awwww, i just got my first birthday call! it's my birthday in australia right now so daniel called me and wished me happy birthday. it's always great to hear from my aussies :-D
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posted at 6:05 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'another day in paradise' by phil collins
so another night spent with the boy. and things are progressing very well. on tuesday we ended up talking online and i kind of got mixed signals. he said there was still stuff left over from his previous relationship. his ex had cheated on him many times, and was still dealing with the fallout from that, so he wanted to take things slow and not rush into anything. while i completely sympathise with that, i felt a little weird about it. and then last night.
last night was great. everything was fresh and new again, like discovering him for the first time. i feel totally comfortable around emmanuel. he's strange, he's different, and that i love. it's like i don't have to contain myself when i am with him, because he's just as out there as i can be.
the fireworks sucked, but everything else was great.
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posted at 11:22 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
music right now: 'je cours' by kyo
so, new boy. it's been about a month since adam and i broke up. i've gone on a few dates. apparently so has adam. none really worked out. so to my surprise i end up talking to this boy emmanuel. and things have gone from there. i haven't been this excited about a boy in a long time. hopefully everything will continue on well.
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posted at 7:08 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, July 24, 2004
music right now: 'gabriel' by lamb
i have always wanted certain songs to play at certain times during my life. like when i first meet someone, or the first kiss, or what have you.
it's happened twice. once when i was at unity with nick. this would be about the time we first got together. and as we started to leave, 'falling' by alicia keys came on.
the second time was when i was at a coffee shop with ossie. 'gabriel' by lamb came on. it was especially important for me then because that song was a big big part of my life at the time.
i'm not with either person today. and i'm still waiting for that right song to play when i meet that right boy at the right time.
maybe i'm obsessed with everything being right.
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posted at 10:44 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
music right now: 'for reasons unexplained' by casey stratton
i was just watching big brother 5 and i saw an equal marriage commercial. i nearly died. i never knew they were going to run on television, but they are amazing. i am so happy.
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posted at 9:49 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
music right now: 'all night (don't stop)' by janet jackson
at the bookstore we currently have this book 'plateforme (platform)' by michel houellebecq behind the cash on the wall because apparently all the hardcover copies have been stolen. why? apparently it's been called pornographic, racist, xenophobic, immoral, etc. i find this interesting, and yet another reason why i want to read it. i'm not into racist literature or anything, but a book like that which has been so maligned that critics of it have to resort to stealing all the copies of it obviously deserves some sort of attention from me. i've been too complacent in recent years in terms of where i stand moralistically in the world. at our age we can easily do that. there is so much out there in the world to see and experience, that to place ourselves in any moral sphere immediately cuts us off from great sectors of society.
i've been re-evaluating where exactly i stand on things. this year, this summer is the ten year anniversary of two major things in my life: a) it's been ten years since i first became a vegetarian, and b) it's been ten years since i officially stopped believing in a god. i've been an atheist for almost half my life. i never really felt like organised religion was something open to me. i grew up in a fairly free-thinking household. my mum taught us to be open-minded, to accept everyone regardless of race, religion, creed, size, shape, age, sexual orientation, what have you. but at school i saw the complete reverse. going to catholic school for thirteen years made me realise that my mum was somewhat an idealist, but on the right track. i don't know how she can still have faith in religion when all i saw for those years was the hate that religion caused. when i freed myself from the confines of that one religion, of the thought that there was a god i was able to better see that there are so many realities out there.
what am i getting at? in regards to the book, i think those people who stole the copies of the book are reinforcing those racist tendencies. by not responding to criticism in print but instead attempting to silence the critics, they are merely showing that religion itself (in this case islam), is not responsive to anyone. religion is supposed to give people answers to their most fundamental questions. but when you have millions of people each with different interpretations of the same answers, by stifling any sort of dialogue they are merely proving that perhaps religion is not the be all and end all that it appears to be, but is solely a means of control.
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posted at 10:12 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, July 19, 2004
music right now: 'no roots' by faithless ft. dido
hurrah for great music.
after a crazy weekend things have calmed down considerably. i'm rather bored at the moment, but oh well. such is life.
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posted at 8:26 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, July 17, 2004
music right now: 'courage' by sarah polley
so it turns out that i have an acute anxiety disorder. could told you that without seeing a therapist. but whatever.
i feel really weird now. the past few days i haven't felt much of anything. it's like laying in a luke warm pool. that's it. nothing positive. nothing negative. just middle of the road and boring. so i guess this is what it feels like to be normal. there have been times when i've felt like i should feel something but it just doesn't come. no extreme emotional outbursts. no crying. nothing. not even happiness. just contentedness. which is boring.
christ i am losing it i swear.
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posted at 2:38 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, July 16, 2004
music right now: 'pavement cracks by annie lennox
i may be gay but i can admit when a woman is gorgeous. and she is the most gorgeous woman in this entire world.
