only reason he was on msn was to accept his friends adding him onto their list. so, now i know. i don't matter. like a call of two seconds would make me at least feel like i'm not worthless, but apparently that isn't going to happen.
i don't want it to end this way, but i can't keep having my feeling messed about like this. i don't know whether he is doing this as some way of saying that he wants out, or maybe i'm making more than it is, but i can't deal with this. i fucking hate my life right now. i don't want anyone else. i'm not considering anyone else. but i'm guessing he doesn't feel the same.
...
posted at 10:18 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, October 24, 2002
i officially am in love with law and order. it doesn't matter which one, they're all amazing. i love watching all of them. i want a&e specifically cos i could watch ten episodes a day and never get tired of it. i don't know why.
...
posted at 10:56 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
"are you trippin'? cos no one interrupts the queen of soul bitch, mkay?"
i just finished watching the matt damon episode of will and grace for the tenth time. i swear, i know that episode off by heart. its great :-)
...
posted at 9:30 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
today i bought a hat,
well how about that, a hat? a hat
i would rather have a cat,
but i think i'll stick with my new hat.
...
posted at 8:06 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
the canadian alliance has done it again. who the fuck elected stephen harper? i cannot believe he said what he said about svend robinson. its disgusting. as far as i'm concerned, a vote for the c.a. is a vote for hate.
(if you don't know what i'm talking about, here is what happened:)
in the house of commons yesterday they were debating the new ethics package introduced by the prime minister, when stephen harper said that the pictures of four liberal m.p.'s were on the front of the national post (*cough cough* facist rag *cough cough*), and for all we know in all the police stations across the country. svend robinson stood up and chastised mr harper, saying that an attack on other m.p.'s by saying they are criminals goes against the format of debating within the house. harper responded by saying that he's sure that svend robinson's picture are posted in other places besides police stations. considering that svend robinson is gay, that is a super offensive comment.
...
posted at 6:02 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
music right now: 'anywhere' by beth orton
this is a really good song. its jazzy and interesting at the same time. i'm not a huge fan of jazz, but i love this song.
anyway, its over. i swear, we as gay men get periods too. ours are emotional times where nothing helps. well, mine is over. thank fucking god. i get periods like that about twice a month, and i'm better now. yay! and i took my poetics midterm today and did really well i think. except i finished with like ten minutes left and everyone else was writing like crazy, so i really hope i didn't blow it big time. i knew what i was doing on that exam, and if i get a bad mark its gonna take a lot of shopping (i'm talking like $500 worth) to make me feel better.
...
posted at 3:36 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, October 20, 2002
music right now: 'please forgive me' by david gray
this song is so heartbreaking for me.
i'm in a really shitty mood right now and my poetics studying is suffering (thank god my midterm is on tuesday, not tomorrow). anyway, i feel like a bad person. i am a complication for nick, and it really sucks. not me specifically as a person, but what i represent. basically the role i play is a problem for his parents, and i don't know what to do. it hurts and i feel its beginning to tear our relationship apart. not that there weren't problems before, but i really feel the cracks starting to appear. i'm not going to see him for about two weeks cos he is going to ontario this coming weekend, so perhaps the time apart will help things. i cannot go through a breakup right now and i don't want to lose him. i've felt on the end of the end for a while and then suddenly in the past week things seemed a lot better. but now i feel that its a lot harder than before now that i know what i mean in his life to his parents, and i feel like shit. and it leads me to think that maybe i deserve this. oi, i just don't want to deal with this, but i am sitting here making study notes and all i keep coming back to is the fact that i am not making his life any better by being in it. i want to be with him - more than anything. and i don't think that is reciprocated. so, i'm left feeling empty and dead. and selfish. and stupid. i am going to get hurt here, and i'm not doing anything to stop that.
another thing is there is a homo-hop coming up. i don't want to go. i fucking hate half the people in the gay community here. there is this one guy who i don't even know his name who keeps on hitting on me (thank god he doesn't go to mcgill) and he found out that i have a boyfriend (whoever told him thank you!!!!!!!) and he wants to go out with me. now seriously i wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole. of course if i outright rejected him he would talk and i would totally get a worse reputation than i already have (i'm not sure what rep i have but i'm sure it goes something like this: liar, slut, moron, ugly, fat, utterly pathetic loser). i can't deal with all this bullshit and drama. fuck.
