insomnia. i can't sleep. here's a survey (i'm trying to bore myself to sleep).

SIMPLE QUESTIONS:

1. Full name: clinton glenn

2. Most Common Nicknames: clint, clinty, muffin

3. Eyes: hazel (or gayzel and they were once called)

4. Height: 178cm

5. Hair: black

7. Do u like to sing in the shower? occasionally

9. Birthday: 30 july, 1983

10. Sign: leo

11. Address: sherbrooke and durocher

12. Sex: male

13. Righty or lefty: right

14. What do you want in a relationship most: someone who will make me feel as amazing as i should feel and a person who not only makes me feel safe but respects me for who i am, flaws and all

15. Have you ever cheated? on what?

17. Do u own a car? no

18. What kinda car do you have/want? a mini cooper with the union jack painted on it :-D or a vw bug convertable

FAVORITE QUESTIONS:

19. Movie: the sweet hereafter, solaris, dancer in the dark, the hours, 24 hour party people, sous le sable, 28 days later, wonderland, y tú mama también, hable con ella, le fabuleaux destin d'amélie poulain, strange fits of passion, trainspotting, get real, beautiful thing, to wong foo thanks for everything julie newmar, the thin red line, the dead poets society

20. Song: 'all is full of love' and 'possibly maybe' björk, 'njósnaevelin' sigur rós, 'surrounded' by chantal kreviazuk, 'good enough' by sarah mclachlan, 'evil' by ladytron, 'the bitter end' and 'sleeping with ghosts' by placebo, 'be mine' and 'say hello wave goodbye' by david gray, 'in your eyes' and 'here comes the flood' by peter gabriel, 'i can't see new york' and 'a sorta fairytale' by tori amos, 'le grand secret' by indochine, 'battery in your leg' by blur, 'could i be your girl' and 'sleepless' by jann arden, 'carbon kid' by the alpinestars ft. brian molko, 'linger' and 'shattered' and 'you and me' by the cranberries

21. Band/singer: björk, sigur rós, placebo, ladytron, sarah mclachlan, blur, the cure, depeche mode, marilyn manson, miss kitten, tori amos, the cranberries, the white stripes, the strokes, the stills, moby, paul van dyk, iio, etc....

22. TV Show: bbc world news, queer as folk, the o.c., coupling, at home with the braithewaites, spooks, felicity, sex and the city

23. Actor: sir ian mckellen, alan rickman, alan cumming

24. Actress: jennifer jason leigh, helen baxendale, emily watson, dame judy dench, jodie foster, stockard channing

25. Food: vegetarian sushi, chips with mayonnaise, curry rice

26. Number: six

27. Cartoon: none really... the simpsons?

28. Cartoon Character: none

29. Colour: black, blue, silver, white

30. Do you plan on having children: i may adopt, but no promises

31. Do you want to get married: maybe

32. How old do you wanna be when you are married? if i do, around 25 to 30

33. Would you have kids before marriage: depends

34. Do u have a b/f or g/f? Who?: nothing is defined, but it's well on its way there (his name is james)

35. Do you have a crush? see above

36. Music/TV: music

37. Guys/Girls: guys are hot, girls are good friends

38. Green/Blue: blue

39. Pink/Purple: purple

42. Winter/summer: winter

43. Night/Day: night

44. Hangin Out/Chillin: chillin and hangin out

45. Dopey/Funny: mmmm no

46. You know I'm around when you hear: 'oi!', 'crikey', '______ (insert the name of a guy) is sooooo hot', 'scheisse', and random aussie slang words

47. What school do u go to? mcgill university (faculty of arts, slavic studies and english departments)

48. Have you ever smoked cannabis? i did a few days ago

FRIENDS:

49. Nicest: all of them

50. Funniest: kyle cracks me up a lot

51. Tallest: mmmm not sure... probably ian?

52. Best All Around Person: all of them

53. Which 3 people do u trust and are open with the most: vicky, kyle, jeff

53. What do you think of soul mates? i know who mine are

54. Is it right to flirt if you have a bf/gf?: no, it pisses me off to no end

56. What's something about guys/girls you don't get: how people can be in love but can't keep it together. how some guys just want to sleep around and don't find anything worthwhile within a relationship