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posted at 9:36 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
music right now: 'somebody told me' by the killers
i always love when new music comes flooding into my life. right now i am addicted to modest mouse, the killers, and the new interpol album 'antics'. fucking amazing stuff alright!
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posted at 6:47 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Monday, July 12, 2004
i will write about my weekend later, but i just have to address something.
adam told me how his friend is convinced he saw me cheating on him at unity one night. i thought it had been resolved, but i guess it isn't. for the record i did NOT cheat on adam. i was there that night, yes, but i left around 1.00 am. i got there at 12.30, had a horrible panic attack when i couldn't find anyone i knew, and walked around trying to calm myself. i am going to mental health on wednesday because of that specific incident. i've been having panic attacks more frequently, and that one made me decide to go. i would have gone sooner, but my work schedule was not regular so i wasn't sure which day i would be able to go on. i am done with that subject. i don't like being accused of something i did not do, nor do i like someone thinking that i did that.
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posted at 1:55 a.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Friday, July 09, 2004
music right now: 'float on' by modest mouse
i'm a lot better today. last night was a real low point for me and i feel stupid that i let everyone see it, but i guess i just had to break down in order to get back up. i'm still standing and still going on. i will be better one day.
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posted at 2:27 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Thursday, July 08, 2004
music right now: 'vindicated' by dashboard confessional
i never much paid attention to this band but i rather like this song. there's something emotional and raw that draws me in. i need to listen to more of their stuff. any suggestions?
what triggered my breakdown tonight? i saw 'fahrenheit 9/11'. alone. i haven't felt that angry, sad, betrayed, nervous or whatever in a long long long time. great film tho. everyone must see it.
i hate the fact that i have come to realise that i can only count on myself. my mum has told me repeatedly that friends are friends, but family is blood. but i can't even count on family. i call her four to five times a week. it doesn't help alleviate the loneliness. i doubt she even realises anything is wrong.
i hate the fact that no-one understands what i am going through right now.
i hate the fact that i feel like i did when i was in grade nine.
i think i've mentioned this before, but i woke up one day when i was eleven and was tired of living. for the longest time i thought it had gone away, but it creeps up every once in a while and rocks me to my core. to paraphrase winston churchill and the manics, 'there's a black dog on my shoulder again.'
i have been thinking about buying love... in dog form. how sad is that?
janet jackson's new song is hot. that is all.
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posted at 11:31 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
i haven't felt this low in a long time. i just feel like the people that i surround myself have been abandoning me. i don't know how to deal with it. i spend my days alone. i go to work alone, come home alone. i am lucky if someone asks me do to something.
i can't write anymore, i just can't do this. we're born alone, we die alone. i just never thought i would spend my life alone.
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posted at 10:31 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
fuck fuck fuck fuck.
lots going through my head right now. things have been kind of crazy as of late.
blah blah blah, way too many emotions taking over me.
i saw adam yesterday. first time we really talked since the break-up. and it was all there again. everything i felt for him. and i know that it was the same for him too (he told me as much). but we can't be together and that is the worst part of it all. but i am moving on.
this guy i know just pisses me off so much. at one point a long time ago i thought he perhaps could have been a potential. but now i just don't even want to talk to him. i am not his fucking shrink, and i hate being treated as such. i've told him bluntly what i think, but it doesn't do anything.
i'm all over the place.
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posted at 4:35 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
so i'm watching 'big brother 5' right now and i am rather nervous. i always get that way when there is the possibility of homophobia showing up. of course this season there is a gay guy on the show, and i like him, but i know that there is quite possibly some people who aren't tolerant in the house. i get nervous, slightly ill to my stomach, restless and i hate the feeling when i know that something like that could possibly happen. i've been through so much homophobia in my life that even the chance that it may come up makes me feel upset. blah, i fucking hate people.
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posted at 8:51 p.m. by gleefully gloomy. ...
Saturday, July 03, 2004
music right now: 'under your skin' by texas
like the cure, who after every album claim that they are not going to make any others, but always do, i return from the long gone ashes of what this journal was and have decided to write again.
why? because i have more to say.
agree with me, disagree with me, i don't give a fuck anymore.
so, apparently i am part of an inside joke. vicky has this cousin in london who got married. his wife has a gay brother. and vicky has told me about him before. i saw his picture this evening. DROP DEAD GORGEOUS. i nearly fell over. she wasn't prone to hyperbole all those times he came up in conversation.
Reading: The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism
Naomi Klein God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
Christopher Hitchens Copenhagen
Time Out City Guides
Seeing: Juno
Jason Reitman Annie Hall
Woody Allen There Will Be Blood
Paul Thomas Anderson
Listening to: Boxer
The National The Fountain: OST
Clint Mansell In Rainbows
Radiohead