...
posted at 10:54 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'nevermind' by jann arden
i love her music so much. i swear, she is my favourite canadian musician, along with sarah harmer, sarah slean, sarah mclachlan, and the tea party.
this song reminds me of calgary and edmonton for some strange reason. possibly because she is from calgary, but also because it somehow has a strange western taint to it .it doesn't sound like country music, but jann arden will always remind me of the prairies much in the same way 'the space between us' will always remind me of montreal last year.
...
posted at 8:51 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'die another day' by madonna
i saw two really amazing french movies yesterday (and early this morning): 'ma femme est une actrice' and 'un crabe dans la tête'. the former i saw at le parisien with vicky. it was such a charming, sweet and funny movie. i didn't understand some of the sub-plot involving the main character's sister and her husband, but that is because the movie was in french without subtitles. the main actress, charlotte gainsbourgh is absolutely amazing and lights up the screen the entire time. a definite must see. and the latter is a really strange movie, made here in montreal. you will recognise places in the city (if you live here). its a strange trip, i must say that. on the dvd itself it says 'comedie' but this movie really isn't that funny. there are funny parts to it, but its more of an experimental type film than anything else. i'm glad nick and i rented this. it was a choice between 'un crabe dans la tête' and 'wasabi' and i wasn't really in the mood for a slapstick jean reno movie.
...
posted at 7:00 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, October 18, 2002
music right now: 'on a night like this' by kylie minogue (she's my god!)
what it is going to take to get me through 8 days in alberta at christmas [a prediction]:
3 bottles of wine, preferably white and from australia
8 grams of weed
4 tabs of e
13 hours of queer as folk re-runs
70 kylie minogue songs
3 kylie minogue dvds (not videos, i will not allow her to be seen in such poor video quality)
18 hours of shopping, preferably at west edmonton mall or anyplace that has diesel, dkny, and gucci
and
7 hours of playing drag queen with my 8 year old sister
ya, thats gonna be my christmas. wish me luck.
...
posted at 9:14 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'can't get you out of my head' by kylie minogue
i am in love with this song all over again. hurrah!!
anyway, i have to get something off my chest.... emanuel ungaro and alexander mcqueen and issey miyake are the most amazing fashion designers on the face of this planet. ya.
so, i'm stuck in this lull between the end of spanish and the beginning of work (in an hour and a half). i fucking hate this. its like waiting to be shot by a firing squad. just do it already! we listened to 'me gustas tú' by manu chao in spanish today. it was great. i knew most of the words and our prof. kept on saying 'cantar! cantar!' and we did of course, and she would turn the music down to hear if we were singing. it was so funny. she's adorable. i love my spanish prof. and my russian prof. too. she was trying to say something in english today (she's from moscow, so she has a really thick accent) and was talking about how old ladies sit on benches between buildings, but she said branches instead of benches and then she realised what she had said and then said 'ya, our old crows sit on branches' and started laughing. it was so adorable. she cracks me up half the time. its great.
...
posted at 1:43 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
i just found out that three, not two as i originally thought, teams on the amazing race 3 have gay team members. hurrah! but the team i was cheering for, dennis and andrew (he's so cute) were eliminated tonight, so that sucks, but there is still aaron/arienne and ken/gerard to cheer for. i just hope the twins lose. they're too hot to win. oi. and i really don't like michael/kathy, so hopefully they'll lose. and teri/ian are way too bitter towards one another. they bitch way too much at each other. its almost painful to watch.