57. Are you happy: depends on the hour/day

58. Why?: because not every day is a happy day and not everything in life makes sense

59. What's an object you can't live without?: don't know.. maybe my book i write in, though i haven't written much in it in a while

60. Love or lust: love of course. lust can be fun, but in the end it isn't everything

61. Silver or gold: silver

63. Diamond or pearl: neither

64. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping: not that i recall, though that would be fun

65. Do you sleep with stuffed animals: no

68. What song are u listening to right now? 'he's simple, he's dumb, he's the pilot' by grandaddy

69: Whats the last 4 digits of your phone number? 3611

70. Where would you want to go on your honeymoon? iceland or cronulla, new south wales, australia, or the falkland islands

72. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex: how they react with other people of the opposite sex.

73. Favourite sport?: none reallly

74. What makes you happy? music, certain people, chocolate, dancing with friends, certain other things

75. What's the next CD(s) you're going to buy?: 'hotel paper' by michelle branch. i just got 'elephant' by the white stripes

76. Do u wear contacts or glasses? nope

77. What's the best advice given to you? 'make your mark' mrs jensen hengstler (my grade 11 social studies teacher)

78. Have u ever won any special awards? i've won a few over the years

79. What are your future goals? get a good job, find a great guy to settle down with and write until the day i die or my hands cramp up from carpal/arthritis (which ever comes first)

80. Worst sickness u ever had? mononucleosis

81. Do you like Funny or Scary movies better? neither

82. On the phone or in person? in person is so much better

83. Hugs or kisses? both

84. What song seems to reflect you the most? 'disintegration' by the cure, 'tear in my side' by gemma hayes, 'a place called home' by pj harvey or 'when it's cold i like to die' by moby

85. If you died tomorrow who would you leave everything you own to? i would have it all burned

86. Do u have any enemies? none except maybe myself

87. What is your greatest fear? being alone for the rest of my life, being forgotten

89. What time is it in Albania now? probably about eight or nine hours ahead of the time here

91. Have you met Santa? no such person

92. If E.T. knocked on your door holding up a peace sign and asked to use the phone what would you do? i'd close the door and wonder what i had been eating

94. Do u have any pets? no, but my flatmate has two cats (toby and rufie)

95. Whats your email address? mile_over_melbourne@hotmail.com

96. Last time you were depressed? a few days ago?

97. Are you an alcoholic? no

... posted at 2:26 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

Sunday, August 17, 2003

music right now: 'wrong impression' by natalie imbruglia

crikey how life gets complicated so quickly. to begin with, i have been getting these very bizarre sms's from someone and its driving me mad. i have no idea who it is and it is enough to drive me to drink. this person sent me an sms a few days ago and i can't remember what it was, but it had something to do with gold, and then today it was quoting from the divinyls song 'i touch myself'. i just don't get it. argh! hmmmm... now that i think of it, it could be kyle. he's prone to do pranks like this. but he's in virginia, so i doubt he would do something like that.

more complications. ok, the whole thing with matt last weekend was just annoying, and it got just a tad bit more confusing today. i wrote him off because i can't deal with an immature kid like him who stays over and then goes and dances with other guys at unity. so ya, i just forgot about it all. then he was on msn today, and since i like to be civil and nice to people, even those who pull stupid shit. so, we're on msn and he says two different things that make me think 'what the fuck???'. first he says his friend thinks i'm cute and that he (matt) should hold onto me. well, we were never together in the first place, so what?!? then later on he tells me that he misses me. what?!?!?!?!?! i don't get it. ugh. i don't want to be a twat to him...

so, yesterday, i went for dinner at jeff's around seven. he stuffed me full and then we laid around in his room listening to music. there was so much sexual tension you could cut it with a knife. we kissed. i said goodbye as 'good enough' by sarah mclachlan played. we basically said goodbye to one another in that way. its over and i am fine with it. its sort of nice to have that behind me and to move forward. someone once said the hardest part of moving on is not looking back. i've been doing that for years, its time i stop looking over my shoulder.

after that we came to my flat and met up with mike who got back from his summer vacation. it was great to see him again, its been sooooo long since i've seen him. we then high-tailed it to unity. i had talked with james on msn and we decided to meet one another right infront of the bamboo room at midnight. we got there and on the terrasse we looked for brad and i saw james. he came over and ya, things went from there :-) he is really affectionate and its great. his friends are great too. they are so random and funny and just off the wall. it was cool just chillin' with them.

after unity we went to club sandwich 'cos they were hungry and i just sat around with them (i wasn't in a food mood), and then i stayed the night at james' flat in ndg. it was nice to sleep next to him :-) he's soooooooo hot. its great.

anyway, i'm at the point where i just don't know what to expect or care or whatever and i'm taking it as it comes and not thinking about much else. it's redundant going over situations and scenarios and expectations and such because they never play out the way you expect. take it as it comes, that's all i can do.

... posted at 8:54 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

music right now: 'marilyn' by indochine

wow, last night was fun. mmmm things are good at the moment. i need to just remember how this feels when things get down. anyway, i'll write more later.

... posted at 5:20 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

Saturday, August 16, 2003

music right now: 'lost without you' by delta goodrem

i'm on a huge delta goodrem binge at the moment. i adore her so much. anyway, god last night was fucking crazy! so it all started with my cousin shannon's friend tanya having a crush on my flatmate. well of course braden is gay, so that didn't help matters. it seems she is a bit of a faghag, which is hilarious. anyway, we all started drinking and at one point they wanted to know how gay sex works, so on goes the gay porn. tanya screamed at the top of her lungs and sat there looking in between fear and amusement. it was soooooooooooooo funny.

after that kyle got here and we played 'i've never' for like half an hour or so. i got sooooooooo tanked. then kyle was sitting on the same chair as renae and she was ALL OVER HIM. he kept on mouthing to me to finish my drink so we could go to unity, so i did as fast as i could. anyway, at unity i made an ass of myself of course. there is this guy joel (or tall guy as kyle and i refer to him because of his very tall stature) and i think he's cute. kyle used to kind of sort of be with him but not really. i always said that i thought he was cute, so last night i was sitting there talking with him (he's from calgary, so we have the alberta connection going there). so anyway we're sitting there and he says do i see any guys that i like. he points to one and goes 'him?'. i say no. 'him?'. no. 'me?'. yup. so ya, i basically told him i think he's cute. lol. but we ended up talking for like two hours on the terrace (he's mad smart, it kicks ass), and apparently we're going to see françois ozon's newest film, 'swimming pool' on tuesday, so we'll see if that happens. i doubt it will, but you never know.

i get home and tanya is sleeping in my bed. i tell her to roll over and i'll just pass out beside her. what happens after freaks me out. she starts kissing my neck and just ya, it was not a turn on in the least bit. i have never had a girl do that before, so i had no idea how i would react though i was pretty sure it wouldn't be good. and it wasn't. i felt so gross and it just wasn't right at all. hence the fact that i am gay. lol. so i just move over and it stops. thank god.

i'm supposed to go to unity again tonight. james is going to be there. i have no idea what is going on with him. i like him. but i have no idea. boys, can't live without them.... but they're so fucking complicated. and oh ya, this bartender from sky, robin, he likes me. he keeps on hitting on me and shit. its gross. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, old man!

... posted at 2:48 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

Friday, August 15, 2003

music right now: 'innocent eyes' by delta goodrem

so i had a pseudo-date last night with james. basically it consisted of us renting 'the pianist' and watching it. i had seen it before but he hadn't, so we did that. it was nice, though that movie is really hard at times to watch simply because of the disgusting brutality in it. after that we ended up talking until like one in the morning, so by the métro was closed. we watched the e-talk profile of céline dion and realised one thing - she got a nose job. it was funny seeing her in her previous interviews and her newest one because she definitely had some work done. it was actually quite startling at times. then we went to bed. at like five in the morning i woke up with his arm on me, and for some reason i thought there was a cat there too, but i have no idea why. it was bizarre.

so at one point he asks if he can put his arm around me and i of course say sure. we laid like that for a while and it was nice.. then we had to get up early because he started work at 8.30. so ya, i have no idea where this is going. i find him really cute and just a nice guy to be around, so we'll see what happens. i've come to the realisation though that i am super impatient when it comes to relationships. already i want to know if this is going to turn into something or just stay a friendship when i should just shut up and see what comes.