...
posted at 11:25 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
if you are wondering more about shakaya (which of course you are! :-) here is the little bio from hmv.com.au:
Shakaya: 'Simone Stacey and Naomi Wenatong met at an ATSIC Music Course two years ago. The Cairns-based singers share common ancestry, an intoxicating mix of Aboriginal, Vanuatu and Caucasian heritage. They attended Lou Pearlman's (N'Sync, Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys) Orlando "Boot Camp" to work with some of the best choreographers, vocal coaches, arrangers, musicians and songwriters in the country. Shakaya's self-titled debut album contains three smash hit singles; 'Stop Calling Me', 'Sublime' and the just released smash 'Cinderella' '
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posted at 2:00 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'stop calling me' by shakaya
this song sounds like a mix of sugababes and 3lw. its very strange. anyway, chances are unless you're an aussie or kiwi, you've never heard of shakaya. they're from down under and are really good. i like them (not enough to order their cd from hmv.com.au, but in time...). oooh, new jj72 cd, 'i to sky' came out today. i'm debating whether i want to buy it or save my marbles for the limited edition of 'scarlet's walk' by tori amos, which comes out on 29 october. oi, so many things i want.
on another tangent, i should be sleeping, but its come to my attention that i'm perhaps afraid of sleeping, not in the sense that i am afraid of the actual act, but afraid of missing something outside of the act of sleeping. i've always been that way, and my mum would always say that. well, i think mum's true. eh, whatever. i don't mind missing sleep. i'll catch up when i'm dead.
one last thing - see 'the rules of attraction'! you won't regret it, i swear!
...
posted at 1:56 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, October 15, 2002
music right now: 'cigarettes will kill you' by ben lee
i am so addicted to music right now simply because of one reason - my language lab headphones. they have amazing sound quality so every song i listen to sounds new. its so cool. i'm falling in love with these songs all over again. and because 'cigarettes will kill you' is such an amazing song, here are the lyrics:
cigarettes will kill you by ben lee
You throw me in a pan
You cook me in a can
You stretch me with your hands
You love to watch me bake
You serve me up with cake
And that's your big mistake
Your guest comes in dressed smart
You offer a la carte
You didn't have the heart
And I want a TV embrace
And I, I'm getting off your boiling plate
They swore you'd steal my steam to feed your dream
And then be gone
I wish I could say that everyone was wrong
You left me burned and seared
You left me ripped and teared
And older than my years
I should have know at first
That you would leave me hurt
You had to try dessert
No way to let off steam
Don't bother milk or cream
No way to let off steam
And I want a TV embrace
And I, I'm getting off this boiling plate
They swore you'd steal my steam to feed your dream
And then be gone
I wish I could say that everyone was wrong
It must feel good to stand above me
While I make you so proud of me
It must feel good that I'm now gone
I wish I could say that everyone was wrong
I wish everyone was wrong
I wish everyone was wrong
I wish everyone was wrong
I wish everyone was wrong
I wish everyone was wrong
...
posted at 6:25 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
oh, i have a new email address. i was sick of my hotmail one, and i'm not 18 anymore, so its kind of outdated, so here is my new one :-) : androgyny@phat.co.nz. yay!
...
posted at 4:13 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'just like a pill' by pink
i love this song. i haven't listened to pink in a while, but i've suddenly had a pink revival of sorts in the past few days (that coupled with the fact that i realised the language lab headphones kick ass for listening to music, so i am using my set and rocking out to pink and garbage and the cranberries and catatonia and texas and you get the picture.
this month's theme song: 'parade' by garbage - definitely their best sing (its from beautifulgarbage). and i've decided i want my hair like shirley manson's in the video for androgyny, so that will be an adventure in itself i believe.
so, i've found another queer class i am thinking of taking next term - engl 493: image and text 2: selected writings and films of pier paolo pasolini. he happened to be a gay italian director/writer who was kicked out of the communist party in the 1940s specifically because he was gay, and the course sounds really interesting. its taught by professor boris, so its going to be as boring as all hell, but i can give him head and get an A, so i might as well :-) plus there are no prerequisites, so i'm happy.