... posted at 9:15 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

music right now: 'love' by delta goodrem

today was an interesting day. anyway, i'm not home from work ten minutes when someone knocks on my front door. its ruben, my next door neighbour. i had briefly met him a few times and thought he was cute (alas he is str8), but he was like 'do you have any extra newspaper?'. i didn't but then he asked if i wanted to smoke a joint and an hour later i was smoking up with him. that was fun. we talked and played chess and ate croissants and drank kool-aid. it turns out he's in psycho/philosophy and is in the same year as i am (he was in mcconnell hall first year on the same floor as rob salerno). so ya, smoking up with the neighbour was fun.

and then later on not too long ago i go on gay.com to just have a little bit of a laugh and i see karim on there. i had suspected that he had blocked me on msn, but since i've changed my email addy for that i add him through my new one and we proceed to talk for two hours. the whole jist of the situation is that he feels he doesn't fit into my social circle and he can't be friends with gay guys unless he has some sort of chance relationship wise with them. i convinced him otherwise and he is now talking to me. good, because i hate losing people over stupid things like that. i am the least judgmental person i can be, so it sucked to think that i did anything to offend him. but he is still and will always be wrong about jeff. he said jeff is fake and flakey, and that is completely wrong.

anyway, on the boy front, things between jeff and i are very weird. we're going for a walk along the canal. we'll be ok eventually. just not now. we are so fucked up at the moment, its hard not being able to be fucked up with him instead of apart from him. i don't know anymore.

on thursday i have a kind of date with james, this guy i've liked for a while but never did anything with. we'll see how that goes. we get along well and have an easy time talking about things. but i don't want a replacement for jeff. he was my first real love, the first person who said it back to me and meant it in that way, and i feel that everything from now on is kind of like... its just not the same. its not new anymore. you understand what i mean? that doesn't mean its inferiour, it just won't give me that same fresh feeling that the first love implies. but then again there is always true love, and thats a whole different game.

... posted at 2:10 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

Monday, August 11, 2003

lesson number one: never have sex with an ex. last night jeff and i ended up having sex. for three hours. and in the end it was basically saying goodbye to one another in that way, and it was the hardest thing i have ever gone through in my life. i am still assessing the emotional impact of it all, but needless to say it feels like being hit with a tonne of bricks yet i still haven't realised what happened in its entirety. the one thing i know for certain now that i didn't really know at the time is that we both still love each other. i didn't know if he did. now i know. and that changes things so completely. its over and i am left to move on by myself.

... posted at 4:46 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

Sunday, August 10, 2003

music right now: 'battery in your leg' by blur

i feel weird at the moment. maybe its because i realised my loaf of bread has gone all mouldy, or maybe its the mayonnaise and cheese sandwich i am eating and shouldn't be. or maybe it was my conversation with jeff on the phone. every time he says things and i want to say something back but i hold my tongue because i can't. i have never been this fucked up about an old relationship, i don't think. have i vicky?

... posted at 7:54 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

music right now: 'taller than god' by strawpeople

i am coining a new phrase right now: affectionate sleeper. this is a person who while sleeping or on the verge of waking up but not awake is affectionate with you. for example, they may kiss you, put their arm around you, snuggle up to you, etc...

how did i come to this conclusion. matt does it. its so adorable, you have no idea. i don't know if i do it, but i might. i remember one time when i was with lauro, it was the first night we spent together and i woke up to him kissing me. later on i thought it was a dream, but he told me a few weeks after that he had just wanted to kiss me so bad that he did and i woke up to that. :-) oh memories lol

... posted at 2:40 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

i feel stupid writing this right now, but i guess its a case of be happy with what you had. happiness is so fleeting in this life that i guess i try to hold onto it as much as possible, even if that is in past experiences. anyway, i realise i miss being in an actual relationship a lot. i hate the fact that when i am sad there is no one here to hold me or look in my eyes and tell me that i am beautiful like jeff did. i am sick of just having to start over again. i feel rejected and ugly at the moment. i look at myself in the mirror and hate what i see. this isn't the way life is supposed to be, is it?

... posted at 2:20 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

Saturday, August 09, 2003

i really really like this song, so i'm posting the lyrics.


Le Grand Secret by Indochine


Laisse-moi être comme toi
Laisse-moi être toi
Laisse-moi être ton sang
Laisse-moi un peu de temps

Je rougirai quand je te verrai
Et quand je te parlerai
Mais quand les lumières seront éteintes
Je te dirigerai sans crainte

Laisse-moi faire comme un garçon
Laisse-moi cette illusion
Laisse-moi être ton roi
Laisse-moi le faire comme toi

Je te montrerai comment on fait
Et puis je te remplacerai
Je ferai comme une fille qui se défend
Une fille qui perd son sang

Laisse-moi être comme toi
Laisse-moi plusieurs fois
Laisse-moi être tes yeux
Laisse-moi faire l'amoureux

Et si un jour tu devais t'en aller
Est-ce que tu pourrais bien m'emporter
Et si un jour tu pouvais tout quitter
Est-ce que tu pourrais garder notre secret

Laisse-moi être ta croix
Laisse-moi essayer
Laisse-moi être juste toi
Laisse-moi être comme toi

Je te laisserai trouver la voie
Et puis je penserai comme toi
Comme une fille qui voudra prendre son temps
Comme si c'était la dernière fois

Si tu devais un soir
Est-ce que tu m'emmènerais?
Et t'envoler sans moi
Est-ce que tu m'emmèneras

Et si un jour on pouvait s'en aller
On pourrait bien enfin s'envoler
Et si un jour on pouvait se quitter
On pourrait bien encore se retrouver

... posted at 5:44 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

music right now: 'calling you' by blue october

i forgot to mention, i saw 'american wedding' (american pie 3) on wednesday. i went in with very low expectations, but it was actually quite good. it was a nice wrap-up to the series (well, if they don't make another one), and made me realise that i want to get married. it will be fun :-) anyway, the best scene has to be the dance off in the gay club between stiffler and the gay guy who stiffler bitched at. it was really funny, and at the same time i thought it was tasteless and shallow, but funny nonetheless.

... posted at 4:13 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

music right now: 'i'll always be right there' by michelle branch

i've been listening to 'hotel paper' a lot today and this song is most definitely the most important song on it i think, simply because i know someone who obviously loves this song. i can imagine what its like when he hears it and i understand the feeling that comes from it. i know this song isn't from hotel paper, but whatever.

i think i let expectations get the best of me most of the time. take last night and what happened with matt. honestly, we aren't together, but with me as soon as i find someone i like, i stop looking elsewhere and focus on that person. i think this is the feminine part of me coming out, and when we were walking back to the metro station i was talking with my cousin's friend renae and she could relate quite a bit. i'm happy they (my cousin and her friends) are here right now, it makes for an interesting two weeks.

btw, matt called this morning. he's staying over tonight. i think i should just be happy with what i have rather than what i don't.

... posted at 3:57 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

i don't agree with certain parts. like i am not too selective of my friends and i am very open-minded, which this did not pick up on.

... posted at 1:38 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Test

... posted at 1:37 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

music right now: 'whatever makes you happy' by powderfinger

i am tired at the moment. i think that i don't make my feelings clear enough sometimes and people take that as a sign that i am not interested. this past week just hanging out with matt has been fun, i've needed this. but tonight at unity he started grinding with someone else. i got jealous and i feel like i have had someone spit in my face. i sent him an sms on my way home saying: 'i want u. if u dont want me, tell me. clint.' i don't know whats going to happen.

... posted at 1:15 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

Friday, August 08, 2003

music right now: 'tongue tied' by my vitriol

i've been listening to a lot of my vitriol lately especially considering its been a year or two since i was really into them. i like them still, its just times changed and i kind of lost the feeling. anyway, things with matt are going well. its such a low pressure relationship that it feels good to be seeing him. everything is undefined, but there is some comfort in that. especially after jeff i don't want anything too serious, but i don't want matt to be a rebound either. thats not fair. so i'm taking it a day at a time :-) anyway, i'm off to watch felicity or do something constructive.