i have three other classes i also want to take, but i think i might have to put them on the backburner. and holocaust literature isn't being taught this year, so i'm glad i don't have to choose between that and engl 493.
so ya, i spent most of my weekend reading and looking at grad schools. its a little early for that, but i have two choices as to what i can do - go into pre-med (which would mean i might have to stay in canada for that) or continue on and do my doctorate in a joint english lit/russian lit programme in australia or new zealand (i haven't checked out the programmes in the uk yet unfortunately). i already have an idea of what i want to do my doctoral thesis on - minority writings (specifically gay and lesbian/indigenous peoples) of both the south pacific and russia. so, its a very broad topic. basically i want to compare how the identities of these people in those areas are brought out in the literature they write, and i think it would be super interesting. and it gives me a reason to take new zealand literature courses if i go on exchange to auckland next school year.
and yesterday i had a great evening with nick. we went to le commensal for supper then came back and watched 'y tu mamá también' cos he hadn't seen it yet and i had rented it. it was a great movie of course, but the dvd didn't have any extras with kind of sucked. and he slept over because he missed the last metro, so that was kind of nice. plus today is four months for us, and despite all the ups and downs i've felt lately within the relationship, i really think it'll be a while longer for us. i hope.
music right now: 'beauty on the fire' by natalie imbruglia
i feel so strange today. i actually am finally beginning to really love what i'm doing in school. like my poetics class actually means something to me more than just an 1 and a half waste on tuesdays and thursdays. i love the professor too - natalie cooke. i definitely want to take another course with her. she has the strangest accent - it sounds like a mix between british and canadian, but the funny thing is she is from british columbia (nanaimo i think), and according to her bio on the english department's website, she's never taught in england, so i find it interesting how in her speach she rounds her vowels and sounds very british like. its cool.
but ya, i think i should go do some work. ciao.
...
posted at 3:37 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, October 14, 2002
i'm bored, and i ran across one of these things, so i'm filling it out :-P
5 THINGS YOU HATE
1. having no direction in life
2. roger ebert
3. disgusting dep wine
4. movie stores that don't have memento on dvd
5. the fact that it hasn't snowed yet
5 THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
1. why my apartment has random smells half the time (they're not my fault if that's what you're thinking)
2. the new zealand grad school system (what exactly is a bridging programme???)
3. why listening to my music full blast with my head phones on gives me a headache
4. why it hasn't snowed yet (ya, i really want it to snow. i'm looking forward to winter)
5. why movie stores (*cough* vidéotron *cough*) don't have memento on dvd to rent
5 THINGS ON YOUR DESK
1. an empty dvd case
2. post-it flags
3. a corkscrew
4. change
5. a glass of pepsi
5 THINGS YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW
1. listening to 'american english' by idlewild
2. chatting with nick :-)
3. wondering why my right hand is ice cold and my left isn't
4. getting annoyed because i have a headache
5. thinking about whether i want to attempt to get into med school in a few years after i graduate
5 NEGATIVE FACTS ABOUT YOU
1. i have a penchant for not knowing my limits when it comes to alcohol
2. i get in fucked up moods and it takes a while to get out of them
3. i am a horrible procrastinator
4. i spend money likes its going out of style
5. i smoke occasionally
5 POSITIVE FACTS ABOUT YOU
1. i ignore what people say about others and i get to know that person personally, rather than second hand
2. i get attached to my friends rather easily
3. i am incredibly loyal to people
4. i'm not hard hearted and have great taste in music :-)
5. i care about people more that i should sometimes
5 THINGS YOU PLAN TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. see the sun set over the tasman sea from auckland
2. get married
3. skydive
4. publish my book of poetry i'm working on
5. see all of europe (even andorra and san marino and liechtenstein)
5 THINGS YOU CAN DO
1. match my clothes (and rather easily too i must say
2. name every kylie minogue song/music video/album and sing the lyrics to 90% of them
3. procrastinate and justify it too
4. forgive very easily
5. be proud of who i am most of the time
5 THINGS YOU CAN'T DO
1. stick my tongue out more than 1 1/2 cm
2. a flip
3. stand eminem or any other homophobic person
4. listen to creed, nickelback, or whiny shit like that
5. marry hugh grant or jude law like i want to :-(
5 OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS
1. tightrope - kylie minogue
2. its in our hands - björk
3. hun jorð - sigur rós
4. a sorta fairytale - tori amos
5. cigarettes will kill you - ben lee
5 THINGS ABOUT THE SAME (OR OPPOSITE) SEX THAT TURN YOU ON
1. smile
2. posture
3. eyes
4. nice bum :-)
5. height (the taller the better)
5 FAVORITE MOVIES
1. the sweet hereafter
2. dancer in the dark
3. trainspotting
4. the rules of attraction
5. l.i.e. (long island expressway)
5 THINGS YOU SAY MOST
1. oi!