... posted at 2:04 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

music right now: 'another day in paradise' by phil collins

montréal is overcast and gray at the moment and i am sitting in my room in my flat alone and thinking as i normally do. anyway, i am debating whether to call matt and ask him if he wants to stay the night tonight. my cousin and her friends are staying at my grandparents place as they are in ottawa until friday and shannon has the keys. so i will have space and i want him to stay. but i might not. i'll see how things go when i ring him a little later.

i watched two more episodes of the second series of felicity. its fantastic of course, and that show never fails to get me thinking. at the moment i feel i am in the wrong place and i am reminded of it more and more every day. i love montréal, but i don't feel this is where i should be and where i want to be. its like when you are in a relationship where you feel that things are great, but that there is something better out there. i feel that way about this city. there is so much i like about it, but i don't want to be here any more. i keep getting reminded of it in these songs and shows and things i read where i get this overwhelming feeling telling me to follow where my mind takes me, but i can't. i'm in montréal at the moment and it feels like life is slipping through my fingers. its frusterating. there has to be more to life than this. a great deal of it comes from where i'm living i think. i hate the ghetto. i really do. i don't care that it is close to school, and my excuse that i would never go to class if i lived anywhere else is crap. i've thought this over a few times, but i think vicky, ariel and i should have taken that place that was on the edge of n.d.g. and westmount. i made a mistake saying no. vicky, i know you're going to read this, do you want to live together our last year?

another thing i find is that by nature i am a sad person, i find a lot of beauty in sadness. and most of the guys i've dated are not like that with two notable exceptions - mike and jeff. everything always comes back to mike in the end, and i haven't found anyone that i can talk to like i do with him because i always have to justify my emotions and feelings to most other people. i don't have to justify things with him. but we aren't for one another i don't think. jeff, well jeff is an interesting case. i talk about him a lot on here. i know that. but deal with it. this isn't a critique of my life, its my journal and anyone that reads it is choosing so at their own free will. anyway, with jeff he said that i remind him a lot of himself a few years ago. i think that he doesn't think enough of himself even now, though he seems to think otherwise. he says he can read me like a book, well i can read him well too. anyway, i think that because i remind him of himself that this was a major reason things on his side went downhill. i can't change how he looks at himself, but i wish that he knew that he is worth more than he thinks he is.

... posted at 5:50 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

music right now: 'hands' by jewel

a while ago i had my friend karim do a tarot card reading for me. i asked a question, 'when will i find the love of my life in this life?'. his answer was i haven't met him yet but that it will be my next significant relationship. i was with jeff when that happened. we were doomed from the start i think. i remember when i was younger my 'father' had a deck of tarot cards, and i wanted them because they looked cool. anyway, he told me that he had played with them when he was younger and that they had screwed up his life, so he wouldn't give them to me. i'm wondering if they are a self-fulfilling prophecy, that these cards no matter what you say as soon as you have them read to you a part of it goes into your subconscious and kind of guides you to what they said your future would look like. its like mathieu told me tonight that he was listening to a tape about how his mum went to a fortune teller six years ago and he predicted all this stuff about mathieu's life but he is just hearing it now and most of it is accurate. i wonder if just attempting through some seemingly benign source as a fortune teller to see the future will ruin whatever your future would have been had you not listened.

... posted at 12:33 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

You're Shop till ya drop CARSON Kressley: Fashion
Savant. Get ready to max out your credit card
on madison ave.


What Fab 5 member from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy are you?(with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

... posted at 11:16 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

anyway, we come back and we make out and stuff (nothing x rated), and everything just goes well. then i wake up the next morning and look at my neck and see massive hickeys. like it looks like he strangled me lol. anyway, i wasn't angry, just embarassed. i didn't hear the end of it that whole day.

sunday was the pride parade which was cool but very long. i took my flag and wrapped it around me, hoping to use it as a cover for my neck. that didn't work out so well. later on in the day after i spent hours attempting to get rid of the hickeys (its impossible!), mathieu called me. since we were both going to unity that night we were going to meet at some point. he was going to take the last metro home though because he lives in st-laurent and didn't have a place to stay. so he asks me if he can stay the night. i say of course and that is that. unity was really dead for being pride, but it was nice just chilling on the terrasse with friends and talking and stuff. i saw mathieu and we talked and i had no idea how things were going to go. at one point this guy david comes up to me and says this 'your friends are really rude'. i just wanted to shove my foot down his throat. i cannot stand when people say crap about my friends but i didn't say anything. i just said 'ahhh' and walked off. then i talked with jeff and we talked about how mathieu is young but i like him and jeff was like 'remember, i was 18 and dated a 14 year old'. i don't know if i can date mathieu. he's only going into sec. four. he's turning 16 next month which is good, but i just don't know if i can do it. either way, i still like him.