2. whatever
3. like,...
4. whoever said that orange is the new pink was seriously disturbed
5. i am such a diesel whore
5 THINGS YOU HAVE TO DO
1. get some sleep
2. clean my apartment
3. write
4. give nick a huge hug
5. phone a few people
5 PEOPLE YOU NEED TO THANK
1. my mum
2. vicky
3. kylie (for all the amazing music she constantly thrills me with)
4. nick
5. my neighbour for not killing me (i am soooooo noisy half the time)
5 FAVORITE PLACES
1. my bed
2. anywhere with nick or my best friends
3. walking on campus/downtown montreal on a snowy, slightly chilly night (*hint hint to the gods of weather!*)
4. on the dancefloor
5. montreal in general
5 THINGS YOU'D EAT ON THE LAST DAY OF YOUR LIFE
1. anything from le commensal
2. veggie sushi
3. tofu pepperoni slices
4. rice cream
5. spruce beer (well, this is a drink, but a damned good one at that)
...
posted at 3:06 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Sunday, October 13, 2002
i just saw part of the video for 'a sorta fairytale' by tori amos. its really cool, but the best part is that adrien brody was in it! if you don't know who he is, he's this really gorgeous actor who was in 'the thin red line', 'summer of sam', and is the star of 'the pianist' which is roman polanski's new film that won the palme d'or at cannes.
...
posted at 3:58 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'you can be replaced' by dot allison
i just got back from seeing 'the rules of attraction'. hands down the best movie of this year, and definitely one of the top five movies i've ever seen. its what i needed to see right now, and i cannot believe how fucking good it was.
...
posted at 1:10 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, October 12, 2002
happy (late) coming out day.
the most important thing i ever read when coming out was an article in rolling stone from like 1999. the mag had the beastie boys on the cover and the article was called 'to be young and gay'. i cried many times reading that article, but everytime i re-read it, i knew i wasn't alone and that simple fact gave me the will, and albeit very slim hope, and i knew things would get better.
...
posted at 1:45 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, October 11, 2002
music right now: 'die another day' by madonna
BEST bond song ever. almost best madonna song ever (following closely behind 'get into the groove', 'like a prayer', and 'impressive instant'). i am so seeing 'swept away' tomorrow too. hurrah! ya, its like my weekend of ultra-madonna saturation.
oi, i fucking hate ben mulroney. he's such a smarmy bastard. oi, what a stupid cunt (i have more reasons for not liking him - the fact that he sucks at hosting a show, can't read the telepromter as if he isn't checking himself out in it, and has this annoying smirk across his face everytime you see him). he should just fade into oblivion like his father.