that same evening i ended up having really really long conversations with kyle. he is most definitely one of my best friends and is the closest male friend i have. he's great and i am so happy i have him to talk to. vicky, don't be jealous, he's a best friend in a different way than you are. you will never be replaced because he simply is not you and what you mean to me is different from what he means to me :-)

so ya, things with jeff are good. i know i talk alot about him in my blog, but honestly he is the first boy that i loved and he loved me back in the same way. i don't know if we'll ever be together again, and i am not thinking about that right now. i know i was so on the fence about him on here, but it wasn't what some people might think. i have abandonment issues and i always do stupid things because i try to protect myself. protect me from what i want, that sort of thing. i am always afraid the people i care about are going to leave me, so i react in different ways. with jeff i tried to push him away and just thought it would be easier if we weren't together, because the eventual heartbreak would be much worse than if things ended quickly. the funny thing is he said something on saturday night that still haunts me and will always haunt me. he told me i should be with someone like mike, my ex. mike and i go through similar things at the same time. emotion wise its like we are identical. i love him to death, but it isn't meant to be and i don't think it ever was. he's my soulmate and no matter how you look at it, soulmates aren't always meant to be with one another. we connected in a way i will never ever be able to connect with someone else, and that makes me smile because its uncomplicated in my mind. i'm not his soulmate i know, but he's mine.

so ya, i don't know what i'm going to do about mathieu. he's cute but he's so young. i like him. he's nice, funny, and even though his first language is french and i don't speak french very well, we can still communicate just by looking at each other, which is cool. a look says a lot, so its nice to not have to use words. i wanted him to ring me today. he didn't. i'm thinking i might call him tomorrow. i don't know where the hell this is going. i don't know if i should be doing this. i always go by the motto age ain't nothin but a number (thank you aaliyah) but it just feels like i am treading on thin ground. whatever happens i don't want anything serious at the moment. i just want to be happy with myself for once in my life.

... posted at 12:35 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

Monday, August 04, 2003

mmmm this has been a very eventful weekend. where to begin?

wednesday i went to unity with jeff for my birthday. we went before to this place called station c. it was a really really strange art exhibit in what used to be a club called the catacombs (i think). we didn't stay for the show, but later on jeff told me that it was a lot like mulholland drive except even more fucked up because it was in front of your eyes and not on a movie screen. he had seen it the previous night, so we didn't stay for it. at unity i got birthday shots and drinks from people and it was kind of fun. the annoying thing was jeff kept on telling me i 'need my birthday fuck'. i told him that there was only one person i wanted to sleep with that night, but it was not going to happen and wasn't a good idea. so i left and came home tired and a little depressed. as i was walking out of unity i ran into sylvain, who is one of brad's friends and is really really cute and nice to boot.

thursday i woke up and went to work and picked up my paycheque. after that i walked around montreal. i walked from peel to the village, stopping in archambault, hmv, bodybodywear, un autre monde, etc... along the way. i bought a really nice tanktop from bodybodywear, and some lube from priape because i just wanted to have some on hand for who knows whatever. so then i took the metro and as i was walking right in front of beaudry i ran into sylvain again. its weird because i rarely ever see him except for when brad has him over, etc... i then got off at st-laurent and bought a nice new pair of diesel shoes for $77 at a sweet store just above ontario street. i came home and spent the rest of the day doing nothing. that night we were off to parking. kyle of course wanted to pick up, and i was really drunk and very pissed off at jeff. why? because he said he would call and he didn't. the alcohol of course added to that, so i spent the evening just being angry with him. i left early after he started screaming in a drunken way that he 'needed to pick up'. i just didn't want to deal with it so i came home and slept.

friday night was unity again. i was really drunk and depressed and crap. i saw jeff and he said a few things that really made me freak out inside, so i went and talked with some other friends. ian was there and i said i'd meet them at stereo after 2, but i came home and passed out. anyway, what jeff said was we never connected when we were together. i know that is a lie, and that isn't just something i am assuming. keep reading..

saturday was a boring day until unity again. i got there and saw jeff. we talked. and talked. and talked. and everything came out. at first i was so distraught and drunk and crap that it just felt weird. he kept on saying i'll leave and give you space. i didn't want that. i wanted to talk to him more than anything because there was a lot left unsaid between the two of us. so we talked about why we felt the way we felt, and how in the end i didn't want space in terms of us being friends. he kept on saying 'take a week' but i knew and i know that if i had, i wouldn't have been able to talk to him again. so everything is good between us now. we're close and honestly i think i am almost over him. i love that boy, but its never going to be as anything more than a friend. we both have a lot we have to work out in our own lives. after that conversation i felt a million kilogrammes lighter, so i went with our whole group down to the bamboo room and danced. thats where for the first time in a while i actually found guys looking at me and not in a negative way. i have this bad tendency to think that all the guys in that club look at me as if they think i'm a loser. i guess i was wrong. so ya, there was this drunken guy who was really cute, but trashed. he started dancing with me a little, but i was so turned off because he couldn't fully stand up and that was sketchy. as well i think he was a tourist, and i was not in the mood for that at all. then there was this other guy who wasn't the cutest boy there, but i thought he looked cool. we kind of smiled but nothing happened because i saw this guy. anyway, a week or two prior i had seen him at unity and both brad and i thought he was cute. i had no idea that brad had eyes for him, but ya. so, brad ended up picking him up, though not much happened. because of one little thing - he's 15.

so then we started dancing. we didn't even touch each other, but it was fun. then just as we actually start dancing together the lights go on and the bamboo room closes. so anyway, he goes to the loo and brad talks to him and somehow it gets that he is coming home with me...

more later...

... posted at 4:17 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

Sunday, August 03, 2003

pride has been crazy! i have two massive hickeys and i am sleeping with a really hot boy tonight who isn't jeff. more to come...

... posted at 11:10 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

Saturday, August 02, 2003

music right now: 'disassociative' by marilyn manson

i am a drama queen but in my own head. in life normally i am a fine person to be around, i may bitch a little too much, but i'm not a mean person. but inside my head its a fucking freak show. i swear, i need to calm the fuck down. life isn't so fucking crazy. anyway, i think i'm bipolar or manic or something because its not like i want my emotions to be all over the place. i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that i repressed them for years, thinking it wasn't a masculine thing to show emotion. then when i came out i stopped giving a shit about gender identity and shit, so i could care less if people see me cry or get angry or sit around being melancholy. in the end i am me, and thats all i have to say. i don't feel male, but i don't feel female as well. hence the fact that i don't call myself a man or a woman. i'm nothing except for myself. thats why i've always taken comfort in androgyny because it fits so well. i have traits of both sexes but am neither. i'm biologically male, but nothing about me shows that. so ya.

anyway, things are a little rough with jeff right now. i know what i lost, i know that we are both in very different places in our lives at the moment and honestly i don't want to lose him, even if in the end we are only friends. he is perfect, he's what i want in a guy. he knows me better than i know myself, which is strange because we haven't known each other for that long. but he can look into my face and read me like a book. we have very different lifestyles. he's cheap, loves the country, religious, and doesn't dress all that well. i'm, well i'm me. i spend money like its going out of fashion, i love the city, i'm a complete atheist, and i dress damn good if i must say so :-) where is this headed? i ask myself that every day. i don't know any guy who fits me like he does and maybe thats just some naive part of me saying that, but it might just be a part of me that i have never felt before. nevertheless we aren't together. who knows where we'll be in ten months time. in the end he's in my life and like a few other boys i dated i hope he stays there.

... posted at 9:57 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...

Friday, August 01, 2003

music right now: 'good enough' by sarah mclachlan

i went to parking tonight. it was a total disaster i don't even want to mention. not only am i not attractive to guys there, it appears i am not attractive to anyone on this earth. jeff was there attempting to pick up, and i just don't know how to express how i feel right now. i feel like drowning myself in my own tears. to top it off i'm 20 as of yesterday and i know so many people who have had their first loves already. i have loved a few guys before, but never have i felt the reverse. i'm going to bed. i'm hoping i don't wake up...

... posted at 2:27 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...