...
posted at 1:10 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, October 10, 2002
music right now: 'possibly maybe' by bjork
i cannot sleep. its not for any one particular reason, i just lay on my futon and cannot manage to drift into sleep even though i am utterly and completely knackered. oi, this is going to be a long night and day. thankfully i only have two classes. if i had anymore i would cry. but ya.
i noticed something - people don't comment! oi, if you read, comment please. i enjoy having feedback on whatever i happen to write at said period.
well, life is rather mundane at this stage in my year. i want something to happen. nothing seems to want to budge. this weekend everyone is leaving for thanksgiving. i'm stuck here all alone. i don't know what i'm going to do. i'll see nick, of course, but i just wish i had somewhere to go - somewhere to be. i was mistakenly told that relatives were coming, and hence i had to cancel my trip to nyc, so now that i have found out that was wrong i am stuck here with nowhere to be. oi, loneliness.
u.s representative dennis kucinich:
"During the Administration of Ronald Reagan, 60 helicopters were sold to Iraq. Later reports said Iraq used US helicopters to spray Kurds withchemical weapons. According to the Washington Post, Iraq used mustard gas against Iran with the help of intelligence from the CIA. Intelligencereports cited the use of nerve gas by Iraq against Iran.
Iraq's punishment? The US reestablished full diplomatic ties around Thanksgiving of 1984.
Throughout 1989 and 1990, US companies, with the permission of the first Bush government, sent to the government of Saddam Hussein tons of mustardgas precursors, live cultures for bacteriological research, helped to build a chemical weapons factory, supplied West Nile virus, supplied fuel air explosive technology, computers for weapons technology, hydrogen cyanide precursors, computers for weapons research and development and vacuumpumps and bellows for nuclear weapons plants."
so at least the weapons inspectors will know what brands to look for! technology sold to iraq by american companies with the blessings of the u.s department of defense...
-moby
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posted at 1:36 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, October 04, 2002
music right now: 'fast car' by tracy chapman
i'm back at the old keyboard, stuck being awake. i cannot sleep. i hate this. life is way too fucked up for me right now, and my first instinct is to run... run far away. go to london. not look back. i've done that once in the past two years, i cannot do it again. i have too much emotion invested here. i like montreal. i walk in this city every day and find more to love about being here. i just feel like an emotional punching bag and i never find a resolution to my problems. i have no idea where i am going, what i am doing.... oi, i need to sleep.
p.s. i have to see the movie 'between strangers'. there's something about the commercial that draws me in every time.
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posted at 1:35 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, October 03, 2002
music right now: 'bucket' by neutral milk hotel
i'm depressed. this sucks. i haven't talked at any real length with nick in two or three days. like we talked a bit last night and he had to go because he got a long distance beep, and i said i'd call back. i did, but his sister was on the phone, so i called back 20 minutes later. nonetheless, i did not get to talk to him last night. i forgot he was working tonight and i left a message with his mum, but i haven't heard from him, and i'm guessing that i won't. we both work tomorrow night, so the soonest i'll hear from him is saturday.... this sucks. i just wish things weren't so complicated sometimes. oi, i'm gonna go roll into a ball and cry. oi.... fuck.
...
posted at 11:36 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
inspiration comes from the most likely places, in my case, my poetics class:
erase my eyes
and this madness i will erase
there is nothing left in that place,
yes, but i see the anger upon your face
which does little to prove your grace
and this matter we shall trace
i easily find a line to trace,
about this matter and your disgrace,
but i shall maintain all my grace
though the damage you cannot erase
the guilt hangs upon your face
and now i must confront that place
that place? that place? that place?
you imagine some guilt to trace
and an air upon my sullen face
but it is you who are the disgrace
all the jealousy you cannot erase
within the excuse of your grace
how dare you attack my state of grace
and avoid examining that cruel place
with the lies you will not erase
and the deception that i shall trace
how dare you call me a disgrace!
look how the tears stain my face!
i see the tears stain your face
which leaves little doubt about your grace
but i swear that there was no disgrace
i took her not to that place
the facts of this i shall trace
and this conflict we can erase
only we have that place; my love i see your face
in a state of grace, my hand this shall trace,
i am with disgrace, please help me to erase
Reading: The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism
Naomi Klein God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
Christopher Hitchens Copenhagen
Time Out City Guides
Seeing: Juno
Jason Reitman Annie Hall
Woody Allen There Will Be Blood
Paul Thomas Anderson
Listening to: Boxer
The National The Fountain: OST
Clint Mansell In Rainbows
Radiohead
